Chapter 16 #2
And I had to participate or I’d be considered as not finishing the semester, forced to take it all over again. I was lightheaded, about to lose what little was in my stomach.
Think. Think…
Another model. There had to be someone in the building who might fit into the second dress, the prototype that had morphed into the frock Valerie had ruined. I prayed to God that was the case or this would turn into my biggest nightmare of my life.
Well, another one.
“Just rest, Valerie. I’ll have someone come take care of you.”
I could hear her apologizing as I flew from the room, frantically searching for Fleur. I found her talking with a group of girls and almost ran her over.
“Fleur. Valerie is too sick to go on. I need another model.”
Fleur’s face immediately fell. “I’m afraid there is no one else.”
“There has to be.”
She laughed. “We run a very tight ship.”
“Then what will I do? I can’t fail. Not now. I do have another dress. It’s a little… different.”
Her face was furrowed, but I could tell by how her eyes were darting back and forth she was thinking. Then it was as if a lightbulb went off inside her magical, brilliant mind.
“The dress you were telling me about?” she asked, excitement in her voice.
“Yes, why?” It dawned on me. “No, not a chance.”
“Yes, you can do it. This is your design.” She was already pulling me toward my small dressing area, keeping her voice holding the calm that I’d grown to adore.
“Yes, but…”
“No buts. All you need to do is to walk down the runway, pose, scan the audience and smile with your head held high, make some eye contact with the right people, and walk back. There’s nothing to it.”
“No offense, but how would you know?” As soon as the stupid question was out of my mouth I groaned. “You were a model.”
“For over twenty years. Come on. Let me help you get ready. I’ll give you a few more pointers.”
“I’m going to be sick,” I moaned as she dragged me along.
“No, you are not. You are a brilliant designer, an extremely beautiful woman, and if those two amazing attributes weren’t enough, you have fire in your belly. So show the world what Rafaela can do.”
I gripped her arm, avoiding panicking. “Okay. Let’s do this, but I’m going to need your help.”
A huge smile crossed her face. “Lift your arms.”
Horror pooled in my stomach and I almost doubled over. “Make sure my hair covers my back. Okay?”
Fleur was one of the few people who’d heard about my horrors.
She’d become my den mother of sorts, taking me under her wing more than once.
She knew my secret when I’d kept as much of my past as possible from everyone else.
In her eyes, I saw the same sadness I felt in mine, but also the same anger I’d felt for years.
She wouldn’t hesitate to give my father not only a piece of her mind but also a lasting memory regarding anguish. “Don’t worry, honey. You’ll be beautiful.”
The woman was a miracle worker. Not only did she have me dressed, helping with a couple of alterations needed, but she also had hidden talents, her quick hairstyle and makeup creating an entirely different person.
When she was finished, I stood in front of the mirror, my chest aching from the crush of suffocation. I was shocked, fanning my face in some ridiculous attempt to keep from crying and ruining the makeup.
“You are an artist, Fleur. Thank you so much.”
“It helps when you have the perfect canvas to start. You look amazing.”
The song playing was one I knew well, selected to be used for four girls hitting the runway before the group with Valerie. “Oh, God. I can’t do this.” I peered down at Golden Angel while gripping the edge of the table.
“Yes, you can. Take your dog with you.”
“Are you kidding? They’ll crucify me. Can you just imagine? But I don’t know if I can do this without her. Why, oh, why?” I loathed the feeling of terror, of my past always crushing down on my future.
She lifted a single eyebrow. “No, I think taking Golden Angel with you will bring down the house. You have nothing to lose.”
The next song began to play and if I didn’t get in line, my professors would be furious.
“Baby girl. Time to make your debut as the next greatest model.” I laughed to try to ease the tension while grabbing her leash. How perfect that I’d purchased a new collar and leash with colors matching the festive dress I was wearing. Maybe I could pull this off. Maybe.
As soon as I moved into position behind the curtains, one of my professors noticed me.
“What are you doing?” Ms. Devane asked in her heavy French accent. Her look of disdain when seeing Golden Angel pissed me off instantly.
“My model was sick. The show had to go on.”
“You cannot take a dog with you.”
Two more girls to go before me.
