31. Anastasia
Anastasia
I don’t want to leave my room with the large gathering downstairs for our annual Christmas Eve party.
My mom bought me a beautiful short red silk dress with a flowing skirt, tight bodice, and a low-cut neckline.
I pair it with white tights and matching red heels.
I don’t care much for how I look when there’s only one person whose eyes I want to watch light up at seeing me.
It never fails to make me giddy. Rhett left early this morning, knocking on my door only to wish me a happy Christmas and to leave a red rose on my dresser, which I haven’t touched.
Shadow’s fur grazes my hand and I crouch to him, giving his goofy face a good scratching to help boost my mood.
He’s the most treasured gift, and even though I’m sad Rhett isn’t here and angry he’d kept his inevitable absence today from me, I can’t truly stay mad.
He isn’t mine, and this is his job, nothing more, which he is long overdue a break from.
Above all, my heart is cleaved by the knowledge Christmas Eve was the day Sarah was killed.
“Ana, they’re expecting you, dear,” my mom says after a shallow knock. She enters—not fully, as she’s somewhat frightened of Shadow—but her face gushes, eyes trailing over me. “You look beautiful.”
I force a smile and take a long breath. I can do this. I want to do this.
“I’ll be right down.”
Mom nods and leaves me. My eyes fall again to the rose on the dresser by the door. I pick it up, bringing it to my nose, and only then do I notice the small tag dangling from the thornless stem.
Your gift is in my room.
My stomach coils with a tight thrill and I leave immediately, crossing the hall. On his made bed there’s a long black box with a red bow on it. The closer I get, there’s no mistaking what it is from the shape.
Unclipping the case, my breath catches at the stunning deep red violin. It must have cost a small fortune. My fingers graze along the polish until I see a small engraving, and I lift it out to read it closer. My nose stings and my eyes prick with tears at the two words: Little Bird.
Fuck. I miss him. Not for the length of time he’s been gone, but in my damn chest he’s carved a place and I need him, want him, tonight.
Shadow whines like he can sense my drop in mood as I sit on Rhett’s bed. He jumps up, lying his huge head beside me. I take a moment to collect myself, finding comfort in running my hand over his soft black fur.
I spend ten minutes tuning the new violin with a short practice before I head downstairs.
The foyer is littered with bodies, and as I make my way to the main room of the house I greet so many people.
I’m already getting lightheaded. In the center of the room a pianist is playing softly, and it helps to soothe my senses.
“Oh Anastasia,” my father says warmly when he spots me. “We are most looking forward to seeing you play.”
So are the press, I think, noticing the cameras ready to take their shots.
I step up onto the round platform with the pianist, who acknowledges me kindly, and take out my new violin. There’s a certain comfort that settles in my chest with it.
My palms clam up and my heart speeds even though I’m excited to play.
I want to block it all out, but this is always the hardest part.
Beginning. Lifting my violin and settling in the chinrest, I hate that my eyes prick, only because I realize I’m searching the eager crowd for one face I won’t find.
How am I going to go on if he leaves me after his post? After he gets what he wants from it in taking down his uncle.
Meeting eyes with the awaiting pianist, I give a nod, and I play.
I don’t have Rhett’s eyes to anchor me, but his presence has wormed its way inside me, and that’s all I think of as notes sing from my strings.
It awakens me from within like dormant joy, flooding me with so many emotions all at once.
When I play, it’s just me and the instrument in my hands.
The nerves dissipate on high and low notes, and I spill the sound of my soul to a crowd that doesn’t even exist to me anymore.
When I finish, my first breath after the echo of the final note crashes me back to reality. Clapping erupts, cameras flash, but I’m slammed by only one thing.
How could I have been so selfish?
I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Rhett hasn’t abandoned me—I’ve abandoned him.
I hurriedly pack away my violin before grabbing the case and rushing off the platform. I find my white coat and scarf and change into red flats.
“What’s the matter, honey? Is it your nerves again? You played so beautifully,” my mom fusses.
“I loved it,” I say hurriedly. “Every second, and I’m glad you got to hear it. But I have somewhere I need to be, and I won’t be back for dinner tomorrow.”
I know I’ll be met with protest, but I have to make her understand.
“I can’t explain, but I need to do this. I love you and I’ll call!”
“Ana!”
I spin around before reaching the door. Dad strides to me with a firm expression, and I’ll admit, I’m nervous to defy him.
“I can’t let you go alone without your guard.”
“I’m going to him.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Then send whoever you need with me, but I’m going.”
His lips firm. He can’t hold me here unless he puts me under lockdown, and I would never forgive that. He seems to war with that conclusion as well.
