Chapter 18
S
loan heard her phone going off and she couldn’t bring herself to check it.
She knew she was supposed to be at the Christmas party with her girls, but facing anyone besides God right now felt impossible.
She held onto the shower wall in front of her as she lowered her head, sobbing.
She had scrubbed all the blood from her hands, but she just didn’t feel clean.
In all her career, she had never lost a patient.
There had been miscarriages. There had been ectopic pregnancies.
There had even been some close calls during deliveries, and she acknowledged those traumas in women, but this was her first time losing a patient that she had grown close to.
She had begun this journey with Monica and her husband, John, from egg retrieval until Monica’s very last breath.
Sloan had performed a flawless C-section and brought a beautiful baby boy into the world, but the mother to this new soul hadn’t survived.
Sloan was sick. It was a feeling she couldn’t quite describe.
She hadn’t done anything wrong. She had done her job to perfection— if there ever was such a thing.
Sometimes, modern medicine just wasn’t enough.
It seemed so unfair more Black women lost their lives during childbirth than any other group of women.
She was like a zombie as she grabbed her towel and exited the community shower.
She dressed slowly, putting on fresh scrubs before she walked out.
She couldn’t go home. Being alone would make it worse.
There was only one person who could make it better, and although there were a thousand reasons why she should stay away from him, she just couldn’t, not today, not after this loss.
She knew it wasn’t fair to treat him like an emotional buffet.
She came and went as she pleased, choosing the parts of him that she wanted most, but leaving the rest behind.
He would have every right to send her away, but she prayed he wouldn’t.
She drove to the party in scrubs because she didn’t have time to change, and she didn’t have time to overthink this.
She needed him. When she arrived, she felt foolish.
The red carpet set the tone, and here she was in medical scrubs, a doctor’s coat, a bare face, and a curly, wet ponytail.
“Damn it,” she muttered as she picked up her phone and called Cassidy’s number.
It rang to voicemail, and she immediately tried Ellie.
Voicemail. “Come on, somebody, answer the phone,” she fussed.
When she discovered Courtney and Shy were dead ends, too, she knew she was going to have to go inside.
She looked so out of place as she climbed out of her car.
“Ma’am, are you in the right place? This is the Brier Annual Christmas party,” the attendant informed as he looked at her skeptically.
She nodded and stared up at the large museum then walked inside.
She felt like a fool as people stared at her as she entered. Her eyes bounced around the room for Cassidy, and the pangs of emotions dinging in her chest caused a nausea that was almost crippling. She found Ellie first, and she rushed over to her, interrupting what appeared like an intimate dance.
“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” Sloan whispered, eyes tearing up. “Ellie, I need you.”
Ellie frowned in confusion as she took in her friend’s sudden appearance. Ellie looked at Loyal apologetically and said, “I’m sorry, give me a minute.”
Ellie took Sloan’s hand, and Sloan laced her fingers inside her friend’s.
Cass might not be there, but Ellie was, and she was nobody’s substitute, the love was soothing in a different way.
Sloan followed her to the hallway where there were less people, and she broke down.
She was a mess. She covered her eyes and cried as Ellie stood, confused, but available to her friend. Ellie wrapped her arms around Sloan.
“Sloan,” Ellie whispered. “What’s wrong?”
Sloan was so distraught that Ellie led her to a portion of the museum that was roped off.
She knew she would need backup for this.
Sloan wasn’t the friend who showed her weaknesses.
She could only remember a few instances where Sloan had revealed this much emotion, and it was only under the most extreme circumstances.
Whenever Sloan had a breakdown like this, it was usually related to her mother.
Ellie texted Loyal to send her friends out, and within minutes, Courtney and Shy were at her side.
Sloan sat on a bench and sobbed as they gathered around her.
They were speechless, and they knew not to say a word until Sloan got it all out.
If they spoke too soon, Sloan would try to bottle it all up to appear strong, and she deserved this release.
Every woman deserves to take their cape off sometimes.
Sloan had been carrying a lot ever since her mother died, and finally, she had decided to lean on her friends for help.
Sloan struggled to pull her shit together. She sat there a full ten minutes, crying until she was able to breathe through it.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she whispered.
