Chapter 21
Twenty-One
T revor didn’t say anything as they pushed the kayak back out into the water.
What was there to say? Grace had said everything.
The way she had completely denied that there might be anything between them had cut him to the quick.
He had thought that they were developing something together, but obviously she didn’t feel that way.
He’d been trying to dig beneath the surface a little bit and to figure out whether she might be ready today, but she’d answered that question loud and clear as well.
It seemed like with Grace, he was always too little, too late or something. Maybe he just wasn’t the person for her. Maybe she could never love him the way he had loved her. He thought about her for years and hadn’t spent much time interested in anyone else. Obviously he’d been wasting his time.
But what else was he to do? He just didn’t find anyone else interesting. Didn’t want to get to know them the way he wanted to know Grace. Didn’t want to be with them the way he wanted to be with Grace.
It was hard when one loved someone who didn’t love one back. When you wanted to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you.
She is with you today .
He heard the voice in his head and realized it was right. Maybe he was sinking into the depths of despair for no reason. Maybe she had panicked and was afraid that she was going to have to declare something that she didn’t want to.
He felt like he was grasping at straws.
“Sorry about back there,” she finally said after they’d been in the kayak for at least ten minutes. The bay was wide, and they were only halfway across, out by themselves. He hadn’t even tried to figure out where their parents were and keep up with them. He’d been too focused on the pain he felt.
“It’s okay. You were just saying what you felt.
” The words came out, and they even sounded normal.
But he didn’t feel normal inside. He felt like he wanted to get away from her as fast as he could, but he had more kayaking to do.
He could hardly tell his parents he wanted to cut out early.
But maybe he could ask Grace if she wanted to.
“I panicked. I didn’t want to say. I?—”
“It’s fine. You don’t have to explain anything. You said what you did, and you have the right to say what you feel.”
He didn’t want to hear her flimsy explanations. And he definitely didn’t want an apology. Another, I’m sorry, Trevor, but you’re just not the right man for me , wasn’t going to cut it right now. He wanted her to want him. As long as she didn’t say she didn’t, he didn’t have to face the facts.
“Trevor—”
“Please just enjoy the quiet. It’s a nice day out. We don’t have to talk.”
He knew he shouldn’t do that. Communication is what kept relationships alive, right?
He wasn’t sure he bought into that, but this was something that they should hash out, if they were going to have a relationship.
But what was he going to do? Be friends with the woman he was in love with from now until forever? He didn’t want to talk just for that.
Thankfully, she didn’t argue with him but stayed quiet.
He sank into deep thoughts, thoughts of how much of his life he’d wasted mooning over someone who couldn’t even admit that she had feelings for him in front of her mother and his dad.
She’d been able to fake it, but when it came time to tell her real feelings, there wasn’t anything there for him.
It wasn’t until a particularly strong gust of wind hit the kayak and a wave almost flipped it over that he realized that the wind picked up and one of those quick summer storms was upon them.
“Head to the beach! Pull!” His words were clipped, his command immediate and without room for argument.
It was because of the fear that rose up inside of him.
She got caught on the water once back when he was younger, and he never wanted to have it happen again.
His one thought was to get Grace to safety.
Of course, they both had a life vest on, but waves didn’t necessarily care, and one couldn’t float when a wave was descending on top of one’s head.
He looked around and saw that his dad had already guided his boat to the beach and he and Gita were out and on the shore. They had a bit of a walk to get to the truck, and it wouldn’t be easy to carry their kayak, but they were safe.
There was no time for Trevor and Grace to cut the whole way across the lake to where their vehicle was parked.
“We’re going to get out right here,” he said, indicating the nearest shore.
She didn’t turn around to look, just pulled with all her might.
He guided the kayak so they hit the closest outcropping, which was close to two miles around the bay from the truck, just as the first big drops of rain started to fall.
“Perfect timing,” she said.
He jumped up, hopped out of the kayak, and pulled it onto the beach a little more, so Grace could get off without getting her feet wet, although he didn’t know why he bothered. They were going to get soaked.
“We can use the kayak as a bit of shelter from the rain, put it upside down over our heads,” Grace said as she looked around.
He had no idea of what she was looking for, but he had already figured they would use the kayak as shelter.
Although, a strong gust of wind could take it off, and they’d be left to be lashed at by the wind and rain.
Big drops started to come down faster when Grace said, “There’s two stumps about the right distance apart. We might be able to put it upside down over those.”
He looked where she was pointing, and if he were picking out perfect stumps, those wouldn’t be it. But they were better than anything else they had.
“All right.” She helped him drag the kayak to the stumps, which wasn’t far away, and indeed, they were almost the perfect distance apart.
One end of the kayak stuck out about a foot over the side of one stump, but there was plenty of room for them to sit underneath.
Their butts would get wet as the rain ran down over the ground, except Grace was pulling some kind of package out of a small kit that she had brought.
“This will keep the ground dry.”
“Hurry up. It’s not going to matter. We’ll be soaked.”
Indeed, the rain came down harder. He could hear it and see it on the lake, but the trees were sheltering them some right now.
