Chapter 23 #2
Sloan stood with her arms folded, swaying impatiently, defensively as she willed herself not to cry.
Cassidy walked over to the table and sat, legs wide, leaning elbows to his knees as he bowed his head. He steepled his fingertips under his chin.
“I’m sorry she ambushed you like this. I didn’t know you would be here.” Cassidy’s stress was evident. “She asked me to come move some shit in. This whole shit was a setup.”
“Yeah, she Didn’t mention you’d be here either,” Sloan responded.
They were both so stubborn. Mad at the world because they were choosing to be mad at one another.
“You ain’t got to steer clear of me, Sloan,” Cassidy said. “I know you’ve spent every Christmas at Papa’s since your mom passed. He missed you this year. Ellie missed you. My nieces missed you.”
“You were there. I couldn’t be,” she answered.
“You hate me that much?” Cassidy accused.
“I love you that much,” she corrected. “And it hurts me to breathe the same air as you if I can’t have you.”
“I made my mama a promise twenty-three years ago, Sloan,” Cassidy revealed. Sloan turned and leaned against the wall, giving him her full attention. “I’ve never broken that promise for anyone.”
“I’m not asking you to…”
“Only, you are, because if I don’t, I’m going to lose you,” Cassidy stated. He put his hand on the shoebox and spun it around on the table. “This is all I got left of her.”
Sloan stepped closer to him, and he rested his face against her stomach, closing his eyes. She sighed and placed her hands on top of his head. There was so much rest in these seconds when they allowed this connection to exist.
“Read the letters.”
Sloan lowered into the seat next to his, facing him as he tapped one finger on top of the shoebox.
“I’m giving you permission to read the letters,” he whispered.
She lost air. He was trusting her with something he treasured. A mother’s words to her son were sacred, and he was sharing those words with her. It was a great privilege to be trusted so much. A bit of her resolve melted. “I don’t think I should, Cassidy,” she answered.
“If you want the answers to your questions, they’re in these letters,” Cassidy revealed. “They’re dated and organized from the very first one. The first letter came a week after I was sentenced.”
“This feels intrusive. This wasn’t my idea. Ellie gave them to me. I would never…”
“I know,” he reassured. He stood. “It’ll take you some time to find the answers you’re searching for, but when you’re done, you know how to find me if you want to talk.”
Sloan nodded and reached for Cassidy’s hand.
“You didn’t come to the Christmas party.” His voice was somber.
“I came, Cass. I lost my patient that day, so I was late, but I showed up, and you were gone. You left with another woman,” Sloan scoffed, shaking her head.
The realization that she had shown up washed over him, loosening the Vise-Grip that had been on his chest ever since.
“I’m sorry about your patient,” Cassidy said.
“Me too.” Her chin quivered, and she lowered her face in embarrassment. “This is just a really hard time for me.”
They grew quiet, and Sloan looked down at her hands. “Nigga, you sorry about the wrong thing,” Sloan snapped.
Cassidy chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “So, is this a you-don’t-want-a-nigga, but I-can’t-fuck-with-nobody-else typ’a thing?”
“I don’t know what it is, Cass, but did you sleep with Lola?” she asked.
“I thought about it.” At least he was truthful. “But I sent her home before shit went too far.”
Sloan’s relief was audible.
“I’m losing with you, either way, baby…”
Sloan’s heart fluttered at the sentiment, but she didn’t interrupt.
“If I force the issue with you, I scare you; if I pull back, you’re jealous…”
“Ain’t nobody jealous,” Sloan interrupted. “You’re just not supposed to move on from me that fast.”
“I don’t want to move on at all,” Cassidy admitted. He leaned forward and took ahold of her hands. “You’re shaking, Sloan.”
“My heart is racing,” she murmured. She squeezed his hands harder as if she was bracing herself for the drop of a steep roller coaster, and maybe she was.
Maybe all these hard moments after they decided to have sex were the ascent that came with choosing to be intimate with another human being.
People rushed so quickly into sex that they didn’t realize the portals inside themselves were opened during that act.
She was completely exposed, and so was he, and all they seemed to be doing was hurting each other because they hadn’t stopped to think of the responsibility that came with having each other in that way.
She gazed into his eyes and got lost. This hurt so good.
Cassidy was the first person in a long time that made her feel weak.
It was almost a relief to know that she was capable of something other than strength.
“Don’t cry, baby,” Cassidy whispered.
“I just want to feel safe,” Sloan’s words were almost a whisper.
They were a plea, revealing her desperation.
Her sorrow was a reflection of all that she had lost when her mother had been taken from her.
