36. Really Damn Good
REALLY DAMN GOOD
A spen
I was sitting across from a woman I wasn’t sure I liked or not.
Okay, that was a lie. I loved her, truly.
The last two months had been nothing but absolute enlightenment and strength.
A huge part of which was owed to her, and my cowboy, but I was trying not to get all giddy thinking about him when what we were talking about in my therapy session was serious.
Harper was around fifty years old. She had a gorgeous chestnut brown complexion with light brown eyes that were more gold than brown.
I’d told her she looked like a goddess sent from heaven to help me screw my head on correctly.
She’d laugh and tell me that my head was fine, and she was just here to ensure I knew it.
I’d been seeing her for two months now. The first night Rowan and I had slept side by side, I’d woken up in a panic and tried to hit him in the face.
Once he’d been able to finally calm me down, I’d jumped out of bed and searched his wallet until I found Harper’s card.
I’d called and left her a voicemail at four in the morning, and she’d called back at seven sharp.
We’d been meeting twice a week ever since.
At first, we started off simple—what I thought my main issues were.
The anxiety, sleepless nights, abandonment.
The normal, I guess. I felt worse for the first couple of weeks.
Bringing up trauma with everything from my parents, Sam, and even the foster homes I hadn’t thought of in years.
But after a while, she started showing me the better parts of my life.
Reinforcing the small moments I’d buried, of when I was stronger than I thought.
When I’d persevered. Then we’d dive back into the trauma again, but each time we did this exercise, I went in feeling stronger—more powerful in my own thoughts and ways of handling situations outside of my control.
Last night, Rowan and I went out and celebrated.
What I thought would be a simple picnic, like our first date, to celebrate my almost two months of therapy and enrolling in school, ended with me getting an engagement ring.
I was officially on the road to being Mrs. Carragan, and I couldn’t be more excited.
“You’re thinking about Rowan, aren’t you?” Harper commented. She had a knowing smile on her face, and I blushed.
“How’d you know?” I asked.
“You get a faraway look in your eyes, but the happy sort. Have you started thinking about the wedding planning yet? Given any thought of reaching out to your mom?” Harper questioned.
We were clearly back in therapy mode. She was good at that.
One moment it was like talking to a friend, and then she was digging into my thoughts and feelings.
It would’ve annoyed me if she wasn’t so damn good at it.
I let out a long-winded sigh, which was more than likely a bit dramatic, as I started fidgeting with the small hole in my jeans. Rowan had told me that when Wyatt had dug into my past, he’d also found out where my mom was living, along with her other children. Apparently, I had two little brothers.
“It isn’t that I don’t want to, I just…you know, when people say ‘if they wanted to, they would’?
Well, there you go. If she wanted to be in my life, she would be.
Rowan thinks we should send her an invite and throw the ball into her court.
He thinks family is important, and she’s all I have left of any blood relation,” I said, rolling my eyes a bit at his meddling.
He meant the best, and he wanted me to be happy, I knew that.
But sometimes I thought he was so deep with his own family, that he forgot not all families were like his.
“You’re worried if she doesn’t show up, you’ll feel abandoned all over again,” Harper said gently.
I leaned back on the beige couch and stared at the ceiling for a brief moment. This happened quite a bit—me needing to collect my thoughts and come back when I felt like I wasn’t going to explode and word vomit on her.
“Maybe,” I whispered without looking down from the ceiling.
“Do you think if she doesn’t show up, it’ll somehow negate all the good you’ll be feeling that day?” she questioned. Her tone was inquiring, never in a nosy way or a way that made me feel less than, just a curious way that let me know she was just that…curious.
I sat in silence for a handful of seconds before I groaned and looked back at her.
She was sitting cross-legged in her mint-green chair.
Her flats kicked off, and her colorful pug-themed socks were on show.
She had an eclectic taste, and some days she reminded me of my soon-to-be mother-in-law.
I forced my eyes up to meet hers and forced my hands to my sides, so I’d stop fidgeting.
“Okay fine. Let’s dive into this, Doc,” I said, leaning forward with my arms on my thighs.