You can do this. You can do this. If you don’t, I’ll kick your ass myself.
I was counting beats while trying to boost my courage.
She was attempting to get in my face. I snapped my head toward her.
“She’s my support animal and where I go, she goes.
Including the stage. I’ve earned this position and I am taking it.
Period. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the university president. ”
While her face was pinched at first as I’d witnessed dozens of times, her features softened and in another moment of utter shock, she pushed me forward, squeezing my arm.
As the girl in front of me walked out on stage, I gripped Golden’s leash, wrapping the thick purple strap around my hand. “Be my good girl and if you help Mommy dog through this, you get a huge pup cup tomorrow.”
Golden Angel was many things including a ham. Her tail shot out proudly as if she was about to walk the Westminster Dog Show.
The show’s director offered a slight grin before he pointed for me to head through the slight opening.
My head was held high, my other hand on my hip to offer a sassy appearance and I willed myself to relax.
Fat chance.
Yet the moment I walked onto the runway, I was mesmerized by the applause. While the lights were bright, almost blinding, I was able to see clear surprise and appreciation that a dog had joined a model on the runway.
The oohs and aahs brought me another jolt of self-confidence. I took a few steps, pausing in the right location to provide a taste of attitude as well as allowing the important buyers a longer look at my offering.
The announcer hired for the event read from the card I’d written regarding details about the dress, the style, and my inspiration. I moved to the second spot and the person behind the microphone was interrupted.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been told our last model is also the dress designer.”
The pressure was on, but with Golden by my side, we both pranced down the slick runway as if we owned the place. Dozens of pictures were being taken, flashbulbs going off even when they weren’t supposed to be. As soon as I got to the end of the runway, the nerves began to kick in.
Fuck. I was a little lightheaded as the anxiety moved to a higher level.
My grip of Golden’s leash was way too tight. As luck would have it, after being so proud of myself for keeping a practice smile, even flirting with the cameras, the moment I turned to head back, she growled.
Not just any growl, but one that told me she’d recognized someone in the audience.
While I doubted anyone could hear her subtle sound because of the lively music, the rumble was one I knew well. Strangely enough, the sound wasn’t the pitch used with intruders or with people she was anxious about me facing.
Her delighted, throaty growl was one of happiness. She also squealed, her entire backside and tail moving at the speed of a helicopter. The audience loved it, thinking I had her so well trained for a fashion show.
I didn’t need for her to offer another example. As soon as we took two more steps, she lunged forward. Thankfully, I’d anticipated her move and her nearly one-hundred-pound frame wasn’t able to rip me off the stage or even onto my face.
But it was enough of a jerk to know someone she cared about was sitting in the audience.
Other than me, there had only been one other person that she’d placed every bit of her trust and love into.
Kazimir.
But of course, it was impossible.
Lightheaded, my body swayed even though my mind was already processing the ugly reality.
The man I’d allowed into my heart was dead. Dead! He would never come save me. He would never be there to share in my joys.
Or more heartache.
He would never know…
Get your shit together. He. Is. Dead.
I would never forget the day my father had burst into my room, blood covering his face.
He’d laughed. Oh, my God, his laughter was a horrible sound and one I’d never forget.
He’d been gleeful in sharing the news, telling me because of the circumstances, I wasn’t able to watch the strong, powerful Russian being tortured and killed.
Oh, but that hadn’t stopped my father from dragging in a poor defenseless worker who’d been accused to providing assistance to the horrible criminal.
I’d been forced to watch him being…
I froze on stage, taking several deep breaths, even hearing the man’s screams in my head after all these years. If it hadn’t been for Fleur moving closer to the edge of the runway where I could see her, there was no way I could go on. Her eyes were full of concern and I finally waved my hand.
I managed to control my emotions, taking another step even though Golden Angel froze on the spot, now whimpering as she stretched to try to get closer to someone.
While keeping a smile on my face, I turned my head toward the same position, completely blinded by the lights.
Until a figure in the second row moved, allowing me to see a shadow.
A huge shadow.
A large man’s silhouette, a man with a neatly trimmed beard.
Momentarily stunned, I could hear my pulse throbbing in my ears. No. Golden was wrong. Kazimir was dead.
