Chapter Five. #3
But before I get the chance to go again, I’m snapped out of my reverie by the front door shutting downstairs. I’ve never been disappointed to have them home but all I wanted now was to be alone with myself, my thoughts, my body, and the biker on Xypher.
“Charlotte!” Dad calls up the stairs. “We brought dinner. Come and get it!”
Upon hearing my father’s voice, another unexpected emotion hits me. Shame. Guilt.
A pit opens in my stomach. If my parents ever find out that I’ve pleasured myself, they’ll see me differently. Not that I expect to ever tell them this, but I always tell them everything. I’ve never kept anything from them.
But this… This is something I can’t share. It’ll completely shatter their impression of their innocent daughter if I do.
Was this wrong of me to explore? Should I not have done this?
Thoughts race through my mind as I frantically grab new clothes out of my dresser and gather the courage to face my parents. The mirror shows small splotchy red marks are still visible on my exposed skin, but it’s better than it was five minutes ago.
“Charlie! What’re you doing up there? The food’s getting cold!”
“Coming!” I yell down in a higher pitched voice than normal. Crap. Will they catch onto that? Will they suspect what I’ve done?
No. No way. I’m being way too paranoid right now.
The high I previously experienced fully dissipates, leaving me with only an empty feeling and burning questions.
Jogging down the stairs, I throw a fake smile on and hug them. They beam at me with their usual shining faces. Good. They don’t suspect anything. At least now I know I can keep a secret from them. Well, so far that is. I mentally facepalm myself. That cannot be a good thing.
We eat and joke around during dinner, talking about what fun things we could do during our last summer together.
But the forced smile feels unnatural, and I can already tell that this secret’s going to be hard to keep, especially from my mother.
My mother, who’s always been my best friend and confidant.
But I can’t tell her this. I can’t ruin her image of me.
They suggest we watch a movie together after dinner, but I decline, unable to fake being okay anymore. Therefore, I lied and said I was tired and just wanted to shower, finish some last minute to-do items for college and read a book.
A small flare of concern popped up on their faces, but I plastered that fake smile on once more which eased their expressions slightly.
Once in the shower, I turn the knob as cold as it can go to shock my nervous system and get rid of this edged feeling, letting the water roll off my hair and down my back.
Goosebumps cover my trembling chilled skin, but I stay, embracing the clarity coming from it, the emotional turmoil slowly falling away.
Once the shivering becomes unbearable, I grab a towel and go to my room, wrapping my hair up to keep it off my skin.
Avoiding the mirror, I pull out my favorite blue silk pajamas from my dresser and get dressed. I lay on my bed with my phone on my chest, trying to keep myself distracted from looking at my laptop.
Shame hits me in waves each time I glance at the place where I touched myself.
Rolling on my side away from my laptop, I face my bedroom wall and unlock my phone.
Oh, Ben called me.
Oohhh, Ben called me during that time. Subtle heat burns dully underneath the surface again. The thought of him calling me while I touched myself seems too close. Like he’ll know what I was doing during that time if I reach out to him now.
But that’s ridiculous. Right? He didn’t leave me a message or voicemail which is rare for him if I miss his call so I should call him back in case something happened. It’s not until after I hear the ringing on the other side of the phone that I remember how I left him in the parking lot.
Oh, God. What if he’s calling to ask about that? The other side picks up. Too late.
“Hey, you.”
“Hey. What’s up? I saw you called me.”
“Yeah. Why didn’t you answer?”
Crap, I knew he was going to ask me that. Think. Think. Think.
“Oh, sorry. I was filling out college stuff on my computer and my phone was on my bed on silent mode, so I didn’t hear it when you rang.”
“Sure, you were.” His deep chuckle playfully echoes through the phone. “So, do you wanna hang out? I feel like it’s been forever since you’ve come to the farm, and we’ve just relaxed and talked.”
“That’s because it has been. Tree wouldn’t let us hang out, remember?” I spit with an unintentional bite.
He pauses on the other end of the line, a silent tension pulling taught between us.
“Well, she’s out of the picture now, and I miss my best friend. So, how ‘bout it? My parents are still out in the field. We can play video games in my room, or we can hang out in the back pasture and star gaze on the wood pallets by the barn?”
