5. Alina
FIVE
ALINA
FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
There’s a bonfire tonight down at the lake, an end of summer tradition. I’d rather stay home and curl up with a good book instead.
“I think I’ll just skip out on this one,” I tell Lily, spinning around in my desk chair while she ransacks my closet.
“Nope. I don’t accept that. Here, try this.” She doesn’t skip a beat, thrusting a pink silk camisole in my face.
“Lil, I literally can’t think of anything I’d rather do less than sit in front of a fire with a bunch of teenagers drunk and macking on each other.”
Lily drops a shirt to the ground, cutting me a glare. “Yeah? Well, too bad, bitch. You didn’t let me throw you a birthday party this year, this can be your apology.”
I lift the pink tank from my lap. “I thought lettin’ you dress me up like a Barbie was the apology.”
“Nope, that’s just you making good choices.” She winks and hands me a jean skirt.
Laughing, I give in, both because arguing with her is useless—she’ll always win—and also because it’s nice to have her here.
She’s been gone a lot lately. Hanging out with a new group of kids from a different town, and even when she is around, she’s…different. Today is the first time I’ve seen a hint of my Lily. After I went mother hen on her over that creep she was dating, Darryl, she pulled away, but I won’t apologize for my reaction. There’s nothing okay about a grown man having sex with a fourteen-year-old girl, I don’t care what Lily tries to spin it as.
She’s lucky I didn’t tell her brother. She swears up and down Darryl’s out of the picture, but it’s hard to keep the faith when she disappears for days at a time.
Sometimes I think I should tell Chase, or maybe my mama, but I know it will make Lily hate me, and the thought of losing her friendship entirely is worse than anything else.
Becca busts through my bedroom door, a bottle of cheap vodka in her hand I’m sure she stole from her mama’s secret stash. “All right, bitches, they don’t get me back till Sunday. Let’s tear this town up. What’re we getting’ into?”
“Convincing Lee to come to the End of Summer Bonfire.” Lily glares at me again, hands on her hips.
Becca laughs, placing the vodka on my desk and her bright red nails on my shoulder. “Lee, honey, it’s adorable you think you have a choice.”
I roll my eyes, shrugging her off me. “Who all’s gonna be there?”
Lily moves to my full-length mirror, grabbing lip gloss and smearing it on her lips. “Everyone, obviously. There’s only like twenty people in this town as it is, with nothing to do. Where else would they go?”
Becca snorts, walking to my bed and dropping onto it. “True. God, this town is lame as hell.” Her brows draw down and she looks at her side where Lily’s phone is tossed. She grabs it up and stares at the screen. “Speaking of lame, what kind of name is ‘Big D,’ Lily?”
Lily spins around. “What?”
“Someone named ‘Big D’ is tellin’ you to be a good girl, and maybe he’ll re-up your stash.” Becca looks at her. “Kinky, what kind of stash?”
My stomach drops like a lead balloon.
Lily storms across the room and rips the phone from her hand. “Jesus, Becca, mind your fucking business.”
Becca scoffs and sits up straight. “Excuse me, bitch ? What crawled up your ass and died? Seems like I should make it my business.”
My eyes volley between them.
Lily’s body is coiled tight like a snake about to snap. “Just because your dad’s the preacher of this Podunk town doesn’t mean you have the right to invade people’s lives whenever you please.”
I’m too busy processing the fact Lily has a “stash” to be too offended by her words about the town I’ve lived in my whole life, but I can tell immediately that her words hit their mark with Becca.
She pops up from the bed and stalks toward Lily. “Let me tell you a secret, you rancid little witch, I don’t need my daddy to?—”
“Lil,” I interrupt, shooting Becca a look. “What the heck is goin’ on with you? You can talk to us, you know?”
Becca scoffs again, crossing her arms.
Lily, on the other hand, ignores me completely, her fingers flying over her phone screen, breathing heavy like she just ran a marathon.
“Hello?” Becca snaps her fingers in the air. “Anyone home?”
Lily’s phone rings and she shoves it up to her ear, muttering something about needing a minute, and she’ll meet us at the bonfire.
My mouth is hanging open as I watch her leave my bedroom, and then I twirl my chair, meeting Becca’s eyes.
She raises her arms out to the side mouthing, “ What the fuck? ”
Lily doesn’t come back, and so when it’s time to head to the bonfire, it’s just Becca and me.
It’s a balmy night, and it feels like the whole of Sugarlake High is here. Even my brother made an appearance, which is unlike him. Usually, he steers clear, too busy with basketball to do normal things like get drunk on a lakeshore.
People cluster in groups along the bank, hollering and making general fools of themselves, and there are a few Adirondack chairs around the actual bonfire, which is where my booty is sitting comfortably for the duration. The smell of burning wood is strong, and I sink into the scent, loving the way it reminds me of when I was younger and we used to take our old RV up into the Smokies on the weekends.
Once Eli started becoming the next big thing in basketball, Daddy got too busy to keep doing silly things like family camping trips.
I’m nursing a warm, stale beer in a red Solo cup, pretending to listen to Ricky Walker tell me all about his daddy’s brand-new fishing store.
But my eyes are on Chase.
That ratchet girl Suzy Abbott has her breasts pressed up so tight to his side, I’m surprised she can breathe.
She leans up to whisper in his ear, her hand trailing down the front of his chest, and my stomach burns, scorching up my middle and into the back of my throat until I feel like I could spit fire.
