Chapter 30
Kieran was leaving.
He told me so of course. I knew Sable would be leaving after him. Her new job would start at the end of the month and then she would be gone too.
But Kieran.
My Kieran.
No, not mine.
My best friend.
How would I live without him?
My life was darkness. It was pain. Most days were a struggle to just keep smiling.
I tried to. I did.
I knew my place. I knew my purpose.
Father told me every day.
But Kieran was my light. My hope.
My person.
At night, when I was alone or sad, he would sing to me. And I would feel safe. I would feel cared for.
But if he was gone, I would be alone. Truly alone.
He had come to my room in the night to tell me.
I was up and walking around now. Father had not given me any more injections since the last. It had been a month, the longest I had ever gone without a shot.
My body was feeling stronger and Sable had been teaching me exercises. But under my skin, I felt a distant hum, like something stirring. I had taken to covering my body from head to toe, just so I wouldn’t hurt Sable.
I was doing sit ups on the ground when I heard a knock on my barred window. Sable had left me a hidden key, so I unlocked the bars and saw Kieran on the other side, sitting in the tree.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.” I opened the window. When he fell in with a thump, I paused, waiting for father to hear. But he was asleep. Probably had been a few hours.
Kieran surveyed my room, awash in a sea of coloured beads. I moved to my desk and quickly scooped the one I had been making into a drawer. He smiled at me.
For a moment he stared around my room.
“How are you?” he asked softly, finally.
“I’m good. I feel a lot better now. Father was considering letting me go for walks again, which would be great if he follows through – “
“Seph, I’m leaving.” He said abruptly.
I froze. My heart felt like it fell from my chest. “What?” I said, my voice stupid and shaky.
Kieran just looked sad. “I’m being sent away. An old friend of my dad’s has been in contact with me. He’s got it all set up in Edgewater. I have a job working on the docks there.”
“Edgewater.” I said flatly, falling down to my bed. “That’s on the other side of Velithra.”
“The money is good. I might be able to get my own place out there soon. It’s a great opportunity.”
“Great. Yeah. It… sounds great.”
“Seph.”
I put on my brightest smile. “I’m happy for you Kieran. You deserve to get away from here.”
From me.
“When – when do you leave?”
Kieran watched me closely. “Tonight. Around midnight. I’m hitching a ride with a trucker friend.”
“You aren’t taking your car?”
“No. I will leave that for mum. She might need it.”
“Oh. Ok. Good. Great.”
“Seph, you already said great.”
I looked up at him with narrowed eyes. “What else should I say Kieran? Awesome? Wonderful? You’re leaving me.”
“Seph you know I don’t want to – “
“Don’t you?” I fought the tears that threatened to fall. A flash of pain went through me. “Take me with you.”
“What?”
“Take me with you. Don’t leave me here with them. Let me come to. Let me stay with you!”
“Seph, no – “
“I can cook. I learned how to make food for my parents – I could cook for you. I could clean. I could help you keep house and fix your clothes – I can do all of that.”
“Seph.. I want to… god, if you had any idea…”
Kieran stood and walked away from me.
I reached for him with my gloved hand, falling short of actually touching him. “Please Kieran. If I stay here – I will die. I know I will.”
“No!” Kieran yelled, moving into my space. He took my head in his hands, uncaring about what happened if he touched my skin. I forced my power to stay dormant.
He lay his forehead against mine, and my hungry power stirred.
“You stay alive, Seph. You don’t let them take you. Because I’ll come back. I will always come back for you. I’m sorry … I just can’t take you with me right now.”
“Kieran please.” I begged, “please don’t go.”
Kieran looked torn. Before I could stop him he kissed me ever so gently on my lips. A featherlight touch, so full of feeling, I wanted it to consume me.
I had never felt so loved as I did in that moment.
The way he looked at me – like I was precious to him.
I loved him.
“I have to go.” He said, pulling back.
“What if I follow you?” I said to him. “What if I run anyway?”
Kieran stood by the window. “Don’t. Please Seph.”
“Kieran wait.”
“I will come back for you ok? One day, soon! Wait for me.”
Before I could say another word, he ducked out of the window and back into the tree.
I watched him go, like I was watching my last hope disappear. I chased him to the window.
He raced down the tree like he couldn’t wait to get away. He practically ran back to his house.
“Kieran!” I yelled. “KIERAN!”
But he didn’t answer.
I watched his retreating figure and felt determination grip me.
I won’t stay here without Kieran.
“No.” I said.
He can’t leave me.
He can’t.
I packed a small bag with some clothes and my beads. I picked up the small bracelet with the lightning bolt I had made for him. I packed the money Sable left me each day. I shoved it all in a bag. And I watched the clock.
I wouldn’t let him do this to me.
He couldn’t.
When time finally ticked by, I got up.
I opened the window, staring back at my room as if to say goodbye.
I felt nothing for the space that had been my prison for so long. It was just a room.
As I shimmied down the tree to sneak over to Kieran’s house, I heard voices.
Ones I knew.
A truck was parked out front of Kieran’s house, engine rumbling softly in the night. A big man stood beside it, hefting Kieran’s bag into the cab.
And in front of it—
Sable and Kieran.
I crept closer, keeping to the shadows.
I knew they were a thing. They had been for a while.
I don’t even know what my plan was. Crawl into the back? Hide under a tarp? Anything to not be left behind.
A stick snapped under my foot.
The crack tore through the silence.
Both Sable and Kieran tensed.
“I don’t know why you’re leaving like this,” Sable whispered. “I could drive you.”
“I know.” His voice was low, strained. “Thank you. But I need you here. With her.”
“Kieran…” Sable breathed, her voice wrapping around him like warm chocolate.
They leaned their foreheads together, hands clasped, whispering words I couldn’t catch.
Tears streamed down Sable’s face. She nodded at something he said.
Then I heard him clearly.
“I have never loved anything in the world as much as I love you,” he said, voice shaking. “Nothing compares to it.”
Sable sobbed harder. “I know,” she whispered. “I know.”
“Seph is going to need you. You know how damn annoying she is.” A soft, shaky laugh. “She’s a constant tagalong. Always trying to follow people around, never caring about herself. You have to stop her doing something stupid.”
Something inside me cracked so loudly I was shocked they didn’t hear it.
My fingers went slack.
The bracelet I had made for him slipped from my hand and fell to the ground with a soft, final sound.
I must have gasped, because both Sable and Kieran looked up.
Sable’s face collapsed in devastation.
Kieran’s expression was unreadable.
“Seph…” he said, stepping toward me.
I stepped back.
“No. I—” The words broke in my throat. I stumbled.
The truck gave a quiet warning honk.
It was time.
I couldn’t watch.
I turned and ran into the backyard, collapsing onto the grass. I didn’t make it past the garden fence.
I’m never leaving.
Never getting out.
Never chosen.
I pressed my hands into the earth, gulping for air.
I have nothing.
The truck’s engine rumbled away.
I knew he was on it.
I knew he was gone.
I looked up at the sky—
the stars, the endless black expanse behind them.
The void.
And I sobbed.
After a while, a hand touched my back.
Sable.
She eased down beside me and wrapped her arms around my shaking shoulders.
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe.
I could only cry.
“I know,” she whispered, again and again.
“I understand.”