Beneath the Waves

21. Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

Hurt by Johnny Cash

April 14, 1912

The sun peers into my room through an opening in the curtain. The glare shines in my face, waking me from the most restful sleep I’ve had in ages. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Charlie’s arm resting around me, and I can feel his peaceful breathing against my neck.

This evening the ship will be sinking, but right now, I feel safe in his arms. And maybe, just in this moment, all my wildest dreams, hopes, and fears are a reality. I never imagined finding this kind of comfort and belonging with someone, or someone even wanting me at all. But I lay here now, feeling his chest peacefully breathe in and out, and I can’t help but believe that I was meant to find him. And though this perfect moment is fleeting and cannot possibly last forever, I want to hold on to it until the last possible second.

I roll over to face him, which stirs him awake. He opens his eyes, smiles, and kisses me. It’s a soft kiss, as though we’d be doing it every morning for the rest of our lives. He looks over my shoulder and sees the sunlight coming in and his face suddenly looks panicked.

“What time is it?” His tone is hurried as he sits up in bed, realizing he might be late for his duties.

I look over at the clock on the end table. “It’s half-past eight,” I say groggily.

“Shit!” Charlie quickly gets up and starts hastily rummaging through the tangled sheets for his pants. I quickly put on my breakfast dress. It’s a pale lilac silk dress with a lace overlay. I look over at Charlie and can't help but be amused as he scrambles trying to find his shirt. Part of me hopes he never finds it, so we can stay here, suspended in time, forever. The sight of him in my room, topless with his suspenders hanging from his waist, has me wanting to return to bed.

I see his shirt poking out from under the bed and casually toss it to him before putting on my shoes. I can hear Ben in the hallway with Eric. Their voices are moving further away, so I assume they’ve stepped out for the morning. There is movement in Ben’s room and I realize Sarah is on her way over, likely to ready me for today's agenda. I motion for Charlie to keep quiet and I rush over to the adjoining door to cut her off. I swing the door open and hold it behind me, blocking the doorway into my room.

“Good morning!” My tone is way too excited, and not at all genuine. I realize immediately this is going to tip her off. My breath is short and jagged after sprinting to the door. I attempt to smooth my hair into place with my free hand. The mixture of bed head and sex hair might be what blows my cover right now.

“Jesus, Ali. What are you doing?” Sarah appears startled by my decision to cut her off. She looks annoyed, but also confused. I move and block her as she attempts to look around me. She lets out an exasperated sigh. “Ali, what’s going on?”

I’m trying to determine if I can trust her. I realize Charlie potentially being late for his duties is only half the battle. I also have to get him out of the room unseen. A steward leaving our room isn’t really that scandalous. He could, after all, be simply performing some kind of duty for us. But I don’t want to risk Eric or Ben potentially seeing him when my bedroom, which was an oasis a short time ago, is now disheveled. I need Sarah’s help. I just have to let myself hope for her trust.

I look through the crack in the door. Charlie is fully dressed, his jacket is on but unbuttoned.

I lean forward sheepishly. “I have a boy in my room,” I whisper, as though a parent has caught me.

I immediately regret telling her. No doubt she will tell Ben. I look back at her, expecting to meet a lecture or a face full of disapproval. Instead, she’s laughing. And not just a small chuckle, but a full laugh from down in her belly.

“Good morning, Charlie!” Sarah says gleefully between laughs as she pushes the door open behind me. He looks as nervous as I am. Neither of us is sure what her play will be. I cautiously step out of the way for her to enter the room, positioning myself next to the doorway as if ready for inspection. She looks around the room at the bedsheets and pillows strewn around and smiles. “Well, I’d ask if you had a good night, but it looks like you did.” I turn every shade of red possible. I can feel the warmth flushing my cheeks.

Before I can even say anything, there’s a hard knock at the door of my cabin. I frantically look at Sarah, my eyes widening and pleading for her help. She puts her finger to her mouth and then points toward the left side of the room, motioning for us to be quiet and move into the corner so we stay unseen. Charlie moves first and I follow. I stand up against him and he wraps his arms around me as we try to make ourselves as small as possible. Sarah walks toward the door and opens it, but remains careful to block the doorway.

I can tell by the way Sarah’s body stiffens with a cold professionalism that it isn’t Eric or Ben. They would have likely entered on their own, anyway. “Good morning, sir. How can I help you?”

I hear a voice I recognize and abhor. Edward. Why is he here? “I’d like to escort Miss Alice to breakfast.”

