Chapter Twenty-One #2
I am angry at myself for what I just did.
I am angry at the situation that I am in.
I am angry at the king for not letting me die that night.
And I am angry at Draven for making me feel like I could love him if I only let myself.
I have drowned myself so deep within my self-pity and I am hurting. I hurt so badly that I do not know how to come up from the water for air.
I do not even know if I would let myself.
Hurting is something I have been doing for so long that I do not know if I would understand how not to hurt. Unknowing if I would let myself become happy again or if I would stay forever in a place where I have found some form of comfort.
Because at this point, my comfort is my hurt, and how scary is the idea of change.
I blow out a deep breath. The image of how pained Draven looked keeps flashing in my head as more tears fall.
I have always known how to use my words as weapons. They are the sharpest form of protection that I carry. I can cut deep with the ones that I know will hurt someone the most, knowing that I can hurt them before they can ever hurt me. All it takes is a few simple words from my mouth.
Ones that I do not even mean.
I stand up from the bed, the urge to get this dress off is unbearable. Reaching my hand back, I grab the zipper and pull down. It does not budge. I cry even more.
After several failed attempts, I manage to pull the zipper down just enough for me to squeeze out of the dress. I hear the fabric tear as I do. I ball it up and throw it into the corner, not wanting to ever look at it again.
Left in nothing else but my slip, I climb into bed and pull the covers up over my head. In my own world, where I am safe again.
I toss and turn, but sleep does not come. Thoughts of Draven and our conversation replay through my head on a constant loop. Everything I said wrong, echoing in my head.
And how wrong I was, indeed.
? ? ?
I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Tears have been pouring out of my eyes for hours now. Before coming to this place, I have never cried this much in my entire life.
The emotional release is almost relieving.
I scoff and slam my hands down on the bed. I glance at the clock and see that it is six in the morning. I did not even sleep one minute. Time passed by too quickly as my thoughts did the same.
I sit up in bed and look around the room. Everything in it feels empty and wrong. I do not like this room anymore, because it is not his.
I miss the soft green and brown colors of his room and the leather and vanilla scent his sheets hold that send me to sleep peacefully. I miss looking over and seeing him spread out on the couch, deep within his own sleep. Knowing that he is near and that no matter what happens, he always will be.
Until now.
I am trying to hurt the person that means the most to me.
Probably because him and I were not supposed to happen. He ruined my own self-destruction that I had planned.
What if, what was supposed to happen, does not matter to me anymore. What if the change is good this time. Because how we are right now, is not how we are meant to be.
I have to get to him before he leaves for Faeria.
I jump out of bed and rush into the bathroom to quickly relieve myself, brush my teeth, and throw my hair up into a ponytail. I grab the first white linen dress I see and throw it over my slip, not even checking to see what it looks like.
I yank the bedroom door open and step out into the hall. The motion so sudden, I startle the guard out of the sleep he is in.
Some guard he is.
Not even bothering to speak, I take off down the hallway. The cold stone bites at the soles of my feet and I look down, realizing that I forgot to put shoes on.
I walk the halls in a way that is swift, but calm. I do not want to startle anyone else. Although, someone will certainly be startled if they look down and see that I am shoeless.
Once I get up the spiral staircase and into Draven’s wing, I take off running.
I reach the doorway and pound my fist up against it, chest heaving up and down as I try and catch my breath.
A few seconds pass, no answer.
I continue to pound my fist against the door, but he still does not answer. Screw it.
I reach down and turn the handle, pushing the door open. My eyes widen at what I have just done. I take a calming breath and step into the room. All of the candles and lights are out.
I cut the nearest lamp on and frantically look around the room for the chance that he is still sleeping.
The room is empty.
I run to the bathroom, ripping the door open and not even caring about the state he might be in behind it. It is empty as well. My eyes move to the hook next to the door and I see that his cloak and riding boots are both gone.
I am too late.
I run out of his room quickly and the door slams shut behind me. A door down the hallway cracks open and I see Ludwig poke his round, little head out.
“The prince has left, my lady,” he says sleepily.
I run past him, not even sparing a glance his way. “I am aware, Ludwig, thank you.”
