32. Alex
The zip line park, about thirty minutes away from the cottage, is set up like a jungle. There are probably thousands of trees canopying the activities—which, thankfully, don’t all involve Alex trusting some rope to get her from one place to another. In fact, Yuri isn’t tall enough for all the courses, so Alex stays with her as Antonio and Luca tackle the more challenging feats.
Alex feels much more comfortable as a spectator, not to mention, the animals on the ground are way more interesting than anything fifty feet in the air. Amusingly, as adventurous as Yuri is, she doesn’t want to come within a ten-foot radius of the spiky lizard or the “why do they look like that?” emus. The pretty parrots are okay, as are the tiny monkeys.
Alex makes sure to capture videos and blurry photos of the kids and their uncle having a blast. Luca and Yuri expend so much energy that back at the house, they fall asleep after bathing and having only a few bites of their sandwiches.
Antonio and Alex gather on the couch just before nine-thirty, and bump their knuckles together.
“This s-h-i-t isn’t so h-a-r-d,” he says quietly.
“I think you can s-t-o-p. They’re upstairs.”
Antonio shakes his head. “Yuri has the ears of a German Shepherd.”
“You know what? You are absolutely right. Wanna go in the hot tub?”
They head to their bedroom and Alex digs through her suitcase, still not sure of everything Yuna packed. She pulls out a zebra-print swim-top and finds Antonio looking fixedly.
“You like this?”
“Something tells me I won’t find it hard to like whatever you pick, gorgeous. But pick something, ‘cuz otherwise…” Antonio snatches a pair of black swim shorts and heads to the bathroom.
Typical. Alex grabs the matching bottoms and waits for Antonio to finish so she can change, brush her teeth, and gloss her lips. She joins him in the tub shortly after, a star-studded sky watching over them.
“You surprised me, today,” Alex says, barely able to hear herself over the jets. The concentrated warmth soothes the injuries she forgot she had.
“That was the idea.”
She plucks his elbow. “I meant with the kids. It was sweet to see you in Uncle mode. Charming.”
“You’re welcome, then.” Antonio slides over to wrap an arm around Alex. He drops his head, running his nose over her shoulder before dropping a kiss there. “How do you feel now?”
“I’m feeling OK. How about you?”
“I’m…”
“Leo…”
“I’m feeling…a lot. I’m feeling a lot, gorgeous. I can’t help but I stand by what I said bef—”
“Antonio.” Alex rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, more disappointed than angry.
“Hold on, Alexandra. Let me finish. Fix your damn face.” He gently squeezes her hip, making her giggle. “I heard what you said about fucking up occasionally and making better choices. I’m still not really convinced I could forgive myself for hurting you, even if you did. But the other day, I realized I definitely couldn’t if something happened to you and I could’ve stopped it.”
A bubble bounces into Alex’s nostrils, so she rubs her nose and sniffles. “You won’t always be able to protect me. That can’t be your life’s mission.”
“You’re wrong.” Antonio strokes her cheek. “That’s exactly how I operate. I set my goal, and I do whatever it takes to make it happen. It’s just that before, as confident as I can be, I would only set my sights on something I could at least see, you know? It might have been as far as the moon, but I could still see it.”
“So what does that make me?”
“You, Alexandra Agneau, are the entire damn universe.”
She lets out a half-scoff, half-laugh. “Wh-What?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s romantic as hell, but I’m not sure I get the connection.”
Antonio cheeses.
“What is that smile about?”
“I finally get something you don’t.”
Alex bats her eyes. “Feel free to clue me in.”
“Think about it.” Antonio looks at the sky. “The universe is beyond anything the human eye can see. It’s this massive, all encompassing…thing, which is insane. Even more insane is that I could play a role in its existence. It’s literally unbelievable sometimes. But I can’t deny that the universe gives me everything I’ve ever wanted. And didn’t know I wanted. So how else can I show my gratitude other than protecting it with every fiber of my being? So, if it’s not clear, Alexandra Agneau.” Antonio redirects his gaze to focus on Alex. “I want you. Just you. And I want you to be able to trust me. I’m not sure I’ll ever believe I deserve you. But I will always protect you.”
Alex swishes around and sits on her knees. She drowns out the glugs of the water and tries not to get sidetracked by such a beautiful point of view. There’s a glint in Antonio’s eyes that’s so sincere, making her want to fast forward to when they’re on the same page and can spend the rest of the night enjoying each other.