She shook it out, and he managed to flip the kayak over. Then, she put the plastic sheet she got from her pack down, and they both ducked underneath the kayak, stepping on the plastic.
There was enough extra plastic left over that they could pick it up and hold it against the overturned side of the kayak, protecting them from the rain that came in on that side.
They were finally situated as the rain pounded around them, and he sat there for a moment before he looked at her. “That was a handy thing to bring.”
“You know how it is, in school there’s always these water safety courses, and for some reason when they mentioned this, it really wasn’t for safety, it was more for convenience, but I ended up buying one at some point.
” She lifted a shoulder and smiled. “This is the first time I’ve ever used it.
It probably won’t go back into the pack nearly as nice as it came out. ”
He laughed. “They never do.”
They were close, closer than he’d been to her in a long time. With her face just inches from his as they both sat hunched over underneath the kayak, the rain battering the plastic and making him feel like they were in a world of their own.
“About earlier,” she started .
He shook his head and brought a finger up, putting it on her lips.
He shouldn’t touch her. He wanted to keep it there.
Something flickered in her eyes, and he wondered if she was feeling something of the same, and then he knew she couldn’t be. After all, she’d rejected him. Again. Rather brutally.
“Are you ever going to let me talk about it?” she asked, speaking around his finger.
Her hand came up, and she took his hand in hers, taking it away from her lips but holding it between them. Not letting go.
He had a good mind to pull his hand away.
After all, he didn’t want to get wrapped up in her charms and her spell any more than he already was.
Not that she ever deliberately set about trapping him.
He was the one who had allowed himself to be ensnared.
He had enjoyed every moment that he spent with her and wanted more.
“I guess I don’t see that there’s anything to talk about,” he said.
His words were soft, since he was speaking mere inches from her face. He could see the little puffs of air moving her bangs, the ones that were not plastered to her forehead.
“Then maybe we shouldn’t talk,” she said, and he wasn’t sure exactly what she meant, until she started to lean forward, her free hand coming up and sliding around the nape of his neck, tugging gently.
He should resist her. Should rip away, but there really wasn’t room, not to mention, he didn’t want to. He wanted to just let her pull him forward, even though he knew this was going to make everything worse.
He’d kissed her plenty of times in high school back when they dated, but that had been more than a decade ago, and he wanted to kiss her now. To see if the memories he had were as good as the real thing.
Then, as her lips touched his, he stopped thinking about anything but kissing her, although he realized that his memories paled in comparison to the real thing.
It was a soft kiss, gentle, and full of more questions than answers, and that’s how he felt when he lifted his head, searching her eyes, his hands coming up and touching her cheeks, rubbing against the soft skin there.
Why had she kissed him? Why had he allowed her to?
That was an even better question. She’d already hurt him, quite badly.
Devastatingly bad, really. That was years ago, of course, but now, just today, she hurt him again.
How many rejections was he supposed to take?
And yet, he allowed her to kiss him, knowing she didn’t really want him.
Still, he couldn’t seem to resist.
In fact, as he sat there, looking into her eyes, trying to find the answers to all the questions in his mind, all he could think about was that he wanted to kiss her again. To lower his head, to pull her closer, to never let her go.
“Why?” He wasn’t supposed to care. That wasn’t a question he was supposed to ask. He was just supposed to take whatever she gave, be happy with it. But he didn’t want whatever she gave, it wasn’t enough. He wanted more. He wanted everything.
“Why what?” she asked, a little confused judging by the dip of her brows and the pursing of her lips.
How could she even wonder what he was asking why for? Why did she kiss him? Why had she rejected him earlier if she wanted to kiss now? She wasn’t the kind of girl who went around kissing random men. At least, she hadn’t used to be that kind of girl.
And even as he thought back, he knew she hadn’t changed that much.
Yes, she was different from when she was in high school.
More mature, more vulnerable, more determined to accept life the way it came and to thank God for everything He gave her.
He’d found that out about her, and it had only made him love her more.
He couldn’t think of words to answer her question. How was he supposed to say, why did you kiss me? Why did you reject me earlier? Those questions made him too vulnerable, and he’d already been hurt enough.
Just as quickly as the rain had started, it was over, and he could even see a splash of sunlight trying to creep in under the kayak.
“It’s over,” he said, shifting to his knees, having to lean closer to her before he could lean away, lifting the kayak with his shoulder, and grabbing a hold of both sides so he could flip it. It landed bottom down on the ground.
“Trevor,” she said, her word a question, a demand, but he ignored it. He just didn’t think he could take any more. Although, all of him wanted to try .
“Our parents are waiting for us in the truck. Depending on how wet they got, they’re going to want to go home so they can change out of their wet clothes. It won’t be good for your mother to be sitting around wet.”
They could turn the truck on and turn the heater on and be just fine, but he didn’t want to sit here with her any longer.
Yeah, he wanted to run away. To get away from her.
To protect himself and his tender, delicate feelings.
The ones that had been trampled by her back in high school and again now.
Why couldn’t he love someone who would love him back?