Chapter 12
The day we visited Mount Mitake was the beginning of the eighth week.
According to their original plans, Chao Khun and Mom Ratchawong Kirati were to leave Tokyo and return to Thailand at some time during that week.
But a couple of days later, I learned from Mom Ratchawong Kirati that Chao Khun was happy to extend their stay in Tokyo by a further two weeks.
During this period there were two major items on their itinerary.
First, Chao Khun and Mom Ratchawong Kirati would spend two or three days at Atami, in order to bathe in the hot springs and see the scenery, for which it is famous throughout Japan.
And second, on the journey from Tokyo to Kobe, they would stop over at Osaka for two or three days, to see the progress of one of Japan’s major industrial cities, and, also the Takarazuka Theatre, which was the biggest in Japan.
In the days that remained, I went to see Mom Ratchawong Kirati and Chao Khun just as before.
I have to confess, that latterly, when I was with Mom Ratchawong Kirati in the presence of her husband, my conscience was not as clear as it had once been, and I had to make a constant effort not to behave in an unnatural way.
The churning feeling in my heart must have been no different from the feelings of a criminal, who, having secretly committed a serious crime, then socializes with morally upright people.
It surprised me very much to see that there was nothing in the least unusual in Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s demeanour.
She remained just as warm to me as before, whether her husband was present or not.
The warmth she showed towards me in the presence of Chao Khun, in particular, frequently caused me alarm.
However, the fact that she had behaved quite normally towards me for the rest of their stay was a relief to me, that she was still the same Mom Ratchawong Kirati as before, and that she did not hate me after I had caused such a disturbing scene on Mount Mitake.
Once or twice, I tried to bring it up, but her response cut me short.
One evening at Atami, Mom Ratchawong Kirati invited me out alone with her for a walk.
‘There are only six days left.’ We were talking about having to part.
‘You keep counting the days then, do you, Nopporn?’
‘I count every hour, every minute, almost every breath.’
‘You’re taking it much too seriously. I warn you, my dear, it might make you ill. You must try to control yourself.’ Her voice was full of kindness, which pierced my heart even more deeply.
‘I don’t want to. I don’t see any reason why I should have to suppress a love which arose spontaneously and purely, a love which is innocent, which is tragic and which deserves pity. I can’t do that to love.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati sighed. ‘We can’t escape reality, Nopporn.’
‘What reality?’
‘The reality that in six days’ time we must part.’
‘It’s a very cruel reality,’ I said bitterly.
‘That’s why I asked you to try to control your feelings. Please believe me, my dear.’
‘I’ll try. But I don’t think it will be any use.’
‘We should never have met,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati said wistfully, more to herself than me. ‘Our beginning was so wonderful. But in the end, that beginning brought us to this torture.’
‘Is it torture for you, too?’
‘I’m tormented by my pity for you. I feel sorry because you’ve been too honest with me.’
‘I think honesty is an important part of true love,’ I said, a little defiantly.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati composed herself. ‘If I’d done something to displease you at the outset,’ she continued quite normally, ‘things wouldn’t be this way.’
‘But I’m perfectly happy with the way things are now. No matter how much pain love may cause us, it’s a wonderful blessing in life, as you yourself said. I’m not wrong, am I, in thinking that you love me the same way I love you, with all my heart and soul?’
‘Believe me, please, Nopporn, you must try to control your feelings.’
Ultimately, I received no clear answer from her lips while we were together at Atami.
We stayed at the Osaka Hotel for two days.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati and I scarcely had a chance to make our farewells alone.
Early the following morning, the day we were to travel to Kobe, Mom Ratchawong Kirati knocked on the door of my room.
When I opened the door, she seemed surprised to see me already dressed, in a blue woollen suit with waistcoat and tie, rather than my night clothes.
‘I didn’t think you’d be up yet because we were late getting to bed last night. Why are you all dressed up and ready to go? We’re not leaving before nine o’clock.’
‘I know. But I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and got dressed. And in a minute, I think I’ll go downstairs, because I feel I need to get out.’
‘It’s cooler today than it was and there’s a thick fog. I hope you’re not going outside now.’
‘No, I’m not, now.’ I closed the door and went and sat down on the chair in front of the desk, which stood near the bed. Mom Ratchawong Kirati sat down on the edge of the bed. I was overjoyed to see her, even though I was a little puzzled as to why she wanted to see me at such an early hour.
Sitting facing Mom Ratchawong Kirati that morning, our last before we were to be parted, my heart pounded violently.
I sat there feeling sad, trying to remain composed.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati did not utter a word.
