Chapter Nineteen. #5
“Absolutely not,” I declare as the tears streaming down my cheeks continue down my neck.
I can’t stand this feeling of him not being here with me.
This feeling of him being in so much pain and not being able to be at his side.
It’s torture. Like a part of my soul is dying and there’s nothing I can do to help.
“Then have someone roll me in there! I don’t fucking care how you do it! Let me see him!” I’m making a scene, but I don’t care. They’re going to let me see him one way or another.
“Charlotte, listen to me,” her voice shakes as she pleads for me to hear her out.
“What!” I snap, barely paying attention to her as I try to come up with a way to get to him.
“Your father is… missing.”
“Huh? What do you mean missing?” I stop what I’m doing and look at her in confusion before glancing around the room and see that he’s not here.
Rubbing her wrists together in anxiousness, she takes a deep breath and stares at the ceiling.
“He hasn’t been seen since yesterday evening.
We were about to go to dinner when he just up and left without saying anything.
I was in the bathroom and heard the car start up but when I called him to ask him what he was doing he ignored it.
I haven’t been able to get ahold of him since nor find him anywhere.
The police are currently out searching for him. ”
“Why?” I ask not wanting to hear the answer even though deep-down my gut already knows the truth.
“Charlotte, your father is the person who hit you.”
The final dagger in the chest hits its mark, twisting and turning until it seems to puncture my lungs.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I grasp my chest, unable to get air in as a high-pitched noise fills my ears until it turns to crackles.
The room spins as my mother’s worried cries of my name become distant, the world growing ever quieter as everything goes black.
The only thing able to be seen in the dark is Ben’s beautiful brown eyes looking at me from the depths of my own mind and the only thing I can feel is the thinly mended pieces of my heart finally shattering, turning me numb and cold.
My muscles feel weighed down and groggy, like I just ran a million miles with no break and somehow survived. A heaviness pulls my breath down with it, only allowing shorter inhales and making me feel lightheaded.
“She’s not due for another dose of morphine for six hours. I’m sorry, but we can’t give her anymore,” I hear a mystery woman state.
Oh, a nurse. That’s right…
My nightmare isn’t a dream; it’s my new reality.
With glazed over eyes, I search around the room for my mother. She’s biting her thumbnail, full of nervous energy talking to someone in a police uniform.
“Mom.” I slur out trying to get her attention.
My body feels drunk, and my lips aren’t moving right. This morphine stuff sucks.
“Mom.” I try again as loud as I can even though it still sounds almost like a whisper.
This time she hears me and turns around with tears dripping steadily down her cheeks as she continues to bite her thumbnail.
“Just relax, sweetie.” She strolls over and caringly strokes my arm, but her touch does nothing except repulse me.
As much as I can, I inch my arm away from her. She takes the hint and steps back.
“Take me to Ben.” I groggily demand, finally becoming more aware as I awaken.
“Honey, no. You can see him when you’re better. You can’t move and risk injuring yourself further. I won’t allow it.”
I narrow my gaze, the skin scrunching as much as it possibly can.
Not asking for permission again, I inhale to brace my ribs as well as wrap my arm around my side for good measure and sit up.
My legs slide off the side of the bed so I’m finally sitting up.
Short huffs are the only breaths able to escape as the pain restricts my chest cavity from fully inhaling.
“Charlotte Windsor, get back in bed.”
I evilly glare at her once more and grab my IV cord. Lifting my arm up to expose the needle in my skin more, I get closer to it and pause right atop my skin.
“I’m seeing Ben, whether you allow it or not.
So, either you help me, or I’m ripping out this fucking IV cord myself and crawling to find him.
If you care about me at all, I’d like to think you wouldn’t want me risking a bleed out.
So, find me a fucking wheelchair and let’s go or else.
” Each word is painful to get out as my muscles awaken further to restrict more from the anger tensing them up, but I push through.
Her eyebrows fold inward and her bottom lip quivers. It does nothing to me. I don’t care how she feels right now. All I care about is if she’s going to help me or not.
She gives a quick nod and disappears into the hallway. Soon after she arrives back in the room with a wheelchair. Her expression’s troubled, but she doesn’t say anything. Thank God, because I can’t handle hearing her stark voice grate on my ears anymore.