“Nothing could ruin this day for me. I already know it. I’m going to be marrying the man of my dreams, so I’ll be beyond stupidly happy and thrilled to walk down that aisle.
I’ll be surrounded by my new family, friends, and Ember is even catering.
Instead of cake, we’re doing a whole table of pastries from her bakery.
There is nothing that could ruin this for me. ”
Harper stared at me, her face devoid of any emotions.
She did this when she was allowing me to process feelings and situations in my own time.
I learned that one quickly as well. I even knew what she wanted.
She wanted me to admit that I was worried about feeling let down on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and part of me knew it wasn’t that far off.
“What if she doesn’t show up, Harper? Then what?
Listen to everyone be like ‘oh sorry about your mom, that sucks.’ Or worse, she does come and she’s a raging shit bag who causes a scene?
Then what? All for the slim chance that maybe she’ll be happy to see me and happy she received an invitation?
” I asked, the agitation clear in my tone.
“Do you really believe any of your new friends and family would act that way about it if she didn’t come?” Harper shot back.
I thought back over the guest list of all the incredible humans Ro and I were inviting into our space and shook my head no, confident in that decision.
“I want you to do whatever you’re comfortable with, and you don’t even have to decide now.
You have time before you’re even sending out invitations, right?
” she asked, and I nodded again. “Exactly. So while we ponder, I want you to journal about this and really dig into what you’re scared of, Aspen.
I think you may surprise yourself with what you find. ”
I smiled sadly. “I hear ya, Doc. I’ll see what I can do.”
“Good, then I’ll see you in a few days.” She stood up and gave me a gentle but quick hug before I walked out of the office.
The drive home was quick, and I walked in to find Rowan leaning against the counter, a smile on his face. It was only midday, so I was surprised to find him home right now.
“How’d it go?” he asked as he held his arms out for me. I walked over and leaned against his chest, inhaling his scent and closing my eyes for a moment. We’d been through so much over the last two months together. Growth, change, and he’d been so steadfast through the entirety of it.
“It was good, I guess. We talked about my mother again. Harper asked if I was going to invite her to the wedding, and apparently, she wants me to journal about it, try to figure out what about it is truly bothering me.” I shrugged, trying to accomplish an air of nonchalance, which just made him chuckle.
He pulled me into a tight hug, burying his face in my hair.
“Well, I think that could be a good idea. Tell ya what, you journal, and I’ll reward you per page you get done,” he whispered against the bare skin of my neck.
I pulled my head back and looked up at him, brows arched. “What is my reward?”
“An orgasm per page, little angel,” he said with a smirk.
I bit my bottom lip and nodded. “Deal.”
He smacked my butt and gave me a quick kiss.
“It’s on. I’ve got to get back to work. I just saw you were on your way back and wanted to see your beautiful face.
But I’ll be back before dinner so we can get ready together.
” I nodded and let him head back out. We were having dinner tonight with his family to celebrate the engagement.
Apparently, they’d all been in on it and helped Rowan set the entire thing up, so they’d had this dinner planned for over a month.
Over the last few months, I’d become insanely close with his mom and Payton, and his brothers and I even have some inside jokes and banter.
Most nights we spent all together. Bonfires, drinks at The Raven, dancing, or just dinner at Abby’s house.
Hudson, his nephew, was probably one of my favorites, though.
He was really into comic books right now, so we talked about art for hours sometimes.
I walked upstairs to our bedroom and picked out my clothes for dinner tonight, then changed into my painting clothes.
With Rowan gone, I figured I’d be able to get a few hours of painting done.
Walking down into my studio, I pulled out a blank canvas to get started on a new piece.
I set my phone to the side and started sketching the work I’d done on the ride up the mountain onto the canvas.
I’d been having a bit of luck selling a few paintings at different local craft fairs recently, and I’d had a couple of people start requesting commissions.
It started after I’d done a piece for Ember, and then people were eager to find the artist. I didn’t think it was what I wanted to do long term, but it was something until school started in the springtime.