Shit . This is it. I don’t want to go with him, but if I do, it buys Charlie enough time to get out of the room unseen. I wish I knew what Sarah was going to do. I stand in the corner at her mercy. One swing of the door and everything falls apart.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Harrison, but Miss Alice has already stepped out for the morning.” She covered for me. I can’t believe it. I hear Edward walk away. He doesn’t even acknowledge Sarah. Fucking asshole . She watches him leave the hallway and shuts the door. Still in his arms, Charlie and I breathe a collective sigh of relief. I can feel Sarah watching us, and when I look over at her, she’s smiling.

“Thank you, thank you so much.” Charlie follows and nods in her direction with silent appreciation. I’m grateful that she covered for us, even more so that she didn’t sacrifice me to a morning of Edward’s extravagant bragging. It’s hard enough in the evening, and there’s at least some alcohol at dinner. She looks surprised that I’m thanking her. Or perhaps she’s surprised that I assumed she wouldn’t help me.

“Ali, I’ve got your back.” Sarah smiles at me. I know we’ve had moments where it’s felt like the ice has thawed between us, but I suppose I never realized she was forming a friendship. I thought we were being friendly, but I wasn’t sure if that meant we were friends. I’m not used to having many friends, especially female ones, and I find myself completely at a loss with how to navigate this.

Sarah presses her ear to the door. “I don’t hear anyone. Charlie, I think this is your chance to slip out.”

He nods at her affirmatively before turning back toward me. “I’ll see you later, love.” He slides his hand around my waist and kisses me. “I promise.”

Sarah quickly opens the door and Charlie slips out into the hallway, buttoning up his jacket as he leaves. I have only a moment of relief before I hear Ben’s voice in the hallway greeting Charlie. Though it is muffled, there is obvious confusion in his voice. “Good morning, Charlie?” He has to be wondering why the steward is leaving our cabins while buttoning his jacket. He opens the door to his room and I can hear him briskly coming toward our adjoining door.

Sarah and I stare at each other with matching deer in headlights expressions. I suddenly don’t know what to do. I stand there completely frozen, partially in disbelief at the turn of events that have brought me to this moment. Sarah, clearly more quick thinking than I am, sprints to the adjoining door and blocks the doorway. It’s quite similar to the way I blocked her just moments ago.

“Ben! You’re back! I didn’t expect you back so soon.” Her voice is energetic, albeit lacking sincerity. She tries her hardest to distract him.

“I forgot my pocket watch,” he says as he pushes past her. He looks at me standing up against the wall and then looks at the unmade bed. I can see his face deducing out what he’s walked into. His tone shifts and he speaks flatly, without looking away from me. “Sarah, can you leave, please? I need to speak with Ali alone.”

She takes a step toward us, positioning herself between Ben and I, as if she’s going to battle with me.

“I think I’d like to stay.”

“I think you’d like to go.” His stare grows icy as the words narrowly escape his clenched jaw. He looks like he’s about to burst.

Sarah looks at me with empathy, her eyes searching mine for approval. As much as I would love her to stay for moral support, I want to spare her from any more involvement. I nod at her, indicating that it’s okay to go. I’m ready for whatever he has to say. I’m prepared to take it on the chin. There’s nothing he can say at this point that I don’t already know. I’m well aware of my recklessness, but I am not ashamed.

He stands silently, staring down at the floor as he waits for Sarah to leave. Once the door shuts, he shifts his attention toward me. His tone isn’t cold or irate, but serious. More serious than I’ve ever seen him before.

“Ali, what the hell are you—”

“I know what I’m doing, Ben.” I cut him off. There’s no use lecturing me. I know the risks and the consequences, and I did it anyway. I’d do it again, and truthfully, my entire body yearns to do it again.

“Come on, Ali!” Ben shakes his head furiously. His fists are clenched and whitened. “This is fucking risky.” I walk from my room into the adjoining sitting room, trying to get away from the scene of the crime.

“Aren’t you the one who told me a little risk is good for you? Didn’t you tell me to have some fun?” I try to mitigate the tension in the conversation, but even I know Charlie wasn’t just a little risk or some fun. He was and is so much more than that.

“This is not what I meant and you know it! We can’t risk anyone possibly knowing the truth. What if he found out? Did you even think of that?” Ben scolds me as he follows me into the sitting room.

I stop right in my tracks and turn to face him, he in the doorway and me across the room in front of the fireplace, just a table and chairs separating us.

“I’ve told him everything, Ben.”

“What?!” His voice roars. He’s furious, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so angry.

I shrug apologetically. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t lie to him. It didn’t feel right. He deserves better than that.”

