Chapter Eight #2
By the time they got to his house — a thatched, terraced cottage situated right by the village green — Maddie was sure she’d never been so cold in her life.
With her permission, James put his arm around her to try to keep her warm, but her clothes were soaked through and the temperature was below freezing and dropping.
By the time he let them into the house, her teeth were chattering so violently Maddie was worried she’d bite her own tongue off.
The living room was empty, but there was a ‘recently vacated’ feel to it.
She presumed his mother had gone to bed shortly before.
The lights were off, but there was a fire in the hearth.
James, Maddie and Stevie all headed straight for it.
They didn’t say a word until they’d thawed out.
Once Maddie had stopped shaking — and had texted her parents to let them know that she was with James and safe — she took the opportunity to look around the room.
It was small, cosy and full of textures.
There were two sofas, one brown leather and one cream fabric.
There were ditsy flowers of various colours printed on the wallpaper and a sideboard stacked with old-fashioned china against one wall.
The far corner was host to a Christmas tree, which was tastefully decorated with silver baubles.
There was a knitted nativity scene on the mantelpiece and tinsel blue-tacked to the door frames.
“Well, that was fucking scary,” James said, kneeling down to check on Stevie.
Maddie concurred with a nod. It had been fun and games at first, but it had very quickly become unfunny.
She really had started to worry that one or both of them would become hypothermic. “Do you want another drink?” he asked.
“Do you mind if I just go to bed?” she said.
He shook his head. “Not at all. Do you want a shower first?”
“Just a towel to dry my hair and some pyjamas if you have any?” she asked.
James nodded and led the way upstairs to a small hallway.
There were three doors, one to the left, one to the right and one straight ahead.
James opened the door on the right and turned on the light to reveal a teeny-tiny box room, just big enough for a chest of drawers and a set of old bunk beds.
“It hasn’t changed since I was a kid because I haven’t been back long and, obviously, I’m not planning on staying,” he explained.
Maddie nodded, surveying the rest of the bedroom. There was hardly enough floor space for the two of them, so she was relieved when James gestured for her to enter while he remained in the doorway.
“Mum has the master bedroom, across the hall. There’s a bedroom downstairs at the back of the house Nan used to use, but we haven’t cleared it out since... Well, you know,” James said.
Maddie nodded, turning to him. He was leaning against the door frame. He looked embarrassed.
“I’m sorry it’s so small,” he said.
“It’s lovely.” She meant it, too. The walls were powder blue, the linen was cream and perfectly pressed and the curtains were a pretty lace she knew would keep out absolutely no light at all.
They were impractical, but gorgeous. There was not a scrap of dust or a stray sock to be seen anywhere.
It was almost as though nobody lived here.
“They’re both clean. I usually sleep on the couch, so you can choose whichever bunk you want,” he said, opening the top drawer of the chest and pulling out a towel.
He handed it to her. “The bathroom is here, at the top of the stairs. I store things in here — boxers, T-shirts, joggers and stuff. Help yourself to anything you need.” Maddie stopped surveying the room to look at him. He was turning to leave.
“James,” she said. He stopped with one foot hovering over the edge of the stairs.
“You could stay in here with me, if you like?” She saw him wet his lips and swallow, and could tell from his face he didn’t trust himself either.
But Maddie was feeling stronger now that she didn’t feel so cold and vulnerable.
She spoke her thoughts aloud, answering his questioning gaze.
“It’s not like we’ll be in the same bed, is it?
” she reasoned. “I’ll be underneath you or on top of you or.
..” She stopped when his mouth twitched.
“Forget it,” she muttered, feigning irritation. James laughed.
“Oh, come on, I’d have to be a saint not to laugh at that!” he said.
“Choose which fucking bunk you want and shut up,” she said, pushing past him and into the bathroom. As she closed the door, she heard him chuckling from the bedroom.
* * *
Maddie texted Marley and Autumn to tell them she’d called because she’d gotten stuck in the village but had found a friend to stay with, so that they wouldn’t panic when they woke up to a missed call each.