“Two security guards will be taking you there.”
“Thank you.”
I know it’s hard for him. He’s been so worried about the safety of our family with his running. With a deep sigh of reluctance, his large arms open and I step into them.
“Merry Christmas, my darling girl.”
“Merry Christmas, Dad.”
“The jet will be ready for you when you get to the airport.”
I smile before heading out as a driver pulls up to take me there. The flight is only around an hour, and I just hope Rhett won’t want to cast me away the moment he sees me tonight. On the anniversary of his fiancée’s death.
I called Allie before I boarded, and by some means beyond my comprehension, she’s managed to share Rhett’s location with me through this protected app he installed on my new phone again.
He isn’t at the cemetery she said he was likely to be at.
When I get close enough to his pin, I hop out of the car and walk.
Until I find him.
He’s leaning his forearms on his thighs, sitting on a bench down a quiet market street with twinkling fairy lights all around. The snowfall gathered on his silver hair and black jacket indicates he hasn’t moved in some time, and my heart breaks at the lonely, lost sight of him.
I approach slowly, suddenly awash with nerves that maybe he doesn’t want me here. Maybe this is crossing a line. But I can’t leave him like this, and I never should have let him come here alone at all.
Finally, his head turns enough, and he straightens in shock when he sees me, bracing a hand on his thigh and scanning me once. Twice. As if he expects me to turn into a ghost if he dares blink.
“Ana?”
I nod, fighting back my tears, because I’ve missed him.
And I mourn for his pain, wanting to take it all when in this moment he’s showing more vulnerability than ever before.
This day will always break him, and he doesn’t pretend otherwise.
Instead all my tears flood to the surface when his do, like a straining dam finally caving in, and his fingers pinch between his eyes as he drowns.
I sit beside him and Rhett leans into the arms I wrap around him as he releases the barrel of emotions he’s bottled up for far too long in his silence.
“I’m here,” I choke. “I’ll always be right here.”
He shakes under me and I just hold him, not knowing what else to do, but at least he doesn’t push me away. I cry for him. With him. If he’s going to suffer this day then I will too. I peel off my gloves and take his hands, which are ice-cold.
“You shouldn’t have come,” he barely whispers.
“Do you not want me here?” I ask. I won’t be offended if he doesn’t.
“That’s not what I mean,” he says, finally looking at me with ocean eyes split with misery. “I’ll always be a danger to you. And you’re going to say you want to take that risk, but you shouldn’t. I’m not good , and I never will be.”
“I know who you are, Rhett Kaiser. I know what you are and I haven’t wanted to leave.
I don’t want you to leave. If you do, that is not my choice and you do it for yourself.
” My hand cups his cold, flushed cheek, brushing away the tears he let fall, and I’m so glad to see them when they’d otherwise keep turning into glass within him, cutting him instead.
“You’re so damn stubborn,” he mutters. Then he holds my face and brings his mouth to mine.
His lips are freezing, but I kiss him back, pulling him closer when he tries to break away.
I straddle him on the bench, uncaring of passersby and the snow seeping through my tights at my knees.
I kiss him like I can warm him with my body alone, but I know it’s not enough.
I want to be in a hotel, stripped bare and slick with sweat in contrast, because he’ll fuck me again and again and we’ll wake up tomorrow together and he’ll never be alone with his pain for Christmas Day ever again.
“I’m a broken man, Ana, but I’m yours.”
Rhett Kaiser is sharp and no doubt deadly. But there’s so much to be found behind the broken, so much to be loved, and I’m committed to seeing it all.
“We’re all different kinds of broken, Rhett. Your pieces are just a little sharper than most.”
He smiles and I melt at the soft gratitude in his blue eyes. “We should get somewhere warm.”
I giggle, brushing the fresh snowfall off his wet hair and thinking how gentle and beautiful he looks with the cold turning his nose and cheeks pink.
Hand in hand we walk, in no hurry, through the streets awake with Christmas lights.
When I pick up on the soft playing of a piano I gravitate to find it, until we stumble upon a breathtaking pavilion lit up beautifully with a single pianist. A few families and couples have stopped around to admire the show.
My fingers flex on the handle of my violin case. An idea sparks to mind as I recognize the chords of the next song the pianist is easing into. Pulling Rhett closer to the pavilion, my heart thunders. Am I really about to do this?
Fuck it.
“What are you doing?”
I drop down, opening the case and pulling out my violin.
“I played for an audience for the first time in years tonight,” I say, “and the person I have to thank for helping me realize I could conquer my fears never got to hear it.”
Rhett looks me over with surprise, then the brightness that filled his eyes is all the confidence I need. So I join the pianist, and I play for him.