Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
January 2025
Seattle
T ara felt like a teenager with a bad attitude. After a restless night in her mother’s home, tossing and turning in a guest bed above which hung a photograph of Bob and Cindy on their thirtieth-anniversary cruise, Tara was enraged and heartbroken and even more terrified of losing Josie than she’d been before their trip. Somehow, she’d imagined that they’d come to Seattle, reunite with their parents, and forgive each other and themselves. After all that, Josie would remember just how much she loved living and lean toward doing the treatment plan. But the reality was far more grim. Instead, it had found Tara listening to Josie tell their mother she planned to die—standing in front of their father’s burial plot in the rain.
Tara collapsed on the guest bed and pressed her pillow against her face. It felt like someone was squeezing her lungs.
The sensation reminded her of when Winnie was small, and she’d jump onto her bed and sit on Tara’s chest and sing songs until Tara or Donnie got up if Donnie was even in bed, Tara remembered, because Donnie had so often stayed out all night.
Tara groaned and pulled her phone out of her purse. When was the last time Winnie had contacted her? Six months ago, she saw now, just a few days after Tara’s birthday. Tara’s heart filled with longing.
Did she have the strength to call her only daughter and apologize?
Just the thought of it nearly gave her a panic attack. She crunched herself into a ball and heaved into the pillow. But what alternative did she have? Either she gave it a go with Winnie or she didn’t. But if she didn’t, she’d watch Josie die, and then she’d watch their mother die, and she’d go to grief therapy sessions and hang out with the Salt Sisters and never really find a way to recover from the past.
Before she knew it, she pressed Winnie’s number and put the phone to her ear.
The phone rang and rang. She thought she was going to throw up. After the fourth ring, Tara considered hanging up. It was clear that Winnie was screening her calls. She didn’t want anything to do with Tara, not now. It was too late. Tara decided it was for the best. But just as she pulled the phone away from her ear, she heard that beautiful voice calling out to her from the opposite end of the continent.
“Mom?”
Tara seized. She was on her feet. “Winnie?”
All her animosity melted away in a single instant. She felt enlightened like she’d spent hours laughing on a sun-drenched beach.
“Mom, I can’t believe it’s you,” Winnie said.
Wherever she was, there was the sound of footsteps and a door closing. Tara struggled to picture it. Was Winnie still in North Carolina? Winnie’s Facebook didn’t give much away.
Tara inhaled sharply. She tried to embody the spirit of her own mother when she’d first seen Tara and Josie at the wake—just one day before.
“Honey, I’m sorry it’s been so long,” Tara whispered. “I’m really just so sorry.”
Winnie immediately started crying. Tara hated herself, then. She hated that she’d built a relationship that was just as troubled as hers with Cindy.
“It’s my fault,” Winnie said, hiccuping.
“It’s not your fault!” Tara cried.
“But Mom, I was the one who moved away from Nantucket,” Winnie said.
Tara felt things were getting out of hand already. They needed to back up. They needed to speak about light, pleasant things before they got into the nitty-gritty details of what had happened and why and whether or not they could forgive each other.
“Shh,” Tara said softly, trying to calm her down. “Where are you, honey?”
“I’m in North Carolina,” Winnie said. “Raleigh.”
“Wow. Raleigh is supposed to be beautiful and very cool.”
“It is.” Winnie sounded calmer. “I’ve really loved it. I, um, went to college here.”
Tara felt a spike of pride. “That’s incredible, honey. Did you graduate?”
“I did,” Winnie said. “I majored in English and French literature, but I minored in theater.”
Tara’s heart filled with longing. “You were always a brilliant performer.”
“Ha. I always liked being on stage,” Winnie said. “But I like writing, too. That’s why I majored in literature. I thought maybe I could write my own plays. I don’t know.”
“You can,” Tara said. “You can, and you will.”
It was hard to believe Winnie was all grown up and had a college degree. Tara staggered through the guest bedroom in disbelief. She struggled to remember this wasn’t some kind of dream or nightmare.
“But what about you?” Winnie asked.
“You’ll never believe where I am,” Tara said.
As briefly as she could, Tara explained what had happened—that Josie had called about her cancer, that Josie had wanted them to go to Seattle to make peace with their parents, that Bob had died right before they’d come.
“And now the three of us are probably going to Nantucket to take care of your aunt,” Tara said softly. “She’s pretty set on not continuing treatment. It breaks my heart.”
Tara was suddenly terrified of how transparent she probably seemed to Winnie. She knows I’m only calling because I’ve learned so much about my mother, my father, Josie, and myself. She knows I’m calling because I’m broken.
But weren’t we all broken?
Wasn’t it better to admit that we were?
Winnie cried a little bit harder, but she could still speak. “We have so much to talk about, Mom.”
“Too much for the phone, I think,” Tara said.
“I’ll come to Nantucket,” Winnie said firmly.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m sure you have a life, a job, and things to do,” Tara said.
“But you can’t leave Aunt Josie right now,” Winnie reminded her. “It’s easier if I come up.”
Tara lay back on the bed. She felt exhausted and haggard, and she was suddenly worried that Winnie would take one look at her and think wow, my mother has gotten so old.
But aging was a gift. Tara knew that now better than ever.
“There’s something I should tell you before we see each other,” Winnie said softly. “It’s sort of the reason I started reaching out in the first place. I mean, it’s the kind of life-altering event that forced me to reckon with the past and what I did to you and how I handled it…”
“You were a teenager, Winnie. I was the adult. I should have handled it better.” Tara bit her lower lip. “I’m sorry. I’m really just so sorry.”
Winnie hesitated. Tara knew she’d broken their “rules.” Winnie wanted to talk about all this later when they weren’t on the phone. She wanted it to happen face-to-face.
“I’m sorry,” Tara said again, but this time it was for breaking their conversation rules.
“It’s fine,” Winnie said. “But I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant. I’m six months along.”
Tara was on her feet again, smiling like a fool. “You’re pregnant?”
Immediately, Tara was filled with images of when she’d first learned she was pregnant with Winnie—how frightened, thrilled, and exhilarated she’d been. She’d had to drop out of college. She’d had to make plans.
Her entire life had changed. She didn’t regret a thing.
“I just can’t believe it,” Tara kept saying because she couldn’t think of anything else to say. “I’m so happy. I’m just so happy.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “Honey, I want to see you right away.”
Laughter bubbled in her chest and stomach. Winnie promised she’d make flight arrangements to Nantucket, and then Tara fought with her about how late it was in her pregnancy. Should she really fly? Winnie googled it again and confirmed it was fine, and Tara said, “I just really don’t want to risk it.” They fought about that for a little while before Winnie talked her down again. “All right,” Tara stammered. “But I’m happy to come pick you up. Any time.”
Before they hung up, they told one another they loved each other for the first time in eight years.
It nearly toppled Tara over.
The immensity of the joy she was experiencing was almost too much. She felt as though she couldn’t trust it, as though Winnie was going to call her again and say April fools. But it wasn’t April. It was January, and she was in Seattle with her mother and sister, and not all was lost. Not yet.
But for whatever reason, she stopped herself from telling Josie about Winnie’s trip to Nantucket.
Maybe it was manipulative. But it was the last tactic she had to convince Josie there was more to life than what she’d had.
Tara decided she wanted Winnie’s visit to be a surprise.