21. Chase
TWENTY-ONE
CHASE
“You’re moving?”
Marissa sits across from me, her skin glowing in the candlelight. I brought her to her favorite restaurant, hoping it would soften the blow, and maybe give her less inclination to cause a scene.
“My family needs me, Mar. You know I wouldn’t leave for anything less. I know what I’ll be giving up here.”
Honestly, the thought of going back to Sugarlake makes me want to throw up every time it crosses my mind.
“And what exactly is that?” She narrows her gaze.
“My career for starters.”
Scoffing, she turns her eyes to the table, her lips pinching tight.
I’m an asshole for springing this on her, but this is exactly why I wanted to keep things casual. I don’t want to cause her any pain, but I also don’t want to feel like her emotions are my responsibility.
And so what if I’d have to give up everything I have here? It was my original plan to take over the company from Sam, anyway. Doc said we could do virtual calls, and I can make the drive down once a week for the Nar-Anon group.
Marissa, on the other hand…
“Listen, Sugarlake’s not across the country. If you still want to see each other, I’m open to that, but my days will be filled with work there, same as it is here, so don’t expect me to make a lot of extra time.”
She reaches across the table and grips my fingers tight. “I just always assumed you hated where you came from, so I’m a little shocked. You never bring it up, never let me bring it up, and now all of a sudden you’re picking up and leaving everything to go back?” She shakes her head. “I don’t get it.”
She’s not wrong; talking about Sugarlake has always been a hard limit for me. It’s none of her business, and I don’t really enjoy bringing up the past when it still feels like a knife tearing me open from the inside out. “I don’t hate it,” I argue. “There’re just memories I’d rather leave in the past, but Sam has done a lot for me, Mar. I can’t leave him hanging on this, not when he needs me.”
“What kind of memories?”
“The painful kind.” I sip my drink, needing the burn of bourbon to chase away the bitter taste of Goldi.
And Jax.
And Lily.
She peers at me from over her wineglass, taking her hand away. Her ruby-red lips part, giving me a glimpse of her blinding-white smile. “Okay, so we’ll do the long-distance thing.” She pushes her glossy black hair behind her shoulder. “Besides, it could be fun. I’ll visit on weekends.”
I clear my throat, relieved that she’s not making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. “Yeah, sure.”
“Do you still have friends there?” she asks, cocking her head.
Regret burns my throat like acid. “Not really.”
“Hmm…” She takes another sip of wine.
I follow suit, swallowing down more bourbon.
“Any high school sweethearts?”
My fingers tighten around the glass, jaw clenching so tightly, discomfort radiates up my cheek.
Even worse, the thought of Goldi makes my heart spasm, wondering if she’ll still be there.
The idea of it has my stomach in knots. I’m not naive enough to assume I could get her back. I met her at the wrong time in my life and fucked it up before I could love her the way she deserved, but even though my brain realizes it, the rest of me doesn’t, and my entire body aches with longing at the thought of being back in her orbit.
Not that it matters. I’m not the same kid I was back then. I doubt our connection would even exist with who I am now, who she may be.
“Who didn’t?” I answer.
Marissa straightens, tension evident in her posture. “Well, I didn’t.”
“I doubt she’s even still around. Haven’t thought about it much, really,” I lie.
“She?” Marissa prods. “So just one, then.”
“Yep. Just the one,” I say, shifting in my chair.
“How long were you two together?”
“What is this, twenty fucking questions?” I snap.
Marissa’s eyes widen and she deflates, leaning back in her chair.
“Jesus, Chase, I’m just curious. Forgive me for trying to get to know the man I’m with a little better.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I tug on the roots of my hair. “I just…I don’t like talking about things that don’t matter.”
She gives me a soft smile, but I see the questions in her eyes. “It’s okay, I shouldn’t have pushed. Just…can you do me a favor?”
I nod, even though I don’t know what she’s about to ask. I’d probably agree to anything right now as long as she stops talking about Goldi.
“Promise me once you move back, you won’t shut me out.”
I’m sick with the thoughts this conversation brings, so I agree.
Her grin widens and she changes the conversation, not bringing my past up for the rest of the night.
Two weeks later, and I’m already breaking that promise as I drive down Main Street in my hometown, silencing Marissa’s call.
Sugarlake is thriving , and memories of the first time I drove this way in the back seat of Sam and Anna’s Buick flash through my mind and make my chest ache. Back then, there were only five or six shops scattered along the street, but now there’s an entire strip of local businesses, kids out on the sidewalks, and people at small round tables sipping on ceramic mugs and laughing on patios.
It’s nice knowing the town flourished even when my world was falling apart.
I turn onto my old street and park in the driveway of what was once my home. I guess it technically still is, especially since I’ll be staying here until I find my own place. I sit in my car, taking it in, surrendering to the storm whirling inside me. My knee hits the bottom of the steering wheel as I bounce my leg, and my fingers tangle in my hair, both nervous habits I’ve never quite been able to break.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Exhaling a deep breath, I open my car door and step into the Sugarlake sun. The air feels different here, a soft breeze blowing over my face and keeping me cool despite the temperature. I’ve gotten so used to the hustle and bustle of the city, I had forgotten how nice it is to be surrounded by the calm of a small town.
