58. Blakely
FIFTY-EIGHT
Blakely
I’ve never felt so normal.
Pulling off the highway when I see the sign for Sugarlake, I stop at the first building, which happens to be Sugarlake High.
I’m worried I’ll be recognized, and it turns out I’m right because the first people I see are two girls sitting in the front office when I walk inside.
One looks up, her jaw dropping as she nudges the other with her arm. Sighing, I paste on a smile, walking over to take selfies and chat, before asking them to please not mention to anyone that I’m here.
They swear they won’t, but I don’t have high hopes.
Glancing around and not seeing anyone else I can ask for help, I head back out to the car, calling my dad and letting him know I made it safe. Just as I’m hanging up, a woman walks toward me, her hand shielding her eyes.
“Hi. Can I help you with somethin’?” she asks.
I lock my gaze on her, taking in her curly red hair, and slip my phone into my back pocket. “Oh, hi.” Nerves buzz around my stomach like bees, my teeth sinking into my lower lip. “I’m not sure.”
“You new in town?”
Laughter bursts from my chest, because yeah, technically, she’s right. “I guess you could say that. I’m looking for someone, but now that I’m here I’m not quite sure where to look. I just stopped at the first place I saw.” I gesture to the school building. Apprehension snakes its way up my middle, gripping my throat. “He doesn’t exactly know I’m here.”
“Surprise visit?” She smiles, her green eyes sparkling.
I grimace, second-guessing my decision to hop on a plane and fly here on a whim. “Something like that.”
“Well, who ya lookin’ for? Maybe I can help. Small town and all.”
“Jackson Rhoades.” I say it fast, his name rolling off my tongue before I lose my nerve entirely.
Her eyes widen. “You’re lookin’ for Jax ?”
My chest wrings tight. “I take it you know him?”
She grins. “Even when I wish I didn’t.” Her eyes scan up and down my body. My head grows dizzy, her perusal making anxiety slam down on my lungs.
I focus on my breath and practice PMR.
One. Two. Three.
I hope she doesn’t notice that I’ve suddenly gone stiff right in front of her, but I’d rather her think I’m awkward than see me in a full-blown attack.
“How’d you say you know him again?” she questions.
My heart palpitates. Obviously, he’s never mentioned me. Not that I can blame him. “He worked for my dad out in California. I just… There are some things I need to tell him.”
Recognition hits her eyes. “You’re that girl he was always complainin’ about,” she mutters.
A tendril of amusement works its way through my nerves and a small smile lifts my face. “I was an expert at pushing his buttons.”
She throws her head back and laughs, walking right up to me and linking our arms. “Well then, I think we’ll get along just fine. Come on, now, we’re about to head to meet him for dinner. You can follow us there.”
My stomach somersaults. “Really?”
She smirks. “I’ve never told a lie. I’m Becca, by the way. And that’s Eli.” She points to the black Jeep pulling up behind my Maserati.
There’s something about her that draws me in and I find myself smiling, trusting her before I even really know her. “I’m Blakely.”
Her eyes sparkle. “Nice to meet ya. Now you just hop in that fancy car and follow us, okay? It’s a straight shot to the middle of town.”
Nodding, I walk around and sink into the driver’s seat, my hands brushing against the wheel. Up until today, it had been a long time since I’ve had to drive a car, and my gut churns, wishing my dad had picked something less flashy.
Oh well, too late now.
My stomach is tense the entire drive over, since I’m lost in my head, running through all the things I want to say. I barely see the scenery as it passes me by. But there’s a sense of calm in the air, a peace that doesn’t exist in a big city. And I get the feeling that being here for a few days could lift years of tension off my shoulders.
The Jeep parks in a driveway, and I pull next to the curb, my hands trembling as I turn off the car and get out, closing the door.
What the hell am I even doing?
My heart pounds against my ribs as I walk over to Becca and Eli, and I force a smile on my face, hoping that my nerves aren’t showing themselves too strongly.