“Do you have any idea what you have done? You’ve put our work into jeopardy! Our safety! For what? A crush?” Ben yells.

“It’s not like that. It’s not a crush. He’s more than that.”

He takes a few steps toward the table, grabbing the top of a chair to lean against. His voice shifts into grave concern. “Al, this isn’t like you.”

I can feel the tears forming. “Ben, you don’t understand. All my life I’ve felt this pressure. It’s like a weight has just been constantly pushing down on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know where it came from, or why. Maybe it’s because of my past, or maybe it’s the way I’ve chosen to cope with everything I’ve been through. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” I pause to take a breath to collect myself. “But what I do know is that when I’m with Charlie, there’s no weight, no insufferable pressure. It’s just him, and it feels like I’m finally breathing. He makes me feel like I’ve come up for fresh air.”

“Ali, this is dangerous. This was dangerous from the start, but now you’ve made it even more complicated.”

“What am I supposed to do, Ben? Let him go? Let this go?” I cry as I clutch at my chest. I can feel myself losing my breath and swirling into a panic.

“This, what? What are you talking about? What is this?”

“Ben, please—”

“Come on, Ali. You sound like you’re—”

“In love?”

He’s not even looking at me. He sighs and tilts his head, as if that isn’t even a possibility. “Ali…”

“Yes,” I cry. “I love him!” The words surprise me as they escape my lips. But I know it to be true. I love him . I think I’ve always known. I realize how ridiculous this all seems. Can you really fall in love with someone in only four days? Can you belong to someone so wholly it’s as if you were destined to find them? I know attraction and infatuation can be instantaneous, but until now, I never imagined that love could be as well. After all that has transpired since Dr. Conrad’s suspicious note, I’m not sure I know the difference between the possible and the impossible anymore. Perhaps the impossible is just a dream waiting to become possible.

Ben’s voice shifts back toward the angry tone he held earlier, though now it sounds even more furious, if that were even possible. “ Love ? What do you fucking know about love?”

“What?” My voice snarls.

“You push everyone away! You always have. You wouldn’t know love if it was right in your face.” That was a fucking low blow. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of me, and unfortunately, I know the same for him.

“Well, what about you, huh? You had love right in your hands. Someone who wanted to grow old with you and you bolted. At least I’m not running away from it.” I sound petulant and I hate it. I purposely hit Ben where it hurts, and judging from his face, it’s worked. His eyes ignite with rage.

“Yeah? Well, maybe you should! I mean Christ, Ali, he’s walking around with a death sentence for fuck’s sake and you’re avoiding it.”

“How dare you…”

“And when this doesn’t work out, and it won’t because, spoiler alert: the goddamn ship is going to sink, I’m the one that’s gonna have to pick up the pieces!”

“Ben, that’s not fair.” I have never asked him or expected him to take care of me, and his implication that he feels obligated to has me seething.

“None of this is fucking fair!” His voice is thunderous as he slams his fist on the table. His anger startles me and I flinch.

We stand on opposite sides of the room, staring at each other, licking our wounds. I’m wondering which of us will strike next. I don’t want to. I hate myself for the things I’ve said. I knew bringing up Ryan would hurt him, and I did it anyway. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. The tension in the room is so thick, and I don’t know how to break it. All that exists between us is the debris from this explosion of anger and guilt. I want to apologize, take back every hurtful thing I’ve said, but I’m terrified. I feel remorse for what I’ve said, but I don’t feel sorry for what I’ve done. Is there any way to go back to the space we occupied before we deliberately hurt each other? Can we ever look at each other the same again? As angry as I am right now, this right here, this friendship between us, is precious to me. And it is worth protecting.

Before either of us can speak, the tears that have been slowly falling begin to flood. I cup my hand over my mouth and sob, a tipping point of the emotions of the last few days and this heated confrontation. I stand up against the far wall of the sitting room, closest to the promenade. My eyes are closed and I don’t hear Ben move across the room until I feel his arms wrap around me.

“Ali, I’m… so…” His voice is cracked and raw. He can barely get out the words of an apology behind the tears he’s failing to hold back.

I squeeze him. “Me too.”

We stand here for a few minutes, just holding each other. I can feel the beat of his heart descend from a rapid pace to one more calm. He finally pulls back but keeps his hands on my arms. We’re both still clearly hurt by the sting of our exchanged words; however, we recognize the love and respect between us is more powerful than anything else. Neither of us wants to lose the other, and I personally cannot bring myself to continue to hurt him.