Thirty seconds passed in silence. Finally, she spoke.
‘We’re leaving Osaka between half past nine and ten o’clock.
We’ll have lunch at Kobe, at the invitation of a Thai friend there. The boat sails at two o’clock.’
At the last sentence, my heart missed a beat.
‘Once we get to Kobe, we’re sure to get completely caught up in saying goodbyes.
We won’t get another chance to be alone,’ she added in the same measured tone.
She paused for a moment. A lump rose in my throat.
I avoided her eyes and blinked several times.
‘I thought you’d want at least ten minutes, for us to say our own personal farewells, so that’s why I came to see you so early.
’ Her voice was composed, leaving me completely overwhelmed.
‘That’s what I wanted so much. I’m so grateful to you, for giving me this opportunity,’ I said, and then fell silent.
‘You must get down to your studies so that you can fulfil your ambitions. When I’m in Thailand I’ll pray for you.’
‘Please think of me all the time. Please understand me and the love I feel for you.’
‘I promise. Is there anything else, Nopporn?’
‘I have a million more words to say, but time is short. I’d like to choose just a hundred that would make you understand that full million, but I can’t find the right ones.’
‘Just say what you can. The rest I’ll read in your eyes.’
My eyes met hers, and I felt a growing sense of melancholy. ‘Go ahead and read, then. I still don’t know what to say.’
We gazed into each other’s eyes for a while.
Finally, Mom Ratchawong Kirati got up and came and stood by my side.
She placed her hand on my shoulder. ‘My dear, please, for the last time,’ she entreated me, ‘take my advice. You left your home and country and came to Japan to study, not to love me. Keep your goal clearly in mind and stick to it. Forget what has been between us over the last two months or so. Think of it as a dream.’
I took hold of her hand and stroked it gently. ‘This is real flesh and blood. This is really you. It’s certainly no image, nor shadow in a dream. How am I supposed to think of it as a dream? I love this flesh and blood so desperately.’
Slowly, Mom Ratchawong Kirati withdrew her hand and looked away. ‘Chao Khun may wake up soon. In a minute I must get back to my room. Our time is almost up, my dear.’
I stood up. ‘Do you love me?’ I asked, my voice scarcely more than a whisper.
‘I’m your dearest friend,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati replied, as she took off her silk scarf and handed it to me.
‘Please take this to remind you of me.’ She held her hand out for me to touch.
I could scarcely contain my sadness, and tears welled up in my eyes.
I raised her hand and kissed it. She did not protest.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati lowered her head and was silent for a moment. ‘I must go back to my room,’ she said. ‘We’ll meet again in the dining room. Please keep your feelings under control.’ Then she looked me straight in the eye before turning and walking slowly towards the door.
We arrived at the quayside at half past one.
More than ten people, including both Thai and Japanese friends, had come to see Chao Khun and his wife off.
We chatted together as a group in the saloon, but I paid little attention to the conversation.
I just glanced furtively over at Mom Ratchawong Kirati, so as to imprint the image of her face deeply upon my heart.
The end had come. The ship gave a blast on its whistle and a bell was sounded to warn friends and relatives to leave the vessel.
Chao Khun and his wife bade farewell to all their friends in the saloon.
When they got round to me, Chao Khun shook my hand and thanked me profusely.
‘I shan’t forget your kindness, young man. You’ve been most helpful to us.’
I felt my heart miss a beat at his last sentence and I did not know what to say in reply.
I was the last person Mom Ratchawong Kirati said goodbye to.
She held her hand out to me. ‘Goodbye, my dear boy.’ She spoke very softly, but even so, there was a tremor in her voice.
Then she was silent, her lips pursed tightly together.
‘Please think of me always,’ I said.
‘I will. Always. Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye,’ I said, gritting my teeth. For the reputation of the woman I so loved, I had to try not to shed tears in front of the other people.
‘Goodbye.’
We followed the others out of the saloon.
As we were about to leave the ship, Chao Khun got caught up in another round of farewells.
In the midst of all this, I had one minute to be close to Mom Ratchawong Kirati, some way apart from all the others.
She held her hand out to me for the last time.
‘Do you love me?’ I whispered, for the last time, too.
‘Hurry along now, Nopporn,’ she said, and then covered her face with her hand for a moment. ‘Hurry, I can’t stand it.’ She bit her lower lip. I did likewise. Our eyes were filled with tears, but we each made a supreme effort to fight them back.
‘Goodbye,’ I whispered finally. When I let go of her hand, I felt as if my heart had attached itself to her lovely palm.