Eli grins. “Hey there.”
I’m so nervous I could puke, so I don’t open my mouth, just lift my hand in a wave and walk behind them to the door.
“I called Jax on the way over,” Becca says.
“He knows I’m here?” A heaviness presses against my chest.
She nods. “Yep.”
The door swings open and my stomach swings with it, flying into my throat. A man with dark hair and a sharp jaw stands in the frame, his eyes glossing over Becca and Eli before landing on me.
“You gonna just stand there all day or you plannin’ on lettin’ us in?” Becca snarks.
I bite back a giggle, a little bit in awe of her fiery tongue.
The man doesn’t speak, just moves to the side and lets them push past, moving back before I can follow.
“Oh, I…” My knees tremble. “I’m here to see Jackson?” My voice rises like a question and I curse myself for sounding so unsure.
Strong, Blakely.
“Chase.” Jackson’s voice filters from the hallway and my breath sticks to my lungs.
I’ve been working really hard the past month, learning every day to manage my panic, but right now, it’s a true testament to how far I’ve come. Because even though I feel the spiral forming like a funnel cloud, I don’t give in. I just close my eyes and count to three. Practice my PMR and ride the wave until it recedes.
“Is she okay?” someone whispers.
I hear shuffling and what sounds like the closing of a door, but I keep my eyes closed until I’m sure I’m in control. And when I finally open them, my gaze clashes with forest green.
“Jackson,” I breathe.
His nostrils flare. “Are you all right?”
A small smile creeps on my lips. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
He sighs, running a hand through his hair. My stomach winds tight like a screw. He looks so good.
“What are you doing here, Blakely?”
“I came to talk to you.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “So talk.”
His demeanor is cold. Detached.
My throat is suddenly parched and I swallow, licking my lips.
Jackson’s eyes drop to where my fists are curling at my sides.
“I’m not going to lose it, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He shakes his head, his hair grazing his jaw. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“It isn’t?”
He groans, rubbing his hands over his face. “Blakely, please. Get to the point.”
My chest compresses. “Right, sorry. I uhh…” I scratch my cheek and then smile at him. “This is harder than I thought.”
“Can’t be any harder than going on camera and lying to the world.”
I flinch, his words like needles that pierce through my skin. “You’re right. You didn’t deserve that.” My throat clogs. “And that’s why I’m here, I guess. To explain.” I look at him through my lashes. “If you’re open to hearing it.”
He jerks his head in a sharp nod.
I breathe a sigh of relief. “My dad he—he saw the pictures of us and made me choose.”
His forehead creases. “Made you choose what ?”
The words tumble out of me. “He was going to fire you, and all I could think was that you’d lose everything you had worked for. All the years you’d been pouring into your dad’s dreams.” I snap my fingers. “Gone in a second. Because of me.” Regret sloshes inside of me. “So I made a deal. I’d make sure we never spoke again as long as he kept you on.”
Jackson’s gaze narrows. “That wasn’t your choice to make.”
“And I knew you’d say that.” I smile, shaking my head. “I knew if I told you, then you would choose me.”
He throws his arms to the sides. “So what was the problem, Blake?”
“I didn’t want you to hate me!” My voice rises. “Five, ten years down the line, you’d resent me for taking away the one thing you had left of him, and I couldn’t—” I gasp, emotion climbing up my esophagus and pouring out of my mouth on a sob.
“Shit.” Jackson walks closer until he’s right in front of me. “Don’t cry.”
His hands grasp my face, his thumbs wiping my tears, and even though I know it will make things hurt more when he walks away, I sink into his touch, reveling in all the ways he makes me feel.
Sniffling, I nod. “I’m so sorry.” I pause, taking in a deep breath. “I made a mistake. A terrible mistake, and if I could take it back, I would, but I—I know I can’t.”
He sighs. “It’s so easy to forget how young you are.”
