Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Faith and Tanner rode along in Kaylee’s Suburban. The boys bounced around in the third row while Tanner told them knock-knock jokes. She loved watching him with his family.
She still had trouble believing Tanner’s mother had taken their walk of shame so well. If it had been her family, they’d have greeted Tanner at the door with a shotgun and a preacher.
Granted, he was a son instead of a daughter. But Faith bet her parents would react that way if one of her brothers did the same. Premarital sex was never acceptable in their eyes. They’d had a point, she had to admit, since she’d ended up pregnant at nineteen.
“Why are you holding hands with her?” the oldest nephew asked.
Tanner winked at Faith. “Because she’s my girlfriend.”
“Do you kiss her?”
“I’m thinking about it.”
Kaylee turned around in the front passenger seat. “I hear you might’ve kissed her last night.”
Faith felt her cheeks flushing. All morning, Tanner had kept sneaking kisses, touching her like he couldn’t bear to have her too far away.
Public affection around family wasn’t the norm for her, but she liked it.
Not having to hide. Not being ashamed. Shame about sex was clearly not a trait of the Reed clan.
“Not you, too,” Tanner said. “You’re embarrassing her.”
Kaylee snickered. “Sorry, Faith. You’re one of us now, and that means taking s-h-i-t from us.”
“I’m starting to get used to it.”
The elated feeling in her chest was almost painful. Kaylee’s words meant more than the other woman could know. Faith missed her own family, imperfect as their relationship was, but to have a group of people like the Reeds accept her—she was beyond grateful.
Tanner had given her so much this weekend. She never could’ve expected someone like him to come into her life.
This might not be love yet. She only knew the whirlwind inside her mind and body the last couple of nights was entirely new.
Nausea and euphoria and utter terror, which all somehow combined into the best sensation she could imagine.
It was a pure adrenaline rush. Faith had never taken recreational drugs—despised them, in fact—but she wondered if this was how a high felt to Jon, except life-affirming instead of detrimental. She never wanted to come down.
If things didn’t work out with Tanner, how could any other man ever compare?
Maybe this was just the result of mind-blowing sex. But it felt like something real. Something precious she was afraid to lose.
If anyone could spoil this for her, it would be Jon. His stupid schemes and his packages and phone calls.
She hated that he kept haunting her mind, even now.
They parked and piled out of the Suburban. People streamed up the stone steps of the church and through a huge set of wooden doors. Parishioners greeted them on the way in, stopping to hug Tanner’s mom and chat with Kaylee and her husband.
Slowly, everyone worked their way toward the seats. Strains of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah drifted from a piano.
Tanner waited to be at the very end of the row, and she wondered if he didn’t like being surrounded by so many people. Faith squeezed his hand.
Tanner’s sister handed her a songbook. A parishioner walked up to the front.
“Our theme for this month is Love.” He launched into a reading from the Dalai Lama.
“The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your action will be.” After he’d finished the reading, the man lit a chalice on a pedestal.
Fearlessness, she thought. That’s what I need more of.
Everyone stood as the pianist started to play. Tanner clasped his arm loosely around Faith’s hips and shared her songbook, pausing to kiss her cheek every so often.
She couldn’t help thinking of Sunday mornings spent in Texas during her marriage. Standing next to Jon, pretending all was well. Singing had always been her favorite part of the service. Those were the times she could close her eyes and escape for a few minutes, longing for something better.
After those services, her mom would usually whisper something like, I prayed for you and Jon to get through this rough patch. Or, I prayed you’d get pregnant again. Isn’t it time?
Her mom had no idea how much those statements carved her empty inside.
Faith had sent up her own prayers on Sundays while she sang, though she’d never repeated those to her mother. Or to anyone.
She’d prayed to be made whole again, for her broken pieces to be healed, for some way out of the purgatory she’d been stuck in.
For someone who’d love all of her back. She’d been waiting a long time to love someone, and be loved, with her entire heart.
She looked over at Tanner. It was hard not to imagine he was the person she’d been waiting for. But it had taken her leaving home, giving up everything she’d known, to find him.
A drop of water fell onto her hand. She was confused until she touched her face.
She was crying.
Tanner looked over at her. “Hey,” he whispered. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry. I’m…” The tears kept falling. She rushed out of the room.
A sign for the restrooms pointed down a hallway. Before she could reach the bathroom door, she felt a hand on her arm. “Faith? What’s going on?” Tanner had followed her.
What little composure she had dissolved. She put a hand over her mouth and sobbed.
Tanner’s thumb wiped tears from her cheek. “Tell me.”
“I don’t know.”
