CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
My sad, shriveled sigh was lost in the rushing wind aboard Zahara’s ship as we sailed through the open seas.
For six days, I sat at my sister’s side, carefully moving her from place to place—first to the hammock in my quarters, then to the main deck, then the crow’s nest, all with Noctis’s help.
Now that I had Evelyn back, I didn’t want to go another second without her, even if she peacefully slept the days away without any hint of awakening.
“There’s so much about our life that I wish I could have made better for you,” I whispered to her, eyes looking out across the choppy waves. “I don’t think they hate us. They just don’t know how to love us.”
I had spent so much of my life forming words to justify the actions of our parents, hoping that when my sister was old enough, I could step in and fill the hole I knew Evelyn kept for our mother and father.
Nourishment, clothing, anything tangible—if Evelyn needed it, I would do whatever it took to get it, even if it meant stealing it myself.
If she needed an emotionally mature adult, I would make sure I analyzed every decision made in life so my sister would believe it to be me.
“You’ll forgive me, right?” Those words barely made purchase. “I love you.” My voice cracked, sound barely audible. “I’m so sorry.”
I had no tears left to cry, but my body still shook with sobs. My face scrunched in pain—not physical pain anymore with the help of Jun, but mental and emotional. I’d said the same words to her ever since having her back, and every time, I convinced myself that Evelyn would wake up and disown me.
There’s twenty-six seagulls along the front mast. Two of them seem to be eyeing Raven.
Noctis tried many times to pull me from the deep guilt, and it usually worked momentarily.
At least enough to collect myself. I knew he could feel my despair through our bond, because I also felt his.
His more so hid beneath the surface like the roots of a lily pad, reaching and growing yet covered with a mask.
I hope they poop on you.
A sad smile lifted my cheeks at my retort.
There’s my girl. I swallowed hard, and Noctis laughed in my mind. Can I take Evelyn somewhere more comfortable?
My sister had been laying upon the lacquered deck with me for far too long, but I wanted to be selfish with the time we missed out on.
Is Jun ready for her?
After dinner.
Jun slept his days away, replenishing his powers while the sun spanned the sky, all so he could work to heal Evelyn during the nights. It seemed backwards to me for him to do so, but he did it so I could rest, knowing there were eyes on my sister at all times.
I didn’t deserve my friends. I didn’t deserve much at all, to be honest. The blood on my hands haunted me, reminders that I wasn’t the same person I used to be.
Then again, maybe it’s okay to grow and change.
Maybe—just maybe—it made me better. The guilt tickled my spine and settled low in my stomach.
Evelyn moved, and I jumped up, searching for any sign of consciousness. My tense posture eased when I realized it was only Noctis moving her with his powers back to the hammock below deck. She hovered inches from the flooring along a sturdy breeze, and I moved to follow.
Will you have dinner with me tonight before we arrive at Yundantan Island?
But Evelyn…
Zahara and Calvin have promised to watch over her while Jun heals her. Raven knows to signal us immediately if she awakes.
He’d thought through it all.
Noctis continued. We are passing an isle I’m sure you’ll want to see. It will be good for you. Please.
Heaviness threaded through his pleading voice, and deep down, I knew he was right. I hadn’t bathed for days, my hair had accumulated oils along the roots of my tight braid, and the open sea only reminded me of the torture and trauma below the surface.
But what if Raven doesn’t—
The bird swooped before me, swiftly landing along the railing to my side and cawed, screeching loud enough to burst eardrums. His wings extended outward, flapping rampantly in my face. I smiled. My Zephyreon was one of a kind.
“See?” Noctis mused behind me. “Just because he has claimed you as his, don’t forget that he and I have decades of training, wars, and missions under our belts together.”
“Are you jealous?” I chirped back, the interaction easing my stormy mind.
“Of a bird? No. But of the cloth whose embrace you wrap yourself in? Yes.” He stepped closer. “Of the time that was stolen from us? Yes.” He came face to face with me, breath swarming between us. “Of the tears that know the soft brush of your lips every day lately? Desperately so.”
Raven took off and sliced between us, catching Noctis off guard.
“Forgive me, darling.” He cleared his throat and stepped back. My breathing hitched at his sudden absence. I needed him. Needed the distraction.