“I was ready to make you grovel,” Alex says. “Like a lot. And then you go and say something like that, and I just…” She feels tears emerge. Focus, girl. “You were right, before. About us not being realistic.” She hates how his disposition shifts to skepticism. “I think I made you believe you were the only one who had to get over themselves, didn’t I? That it was always on you to prove something?”
“What could you possibly have to prove to me?”
“Not a damn thing. Neither do you, though. Our expectations for ourselves, for each other? They’re based on two people who don’t deserve to take up any more space in our lives. They’re gone, and yet they still hold so much power over us.”
He still looks troubled, so Alex takes her hands into his.
“When you think of us truly being together, where’s Donny? There’s a part of you dead set on proving you’re not him, right? Because if I’m honest, one of the reasons I wanted us to work out was to prove I was capable of finding better than James.”
“This…sounds a lot like you’re getting ready to turn me down.”
Alex shakes her head, feeling her cheeks wiggle. “I know. But it’s the opposite. I believe you when you say the things Donny did fucked with you,” she continues. “I believe there are things you’ve done yourself that have hurt people. But I don’t think that means you have to spend your life constantly seeking approval from me or anyone else. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I realized I’ve been doing that. And it’s because I’ve been valuing myself through James’s lens. So I sometimes go out of my way to be someone people like being around. Someone they want to stay around. I like helping people. But sometimes I have to learn how to say no, you know? God, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”
So much for all that preparation.
But Antonio finally looks relaxed. “A little, but I think I’m with you.”
Alex laughs. “Okay. Well, look, all that to say, I want to keep getting to know Antonio Moretti. The Antonio you are in spite of Donny, not because of him. The you who—it feels so cringey to say, but the you who makes it like a freaking conservatory in here.” She taps her stomach. “Butterflies nonstop. That’s when you’re not making me laugh—half the time not even on purpose. Or when you’re not remembering something I forgot I even told you. Or picking up on something I never did. And I know that your dad will come up in conversations, but when he does, I hope—”
“Woah, okay. Now you can slow down, gorgeous.”
No kidding.
Alex’s throat is dry, her diaphragm’s tight, and she was on such a roll she didn’t even notice the water jets timed out. “Sorry,” she says calmly. “There’s one more thing I need you to know. You want me to trust you. Well, I want you to be able to trust me too. So trust me. Believe me when I say you deserve good things. That you are a good thing. Mine.”
“You sure?” Antonio whispers, and Alex is certain she sees his eyes glisten.
“One-hundred percent.”
He pulls her onto his lap so her knees rest at the base of his hips.
“Okay. In that case, you are the only person I trust to test this ‘we’re all ignoranthumans who’ll fuck up sometimes’ theory. So you promise not to give up on me while we do?”
“I promise.”
“Good. But that means you’re gonna have a lot of my attention. Might be a lot to handle.”
“I think I’ll be just fine.”
Antonio’s comparison is a bit funny, now. Alex rarely has the opportunity to look down at him. Or more specifically, she likes when Antonio looks up at her. Not for any power trip, but because when he does, the grays and blues of his eyes form a nebula. Alex would’ve said he’s the one who had the connection to the universe and its infinite possibilities.
Their lips meet, and Alex wordlessly seals her commitment to whatever journey she and Antonio have in store. For that moment, it’s only them. No rushing water, no gulls squawking…just their heartbeats drumming together. They eventually retire to their room, lulled by the promise of tomorrow.
Around four in the morning, Alex awakens to the sound of faint cries. “Leo,” she whispers. “Leo.” She gently removes the arm draped over her waist and steps to the door.
“What’s wrong?” Antonio asks hoarsely, just as she passes the frame.
“I heard crying.” Without her glasses, things are somewhat blurry for Alex, but she walks to a blanket crumpled on the floor and hears the cries again, from downstairs. It looks like every door is closed aside from the bathrooms and the kids’ room.
Antonio catches up in an instant and they walk downstairs to see Luca in the fetal position on the couch.
Alex cautiously comes nearer and sits beside him. “Sweetie, what’s going on? Did you have a nightmare?” Luca dumps himself into her lap, and Alex smooths the hair on the back of his head.
“Yeah,” he shudders. “It was a really bad one.”
“What happened?”
“It had thirteen legs, and a lot of eyes. And it was really fast. I kept running, but I fell into the ocean. When I finally woke up, I was gonna go to Mommy and Daddy, but I didn’t wanna bother them.”