I twirl my key ring around my finger and stare at the only childhood home I’ve ever really known. As I walk up to the front door, I can’t help myself and glance at the house three doors down. I don’t expect to see her, of course, but my heart races anyway.
Nostalgia hits me hard when I walk up to Sam and Anna’s house and see the faded yellow paint on the front door, and before I can knock, it swings open.
“Chase.” Sam has a wide smile and open arms, bringing me in for a hug. “I’ve been waiting for this day a long time.”
The emotion in his voice reaches into the space between us and makes me feel choked up. “It’s good to be back,” I say.
“We’ll give you the day to get settled, and then tomorrow we’ll hit the ground running. Sound good to you?”
“Yeah, I’m ready to work. Let’s dive right in.”
His green eyes sparkle. “Good, good.”
I follow him inside, taking note of the small changes to the décor since I was here last. The old blue couch in the living room is gone, replaced with a soft cream-colored one, and new pictures are sprinkled on the walls and along the fireplace mantle. Me graduating college. Them standing in front of the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. Jax and me grinning as we lean against his Mustang in the drive.
That one makes my chest pull tight.
Anna’s in the living room, her face beaming as she reaches out to hug me and then pulls me onto the couch with her, talking a mile a minute like she’s afraid if she doesn’t, I might turn around and leave. I indulge her, because it’s nice to be back here, and as long as she’s gabbing in my ear, I don’t have the space to think about anything else. Anything that might make me run from this place like the coward I still feel like on the inside.
When I finally make it into my childhood bedroom, everything is untouched from when I tucked tail and disappeared years ago. I’m not sure if it’s being back in this place, or just par for the course, but when I fall asleep, I dream of honey-blond hair and vanilla.
It’s the best sleep I’ve had in years.
I wake up bright and early, eager to jump into the nitty-gritty foundation of Sugarlake Construction.
Anna’s pouring a cup of coffee when I walk into the kitchen, her navy blue robe wrapped tight around her, and her strawberry-blond hair wet from a shower.
She turns when she hears me and smiles.
“Mornin’,” she singsongs, grabbing another mug from the cabinet. “Still take it black?”
“Like my soul,” I reply.
She shakes her head. “So morbid.”
I chuckle, enjoying the lightness that being around Anna always provides.
Sam wanders in a few minutes later, already dressed for the day, and he wraps an arm around Anna’s waist from behind, tugging her into his front and kissing her temple as he grabs a mug for himself.
A pang hits my sternum and radiates outward, realizing I’ll most likely never have what they do. It’s painful watching how he cherishes her and she gives it back in spades even after all these years. Watching them makes me wish I had spent less time lost in my shit, and more time modeling myself after them. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so fucked-up.
“Are you two off to the office this mornin’?” Anna asks.
Sam nods, sipping from his coffee. “Yep, time to show Chase the lay of the land.” His gaze moves to me. “A lot’s changed since you’ve worked there. We’ve expanded, do a lot of work in the neighboring towns. In fact, we just landed a new contract, and it’ll be the perfect project to get your feet wet. I know you’re a big, bad boss in the city, but we do it a little differently out here, you know? Still gotta ease you in.” He winks.
“You’ve got jokes,” I chuckle. “What’s the project?”
“A renovation to a dance studio a couple of towns over. They want the main area gutted and redone. Shouldn’t be too much of a hassle, other than the owner being a bit controlling.” He makes a face. “But you won’t need to deal with her much. One of their office managers will be working with you on the details.”
I grimace at the thought of someone who knows nothing about construction being involved in the details, but I can manage. Hopefully, they aren’t a distraction.
Journal Entry #315
It’s easier being back than I expected. Not gonna lie, part of me thought I’d be greeted with pitchforks and an angry mob. But nobody even knows I’m here. THEY probably aren’t even here anymore.
I was nervous when I stepped into Sugarlake Construction for the first time in eight years, and even though I told myself I wouldn’t, I kept looking around for Goldi’s dad, Mr. Carson, who worked here for years. But I didn’t see him. I’m surprised he would have retired but I can’t bring myself to ask Sam about him. They used to be close and he hasn’t brought him up, so neither do I.
Marissa called, already wanting to come down, and even though I feel like an absolutely asshole about it, I made an excuse. It’d be nice to have her company, and some relief by getting laid, but no matter how much I try she just isn’t Goldi, and I’m worried that having her here in Sugarlake will just make that comparison even more stark.
The past week has been filled with getting acclimated and I can’t lie—I’m impressed as hell with what Sam’s done. I see the passion and pride in everything he shows me. I hope I don’t let him down.
I start at the new job site on Monday. It’s in the preliminary stages right now, just designs and shit like that. I’m meeting the person who will be my main point of contact and I hope they aren’t a nuisance. I heard they’re new on the job as the office manager, so as long as they stay out of my way and let me do my job, things will be fine.