I’d been handed his bloodied shirt he’d worn just before my father had doled out my punishment.
Even though the horrible images tore through my mind, so did Kazimir’s words of possession that had kept me going for all these years.
“You will always be the innocent flower who found and healed me, a beautiful woman I could never forget. Perhaps one day, we’ll meet again. If we do, I promise you things will be different. You will be mine.”
How many nights had I envisioned him coming to save me like some stupid little girl? How many? Anger replaced uncertainty. I refused to allow the memory to destroy me once again.
He was dead. This wasn’t him. There was no fairytale ending, no chance at being able to say all the things my teenage mind that thought. God. What the hell was I doing to myself?
Laughing bitterly, I turned away, still able to keep my smile while walking with purpose toward the curtain.
Thankfully, Golden didn’t try to break free, but her anguished whimpers nearly broke my heart. “Non è lui, tesoro. Mi dispiace tanto.”
That’s not him, baby. I’m so sorry.
Golden looked up at me as if I had a magic wand, capable of altering the wretched outcome. If only she knew how much I’d once wished I could. Then I’d hated him for leaving. For lying.
For dying.
Hate was much easier to digest.
Once behind the curtain, the congratulations had already started, models and designers already ecstatic with the outcome.
I could see through the crack in the curtains, the lights slowly lifting to a brighter level.
Golden’s whine continued and while she was the best girl in the world, she was doing her best to rip the leash from my hand, longing to get to whoever she’d seen outside.
“You were fantastic!” Fleur told me.
I was barely listening. “Thank you.” In a fog, I moved away, pushing through the curtain and searching the crowd. I stood above them by several feet, but there were so many people standing in groups, yet to head to the ballroom for the reception that every male in the room blended together.
Golden stood still, only a few feet from where I was. Her tail stuck straight out, her ears up. Another whimper kept my attention, still scanning the crowd.
When she performed an action I hadn’t seen before by lifting her right paw as if pointing, I concentrated my stare on one location.
Just as a very tall man in a suit moved out the set of double doors. But not before stopping long enough to turn his head.
Woof!
Oh, no, no.
Golden’s bark was sharp and meaningful and there was nothing I could do to keep the leash in my hand. She dragged me toward the set of stairs, her pull so forceful I had to let go or fear losing my fingers.
My dog weaved through the crowd toward the door with ease. I pushed and shoved my way through, hindered by people trying to ask me questions and photographers attempting to take my picture.
When I finally made it to the corridor flanked by a series of glass doors, I couldn’t see where Golden had gone. Instead of feeling panic as I normally would after losing sight of her, a rush of adrenaline-laced excitement tore through me.
One tiny snorting woof could be heard over the roar of laughter and conversations and I rushed down the corridor to where she was standing, her heavy breathing frothing up the glass.
“Baby girl. Don’t run away from me.” Even before I grabbed her leash, I noticed what she was staring at.
Another set of icy ghostly fingers wrapped around my neck.
I was incapable of moving, fighting the insane thoughts poking the back of my mind like a sharp blade.
The same man from the audience was sliding into through the back passenger door of a large black SUV. In his attempt to close the door himself, I was rewarded with a glimpse of the side of his face.
His handsome, chiseled face, thick dark hair framing long black eyelashes. My reaction immediate, I opened the door without thinking, my baby rushing out in front of me, making it to the curb just as the driver pulled away.
Golden remained where she was, watching as the SUV rolled down the street, her beautiful fluffy tail slowly dropping.
I rushed beside her, crouching down. Panic had also wrapped its claws around me, the call of the past nothing I could handle. “Don’t you dare do that again. You scared Mommy.” Her little whimper kept my heart in fractured pieces. There was no way that was Kazimir. None.
And if it was, I’d push him away.
I’d need to. I couldn’t relive the past. I couldn’t tolerate the horror of what I’d endured.
Of what I’d done.
No, of what I’d been forced to do because of Kazimir’s death.
In those moments as the vehicle faded from view, I resisted falling prey to the darkest of emotions that had plagued me before.
Yet a single tear rolled down my face and Kazimir wasn’t here to take away my pain.