I closed the distance, my hand gently rubbing against the collar of his nearly transparent tunic. Panic settled into Noctis’s gaze, his arms stiff at his side as he looked in my eyes. I lifted onto my toes, fisting the coarse fabric around his neck in my grip and pulled him desperately to me.
But Noctis reared back.
“Love…” It flitted in the space between us in a whisper.
“Kiss me.” I demanded affection—craved it. I might just have begged if he asked.
“I’d give my soul to kiss you. Believe me. I’ve gone decades in the shadows, stripped clean of all joy… Knowing you,” he dragged his palm across my cheek, pushing the hair from my face, “has been the brightest days of my miserable existence.”
“Then why pull away?”
My heart dropped low in my stomach. My cheeks flared with heat. Could I really have been that naive?
“Because I want you to burn with desire for us. Not the desire for a distraction. I would be the worst man alive to fuel you right now knowing how much you hurt.”
I cursed our shared emotions.
“I’ll say it again. Get out of my head.”
Noctis chuckled, a dark heated laugh that slipped from his throat. Slow, low, and burning.
“But I want to be right here with you through it all. And when Evelyn wakes—which she will—I cannot wait to light the flame that smolders in your eyes when you look at me.”
“I’ll have Raven pierce out your eyes next,” I tried to joke, but it fell short in my humiliation.
“Not a chance. You love my eyes too much.”
I ignored the flirt, instead altering the course of the conversation back to the dinner plans.
“And where exactly are we going?”
“To the Mirrored Sky Festival.”
“Is it really necessary to carry me?” I asked, cradled in Noctis’s arms as we drove through the evening sky toward the distant island.
“Would you prefer to swim?”
“Well, this seems a little… romantic.”
Noctis chuckled deeply, his chest rattling my shoulder.
“Would this be better?”
He launched me into the air. For a breathless moment, I was weightless right before I began to fall, the ocean’s surface drawing closer with terrifying speed. Noctis caught me by both hands at the last instant, and I hung suspended beneath him as he carried on through the sky.
“It’s not better!” I screamed over the rushing wind, gripping tightly to his hands. If my fingernails had fully grown back by then, they would have been digging into his flesh.
“Wonderful,” Noctis yelled back. He drew me upward by both hands, lifting me out of the open air and folding me into his arms as he steadied me back against him. “Because I much prefer to hold you like this.”
I rolled my eyes, trying to mask my fear and rapidly beating heart, but he only laughed.
“Prick,” I mumbled.
Noctis flinched, the laugh falling immediately.
“What is it?” It was clear I’d hit a nerve without meaning to.
Noctis shook his head but kept his eyes trained on the approaching island.
“I brought you something to wear,” he responded, changing the subject.
“Are my clothes not good enough?”
I looked down at my off-white tunic and brown trousers. They were as clean as I could get them before we left, but it was the cleanest they’d been in weeks.
“There’s a uniform for our excursion. Or else we will not be allowed into the festival.”
My interest piqued when he mentioned the festival earlier. It was a life I’d never gotten to live in my childhood, so I wanted to relish in it as an adult. I wondered if Noctis knew that I often thought about how I was raised in rooms full of screams while the world danced around me.
We landed swiftly on the ground overlooking a bustling nighttime market.
Horse drawn carts hurried down the sandy paths, kicking up dust. Eyes immediately caught onto us—primarily Noctis’s wings that gave him away as a celestial god.
Agape mouths twisted to watch as him and I walked through the people.
Noctis’s hand rested on my lower back, gently guiding me.
He stopped at a nearby stall and picked out an array of breads, fruit, and freshly cooked meat, stowing them away in a woven basket gifted by the owner.
He chuckled and nodded in appreciation when the awestruck cashier didn’t charge him for the goods.
“For you darling.” He outstretched a separate satchel.
“My uniform?” I asked skeptically.
“It’s a symbolic piece. The festival is a yearly ritual that I believe you will quite appreciate.”
“What makes you believe I will?”
“Because it’s a ritual in my honor.” He gestured behind him to the waiting man who bore a pleased smile. “The shopkeeper said you can use his stall to change clothes.”