He tips a beer bottle to his lips lackadaisically, his gaze skimming over the crowd before settling on me from across the flames.
I swear I try to tear my focus away, but I’m transfixed on the way Suzy tips her face closer to Chase’s ear, her overly glossed lips whispering something that makes him smirk. Her hand keeps moving down, until she’s palming his lap. Right in front of everyone, like it’s hers to claim.
Like he’s hers.
And through everything, his eyes never leave mine.
Suddenly, the warm beer in my stomach threatens to make a resurgence, nausea churning like a ship in a storm through my middle and coating the back of my tongue.
I’m not naive, I know Chase sleeps around. I’ve smelled the cheap perfume lingering on his clothes as he lies in my bed and tells me he’s no good.
But to see it right in front of me? It makes me sick.
Is this what I’ll have to deal with every day in school?
I turn sharply toward Ricky, looking him up and down. His blond spiky hair and dull brown eyes aren’t really my thing, but he’ll do.
Is he still talking? I cut him off. “Yeah, great. Listen. You want to get out of here?”
“Uh…yeah. Yes.” He clears his throat. “Like, now?”
“Yeah.” I spring up, letting my cup fall to the sand as I grab his hand, pulling him from his seat.
My vision swims slightly as I stand, and it’s only right this second I realize maybe I drank a bit more than I thought. I’m not wasted , but I’m buzzing, my edges dulled and my limbs just a little warm and fuzzy.
Maybe that’s why watching Chase be the biggest idiot on the face of the planet is affecting me so much. You’d think after all these years, I’d be used to his hot and cold act.
From my peripheral vision, I see him toss Suzy’s hand from his lap, his eyes tracking my every move.
Good. Serves him right.
I thought losing my virginity would feel different.
But lying here in my bed, the breeze from my open window brushing my cheeks like a soft caress, I feel the same as I have every other night. I reach down and cup myself, thinking I should be…something. Sore or I don’t know, maybe more like a woman.
Dang, that sounds stupid .
I thought it would make me more like Becca and Lily, I guess. Both of them have been with boys for a while now, and they act like having sex is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, but honestly, for me? It was nothing to write home about.
Maybe I did it wrong.
Can’t say I regret it, though. I’ve built up how my first time was going to go for months now, always trying to picture the perfect way Chase would take it from me.
What a joke.
The pressure of it living up to my expectations is gone now, at least.
“Goldi.”
Great .
Out of all the nights for Chase to show back up in my life, it had to be tonight. I close my eyes because I’m afraid it will hurt to look at him.
“Goldi,” he repeats.
His voice is closer now.
I crack my lids open and sneak a peek. He’s peering down at me, his dimples on full display, and those deep hazel eyes searing through me.
Dang. I’m a sucker for the dimples.
Sighing, I give in and open my eyes fully. “Hey, Boy Scout.”
“Where’d you disappear to tonight?” He sits back until he’s perched against my nightstand, hands shoved deep in his pockets.
“Oh, you knew I was there?” My tone is sharp, but I can’t help it. The scent of the bonfire is stuck on his clothes, and all it does is make me picture him with Suzy Abbott again.
He sucks on his bottom lip, dropping his head until a lock of his inky hair falls over his brow.
“Remember when we used to be best friends, Chase?” I murmur, my voice catching on his name.
His gaze snaps up to mine. “We still are, Goldi.”
I laugh, rolling until I’m on my back. “Well, you must be the worst one I’ve ever had.”
“Don’t say that.” His voice is rough, and he straightens, looming over me. “I warned you this would happen, fuck!”
“Quiet,” I snap. “You want to wake Eli or, worse, my daddy?”
He grimaces, reaching up to grip his hair. “I just… I’m so fucking twisted. I see you and it’s like all my shit gets thrown in the air, and I have no control over where it will land.”
I sit up now, the comforter slipping down my body until it pools in my lap. “You can’t control everything, Boy Scout. That’s not real life.”
He scoffs. “What do you know about real life, Goldi? You’re fifteen.”
“Don’t you patronize me!” My hands slap the mattress at my sides. “I know enough about life to know never takin’ a risk is never really livin’. Mama says just to make sure the juice is worth the squeeze, that’s all. I think you’re worth the squeeze.” My palm tries to rub away the ache in my chest. “I can’t breathe sometimes with how much I wish you would think the same of me.”
His knees hit the edge of my bed and he bends, calloused fingers, rough from construction, trailing down my jaw until he’s cupping my chin.
I hate the way my heart flutters at the touch.
His Adam’s apple bobs with his swallow and he gazes into my eyes, searching for…who knows what.
“Sometimes, I think I must love you, Goldi. That’s the only explanation for why my chest feels like it’s about to explode whenever you’re around.”
My lungs squeeze tight.
“But the last woman I loved more than the world? She decided I wasn’t worth it, and left me with nothing but broken pieces and a baby sister to take care of.” His thumb brushes over my bottom lip. “I ruin people’s love. I don’t want to ruin you, too.”
I reach up, wrapping my hand around his wrist to keep him anchored to me, his pulse pounding beneath my thumb. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”
The muscle in his jaw tics, and he shakes his head, dropping my chin and stepping back. “You shouldn’t have to.”
Suddenly, I can hear the wood floor of the hallway creaking from someone padding down the hall.
Chase’s eyes shoot to my closed bedroom door, and then he bolts to the window, not looking at me until he’s got one leg out, his body straddling the ledge.
He stares at me for one second.
Two.
And then he slips away into the night, the same way he always has.