Chapter Forty-Seven
Nova
“Dad always says that lying is unforgivable.”
For the first time in months, I woke up feeling…okay. Maybe more than okay. I woke up feeling relieved. At peace.
I knew it was because he was gone. Talon, who stole my family from me, was dead. That alone was gratifying. But to know that he had been forced to hear me say I’d never forgive him? That he’d never be redeemed in my eyes? That was pure bliss.
I was greedy like that.
Celeste would have loved what I said. She’d always been good at holding grudges and getting revenge. When we were young, she’d defend me so well that people would fear speaking poorly of me. I was glad to at least have the chance to do so for her, even if it was too late.
When my eyes fluttered open, it was to the sight of Azazel, his stars-painted hair still coated in blood, his normally vibrant eyes dull and bloodshot. Tears stained his cheeks, cleaning a path down his skin that was otherwise stroked with dirt and blood.
“Az?” I asked, my voice a stained croak that burned the entire way down. “Where are we?”
“Our cottage. You’re okay. We’re all safe.”
All?
Stars, did he save Talon?
Sitting up, I grimaced as my body protested, the pain stronger now that adrenaline no longer fueled me. Or maybe it was the lack of revenge pushing me forward.
Az’s large, ring-clad fingers wrapped around the back of my neck, pulling me closer until our foreheads kissed. “Thank you for saving me, Little Void.”
Sighing, I leaned forward and let the tip of my nose graze his.
I breathed in his scent, though the reek of blood tainted it.
Inhaling deeply, I dared to turn towards the rest of the cottage, seeing the other three cores huddled around the sofa, where Talon lay.
His eyes were closed, his hands folded neatly across his chest, the gaping wound below now gone. I stared and stared and stared at him.
Not breathing. Definitely dead.
Despite the many months we’d spent together and how much I’d once cared for him, I felt no sorrow at the sight of his lifeless body. Unlike the cores around him, I continued to revel in his absence.
“Sorry for forcing you awake. I just thought…well, I selfishly want you with me while we bury Talon.” For all Az’s strength and confidence, his voice wavered as he spoke—breaking and cracking with each word.
“I’m here,” I whispered, lacing my fingers behind his neck and pulling him in until our cheeks grazed. He laid his chin on my shoulder, his body shaking and cold. “I’ll always be here.”
We moved at a slow pace from there. Az helped me up, practically lifting me off the bed, Zura standing nearby ready to catch me. They were all bruised and bloody, but no one seemed to care. So unusual for the group of cores who valued their image more than most things.
I watched with detached disinterest as Priya, Quinn, and Cal lifted Talon’s body. It was odd, how stiff he was starting to become, his body not bending and flexing like one might imagine. Was that normal?
“Desi said a group of rebels patrolling the wards found you collapsed in the grass,” Az mumbled as Zura opened the door for the others.
I didn’t respond. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I knew Az well enough to guess he was about to say something damning.
“She said you were probably trying your best to get help.”
Grinding my teeth, I continued to stare ahead, unsure how to move forward.
I’d known, even in that alleyway, that Az would hate me for not saving his best friend.
No matter what Talon had done, they all still loved him, because that was their brother.
My choice to save him for a final goodbye only to damn him after might have been even worse. So did I admit it now, or did I lie?
As if he could sense my irresolution, Azazel gripped the back of my blood-soaked cloak and tugged me into his chest, preventing me from leaving the cottage with everyone else.
“Nova,” he said, grabbing my face and forcing me to make eye contact with him.
That only added to the guilt. I’d done something awful to him.
Taken away his Celeste. Even worse, I didn’t regret it.
“You don’t have to lie to me, you know. I’m not stupid.
You were never going to let Talon live. You’ve been talking about killing him since you appeared at my door. ”
“You…” Words evaded me, the silence between us a living, breathing thing. A beast that ate at my chest, exposing my barely-beating heart as it shattered. He knew.
“I know what you did, Nova.”
Tears freely flowed down my cheeks, my eyes burning just as much as my throat now. Maybe all of this had been a dream. Perhaps I was burning in that damn cathedral and everything after had been one last gift. A chance to love and be loved again.
