Chapter Twenty-Six
Nova
“Dad says that to live with regrets is to not live at all. But I can’t stop regretting ever getting magic.”
Stars, the sunlight burned.
My head throbbed, an odd weight on my stomach startling me as I became more aware.
Opening my eyes fully, I looked down, seeing that it was a pale, large arm wrapped in shadow marks holding me down.
The sight brought memories from the previous night to the front of my mind, the images swirling in a rapid, tornado-like circle.
Oh no.
To my right, Azazel lay sprawled out on his stomach, his arm on top of me and his naked body uncovered. Had he always had such a perfect, round ass? Or was that new?
Focus, Nova.
Okay, so we kissed. That wasn’t too bad.
Well, and he’d…
Cheeks burning, my head turned fully, eyes locking on his face as if I couldn’t help myself.
In his sleep, he smiled ever so slightly, looking soft and content rather than hard and cold.
His nearly silver hair was a perfect mess, his back littered in various shadow marks.
All over his exposed body were corded muscles, looking like ropes beneath his skin.
His feet hung off the end of the bed, his body consuming half of the mattress.
He hadn’t put his rings back on, so his fingers were bare for the first time, looking longer without them.
I know they’re long, because he touched my fucking cervix.
Groaning, I shot up, pulling one of the quilts higher to hide my breasts. Stars above, he’d sucked on them.
“What happened? Who’s there?” Azazel shouted, immediately going on alert. He pushed himself up onto his hands, moving over my body so his back was to me and his arm flew behind him to wrap around me protectively.
I should hate that he did that.
I didn’t.
Head still flying in every direction, he pulled me into him, a sigh nearly slipping out of my mouth.
He was warm, his heartbeat a loud, soothing drum that forced mine to match it in pace.
And I couldn’t ever admit it. Because having any sort of fling with Azazel Altair of all people was not possible.
I felt wrong for even kissing him, let alone letting him practically swallow my whole damn cunt.
Azazel turned, his face pinched and his lips parted. He has nice lips. “Nova, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it your head?”
I startled as his hand cupped my face, one of his fingers rubbing soothing circles against my temple. Sighing, I pushed him away, tugging more of the quilt towards me as I scooted to the wall. He watched my movements, his brows knitting together.
Stars, he was so naked.
“Nova?”
“We need to talk about last night,” I breathed, trying to convince my brain to work right.
To go back to thinking as I did before his lips touched mine.
Because something monumental had occurred during that kiss.
Something I was terrified I couldn’t undo.
A brand on my heart that would scar forever.
“Okay,” he said, voice low and raspy. Was that how he sounded every morning? How had I never noticed? It was…sexy.
No. Stop. Bad Nova!
“Listen, I know that we—”
“If this is about me cumming, I promise that isn’t normal. I can do better. If you give me one more try, I can pleasure you all night. Fuck, all day. All I need is a chance to prove it.”
Universe spare me, he was wanting to do it again? To go even further?
“No, Az, hold on. I don’t care that you finished early. That was probably for the best, honestly.” Why were my hands moving so much as I talked? What was wrong with me? I tucked them under my armpits, trying to breathe.
Looking confused, Azazel scooted closer. Did he realize his cock was literally bouncing around? Was he aware that I kept accidentally looking at it? Had he noticed the way my eyes traced the shadow marks on it?
Pinching my eyes closed, I sucked in a deep breath and said, “This can’t happen again.”
Silence. Wherever Death was, even she didn’t make a sound. It was like time stood still. When I opened my eyes, it was to the sight of the Azazel Altair looking as if he might cry. His eyes were glassy, lips pouted and turned down, and cheeks beginning to blaze a violent red.
Slowly, as if unsure if it was the right thing to do, he scooted away from me, pulling one of the thin sheets over his naked lower half. “I’m confused. What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I just…this can’t happen. We can be friends. Maybe we already were and hadn’t realized it. That’s more than okay. I want it. But we can’t be more. It isn’t fair to either of us.”
Did he understand? Could he see all the pain his people had caused mine? Would it make sense to him that our ancestors for millennia had made us impossible?
