23. Alina
TWENTY-THREE
ALINA
It’s when I’m walking to the back office that I feel it. The shift in the air. It’s subtle—a ghost of a chill that flickers down my spine.
What the heck? I brush it off, straightening my shoulders and walking through the open door.
I don’t see him at first, but when I do, that chill drops through my body like an iceberg free-falling, freezing me in place.
This isn’t happening.
This cannot be happening.
“Alina! I was starting to wonder if you would even show up,” Regina says as she smiles thinly. She’s annoyed, and rightly so. I should respond, but I don’t. I’m not sure I physically can since my heart has stalled in my chest.
Chase Adams.
I’d love him if I didn’t hate him so much.
There’s a pencil behind his ear, a blueprint rolled up in his hand and another laid out on the desk.
But he isn’t looking at that.
He’s locked on me, mouth partially open, hand frozen halfway through his silky, dark brown hair. When he swallows, my traitorous eyes track the way his throat bobs. “Goldi.”
The nickname travels across the room and pierces me in the chest, jolting me out of my shock. “Don’t call me that.”
He clamps his mouth shut and nods.
“You two know each other?” Regina points between the two of us.
“Yeah, actually we used?—”
“Our folks are neighbors,” I interrupt, tearing my gaze away from him to focus on her instead. “We grew up together, but no. I never really knew him.”
I stand stoic, my gaze never straying from Regina, but I can feel him.
My body hums, reminding me of the first time I saw him at eleven years old, and just like then, I have to clench my fists to keep from reaching out.
Pathetic.
He clears his throat. “Right.”
Regina stands and grabs her purse . My heart ratchets up in speed, because how am I supposed to be alone with him?
She can’t leave.
But I can’t tell her to stay.
“Well, that makes things easier then, considering the two of you will be spending lots of time together,” she remarks.
Chase goes rigid. “She’s my point of contact?”
I scoff and cross my arms. Who does he think he is having a problem with me ? I’m the one who’s allowed to be pissed off here, not him.
Regina arches a perfectly sculpted brow. “Is that a problem?”
He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “No, I just—I was under the impression I’d be dealing with an office manager.”
“She is the office manager.”
He glances my way. “Not an instructor?”
I stay quiet, but the beat of my heart drowns the room with how hard it’s slamming against my chest. All of my energy goes toward keeping it together.
Just a few hours and you can go home and fall apart in private.
Regina laughs, her eyes softening when she glances at Chase. Oh, honey. Don’t waste your time. “Instructor? I don’t need any instructors, I need someone who can file papers and show up on time. After this morning, I’m not even convinced she’s capable of that.”
Embarrassment rises to my cheeks, and I bite my tongue to stop the retort that wants to come out. Instead, I say, “It won’t happen again.”
I peek over at Chase, the blueprint in his fist gripped so tight it’s crumpling.
Regina continues, “Anyway, since no introductions are needed, I’m off. You two have a lot to talk about, I’m sure. Chase, if you could just lay out for Alina what you did for me, that’d be great. I’ll check in later.” She turns toward me. “I left a list of things for you to complete before the end of the day. You’ve got my cell in case you have any questions?”
I nod.
“Great. Let’s try to be on time tomorrow, hmm?”
And with that, she’s out the door.
The room is jarring with its silence.
I keep my gaze locked on the desk, unwilling to be the first to break.
Because I was always the first to break, and I need him to see I’m not the same girl he once knew.
“Goldi, I?—”
“I told you not to call me that,” I spit out. “My name is Alina. Or, you know what’s even better? Miss Carson.” I bring my hand up to rub my pulsing forehead. “Can you just show me what you’ve got, so we can get this over with?”
“Yeah, yes. Sure.” He shuffles his feet and attempts to smooth out the wrinkles on the blueprint he smashed.
I cross my arms as I watch him. I thought he was grown in college, but clearly, God wasn’t done sculpting his masterpiece. His style hasn’t changed, still casual in a black T-shirt and dark blue jeans. But the veins that line his forearms and the way the cotton stretches around his shoulders has my mouth running dry.
Crap.
My perusal continues, and I search for an imperfection, for something to show me he’s had it just as rough as I have these past years. God wouldn’t be so unfair to give him an easy time while I’ve been struggling so hard to stay afloat.
I suck in a sharp breath when I get to his face and find his gaze already locked on me. His stare burns, and my stomach clenches, the frayed edges of the threads that have connected us since childhood pulsing with the need to come back to life. They sizzle and pop, elated at our proximity.
“You look good, Alina.” His voice is husky.
His words make me want to preen, but I catch myself—sickened by my reaction to him after all this time. After what he’s done.
“And you look like my biggest regret.” The words are out before I can stop them.
He winces, and I take pleasure in the fact my words have the ability to hurt him.
Serves him right.
