Beneath (The Rebirth Series #1)

Continued, Beneath

Do you ever wonder what you would do if someone—god, the universe, whoever—gave you the ability to undo just one thing? What would you choose? How would you decide?

These thoughts have haunted me since this became my new way of life.

Before, I had a whole host of things I would change—so many that it’s hard to know where to start.

Maybe I could have convinced my mother to hang on in the end.

Perhaps she wouldn’t have given up. But I think of my father leaving.

Maybe I would have made him stay, and things would have been different.

Maybe I wouldn’t have kept my anger locked up all these years.

Maybe I’d take back all the hateful things I said when everyone I cared for seemed to just give up. There are lighter things too. Like being embarrassed in middle school for liking art. Or for having a crush on Sam. Seems stupid that I ever cared what anyone thought.

Then the world fell apart—my world fell apart, and there’s no going back. Now all I can think about is that one moment…

There are so many things I could have done differently. The things I should have said torment me day and night. Those terms don’t mean anything now, anyway. Nothing means anything.

I’m just trying to survive.

Maybe that’s why I find myself writing in this damn journal all the time. Trying to hold on to memories that I know will fade with time. Would it be a mercy to forget? I don’t know.

I can’t say I’ll be sad when my time comes to be buried beneath and return to the earth, or what’s left of her.

Maybe I would have said what I felt. What I wanted. What I needed.

I would have said I love you more.

I think that would have made all the difference.

But then, I’ll never know.