Chapter Thirteen #4
“When we lost Harry, James said the vilest things to me, and I’m ashamed to admit I said some horrible things back to him.
He heard rumours I was drunk when I crashed the car.
Believed them, I think. I wasn’t in the headspace to deal with that accusation, and I responded in the worst way possible.
I can’t bring myself to tell you what I said.
It was truly terrible stuff. James ran away from home as soon as he could.
He stayed away for years, only coming back when he absolutely had to.
We’ve never gotten over it. We never had time. ”
Emma nodded sympathetically, absently holding her glass towards Ben, who’d called out to ask if anyone wanted a refill.
His shout garnered the attention of everyone in the room and broke James’ concentration.
Maddie saw his eyes seek her out. He fixed his gaze on hers and smiled warmly. She beamed back.
“I’ve never seen him so happy,” Jennifer said, drawing Maddie back into their conversation.
“Though, admittedly, we haven’t spent much time together since he was a child.
He’s all grown up now and I... I don’t really know him.
I only just realised that’s why we haven’t sorted things out.
It’s not because he’s been away all this time, it’s because I don’t know where to start. ”
Emma sat back and admired James, her expression thoughtful.
Maddie knew her mother would be thinking very carefully about what to say next.
She was a fixer, especially when it came to families.
Emma would be distressed that James might not have a parental figure in his life and heartbroken by the idea a mother might become avoidably estranged from her son.
Maddie and her siblings had long since given up advising Emma to keep her nose out of other people’s business.
She never listened. Luckily, she was quite good at achieving her objective of making things better.
“You know—” she said, lowering her voice so it was barely above a whisper — “Pip said some truly terrible things to Marley after Bowie died. Awful things I wouldn’t do him the indignity of repeating.
We never, ever thought they would get over it, did we, Maddie?
” Maddie dutifully shook her head. Emma sighed.
“But they did. It wasn’t easy. They each had to take responsibility for what had happened, they both had to apologise sincerely, they had to be raw and real with one another about how they felt and who was in the wrong and for what.
But they made it through. There are still moments, I think, where things are a little awkward between the two of them, but they’re mostly OK. Better than OK, actually.”
“I do want to talk to James,” Jennifer admitted. “But I’m afraid he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m scared he’ll reject me, that he might repeat those horrible things he said years ago and it will ruin our relationship for ever.”
“Ah, see, that’s your problem, right there,” Emma said.
“You want to apologise for the things you know you did wrong, but you’re only willing to do it if you can guarantee James will be receptive, and that he’ll apologise in return for the things he did.
Your ultimate goal is mending the relationship, instead of just making the things you did wrong right.
Actually, if you’re going to say sorry, you need to apologise just because you know it’s the right thing to do, regardless of the outcome. ”
Maddie winced. She was worried Jennifer might react badly to that, but the other woman tensed, looked thoughtful, then shook her head with a sigh.
“You’re right,” she said. “I know you’re right.”
“When Pip apologised to Marley, he said sorry despite the fact he was still angry at him, and even though he knew Marley might shun his apology. He said sorry because he knew the things he’d said were far too harsh.”
Jennifer nodded, her expression sad, with resigned foreboding.
Emma reached out her hand and squeezed Jennifer’s shoulder affectionately. Emma continued. “If he didn’t love you, Jennifer, he wouldn’t have given a hoot about leaving you home alone on Christmas Day. He wouldn’t, would he, Maddie? You know him better than me, love. What do you think?”
Maddie did not feel comfortable being part of this conversation, so at first she shrugged and shook her head, glaring a little at her mother for dragging her into this.
But then she saw Jennifer’s face fall, and she couldn’t help herself — she felt sorry for James’ mum.
Relations were frosty between James and his mother — and Maddie’s instinct was to protect him and internally demonise her — but there was a vulnerable side to Jennifer that Maddie hadn’t seen when they’d met before.
This woman wasn’t dissimilar from her own mother.
Emma and Jennifer both moved about the world with part of their hearts buried beneath the ground.
She’d said terrible things and she’d isolated herself from her surviving son, but she was also a grieving mother.
Maddie had lived with one of those for six years now, and knew how fragile they really were.
“I can’t speak for him,” she said. “But if you love him and you accept there are things you did wrong, you should apologise and see what happens. It could end with the worst-case scenario, but it could also be the absolute best.”
Jennifer nodded, swallowing audibly. “We will stay tonight, Emma,” she said.
“If it’s all right with you? I think it will do me good.
Both of us, actually. James loves being here, that’s clear to see.