When he brought her clenched fists to his lips and kissed them, she panicked because she knew he was about to let go.
“Take some time with the letters. I respect your decision to say no, Sloan. But you’ve been in my life a long time.
Even if we ain’t supposed to be more, I don’t want to be less.
I don’t want us to not exist to one another.
You’ve always been family. I don’t want to lose more than I’ve already lost. My freedom, my time, my mother. Adding you to that list…”
Cassidy shook his head and flicked his nose as he stood. “How much more punishment do I need to take for it to be enough? For me to be free of it? You’re keeping me tied to it, Sloan. So, please, just read them.”
She nodded. “Can I read them with Ellie? I don’t want to be alone.”
Cassidy sighed. “You can process them however you need to if it helps you know me better.” And then he was gone.
“I think you should read these alone, Sloan,” Ellie said as she sat in the middle of Sloan’s bed, Indian-style the way they used to as teenagers.
“You don’t want to know what they say?” Sloan asked.
Ellie shook her head. “I don’t need to know what they say,” Ellie replied. “I know Cassidy, and I think the part that hurts him most is that he thought you knew him, too.”
Sloan closed her eyes and lifted her head to the sky. “God, help me with this,” she whispered.
Ellie reached out and hugged Sloan. “I’ll be here, just hanging out until you’re done. Just holler if you need me.” Ellie frowned in disgust suddenly.
“What?” Sloan asked in confusion.
“Wait, bitch, did you fuck my brother in this bed?” Ellie asked, truly repulsed as she stood.
“Girl!” Sloan laughed. She picked up one of the pillows and tossed it at Ellie. “Get out so I can read.”
Ellie winked at her, knowing she had lightened the mood. “I’ll be in the living room.”
“I did fuck him on that couch, though!” Sloan shouted after her, snickering.
“Gross!” Ellie shouted back.
Sloan pulled out the first letter, and as soon as she read the words, My Sweet Son, Cassidy, her chest locked. She could hear Mrs. Whitlock’s voice as clear as day.
My Sweet Son, Cassidy,
What did you do, son? My God, how I have failed you.
It is a mother’s job to protect her children, and here I am, watching you be punished for protecting me.
I will never be able to rest knowing my baby is locked up.
That man was an animal who should have been locked up a long time ago.
They punished the wrong one, Cassidy, and I am heartbroken that my ghosts have come back to haunt you.
I am so sorry, baby. My heart is broken because the gift of relief was given to me in the form of your sacrifice.
You should be free, my love, but instead, you set me free.
The ultimate expression of love is sacrifice, and you have given me your life, son.
I am not worthy of you. A jury of your peers can see your spirit, son.
You’ll never be guilty in my eyes. God knows the demon you slayed.
It wasn’t yours to defeat, though, son, and it is my burden to bear to know that I am the reason you’re in there.
I love you. No matter the time or distance, my love will be with you.
When you’re afraid, know that I am with you. My sweet boy.
Love Mama
It was only the first letter, and Sloan was already a mess. She went through letter after letter, and box of Kleenex after box of Kleenex as she pieced together the tragedy that had occurred. Before she knew it, the sun was rising.
The knock at the door caused her to gaze up as Ellie peeked her head inside.
“You haven’t slept all night?” Ellie asked.
Sloan shook her head and tried to speak, but nothing came out but emotion. “Why did this have to happen?” she choked out. “This is trauma, Ellie. How is he supposed to be okay after this?”
Ellie’s own eyes watered, and she answered, “Love will heal him, Sloan. He deserves all the love he can get, and if that’s not from you, the least you can do is not judge him. He cares a great deal about what you think.”
Sloan rolled her eyes to the heavens and then removed her reading glasses, pinching the bridge of her nose before putting them back on and grabbing the next letter.
“You can’t possibly read them all,” Ellie said, frowning. “That’s over a decade worth of letters!”
“I have to,” Sloan whispered. “Before I talk to Cassidy again, I need to.”
Ellie nodded. “I’m going to head home. If you need me, I’m only a phone call away.”
“Thanks, Ellie,” Sloan sighed.
“And, Sloan?”
Sloan looked up one more time.
“Don’t break my brother’s heart,” Ellie said. “I will still fight you about him.” Ellie warned.
“I think I’m the one at risk for that. Make sure you tell him you’ll beat his ass if he hurts me,” Sloan scoffed.
“The threat has already been issued,” Ellie said softly with a wink. Ellie departed, and Sloan was compelled to continue. Through heavy, burning eyes, and with anxiety filling her to the brim, she dove back in.