Chapter Fourteen #2
“You’ll have the house to yourself, so you can shag all day and all over the place. No sneaking around, no rushing, no silent sex for three whole days. You’re welcome.”
Maddie laughed and rolled her eyes, but she was secretly thrilled and so was James.
He stood dutifully on the steps beside her, waving her departing family goodbye.
The moment they were out of sight, he dragged her into the living room, where he took his time undressing her, kissing every part of her body as he did so.
That night they had sex for hours, pausing only to drag James’ duvet from the bedroom to the living room.
They slept by the fire, their naked bodies tangled together in a way that felt like art.
* * *
Over the next few days, they got through twice as much work as they usually did, despite having significantly more sex than they were typically able to. Spurred on by the desire for free time to spend together, they worked as quickly as they possibly could.
“I will never get enough of you,” James told her very frequently. “You’re the sexiest, best-smelling woman I’ve ever met in my entire life.”
Maddie wasn’t sure how to accept these compliments, so she would typically giggle and say something nice back.
Now that there was no need for him to rush the things he said or whisper them in passing, it wasn’t long before he realised she was essentially rejecting his words.
The third time she did it, he stopped her.
“What’s going on, Mads?” he asked. He grabbed her wrist to stop her from pulling on her jumper dress over her underwear, his eyes greedily drinking her in.
“You do know how gorgeous you are, don’t you?
” He held her hand in the air and encouraged her to turn on the spot, straining to view every inch of her as he did.
When she reached the starting point, he made a funny little noise, as though he’d just taken a bite of something delicious.
“Stop,” Maddie whined, stepping towards him in what was a subtle attempt to cover herself with part of his body.
She moved to kiss him — when he was kissing her he wasn’t looking too closely at her and she felt better about herself — but he stepped away and came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her and encouraging her to look at herself in the full-length mirror before them.
His groin, hard with desire, was pressed against her bum.
“Look at those curves, that skin, those eyes, your hair. You’re incredible.”
Maddie didn’t say anything because she didn’t know what to say.
She was nowhere near as insecure as she had once been, but she hardly ever felt gorgeous.
She was ashamed to acknowledge that she did feel prettier since James had been in her life, which meant a little bit of her self-worth was tied to what handsome men thought of her, and that irked her.
She was also embarrassed to admit that — despite how obviously he desired her, how obsessed he was with looking at her, touching her, taking her to bed — she was convinced he would prefer her shorter and slimmer, which felt like a silly thing to admit.
Maddie hated these stupid notions. She hated the fact that society’s beauty standards for women were so incredibly limited.
She had learned through personal experience that it didn’t matter what most individuals really liked, skinny was always in.
It was hard to shake the thought that James would feel like that, too.
She knew he liked her, but she was worried he secretly felt like they’d be better suited and more palatable to everyone else if she’d just comply and lose a few pounds, even though he had never — not once — given her any reason to believe that was how he felt.
She wanted to tell him the truth about why she kept rejecting the nice things he said to her, but she struggled even to explain it to a woman who wasn’t in the same situation, so she wasn’t sure she’d ever feel safe saying these things to a man.
She’d tried before, but generally men just brushed off her concerns, even when, like now, she’d been asked to explain herself.
When she wasn’t forthcoming, James took it upon himself to continue.
“The moment I saw you, I was, like, ‘that is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen’. Then you smiled in front of me, like, a week later, because of something Marley said to you, I think, and I was, like, ‘I might die if she doesn’t smile like that at me one day’. ”
Maddie smiled now, involuntarily.
“Tell me you know how gorgeous you are,” he whispered in her ear. “I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t.”
She didn’t say anything, instead she stared at herself in the mirror and wished she could say what she wanted to. He watched her reflection, his features shifting slowly, heavy with sadness. Maddie smiled sympathetically.
“Patriarchy did a number on curvy feminists,” she said. “My punishment for ‘eating too much’ is feeling shitty about myself for ever, for refusing to starve myself, and feeling like a bad feminist every time a man like you tells me you find me attractive and it makes me feel good.”