My breath hiccups. “Do you think you can forgive me?”
He backs up, his fingers scratching the stubble on his chin. “I don’t know, Blake. There’s… You really hurt me. You gave up on us, and then you shut me out. You didn’t include me in choices that affected both of us.”
I nod, the slices in my heart bleeding with every beat. “I know,” I whisper.
“Where’s Sierra? She know you’re here?” His voice is sharp.
My chest burns with betrayal and I shake my head. “I fired her.”
His brows shoot to his hairline. “You did?”
“Yeah, right before I went to rehab.”
He rocks back on his heels, his eyes widening. “Rehab, huh?”
“Yep. Turns out, I’m a basket case. Who knew?” I laugh, running a hand through my hair, but it dies down quickly when I see he isn’t amused.
“Did it help?”
“The rehab?” I smile. “More than I ever thought it could. Therapy is…life-changing, to be honest. And so are the antidepressants. I still have my moments, but what’s life without a little struggle?”
He nods, the left side of his mouth rising into a small smile. “Good. That’s—I’m really happy you’re healing, princess.”
The nickname is a sucker punch to my bruised-up heart. “Look, Jackson…I don’t have any fancy words. I’m not good at speaking things and making them sound pretty. I just have my truth. The one you’ve always seen.” My eyes well with tears, the pressure in my chest feeling like it will burst at any moment. “And I couldn’t go on without you knowing that I see you too.”
His jaw clenches, and I step forward.
“I’ve made mistakes, and I’ll probably make a thousand more. But I’ll spend every day of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”
His eyes are glassy as he stares.
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to give me another chance? To give us a chance?” I ask, taking another step forward.
His eyes darken and the air charges with his answer before he even speaks. The hope drains out of my body, dissipating into the air.
My dad said to fight like hell, but sometimes, things are too damaged. Totaled.
Wrecked.
Nodding, my hand comes up to rub my chest. “Right. It was stupid to think you’d?—”
“Would you just stop making decisions for me before I even have the chance?” he interrupts.
My breath stalls in my lungs.
He moves closer. “You messed me up, okay? I haven’t been able to sleep. I haven’t been able to eat. My every waking thought is of you. And that infuriates me because I should hate you. I wanted to hate you.”
My chest caves in, despair stretching its wings, preparing to wrap around me and shroud me in its darkness.
He moves again, his shoes touching mine.
His hand cups my jaw. “But I can’t hate you. I love you too damn much.”
I gasp, my stomach flipping as his lips come down to meet mine. I don’t waste a second, jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist, my tongue swiping across his lips, desperate to taste him after going so long without.
He groans, his arms wrapping around me.
He breaks away, holding me tight against him. “We’re still not okay.”
I nod, leaning in to peck his lips.
“I’m serious, Blake. We have to communicate. I need to be able to trust you.”
I nod again. Another kiss.
“And I want you to make a video telling the world that we’re together.”
My heart soars.
“Well, glad to see I missed the fight and made it back for the party.” Lee’s voice shocks my system, heat flooding my cheeks as I hide my face in Jackson’s shoulder.
I try to slide back down but his arms lock me tighter against him, keeping me in place.
“Hi, Lee,” I mumble, peeking at her.
She smirks. “Hiya, Blake. Nice to see you again.” She walks right by us and up to the front door. “Dinner will be ready in twenty.”
My stomach clenches when she says dinner . Food is still a struggle, and some days are easier than others. But every day I try. And that’s all anyone can ever really do.
“Is that true?” I ask Jackson once she’s inside, my hands gripping behind his neck. “Am I sticking around?”
He smiles, finally letting me slip down his body until I’m pressed up against him. His hand glides down my arm and tangles our fingers together.
“That’s right, princess. I want you to stick around.”
Happiness blooms inside of me, growing like a weed and spreading through every atom.
And as I follow Jackson inside the house, being greeted by hoots and hollers, I’ve never felt so at home.