“Put it right next to the bed and lift the sheet up so it acts as a hammock for me to sit into it.”
“Char-“ She stops her sentence at the hard expression on my face. My nostrils flare and I stare her down, daring her to continue what she was about to say.
Her head shakes in disapproval as she ties the blanket to the other side of my hospital bed and drapes it over the wheelchair. I scoot over onto it.
“Pull it taught.”
Once pulled tight, I unevenly glide on it and land hard into the seat of the wheelchair. A hard, sharp sting cuts through my torso from the jolt to my rib and leg. The vomit balls up in my throat but I swallow it down, refusing to let anything else delay me from getting to Ben.
“Take me to him.”
She wheels me out of the room to a few rooms over. Tears well up when she sets me in front of his door. I’m not sure if it’s from relief that I’ll get to see him or fear of seeing him in the state he’s in. She knocks softly. Hesitantly. Like if she knocks too hard the door may explode.
Joans puffy face peeks around the now ajar door.
Now I see the real reason mom didn’t want to come here.
As if I’m invisible, Joan stares her down like she’s the son of Satan.
It’s not until I attempt to lean over to see past her to catch a glimpse of Ben and wince in pain that she notices me.
Her eyes widen, mouth parting slightly, before opening the door enough to get out and closing it shut behind her.
“Charlotte.” Her voice trembles as she bends down and gingerly wraps her arms around my neck.
She kisses the top of my scalp and stands back up, now directly in front of my mother.
“I’ll take her to see Benjamin. You are not welcome to come in. I’ll bring her back to her room when she’s done visiting.”
The angry tension crackles so much between them that if it was possible to light a match right now, I’m sure the air would burst into flames.
“I swear, I didn’t have anything to do with this.” Her voice quakes but she tries to hide it.
“We’ll see about that,” Joan says as she approaches my mom. I’m unable to turn to see what’s happening behind me but I can hear their quick inhales.
Finally, I see Joan open the door enough to call Koa to hold open the door for us to go in.
His face is less puffy than hers, but no less exhausted.
His teary-eyed gaze watches me as she rolls me and my IV stand into the room.
I don’t bother looking back at my mom to see where she goes or what she’s doing.
I’m not sure if she had anything to do with this or not, but she’s tied to my father and right now that’s enough for me to want to avoid her.
Small steady beeps are the metronome that play as I finally get my first glimpse of my sweet, sweet man.
Tears cloud my vision as I poorly try to control my short, sharp inhales.
Pain racks my lungs and the muscles in my chest and face from holding back the cries and screams I want to let out from seeing his condition.
His head is wrapped to where you can only see his eyes, and his mouth has an intubation tube stuck out of it for breathing.
His left leg is casted, and his body’s encased in a metal brace for limited mobility, while the skin that is left showing on his arms is bruised black and blue with cuts all over.
Joan rolls me right up to his side so I can grab his one free hand that’s almost completely taped up.
It only allows a small part of skin-to-skin contact with his fingers, but it’s exactly what I need.
They’re chilly, like he’s been out working and cutting wood in the winter without gloves all day again.
The shakes overtake me as I lose control, crying to the point of near hyperventilation as high pitched squeals exit my trembling body.
I bring his hand to my lips and hold it there, gently kissing what skin I can touch over and over again as I try to bring any sort of comfort I can to him and myself.
Unfortunately, it does nothing to dissuade the anguish destroying my soul.
Is he going to be ok? Will he get through this? What am I going to do if he doesn’t?
A comforting touch rests on my shoulder.
“He’s going to be ok,” Koa says reassuringly. “He’s going to be ok.” His voice cracks this time at the end, but his weak promise is the only thing I can cling to. It’s the only thing keeping me out of the dark and falling into the pit of agony I’m dangling over.
A hand rests on my other shoulder.
“They said-,” Joans voice breaks in between tears.
“They said he was covered in blood but conscious when they found him. You were wrapped in his arms and all he kept saying was your name. They believe he was in shock. Once the ambulance arrived, they had to pry you out of his arms. H-He refused to let you go.” Her soft sobs continue as mine finally settle down, my jaw and teeth in pain from crying so hard.
“But how is he this bad? He was wearing his gear?” I question, unconvinced this is real.
