22. Jackson
TWENTY-TWO
Jackson
I don’t know why I answer when she calls.
But like an addict desperate for a fix, when Sweetheart flashes on the screen, I relapse. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want her to keep calling. The last thing I need is for her to interrupt my time with Blakely. Again.
Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe I wanted to see if she’d affect me the same, even when I’ve been getting so lost in someone else.
Turns out, she does.
Her voice sinks into my brain and filters down to my heart, squeezing around the bruises she caused.
“Things aren’t great , you know? But every day they’re gettin’ better,” Lee says. “I just… It’s not the same without you.”
“Hmm.” I hum my response, my dad’s dog tags cool against my skin as I slip them beneath my shirt.
Knowing that she’s doing well, that she’s strong enough to stand on her own, should be relieving. Fear of her shattering without me there to keep her glued together is what made me almost stay.
I shake my head, stomach tossing when I think of how I almost threw my dad’s dream away just to make sure she was taken care of when it’s extremely obvious I’m not needed.
Still, I’m thrilled to hear her dad is doing well in rehab. I’m happy her brother, Eli, is sticking around and that they’re healing. I’m shocked to hear she caught him fucking a woman who was not his fiancée and can’t help the laugh that bursts out of me when she says it was her best friend, Becca.
I knew Becca looked guilty when I asked her where she disappeared to.
And for just a moment, I let myself believe that the reason it doesn’t feel like razor blades splitting open my chest when she updates me on her life is because I’ve moved on.
But then she says his name. Chase. And listening to her talk about the rock that he’s been through everything plunges the knife deep, slicing the stitched-together pieces and reminding me they bleed.
Every love-infused word she says is a bitter pill coating my tongue until I can’t swallow around the taste.
Fuck Chase.
Still, I don’t speak up. I don’t tell her how it hurts every time she speaks about them together. I don’t tell her how it feels like there’s a gash gaping open between my ribs when I think about how none of Chase’s growth and healing had anything to do with me. That it’s yet another glaring reminder of how I’m good enough to be a friend but not important enough to be a priority.
And I don’t tell her about Blakely. Not about how things have changed, at least. I’m not sure I’d be telling her for the right reasons. Afraid that I’d be searching for a reaction, my pathetic heart pumping hope into my bloodstream and turning frigid in my veins when I get nothing in return.
So it’s no surprise that when I’m buzzed through the security gate at Blakely’s estate, the ache in my chest is as strong as ever. The pain reverberates like clashing cymbals in an amphitheater, rattling my bones so deep I’m not sure how I’ll make it through the night.
I’ve become a pro at pushing it down. Putting a smile on my face and pretending like Lee hasn’t ripped the fabric of my soul apart and shown me all the ways I’m only good enough for second place.
If I’m not good enough for Lee, why would I be good enough for anyone else?
Blakely skips out her front door before I can even turn off my car, my breath whooshing out at the sight of her. A twinge of something other than pain slinks into my chest, making my heart skip. It dulls the throbbing, just a bit.
She’s so beautiful.
She hops into the passenger seat, energy dancing off her skin.
“Guess what?” she breathes.
“What?” I ask, not able to help the smile that spreads across my face as I take in her flushed cheeks and the sparkle in her amber eyes.
“I snuck out!” she whisper-shouts. “Hurry and leave before Lennox realizes I’m gone.”
My brow raises. “Trying to get me in trouble, princess?”
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Just go! I don’t want him with us tonight.”
Her hand reaches over and covers mine on the gearshift, sending tingles racing up my arm.
Nodding, I follow her instructions and leave her family’s estate, then drive to a secluded beach I frequent often at night. There’s something about the calm of the sea—staring into an endless ocean as it meets a galaxy of stars that reminds me of how incredibly minuscule we are. How human.
I wonder how it’s possible to feel so small while my heartbreak feels so big.
“Are you okay?” Blakely asks as she spreads out the blanket I brought, plopping down in the sand.
I turn to her, realizing I’ve been lost in my thoughts since we arrived, Lee’s voice dragging down my memory.
“Sorry, yeah…” Before I can stop it—even though I know it’s the worst date material to bring up—my mouth vomits out the words. “I got a call before I picked you up and it messed with me a bit.” Shaking my head, I lean back on the blanket, rubbing my hands down my face. “Ugh, this is the worst thing to be talking about with you.”
A warmth covers the left side of my body as Blakely lays down, curling herself into my frame. My arm wraps around her waist, pulling her in closer until her leg is over my hip and her hand is resting on my chest. She’s a perfect fit. Like she was meant to be there all along.
“Tell me,” she says. “I want to know you. Even the parts that hurt.”
My chest cracks, emotions surging together and mixing into a volatile cocktail, bursting through my throat, making it tighten and swell.
“It’s the girl who always calls you, isn’t it?” she whispers.
My chest unravels at her question, the ache coming back full force, my eyes closing at its strength.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Nodding, my lips skim the top of Blakely’s head, the fruity smell of her shampoo comforting me. I take a deep breath, trying to suck in as much of it as possible, hoping it will purge Lee from my system.
“Yeah, she’s important to me. At one point in my life I thought she was everything.”
Blakely stiffens slightly, but I continue anyway.
“I spent most of the past decade thinking that I loved her, but she never loved me. Not really, anyway.”
Blakely scoffs and I look at her.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing, I just can’t imagine anyone not loving you.”
My heart pulls. “Yeah, well…she loved my best friend instead.”
“Oh…” She makes a face, and pressure builds behind my eyes, but then suddenly her hand is there, resting just over my heart, rising and falling with each of my stuttered breaths. “Well, I don’t know her, obviously . And I don’t know what your story is. But if this is hurting…” She taps her fingers against my chest. “I want to be the remedy.”
My stomach flips, a tsunami of emotion cascading over my body and capsizing me in their waves. The feeling is so overwhelming that I lean down and capture her mouth with mine, desperate to drown in the healing she offers.
As we lay beneath the stars, the ocean lapping at the shore, I let her kiss sweep me away.
And for the second time since being back in California, I don’t think of Lee the rest of the night.