“Aww, sweetie… That’s so thoughtful of you, but you wouldn’t have been bothering them. But I understand. You know…I live alone. And sometimes, I hear noises, have nightmares and get scared, just like you. You know what I do?”
“What?”
“I turn on some music and sing, or I might take a bath, or I might…”
“Grab a snack,” Antonio adds, after sitting down. “That’s what your Uncle T does. Something tasty to take your mind off whatever’s bothering you.”
Alex smiles. “Those are our things, though. We have to find something that makes you feel calm.”
Unfortunately, Luca’s choice only inspires courage for him.
“Of course,” Alex mouths, tilting her head back. I wish we could let that song go. “Okay. That’s a great choice. We’re…letting go of our fear, and we’re being brave. Let’s sing it together.” She glances at Antonio. “All of us?”
“Hell no,” he mouths back.
Alex purses her lips but sings by herself, and by the third line, Luca joins her, and Antonio surprisingly mutters a word now and then. It becomes more of a solo again by the chorus, and Alex reduces her words to hums while continuing to rock Luca. After about ten minutes, Antonio carries him back to bed, undisturbed.
He gives a thumbs-up to Alex, waiting for him in the hallway. “Nice job, Adele Dazeem.”
She muffles a cackle and skips over, letting Antonio put an arm around her as they trek back to their bedroom.
They decide to extend Yuna’s break a few more hours, which really isn’t hard to do; Luca and Yuri are content with cereal and cartoons. Ben and Frankie, while much better than last night, are still recovering.
“Well,” Alex yawns after sliding a cup of coffee over to Antonio. “We survived.” She removes the pod in the automated brewing machine before setting her mug underneath and restarting the cycle.
“Thanks, gorgeous.” He raises the cup and sniffs it. “And I don’t know about you, but I can handle kids.”
“I saw. So, hyenas and chihuahuas are too much, but gremlins, that’s right in your wheelhouse?” She swipes her cup from under the brewer and drops a packet of black tea inside.
“I don’t remember saying you’re too much for me.”
“I guess not those exact words. Is that something you want, then? Kids?” Alex asks semi-casually as she sits across from him, facing the children. She looks for confusion, disgust, or an indication he’s looking for a way to avoid the conversation altogether, but Antonio appears unfazed.
“Never gave much thought to it.”
“Never?”
“What for? That’s the best part of those two. I don’t have to wonder what it’s like. I can just borrow a kid, drop ‘em off when I’m done.”
“That’s impassive, don’t you think?”
“You know how I mean it. The point is, before now, I’ve never had someone that made me think it could even be a possibility. On purpose, anyway.”
She cringes before processing his entire statement. “Before now?”
Antonio smirks, and Alex’s heart somersaults as he makes his way to her side of the counter. He extends an arm over her shoulder and presses his chest against her back, causing goosebumps to spawn all over her skin.
“Yes. If that’s not something you want, we have to be very careful. I mean, if we were alone, we’d be having dessert for breakfast.”
“Hmm…I definitely could’ve gone for some Moretti à la mode. With a chocolate and caramel drizzle. Lots of whipped cream.”
He drops his forehead onto her shoulder and growls softly. “It’s not nice to tease, gorgeous.”
“You started it. I already know how good you are on the technical side. I asked if you wanted kids.”
“I don’t know. If we had a boy, and he ended up doing some of the shit I’ve done…?”
We? We?! I should not be this excited right now. Alex watches Yuri steal a scoop of milk-drenched banana from Luca’s bowl. “You think a girl couldn’t be just as challenging?”
“I guess. Especially if she’s a smartass like you.”
“Am I really a smartass? Or are you truly fifty percent koala?”
“I rest my case. What about you? You want some gremlins?”
Alex smiles, thinking of how good it made her feel to soothe Luca after his nightmare. “I do. I know I don’t have to worry about it right now, though.”
“Oh? You one of those people who plans your life in advance, like that?”
“There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. But no. That’s not why.” Alex examines her left hand while rotating it back and forth.
“What in the world are you doing?”
“Looking for a ring. I don’t see one, do you?”
“I beg your fu—”
“Moretti! My point is that if kids are in our future, I’d like for us to be married.” Oh, God. “I mean—I’d like for them to be with my husband. Is that OK with you?”
“Yeah,” Antonio says with a grin, placing a kiss at the base of her neck. “That sounds OK to me.”