“They believe the force of the hit and how many times he tumbled on the gravel is why his gear was so destroyed. But he would have been so much worse if he hadn’t had any on.”
I nod, still unsatisfied with her answer.
“How long will he be like this?” I whisper.
“They took him straight to surgery when he arrived to stabilize his spine and do what they could to stop the internal bleeding. We’re hoping he’ll be able to come out of the coma in a couple days.
” She sniffles and kisses me on the top of my head again.
“We’re so grateful you’re ok. So, so grateful. ”
I don’t know how they can be happy I’m ok. I carry the blood of someone who tried to destroy their family. Maybe they haven’t realized that part of the truth yet…
“Can you wheel me parallel to his bed so I can hold his hand and talk to you both at the same time?”
“Sure, honey.”
“Thanks.”
Once adjusted, I cling to his hand for strength.
“How can you not hate me? My father did this to your son. Did this to your family.” My lips tremble as I force myself to hold it together and pray they don’t kick me out of the room.
Koa squats down, resting his forearms on his thighs and pushes his neck forward.
“None of this is your fault, honey. What your father did…” He clutches his chin out of frustration and shakes his head.
“What your father did has nothing to do with you. He hit you the same time he hit our son.” He grabs my free hand and squeezes it.
“We love you like our own, Charlotte. And we know how much our son loves you. You’re a part of this family now and you’ll always be welcome here.
We will help you with whatever you need because we know you love our son as much as we do. ”
Gratitude and love push out the darkness just a tiny bit more, bringing solid ground beneath my toes.
“I do love your son. So, so much. I-I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t make it through this,” I sniffle, as tears start streaming down my face again.
“He’s going to get through this. We all are. I promise.” His father’s strength is giving me hope in a place where I’m not sure I’m allowed to have any. “We’re going to leave you alone with him for a minute while we grab us something to eat. Would you like us to request a twin-sharing room?”
“You mean, you’ll allow me to get care in the same room as him?”
“We’d like to keep an eye on you just as much as him. It’ll be easier for us to do that with you in here. Plus, we believe it’ll help with not only Ben’s recovery, but yours as well.”
“I can’t tell you how much this means to me… but I’m not sure my mother will allow it.”
“Oh, she will,” Joan says, sternly.
“Can we request the move tonight?”
“Sure, honey. We’ll go request it now and see what paperwork we need to fill out as well as what permissions we need from your mother.”
Every time she mentions my mother, her skin scrunches like she just ate sour candy.
I can resonate with her resentment. Even though my mother wasn’t in the car with my father, how do I know for sure she didn’t have anything to do with this?
She has no backbone, so who knows if she knew the plan and didn’t say anything?
At this point I don’t know how to start that conversation or if I ever want to take a chance at forgiveness even if she didn’t do anything wrong.
“Thank you,” I say, as Koa stands up and places me so I’m facing Ben again.
Then he walks out with Joan following behind him out of the room.
My voice quakes with each word but in case there’s any chance he can hear me, I speak, because I have to get this out.
“Baby, I’m so, so sorry. I-I’m so sorry. Why did you risk your life for mine? Why couldn’t you have protected yourself? I need you too much for this, baby. I need you to be okay. Promise you’ll stay here with me, Ben. Promise me.”
His fingers don’t move, and there’s no response. I shouldn’t have hoped for anything, but I had to try. A flash of anger, like lightning striking a tree makes me fist his blanket. I lay my forehead on his hand and over the IV needle that’s taped into it.
“I’m going to find my father, Ben. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I find him, but I swear I’m going to find some way to make him pay for this.”
I sit up too fast and hiss in pain. Did his finger just slightly squeeze mine?
“Ben? Can you hear me?”
There’s no response. Maybe I’m just wanting him to show me any sign he can hear me, and the desperation made me hallucinate.
“I love you, baby. I’m not leaving you, so you better not leave me. You got that? This journey is going to be hard and long, but I’ll wait for you forever. It doesn’t matter what comes next, I’m going to help you through this and I’m going to make my father pay,” I cry out softly.
And just like that… I can swear his finger twitches again as if he can hear my promises to him. I give him one more kiss on his hand and then rest my head down on the bed by his arm to fall asleep.