Chapter Fifteen #3
That afternoon, Maddie chased James out into the garden.
He was heading to the sofa on the porch with his guitar, where he often spent a half hour or so playing songs and singing softly to himself.
It was a form of meditation, he’d told her once, a way to reset himself and clear his head.
She informed him he no longer needed to prepare the garden as formally as they had planned for the wedding, since the idea of doing so was overwhelming Autumn.
Now the only people who would be there would be the Whittles, Autumn’s family and exceedingly close friends.
She was happy to keep the altar and for them to put out some pretty decorations in the form of lights, planters and flowers, but she didn’t want hordes of people or a huge fuss.
She wanted the people closest to her present for a blessing and their friends could come later for a party.
James blinked at her. “I’m confused.”
Maddie shrugged. “It’s just not them. The big, fancy wedding thing was never their vibe,” she explained. “They were going along with it because they wanted to make everyone else happy.”
“Right,” James said, sounding uncertain. “Well, at least I’ll have more time to work on Bowie’s old bedroom.”
Maddie was relieved by the change of subject.
“What are you doing in there, exactly?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at him playfully.
She’d seen him carrying materials in and out of the room — he’d spent several hours in there since she’d agreed to let him renovate it — but she had no idea what he was up to.
Plus, to her surprise, she realised she trusted him.
She knew whatever he was doing would be carefully thought through and sensitively executed, so she focused instead on the fact they only had a few months until the retreat opened.
Maddie was too busy updating her website and social media sites and taking her first bookings to pay much attention to anything else.
She had three guests so far, they had both been sent to her by charities, who were paying for them to stay.
They were a woman with breast cancer, a woman with leukaemia and a man with lymphoma.
That last one scared Maddie a little bit, as having him here would bring back so many painful memories of Bowie’s last days, but she reminded herself this was what she was here to do.
“Never you mind,” James interrupted her ruminating, stepping towards her.
Before she could stop herself, Maddie backed away, searching around self-consciously.
When she looked back at James, his features were heavy with rejection, and she could tell her action had flooded his heart with sadness.
He tried to correct himself, but she never, ever wanted to make him feel like that.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just don’t want anyone to see.”
James nodded, but his jaw was tense and he averted his gaze.
Maddie was taken aback. This was the first time he’d shown any hint of irritation at their situation and the first time in weeks there had been any friction between the two of them.
It made Maddie want to cry. She bit her lip and lowered her head, her eyes filling with tears.
She was failing in her mission not to hurt someone she cared about.
Behind him, perched on the wooden porch railing, Maddie caught sight of the robin that frequented the garden.
It was standing stock-still and staring at her, as though trying to communicate.
Bowie entered her mind the way he always did whenever she saw a robin, and that made her want to cry harder.
She really wished he was here to talk this through with.
Right on cue, the bird skipped across the railing so that it was closer to her.
It was watching her in a way that felt rather pointed.
Maddie wiped her eyes. Perhaps he was here, after all.
“Hey,” James whispered. “Please don’t get upset. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you sad.”
“I’m being stupid.” Maddie wiped her eyes and tried to look at him, but they filled once more. James stepped towards her, shaking his head.
“Please don’t,” he pleaded. “If you cry I’m going to have to hug you, and then everyone will know.”
Maddie couldn’t help it and laughed at that.
Something about the way he said it made her feel comfortably ridiculous.
She knew she was being silly. James was her friend, so those who didn’t know there was anything romantic between them wouldn’t be tipped off by him hugging her when she was upset, and there was much to be upset about at the moment.
She was being overly cautious, she knew that.
“I’m sorry,” she said. He was standing so close to her now she could smell the citrus shampoo he used in his hair and the shaving foam that haunted his skin. He opened his arms to receive her.
“Come here immediately,” he said. She cast herself into his embrace, burying her head in his chest. She let him rock her from side to side for a few minutes, enjoying the heat of his body and the thumping of his heart against her temple.
In that moment, she was scared of the power of her feelings for this man.
It took very little effort from him to turn her mood right around.
The mere sight of him lifted her spirits and lightened her heart.
She was never happier than when he was beside her.
“I need to talk to you,” he said, bang on time. “About us. What we’re doing and where we’re going. It’s nothing to worry about, but I do think we need to have a conversation. I’ll take you for dinner?”
Maddie couldn’t help it, she beamed at that. “I haven’t been taken out for dinner by a man in for ever.”
James shook his head. “A fucking travesty,” he said.