One of my favorite pastimes with Ben has always been gazing at the stars in the field until late at night; especially in the fall when it gets cold.
He always gives me his sweater, so I stay warm too.
Then I insist that he take it back when he starts shivering and he always swears he isn’t cold even though I see the goosebumps.
Hm…That does sound nice but ugh, I’m already showered and in bed.
“That does sound great. It’s been way too long since we’ve hung out together doing our favorite things, buuuuttt, I’m already in my PJs and showered, so I don’t know if I feel like getting dressed and driving over. How much would you hate me if we hung out another night instead?”
His calm breaths resound through the line. “Are you avoiding me, Char?”
My head jerks back in surprise at the forward question. “No? Why on earth would you think that?”
Oh, probably because you ran away from him in the parking lot like a crazy person, Charlotte. Duh.
“You haven’t asked me to hang out in forever. Normally after Tree and I break up, you’re the first one to reach out and ask for a hang out like old times. Now lately you don’t even text me back half the time-”
“Because I forget!” I interrupt quickly.
“You never used to forget. Then today you completely avoided me after school. Was it because of Jared? Was I interrupting something between you two when I walked over?”
“Wha…no! What are you talking about? Jared and I are just friends. Just like you and me are. I don’t understand where this is coming from. If anyone has been acting strange lately, it’s you.
He huffs out a harsh breath over the phone.
“What, Ben? What’s the problem here?”
“Char, I…” he stops mid-sentence.
Anger bubbles underneath the surface, stemming from confusion and the constant mixed signals he’s been giving me lately. What is this? Is he playing games with me, or what?
“We are friends. I’m sorry, I’ve just been going through it lately, and I haven’t really had anyone to talk to about it.”
My anger softens. Is that pain in his voice? His parents are typically busy on the farm and they’re not the “let’s talk about our feelings” type of folks. Why didn’t he talk to Tree or call me if he needed to talk that badly prior to this conversation?
“I’m sorry that it feels like I haven’t been there for you.
That wasn’t my intention. But with you and Tree being practically back together, I figured if I asked you to hang out outside of school, you wouldn’t want to or be allowed to.
” My stomach sinks as the image of them kissing resurfaces. I freakin’ hate this.
“We’re not together,” he replies quickly.
“Bu-”
“We’re not together. We haven’t been together for a while. I told you that already,” he says fiercely, cutting me off.
“You did, but your actions say otherwise. I don’t understand it.
Like, why’d you kiss at Pop’s pizza or even bring her there on what looked like a date if you weren’t together or considering getting back together?
You said you were friends with benefits so I assumed it was just a matter of time until you got back together anyways,” I aggressively spout, trying to get the words out before he can cut me off again.
“Listen, I was being stupid. She wanted to keep dating, so I tried but I couldn’t do it anymore.
There’s a bond I can’t explain with her.
I kept holding on to it not because I wanted to but because it felt like my only choice.
” He sighs deeply. “I know I feel connected to her like this because I lost my virginity to her, but it sucks. I don’t want anything to do with her anymore, but that feeling, that bond is what keeps bringing me back to her. ”
Hearing him voice those words directly to me makes it more real, more vivid than anything has so far. The image of them tangled up in the sheets has my stomach twisting in knots. They have a closeness I’ll never be able to have with him, and that realization sucks. It really freakin’ sucks.
I can’t help the bite in my next words.
“Well, how would I know any of that? You cut me off and left me like I wasn’t important to you.
Once you had a gorgeous girl on your arm, you forgot all about me.
You never even asked how I felt about you two dating or how I was doing once you blocked me.
I was left to wonder if you even cared about me at all anymore. ”
I was standing now, death gripping the phone from the anger surging through me. How dare he make me feel bad, like he’s the one who was hurt. He didn’t care about our friendship or else he wouldn’t have just cut me off and tossed me aside for sex with a pretty girl.
What a hypocrite.
“Did you even think of how I would feel when I heard that you two had sex? I didn’t even get to hear it from you! I had to hear it in the locker room from girls who don’t know you half as well as I do.”
“I didn’t—”