She used her finger to rub toothpaste over her gums and splashed her face with warm water.
She was almost done towel-drying her hair when James knocked to tell her he’d left her some clothes to change into outside the bathroom door.
On inspection, she thought about wearing the joggers and T-shirt for modesty reasons, but the cottage was warm and she was worried she’d just end up taking them off, so she braved boxers and the T-shirt.
She was relieved when she re-entered the bedroom and found James in the top bunk, as she didn’t fancy climbing up the wooden stairs while he watched her from the bed below.
She was grateful when he closed his eyes as she entered the room.
“There’s a dark monster under the bed,” he said. “So you have to switch off the light and run.”
“I’m not doing that,” Maddie said, pressing the light switch.
“Spoilsport.” He tutted. Maddie felt her way to bed and climbed in.
They were single beds but double duvets, which made it exceedingly easy for Maddie to roll herself up in hers.
She spent a couple of minutes turning from one side to the other, trying to get comfortable.
“Do you have fleas?” he asked eventually.
“I’m getting comfy,” she said, feigning annoyance.
They tumbled into silence. Maddie wanted to move again, but she was afraid she was getting on his nerves.
It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the bed, but it had been a really long time since she’d slept anywhere except in her own house.
Actually, she wasn’t sure she’d slept anywhere else since Bowie had died. James seemed to sense her anxiety.
“You OK?” he asked. She could tell from the tone of his voice that he, in fact, was not OK. He sounded timid and unsure, like a little lost boy trying to be brave.
“All good, are you?”
“It’s weird for me, sleeping in here,” he said.
“After Harry died, I left the room exactly as it was. It was like that when I left for university, but when I got back, that first Christmas, they’d gotten rid of everything.
Instead of being full of boy stuff and shared memories, it looked like this. ”
Maddie didn’t know what to say.
“I normally sleep on the sofa bed downstairs with Stevie,” he added.
“I’m sorry, James. You can go downstairs if you want to.”
“No, this is good for me,” he said. She wasn’t so sure. He sounded upset. “Losing a brother sucks, ey?” he added.
“Does it ever get any easier?” Maddie asked.
James didn’t answer for such a long time that she began to convince herself he wasn’t going to.
His silence would be confirmation of what she already knew.
This empty feeling, this deep despair, this desperation for one more moment with her brother — one last chance to tell him how much she loved him — would never go away.
She felt her eyes fill with tears and buried her head in the pillow in case she needed to stifle a sob.
She heard a shuffle from above and thought James might be getting out of bed.
Her eyes flew open and she hurried to compose herself, but as her sight adjusted to the dark of the night, she discovered he’d merely rolled onto his front and slid his arm through the bars, so that his open palm was suspended in the air beside her head.
He wiggled his fingers pointedly. Maddie thought about it for less than two seconds before she reached up and grabbed his hand.
“No, Maddie,” he said, stroking her thumb with his. “I’m sorry to say it never gets easier.”
* * *
Maddie woke a couple of times in the night but was soothed back to sleep almost immediately by the sound of James’ gentle breathing. At some point she let go of his hand, but every time she opened her eyes it was still there, open and expectant.
As the sun rose, the light chased the shadows across the bedroom floor.
Maddie lay still and silent and watched them for a little while.
She needed to pee, but was afraid she might run into James’ mum, or wake him up when he seemed to be sleeping so peacefully.
When she saw his hand twitch, she took her opportunity to shuffle, and knew instantly her movement had woken him up.
His breathing changed and it sounded like he had rolled over.
He let out a little moan, and she heard him scratch his head.
He yawned a couple of times and then she heard him sit up.
“You awake?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. He sat up and leaned over the railings to peer down at her. He was shirtless, bright-eyed and pink-cheeked. Despite their heavy night, he looked like he’d stepped off an album cover. Maddie groaned and covered her head with the duvet. He laughed.
“Not a morning person?” he asked.
“Not in the slightest,” she said.
“Hungover?”
“A little bit,” Maddie acknowledged her headache.