I continue down the staircase to the lower level of the castle, unsure of where I am even going. Maybe he just left and I can catch him out front before he gets too far.
The thought of me sprinting across a field barefoot to apologize to someone makes me not even recognize myself.
When I get to the bottom of the staircase, my pace quickens. I look over my shoulder and see one of my guards on the last stair, bent forward with his hands on his knees. He shakes his head as he stands up and continues to follow me.
A messenger elf turns the corner down the hall and starts to walk my way. He looks as if he is trying to get my attention, but I do not have time for him.
“My lady, I was just coming to your chambers. I have a message for you from King Vesper,” he says, waving his hand in the air.
I stop moving. “I do not have time for the king’s messages right now,” I say sharply.
The elf jerks his head back at my tone. His eyes look me up, then down, stopping at my bare feet.
“My lady, are you well?” he leans in and whispers.
“No. No, I am not well at all. Thank you for asking. Please tell me you know whether or not the prince has just left or it has been some time since?”
His bushy brows draw together. “He has not left yet. They are meeting in the advisory room before they depart.” He looks down at his watch. “Well now, they are departing now.”
A breath of relief leaves me, but it could also be the fact that I have been moving frantically around the entire castle.
“And where is the advisory room?” I ask, leaning forward for the answer.
The elf takes a step back, his eyes flashing momentarily with fear.
“It is down the hall. You take your first right then left. It is located in the hallway near the front doors of the castle.”
I nod my head and take off down the hall again. My guard is hot on my heels once more.
“My lady, I still have a message for you,” the elf yells at me as I reach the end of the hall.
I ignore him and continue forward. To hell with the king and his messages.
A few minutes pass and I forget the directions the elf told me. As a matter of fact, I do not even think I was listening to him. I silently curse to myself and continue moving.
The entryway of the castle comes into view. I stand there, turning around in a circle. I know I remember the elf saying that the advisory room was near the entrance. Which direction would that be?
Just as I am about to give up and turn around to ask my horrible guard, I hear a door open. Voices start to float down the hall in front of me.
I listen closely and hear Draven’s voice in the mix. All of the other voices slowly fade out. I pinch the side of my dress, pulling it up off my feet as I start off quickly down the hall once again.
I turn the corner and immediately see him walking toward me. He is speaking with a person who I assume is one of his advisors. It looks like they are deep in an intense conversation. There are multiple guards behind them, carrying bags and trunks of clothes.
My heart drops. How long is he planning on staying?
In a panic, I pick up my pace, moving closer so he will see me. I do not care who else is around at this point. The knot in my stomach slowly starts to unravel as he gets closer.
He continues walking toward me, still deep in conversation. I stop in the middle of the hallway in attempts to finally get his attention.
As he walks past me, he does not even lift his gaze.
It is like I am not even there. I would assume I am nothing more than a ghost if it weren’t for the faint graze of his pinky finger up against mine as he passes.
I look down and stare as our fingers brush against one another. If he felt it, he does not show it.
I stand in place as I stare at the back of his head, internally begging him to just turn around. I swear I see his head turn a fraction of an inch to the left. He abruptly stops and straightens it once more.
I open my mouth to call his name, but nothing comes out. There is a vice like feeling around my throat preventing any words from coming out. The knot in my stomach begins to tangle up again.
He walked past me like I did not even exist to him. I know he saw me. I was in the middle of the hallway and our fingers touched. He must have felt the electricity that accompanies the contact of our skin.
It is a recognizable feeling that cannot be ignored. But he did.
He ignored me completely, looking passive and bored. Looking nothing like the person I know.
I walk to the end of the hall as he walks out of the front door.
I do not follow him.
Devastation weighs me down so heavily, that my feet are unable to move. I stare at the door as the last person walks out and it closes behind them.
My guard clears his throat, pulling me out of my trance. “My lady, we must go get you some shoes. People are up and walking around the castle now.”
I look down at my bare feet against the stone floor. Blood stains the stone where it cut open the bottoms of my feet.
Bloody, bare feet.
A sight I have seen before, but only in my nightmares.