Forgiving him was one thing, but in my selfishness I had allowed a line to be crossed. One that existed to maintain the wellbeing and dignity of eadi and of eadi everywhere. I’d crossed it once with Talon, and my family died. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—do it again.
“But I’ve changed. I’m not the same as I was. Yes, I know I don’t deserve you, but I can spend the rest of my life earning you.”
“Please, don’t make this harder. It was a mistake we made from the high of surviving and the fog of starshine.” I was struggling to keep up the calm face, his desperation making my heart ache. “Can’t we just forget it happened?”
Determined, he dropped the sheet and got to his knees, grabbing my face with his hands.
“Nova, I can make you happy. I’ll fight for you.
For us. For Dajahim. Screw the rebellion, you and I can fix this world.
The stars said so. I’ll do anything for you.
Just don’t ask me to forget the best night of my life.
Don’t call us a mistake. Don’t ask me to let you go. ”
Why was it so hard to tell him no? Why didn’t he just let it go? It’s not like we were married and I was up and leaving him. It was barely more than a kiss. He couldn’t care that much about getting laid.
“This isn’t going any further.” I was direct, demanding, unflinching.
And I felt the moment that registered to him.
His hands fell, his face going stony, the cold heir returning.
“But we’re allies. We’re friends. You’re not wrong, we can change this world.
And I’m…I’m so grateful to have you at my side. Let’s just go back to how things were.”
Shaking his head, he pushed off the bed, standing and heading for the bathroom. “I’m going for a run.”
“I’ll go with you!”
“No.”
“But—“
“No!” I jumped at his tone, startled into silence.
He stilled, pressing his hands against the door. Back rippling with tension as he flexed, he looked more like the gods in books than a real person. He could have anyone. Why did he insist on me? Why couldn’t we go back?
“I need to be alone.” With that, he opened the bathroom door, closing it behind him with the sound of the lock clicking in place echoing in the silence.
Of all things that I thought would get in the way of us working together, it had never crossed my mind that it’d be something as trivial as oral.
Groaning, I let my face fall into my palms, trying to come up with any possible way to salvage this. Clearly desperate, I turned to the nosy menaces in my head. They hadn’t spoken since the ball, but I knew they were there, listening. Always listening.
What do you all think I should do?
“Don’t speak to us.”
Excuse me?
“We’re mad at you!”
Why are you yelling? What did I do to you?
“Your ridiculous insistence to push away Azazel Altair has ruined our fun. Do not speak to us until your mind is working again!”
I felt more than heard their exit, my mind suddenly lighter and free of whispers or laughter. Had they taken their essence entirely?
Now utterly alone in my misery and stress, I got out of the bed, rushing to grab one of Azazel’s large cotton shirts from the small dresser to the left of his bathroom door.
I tugged on the first one I saw, black and plain, before moving to my bag and grabbing a pair of my undergarments.
The long-sleeved shirt almost reached my knees, this one bigger than his thin ones.
So I decided not to risk sorting through either of our clothes to find comfortable pants and settled on just that.
Padding over to the ice box after, I pulled out the fish that Altair had prepped for Death the day before, smiling despite myself. She came dashing over from under the sofa, her meows loud as she twirled around my ankles.
“Have some patience.” Maybe I needed that too. Maybe he just needed time.
By the time he exited the bathroom, I’d already cleaned out Death’s litter, fed her, and gotten started on breakfast. Trying to appeal to his taste buds, I’d added the raspberries he liked into the pancakes, making them as large as the black top would allow.
The door creaked open slowly, Azazel’s steps almost silent. Nervous, I just continued cooking, hoping he’d suddenly change his mind and be more reasonable. Instead, I heard only the front door closing, silence following in its wake.
***
In one of the books Azazel had brought me called Will and Magic, I’d discovered an entire chapter on alghazi. So, while the damn snake went on a run that was apparently twice as long as it normally was, I read and practiced.
According to the text, will was actually only half the battle.
The reason so many shaytan struggled with more complex magic was because they didn’t understand the process of said magic.
It reminded me of when I was attempting to split Azazel’s blood in my lab back home.
I had to know every step of splitting the blood, or else it wouldn’t have worked.