I bit my tongue as hard as my mind would allow, feeling the ache and knowing I was truly here, about to lose the last person I loved in this world.
“Do you hate me?” I asked, knowing the answer. He did. Of course he did.
He slid his hands down to my neck, gently stroking what I imagined were bruises as he stared at me. Would this be goodbye, even after he said he woke me up so I could be there for him? Had he waited for my confirmation before deciding he was done with me?
“I could never hate you, Little Void,” he whispered, practically yanking my head towards his before pressing his lips to mine.
Shock zinged through my body, lighting every one of my nerves on fire, waves of flames burning me from head to toes. Az was kissing me. He knew I purposefully let his best friend die, and now he was kissing me. Was he okay? Had he gone insane?
“Az,” I said, separating our lips, the cold air that invaded my mouth leaving me feeling empty. “How are you not furious?”
His fingers slid down to my braids, toying with them as he let his gaze fall to our feet. “I write to your mother sometimes.”
“My…what?” Blinking, I tried to make his words connect. To understand what sounded like a jumbled mess in my ears.
“Your mother. I like to write to her.” My mouth fluttered opened and closed, words escaping me.
How had we gone from Talon to this? “I know she’ll never answer, I’m not crazy.
But it’s nice to write to her, even knowing the words will only ever exist within me.
Reading her letters had made me feel like maybe I was worthy of being something more than what my father told me I had to be. ”
Mama had always been that way. A soothing, grounding presence. Someone who crafted comfort and ease from the air around them. She was a beacon of light in darkness. A soul so precious that the world was darker without her in it.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that your family deserved better than being taken that way.
If I were you, I’d never forgive Talon either.
The only reason any of us can is because, well, he is—was—our family.
We really only have each other, and it’s hard to lose one of us, even if that person did bad things.
In the end, haven’t we all done things we regret?
Committed atrocities we’re ashamed of? And what he’d done, we consider it unforgivable in many ways, because he’d taken one of us.
Maybe we just missed who he was and knew he was still in there, even if deep down.
But you are different. What he took from you, that can’t be replaced.
I don’t blame you. How could I? You did more than I could have asked for by bringing him back and letting me say goodbye. ”
“But aren’t you upset that he’s gone?” I asked, unwilling to accept that he was kind enough to just let me off the hook for this monumental, life-altering choice.
Grimacing, he looked up at me again, tears beading in his pale bottom lashes.
“Of course I am. I’ll miss him and Dove every day for the rest of my life.
But that isn’t your fault, Nova. Maybe I’d have blamed you a year ago.
Stars, maybe even six months ago. Now, though?
All I can do is understand. I’d never forgive anyone who took you from me. You’re my family now too.”
Gasping for air, all I could do was nod and leap forward, wrapping my arms around his neck to stabilize me as I nestled my face into his chest. Every inch of my body ached, and I imagined his did too, but I couldn’t stop myself.
He didn’t seem to mind as he laced his arms behind my back, repeatedly kissing the top of my head.
I had to smell and look foul, but he apparently didn’t care as he pulled my hair and forced my head back, placing long, closed-mouth kisses to my lips.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you more.”
Though I didn’t want to, I did pull away, trying to wipe my tears and control my breathing.
We needed to bury Talon. Maybe I didn’t care that he was dead, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be there for Az.
For all of them, really. Priya didn’t like me much, but she was Az’s family, which meant she was mine now too.
Just as Quinn and Caleb were. Zura and Desi too.
We’d all begun to merge, our lives tangled in a war we never asked for but fought in all the same. We needed each other.
That realization rocked me to my core.
“Let’s go. The others will need our help,” I said, choking slightly on the words as I tried to force a smile, tugging him out the door. All the while, I pictured losing more of my family.
We arrived just as the others had found a place down near the base of the large hill where the snow wasn’t too deep.
They’d begun clearing it with their bare hands, each of them shaking from the cold, which froze their tears to their cheeks.
Behind Quinn, Talon’s body lay in the snow, his head turned up to the sky and his arms crossed over his chest
Az and I immediately fell to our knees, shoveling the snow with our hands alongside Zura and the other cores. When we reached the frozen dirt and remnants of grass below, we got to work digging.