Chapter Nineteen #2
They tumbled back into uncomfortable silence.
Through the floor, they could hear the giddy laughter of her family in the kitchen.
Maddie wanted to join them more than anything, but had to have this conversation with James.
For the sake of everyone, not just the two of them, Maddie needed to clear the air.
“I never meant to hurt you,” she started, her voice barely more than a whisper.
“I know that,” he said. “I mean, you didn’t, not really.
I hurt myself by being a bloody idiot. What’s happening now is the consequences of my own actions.
Indulging the idea of taking the job in the first place, even if it was only fleetingly, talking to your brother, taking his advice when he told me not to tell you about it.
That was all my fault. I should have known better. ”
Maddie didn’t want to object to his explanation because it was true, but she wanted to acknowledge that her own complicated personality had not helped the situation.
“Another woman would probably accept your explanation and move on,” she said, wincing guiltily.
James stared straight into her face. “And I would not be in love with that woman,” he said. “I adore every single bit of you, Maddie, even the part that’s making you do this.”
Maddie nodded sadly, tearing her gaze from his. She had not expected him to be so understanding. She’d presumed his stony gaze and silence this past week had been because he was angry at her, but it sounded more like he was mad at himself.
“I don’t want to spend the next few weeks like this,” she said.
James shook his head, closing his eyes and covering his face with his free hand. “Me neither,” he said, sighing. “Being so close to you and not being able to touch you is driving me mad.”
“You can touch me whenever you want,” Maddie said, reaching out to grab him.
She tugged gently on his wrist, forcing him to uncover his face and the tears he was trying to hide from her.
She had thought in the beginning that James was not an emotional man, but knew now that he was.
He had been close to tears several times in just a few short months, but this was the first time she’d seen him actually cry.
It devastated her. “Come here.” She pulled him towards her.
He complied, burying his head in her shoulder and resting there.
Maddie ran her hand through his hair, enjoying the feel of his breath against her skin. She kissed his cheek and sighed.
“Can I stay in your room tonight?” she asked. She felt his breath catch in his throat, his body tense. “We’re still together, aren’t we? I thought we were. We’re wasting so much time, James. I want to spend as much time with you as possible before you go,” she explained.
He stood up straight to look at her. “You can stay with me whenever you want,” he said, parroting her earlier words. Maddie raised a small smile, cupping his face with her hand.
“I love you, James,” she said, staring straight into his eyes.
He gazed back, his eyes wet with resignation. “I love you, too.” He pulled her closer. “More than absolutely everything else. More than I ever thought possible. More and more, with each day that passes. I love you, Maddie. I only wish I could prove to you how much.”
* * *
In the weeks leading up to the opening of the retreat, Maddie posted a job vacancy for a handyperson, someone to take over James’ role when he left.
The salary and benefits were good, and they’d get his room, of course.
She needed someone who had some skills and — most important — the right values.
Someone who was kind, courteous and cared about people.
She was inundated with inappropriate applicants, some of whom slipped through the net, which led to her interviewing them by accident.
One man turned up wearing a tuxedo and proudly told her he’d never held a hammer in his life.
There was a woman in her eighties who insisted she could handle the manual labour that came with the role, and an eighteen-year-old whose first question was ‘Do I still get paid if I’m off sick? ’.
To ease Maddie’s growing anxiety, Marley promised he’d help out until a replacement for James could be found.
He was still pretty useless when it came to proper DIY, but good with any heavy lifting and moving, plus he’d be great company.
His promise made Maddie feel slightly better, and she was grateful he’d offered to help despite not agreeing with her sending James away.
Nobody did.
When it came to James, things were better between them.
They celebrated Valentine’s Day like any normal couple would.
They were flirty and playful. They went on dates and took sunset strolls hand in hand in the garden.
By early March, he’d stopped begging her to let him stay and she’d stopped sidestepping conversations about his travelling.
She regularly asked him about his plans and he’d answer without adding the caveat that he still didn’t want to leave and would stay if she asked him to.
Now that he was on good terms with his mother again, James would alternate his evenings, spending one night with Maddie and the next night at home.
During the evenings they spent together, they made love all through the night, whispering declarations of love so frequently that the words almost lost all meaning.
They felt natural and ordinary, so true and accepted they were no longer a declaration at all.
Over time, Maddie felt better about the way her voice sounded when she simply said those three words, without the need for clarification of her position by sticking the word ‘but’ into the middle of a longer sentence.
She loved him, it was that simple — she’d told him a thousand times before and she’d tell him a thousand times again.
He knew where he stood and so did she. There was no need to add anything else.
In the daytime, they worked. Though James understandably didn’t want to get involved in replacing himself, he did help Maddie find yoga instructors, meditation experts and massage therapists.
There were dozens of them in the local area, all looking for regular work.
Over time, Maddie hoped to add more animals to the grounds — chickens, ducks, goats, perhaps a dog.
The retreat would be a sanctuary for those looking to focus on getting better, to relax and spend time with people who knew what they had been through.
Maddie would do most of the cooking and cleaning herself, though she accepted she might need to hire someone at some point.
It would be hard work, but the level of dedication required would feel worth it to the new hire if she hired the right person.
They would understand that commitment came with the territory, that they should be stressed because they were working with vulnerable people and trying to make their lives better.
She reiterated that part, hopeful she’d find people who genuinely cared about the health and well-being of their guests.
Aside from that, Maddie had re-enrolled in therapy.
In the wake of everything that had happened with James, she had realised her happiness had become intrinsically tied to him, and that was not a good enough life for Maddie.
She wanted to be strong, secure and happy of her own accord.
She wanted to finally beat her demons. She wanted to heal properly, so that any decisions she made were in spite of the hardships she had faced in her life, not because of them.
She no longer wanted to be led by the damage that had been done to her by circumstances out of her control — her mother leaving her and Bowie dying.
She wanted to get better, and accepted that would take more time and effort than she had invested thus far.
She was apprehensive at first, but knew she’d made the right decision after her very first session. This was the only way.
As the weeks wore on, Maddie’s feelings of anxiety started to dissipate and she rediscovered her passion for her project.
That was in part because her family had stepped up spectacularly to help.
Together, they had improved every imperfect nook and cranny.
The house and its gardens had never looked so good.
Even Pip was lending a hand, travelling home most weekends to assist where he could.
In mid-March, the day before Marley’s and Autumn’s wedding, he dedicated his afternoon to helping Maddie paint her bedroom, which looked tired compared to the rest of the house.
Maddie loved her room and always had. It had been hers for a really long time.
She had grown up there, morphed from a little girl into a grown woman.
She’d cried within its confines, pondered and wondered.
Most recently, she had fallen in love there.
Truly, it felt like a sanctuary to her, a safe space.
Now that her books and Bowie’s had been relocated to their new home on the bookcase James had built especially for them in Bowie’s old bedroom, Maddie couldn’t wait to reclaim her space.
Instead of getting the stepladder so that he could reach the very top of her bedroom wall, Pip had hoisted Benjamin onto his shoulders and given him a paintbrush.
Her nephew was making a terrible mess of things, but he was also having a wonderful time, so Maddie didn’t mind so much.
There was no real need for this room to be perfect — nobody would see it except for her.
The sentimentality of her nephew’s contribution meant more to her than a flawless finish. Maddie lay on her bed, watching them.
“Have you had any thoughts on a name for the retreat?” Pip asked, stepping sideways so that Benjamin could reach a new part of the wall.