It makes me feel a bit better, actually.
I thought he was avoiding home because he didn’t want to be around me, but I can see it’s also because he enjoys spending time with your lovely family. ”
Maddie smiled at that, not only because Jennifer was taking steps to make things better between her and her son, but also because it meant she got to spend another night with James. That would top off a lovely evening, and create a thoroughly perfect Christmas morning.
* * *
At 10 p.m. they put out a tray of vegetables for Rudolph and bid Benjamin goodnight.
Marley put him to bed, then rejoined the frivolity.
They stayed up past midnight, wished each other a Merry Christmas, then all headed up to bed together.
Maddie went to her own room at first. She changed into her nightie, then listened intently at the door until she was sure Emma and Ben had finished settling Jennifer in Bluebell’s room and had gone to their own bedroom.
When she was certain, she bid a dozing Bluebell goodbye.
She tried to be quiet, but every step she took solicited the woody creak of a floorboard.
As she shut her door behind her, the sound seemed to bounce off every hard surface in the house.
She froze, listening intently, but heard nothing.
Mercifully, she found James’ door slightly ajar, artfully propped open with a slipper.
James was in bed. She could tell by the way he raised his head as she entered, his eyes half shut and mouth slightly agape, that he’d been asleep.
“Hey,” she said. He held out his hand towards her, stifling a yawn.
Maddie closed the bedroom door gently behind her and crawled into bed beside him.
He turned onto his side to face her, kissing her gently on her nose.
He could hardly keep his eyes open, so Maddie stroked his hair back from his face until he fell asleep, basking in how gloriously ordinary it felt to have this man gaze lovingly at her as he slipped into slumber.
She tried to nudge aside the intrusive thought that this was fate, that she was meant to be here.
That was not possible. He was leaving soon.
Both enthralled and terrified by the strength of her growing feelings, she knew she had to do something to protect herself, to calm herself down.
She just wasn’t sure that she wanted to.
* * *
At six in the morning, James kissed her gently awake.
“If you want to keep this a secret, you should probably go back to your own bedroom,” he said.
Maddie nodded and sat up, stifling a yawn.
He gazed up at her, his eyes droopy with exhaustion.
Maddie ruffled his hair affectionately. He threw her a sleepy smile.
“Before you go, I got you a Christmas present,” he said. Maddie reeled. They had expressly agreed not to buy each other presents. “Chill out, it’s not that deep,” he said, rolling to the side of the bed and opening his bedside table drawer.
“I didn’t get you anything!” she whined.
“Oh, shush,” he said, handing her a small box.
Maddie stared at it, overwhelmed and even a little bit annoyed.
She wished he had stuck to their agreement not to buy anything.
She knew he hadn’t meant to make her feel this way, but she felt cheap and unthoughtful.
“Stop it,” he said, nudging the box and gesturing with his head for her to open it.
She sighed and did so. Inside were two dainty gold studs shaped like suns, each with a grey stone in their centre.
Maddie ran her thumb across their shiny surface. “They’re lovely.”
“Take one out and have a closer look at that stone in the centre,” he said.
Maddie did as she was told. Nothing came into focus at first, but eventually she could make out the overcast view they’d admired together from the window of the beach hut on the day they’d spent in Hunstanton together.
Maddie gasped. “Do you like them?” he asked.
“I love them,” Maddie said, removing one of several studs in her right ear and replacing it with one of the earrings.
She was overwhelmed by how thoughtful a gift they were.
Maddie loved jewellery shaped like the sun, moon and stars, and although they had never spoken about that, he had obviously deduced it on his own.
To anyone else, the earring would look just like something generic Maddie would wear, but she and James would know the earring was a secret nod to the day things became serious between them.
Suddenly, she had an idea. She took out the second earring and held it out for him to take. His eyes roamed her face for answers.
“If you put this in your helix piercing, nobody will be able to see it because your hair will cover it, but I’ll know it’s there,” she explained.
He smiled and held out his hand, but she pushed it softly away and leaned over him, brushing his hair gently to one side and taking out the earring he currently had in the hole at the top of his ear.
She replaced it with the new one, patted his hair down to cover it, then sat back to admire her work. James was grinning at her.
“There you go,” he said. “Now you have given me something.”
“It’s hardly the same,” Maddie tutted, stroking his hair away from his ear to admire the earring once more.
“I’m not talking about the earring,” he said, clutching his chest. “I’m talking about that warm fuzzy feeling in here.”
“Loser,” Maddie teased him, hitting his arm playfully. He laughed, and pulled her close.