He wasn’t there when I needed him most. Cheated on me while my mom was dying in the hospital. He doesn’t deserve my remorse or my kindness. He’s lucky I’m even staying in this room.
Chase sighs and leans back against the lip of the desk. “Look, I had no clue you worked here, but I don’t want to make things harder for you, so if this”—he waves his hand back and forth between us—“will be an issue, I’ll tell Sam to put someone else on the project.”
Sam?
“What?” I whoosh out. “Are…are you back home?”
His mouth lifts slightly. “Don’t sound so excited.”
“I’m not anything when it comes to you.” I shrug.
My stomach churns, and my chest pulls taut because my body knows I’m a liar. I’m afraid when it comes to Chase Adams, I’ll always be something , but I’ll be damned if I ever let him see it.
I really want to tell him that yes, I do want someone else on the project. But the last thing I need is for Regina to think I threw a tantrum, especially when I’m on thin ice.
Sighing, I drop my arms by my sides and bite my lip. “You’re already here so you might as well stay, but let’s get one thing straight. We are not friends. We are not acquaintances. We are nothin’. In fact, we’re less than nothin’. Let’s just agree to make this process as quick and painless as possible.”
He lowers his head and nods. The muscle in his jaw tics, and his fingers tighten around the edge of the desk. “Whatever you want, Go—Alina.”
I let out the breath I was holding. “Good, now show me what you’ve got.”
Somehow, I’ve made it through the day. I’m sitting at my kitchen table staring at the bottle of wine I’ve been saving for a special occasion. For this special occasion.
The celebration of my new job.
The start to the rest of my life.
Only, I don’t feel much like celebrating now.
I never in a thousand years expected Chase to come barreling into my life again, and I’m left off-kilter and nauseous from the way he’s spun me around. Even after all this time, the effect he has on me is heady, and it makes me hate myself.
It makes me hate him for coming back and tainting what was supposed to be the start of a new life with the feelings of my old one.
I tap my fingernails on the wood, eyes bouncing from the wine bottle to my phone. Jax and Becca are both expecting my call. I grab the bottle, ready to pour an ample glass, but before I get the chance to decide who to talk to first, my phone screen lights up.
The Watering Hole.
Of course. The perfect ending to a perfect day. I set the bottle back down, eyeing it longingly as I accept the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lee.”
I sigh. “Hi, Johnny. Daddy need a ride?”
“Yeah. He uhh…isn’t takin’ too kindly to being cut off. It’s not a good night.”
I bang my forehead on the table, praying I’ll wake up and this day will have been a nightmare. “Okay, I’m on my way.”
Daddy’s sitting in his usual spot at the bar when I arrive. He’s hunched around a glass of water, glaring at Johnny who’s at the other end, pouring drinks.
“Daddy.”
His head lolls over and he gazes at me through hazy eyes. “Gail?”
My heart clenches when he calls out Mama’s name.
Bad night, indeed.
“No, Daddy, it’s me. Alina.” I reach out to put my hand on his back, but he shrugs me off.
He snarls. “They’re always callin’ you out here, like a…a goddamned babysitter. Go home, I’m just fine.” His words are slurred, but years of practice have tuned my ears to understand the garble.
“You’re not fine, and you’re lucky Johnny’s boss hasn’t banned you from this place. Let’s just get you home where you can get a good night’s rest.” I reach out again, looping my arm through his to support his weight as I pull him from the stool, sadness weighing me down more than his body ever could.
He complains but doesn’t resist. I mouth “thank you” at Johnny while I walk Daddy out.
It isn’t until we’re in my car that I feel like I can breathe again.
After I get him settled at the house, I head straight to the cemetery to visit Mama. When Daddy’s at his worst, being next to her, if only in spirit, is the only balm that soothes my soul.
“Hey, Mama.”
My body’s leaning against her headstone, and I finger the wilting flowers next to me. “Sorry I didn’t bring any tulips, this wasn’t exactly a planned visit. I just needed someone to talk to, I guess.”
I lean my head back, staring at the stars. “You know what’s funny, Mama? There hasn’t been a single night in the past eight years where I’ve been able to see stars and not think of Chase. Not once. In eight freakin’ years. But then last night, I sat on my patio and counted as many stars as I could find without him ever crossin’ my mind.” I huff out a laugh. “Joke’s on me, huh?”
I don’t say anything else, just close my eyes and try to find some peace, hoping she can calm the storm swirling inside me. I kiss my palm and press it against the engraving of her name. “I love you, Mama. I won’t ask if you’ve got any pull up there…not tonight. I’ll save that for our usual visit. Give you some time to come up with a different answer.” I smile softly, even though I feel the pain of loss sneaking through the cracks of my heart.
Jax calls on the way home, complaining about that producer and his daughter again. I don’t want to make his mood worse by bringing up Chase, so I don’t.
There’s always tomorrow.