“Fucking hell.” He groaned, burying his face in her neck.
“I appreciate you telling me you think I’m gorgeous and I believe you do, by the way.
But it’s very unfeminist to tie my self-worth to you.
At the same time, society keeps telling me I’m undesirable, and it’s really hard to miss that messaging, no matter how hard you try.
I’m not always strong enough to reject it.
So, it’s a never-ending cycle of shit, you see.
I’m a bad woman for not being skinny, then a bad feminist for feeling desirable when a man like you tells me I am. ”
James rested his chin on her shoulder, watching her once more in the mirror.
“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.
“Women are the best. You, individually, are the best. I want to tell you you’re gorgeous twenty times a day and I want you to believe it without feeling guilty because I’m a man and I said it, and without worrying that it isn’t true because people, generally, are shits. ”
Maddie laughed softly, reaching up to wind her fingers tightly in his hair.
He smiled against the skin on her neck, kissing her suggestively.
She watched him in the mirror, his hands roaming over the curves she knew he loved.
This man was beautiful, sweet and funny, and she drove him wild.
That made her feel proud and sexy. For the first time, she forced herself to feel those things without a hint of guilt.
* * *
They greeted the New Year on the porch, wrapped in blankets and bathed in candlelight. They were so absorbed in conversation they were momentarily confused by the popping of fireworks in the distance, having not noticed midnight was approaching.
It was the freedom to be consumed with each other Maddie missed most when her family returned.
She was glad to see them, but she’d have been grateful for a few more days alone with James.
She didn’t want to go back to hiding their relationship, but when he broached the idea of telling people their secret, Maddie didn’t want to do that, either.
She was relieved he didn’t ask her for an explanation, because she knew he wouldn’t accept the only one she had as a valid reason to keep things a secret.
James hadn’t mentioned travelling for a while, but she was convinced he still wanted to go, and she knew her parents would be worried she’d be hurt by his impending departure if they found out about their relationship.
They would almost certainly say or do things to try and sway his decision towards staying with Maddie.
She cared too much about him to let that happen.
She also didn’t want to feel like he’d only stayed because he liked the Whittles and wanted to make them happy.
If he stayed, she wanted that to be because he really wanted to be with her.
So, for now, they needed to keep their secret.
That meant endlessly yearning for hand-holding over the breakfast table, spontaneous kisses and moonlit walks in the garden together.
Maddie missed cooking for him exclusively, sharing showers, snuggling up on the sofa.
She could tell from the look in his eyes he missed these things, too.
“God, he’s like a love-struck teenager,” Bluebell remarked, two days after their return. “Moping around here, gazing longingly at you every five seconds. How Mum, Dad and Marley haven’t figured you two out yet, I’ll never know.”
“Are you sure they haven’t?” Maddie asked, nervously.
“They never mentioned it when we were away,” Bluebell said. “You know what Marley is like, Mads. If he knew, he would say something.”
“I can’t believe Autumn hasn’t told him,” Maddie remarked.
“I can,” Bluebell said. “She’s a solid friend, that one. What’s between her and us stays between her and us. She’s a fucking legend.”
Maddie changed the subject. “I’m so excited to go dress shopping with her and Mum tomorrow. Does she have any idea what she wants?”
Bluebell shook her head. “Something classy as fuck, knowing Autumn. She said she wants something understated, but when has she ever been that? She couldn’t underplay herself if she tried. She could put a bloody bin bag on and still be the hottest woman in the room.”
“What about bridesmaid’s dresses, has she mentioned them?”
The thought of being promenaded in front of a crowd, even one that was relatively small, made Maddie feel anxious. She did not like being the centre of attention even for a moment. Sure, most eyes would be on Autumn, of course, but that didn’t make her feel any better.
Bluebell shook her head. “She’ll put us in something gorgeous, though.
Something simple and chill. Something we really want to wear.
I know you hate being paraded, Mads, but you’ll have nothing to worry about.
Autumn hates attention, too. She knows how you feel. She’ll make sure you’re comfortable.”