“Don’t be,” Courtney encouraged, rubbing her back.
“What happened?” Shy asked.
“So much has happened. I don’t even know where to start. I lost a patient a few hours ago, and it just cracked my chest wide opennnn,” Sloan cried, losing control again. “I just needed one person. He can take it all away, and he told me to come, and I missed him. He’s gone, and it’s too late,”
“Who, Sloan?” Ellie asked.
“Ohhh my goodness, Elliot!” Shy shouted in exasperation.
“She came here for Cass,” Courtney said softly.
Ellie looked at Sloan, stunned as Sloan’s jaw quivered.
“You’re here for Cassidy?” Ellie asked. Ellie turned in her seat so that she was facing Sloan.
Sloan couldn’t even deny it. She wore her guilt all over her.
“You’re fucking my brother? So what? This friendship has been fake all this time?
You get close to me to get close to him?
How long has this been going on?” Ellie asked.
She looked around at Shy and Courtney. “And of course, I’m the last one to know. ”
“I love him,” Sloan admitted in an exhausted tone. “I’m completely in love with him, Ellie. I want to tell you it just started when I saw him this week again for the first time, but I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve loved him since we were in middle school.”
“You’re unbelievable,” Ellie stated. “I thought you were my friend.”
“I am!” Sloan defended. “I am your friend, Ellie. Why does it have to be one or the other?”
“It just does, Sloan! You used me to get close to Cass, just like all those other girls. They didn’t see value in me! They didn’t want real friendship with me. They just wanted him. You’re no different,” Ellie stated as she stood.
Sloan knew she would react poorly; it was why she had hidden her feelings all these years.
“I’ma do you a favor. You don’t have to worry about a friendship, sis, because I can’t trust you. You’re in the clear. You can choose Cass like you been wanting to all this time,” Ellie spat.
“Ellie!” Courtney called after her as she stormed off.
Shy and Courtney sat around Sloan, and Sloan shook her head. She was distraught.
“This shit is a disaster,” she whispered, wiping her nose with her sleeve.
“Yeah, pretty much, but she’ll be alright. You know how Ellie is. Let her calm down and come to her senses,” Courtney said.
“But about you and Cass…”
Sloan shook her head. “I had my reasons before why me and Cassidy shouldn’t do this.
This is just one more reason. I was right, y’all.
I should have just followed my first mind.
If I have to choose between Ellie and Cassidy, I’m going to always choose my friend.
She’s my sister. I need her,” Sloan cried, getting emotional all over again.
“He left here with Lola, Sloan,” Shy whispered.
Sloan’s reaction was pure devastation. Of course, he did.
Lola made it easy for him. Lola didn’t push him away.
Lola hadn’t left him waiting on her. Lola hadn’t insulted him.
She damn sure wasn’t afraid of him, because logically, what was there to fear?
He was fine. He was accomplished. He was reformed.
He was attentive. He was patient. He was everything.
He was also a trigger for Sloan, and the idea of giving second chances made her fear that it would be a generational curse that would repeat itself.
Second chances led to regret in her family.
She had watched it happen with her mother.
She would be so foolish to chance the same happening to her.
She knew it was emotion and not logic driving her decisions, but she couldn’t ignore her intuition.
She also couldn’t ignore the aching of knowing another woman was tending to a man who was supposed to be hers.
A man she loved beyond comprehension. “Do you want me to put a call in and put a stop to that shit?”
Sloan shook her head. “No. Cass don’t belong to me.” Even as she said the words, she didn’t believe them. She choked on her own words. “I’ve got to get out of here.” She stood and rushed out, leaving her friends feeling helpless.
“Is your friend, okay?” Loyal asked.
Ellie shook her head. “She’s not my friend,” Ellie replied as her eyes stung.
“As fucked up as you are about whatever happened, I find that hard to believe,” Loyal stated as he stared across the backseat of the Maybach. He lifted the partition to separate them from the driver and then pulled her across the seat.
“I don’t want to think about her or talk about her.” Ellie crossed her arms and stared out the window. She didn’t even realize she was pouting until he leaned over and grabbed her chin.