“You know I’ve got you, always. You’ll always have me.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ve got to get back on deck before they wonder why I’m taking so long. Are you going to be alright on your own?”

I wipe away my tears and try to compose myself. “Yeah, I told Violet I’d have tea with her while you play shuffleboard.” It always feels weird referring to my great-great grandmother by her first name.

Ben looks down at me. “Are you seeing him again later?”

“Of course I am.” I know what little time we have left. I want to savor every moment I can with him.

Ben nods at me with a half smile. He knows it’s no use stopping me. I know he just doesn’t want to see me get hurt. I pull myself together, wipe my swollen eyes, and force a smile.

“Do you need me to escort you to tea?”

“No, Sarah will walk with me. She needs to help me fix this.” I point to my unkempt hair. Ben walks across the room and opens the door, motioning for Sarah to enter. She had stayed in the hallway nearby, likely in case I needed backup.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.” Ben gently kisses my check before leaving the cabin. As much as I want to apologize and clear the air between us, I think we both need time away from each other to cool down and digest everything.

Sarah brushes out my hair, giving me a crystal comb to hold on to until she’s ready to secure her creation.

I look up at Sarah in the mirror as I sit at the vanity. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she mumbles. I sense a bit of sadness in her voice, as if she feels responsible for the confrontation with Ben.

“No, not for the hair. For everything. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own things that I haven’t acknowledged or recognized how much you have helped and supported me these last few days. I just want you to know I see it and I appreciate you.”

“You’re welcome, Ali. I meant what I said. I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, that’s nice to hear. I know I’ve put all of you in an impossible position. I’ve kept things hidden from you all, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re not hiding things as well as you think you are,” she says with a wink.

“Fair play,” I acknowledge with a giggle. “But what I mean is, I know I’ve put you all in a risky position. By being with him, telling him the truth about it all. I tried to stop myself. I really did. I tried to cut and run. I just can’t. Something always pulls me back toward him.”

“What do you mean, Ali?”

“I just… I can’t shake this feeling. I don’t know, Sarah. I thought our purpose here was our work. To find out what happened and why. But the more time I spend here, the more clear to me it all is. It’s like… like I’ve been going through life, constantly searching for something, something I didn't have. Like I’ve always lived a half life. Alive, but never fully living, or loving, or hoping, or anything really. I’ve lost everyone. And I thought getting the best education and focusing on my career would fill that hole inside me. But it hasn’t. It’s been like a bandage. It covers it up so I can ignore it and pretend I’m fine, but the hole is still there, you know? But now… now I think the missing piece of me was him. It was him all along. I think I was meant to find him.” I shake my head and laugh. “I know that must sound crazy to you.”

Sarah smiles to herself. “Not as crazy as you think. I followed my heart here too, you know.”

I don’t know what she means at first, but then I slowly have a realization. “Wait. Eric?”

“Mmhmm. I’ve been in love with him for the last two years.”

“Seriously?”

It all makes sense now. Ever since we started preparing for this project, I’ve watched her eyes follow him out of the room or brighten when he entered. Every time I felt guilty for eating in the main dining room, she said she was happy to just eat with Eric. I always assumed it was some kind of us versus them, or scientists versus historians bond that they shared. I didn’t realize she had feelings for him. But now that I have all the clues in front of me, it’s quite clear to see.

“Yeah, since we both started working with Dr. Conrad. And I never told him. I was scared. But then this opportunity came up, and he jumped at it. And with all the uncertainty about whether it would work or what could happen, I couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to him. Without a thought, I volunteered to come too. I followed him here, I guess.”

“I had no idea.”

“No one did. Until now. I wanted to thank you, Ali. For showing me how important it is to let people in and how rewarding it can be to take a leap of blind faith.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re nothing like the girl I met weeks ago. You’ve lived fearlessly this week, and I decided it was time to do the same. That’s why I wasn’t here last night. I found Eric and told him everything.”

“And….?” I smile as I press for more.

She smirks. “And it appears we’ve both been afraid to tell the other anything about how we felt.”

“Oh, Sarah. I’m so happy for you,” I gush. This kind of sweetness and joy is exactly the silver lining I needed to hear right now.

Sarah smiles with appreciation. “Thanks, Ali.”

“I have to thank you, Sarah. For showing me that first impressions are not always correct, and that sometimes a cover is not the book. I judged you, and for that, I’m sorry. I’m not used to having a female friend, but that’s honestly no excuse. I’m just glad I have one now.”

“Me too.” She squeezes my hand warmly. “Now let’s get you to tea.”