But she did know. She’d almost told him last night. Tanner had shared his struggles, even though he’d worried about scaring her away.
But Faith had sorrow and ugliness in her past, too, and she’d been keeping the worst of hers inside.
“I lied to you.”
He pushed his tongue inside of his cheek. “What about?”
“Not here.”
They went out the front doors and sat on a patch of grass in the shade of a tree. Singing still came from inside, though it was muffled.
“I can’t believe I ran out of there.”
“I’ve run out of nicer places. And worse ones.”
“Being here, it just reminded me of things back home. I wasn’t ready for it.”
Tanner ran his fingers down her arm.
“Have you ever had a moment where a bunch of things suddenly make sense for the first time?” she asked.
“Maybe. Kissing you was a little like that. So was last night.”
His statement made her smile, though tears still dotted her eyelashes. “Yeah. But this one, just now, wasn’t nearly as fun.” She tugged up a few blades of grass, gathering her courage. “Yesterday, on the way here, I said my mom called. But I lied. It was Jon.”
His expression was hard to read. “I thought that might be the case. I saw how upset you were afterward.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I figured you had your reasons. Or you’d tell me later. I trust you.”
“I’m sorry.” She rested her head against his shoulder. Tanner kissed her forehead. “I need you to understand how things are between me and Jon.”
She felt him tense. “Okay.”
He was probably thinking the worst. “We’ve never loved each other. Not the way a husband and wife should. I’ve told you that, and it’s all true. But there’s other stuff I left out. Because it’s…” She swallowed down a fresh wave of tears. “Really hard to think about, much less say.”
He was silent, waiting for her to keep going. A car drove past on the road.
“I lost my virginity with Jon at a party. I’d been drinking. And I got pregnant. Within a couple of months, I had a husband. A baby on the way. I wasn’t thrilled, but I started to think it could turn out happy for all of us.”
Tanner massaged the back of her neck. He could probably tell how this story was going to go.
“Jon was willing to try to be a family. But then…” She sniffed, wiping a stray tear. She knew this part was nothing to be ashamed of. It hadn’t been her fault. Or Jon’s. But the pain was still fresh, even a decade later.
“I had some complications at six and a half months. We found out the baby had a genetic defect, which hadn’t been detected because we didn’t do any testing until then. She wasn’t going to live past her birth. There wasn’t anything we could do. I carried her to term, but…”
Faith couldn’t keep going. Each word was taking something from her. Like she was cutting them out of her skin.
Tanner pulled her into his lap, rocking her as her tears soaked into his shirt.
In a rush, she told him about the nights she and Jon had cried together, both before and after the funeral. The headstone bearing the name Lorelei Townsend. The unbearable guilt she’d felt, knowing she hadn’t wanted the child in the first place.
“Oh, Faith. I’m sorry.”
“I’ve felt broken for so long.”
“That’s okay. We can be broken together.”
Her arms cinched around his torso, holding onto him as tightly as she could. Her arms shook from the effort, but she didn’t let go. Faith breathed through the pain in her chest.
Sometimes, it felt like the anguish would just keep coming. It would never stop. She’d never get free.
But Tanner was here, solid and steady. Holding her up when she wanted to fall apart.
Finally, she could speak again. There was a lot more she needed to say.
“Jon was the only person who understood what I was going through. I saw the good in him. The kindness. For years, I kept looking for it, hoping I’d find it again.” Her husband had been a selfish person his whole life, but he’d loved their child. That wasn’t something she could easily forget.
“Eventually, I gave up hoping he’d be the husband I needed. But that’s why I can’t pretend he means nothing.”
“Do you want him in your life?”
“What would you say if I did?” She looked up at Tanner’s face and saw no judgment there.
“It’s not my place to have a problem with it.”
Faith stiffened in his arms, not knowing what he meant by that.
“I’d never tell you not to see someone you care about. Even if it’s him.” He traced her cheekbone with his thumb, right where the bruise had faded. “Even though I don’t like that he’s hurt you.”
Did she care about Jon?
A part of her always would. But in all the years she was married, what she felt for Jon had never come close to what she already felt for Tanner.
“He never wanted my help. I’ve given him enough chances to know he’s not going to change. And I’ve realized I played my own part. Maybe if I hadn’t forgiven him so many times, it would’ve forced him to take a different path.”
“Sounds like you’re blaming yourself for his choices.”
“I’m trying not to. But I have to take responsibility for my actions. Leaving him was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s no wonder he didn’t take me seriously. Now that he’s followed me here, I can’t fall into the same old cycle.”
Accepting his excuses. Letting him get away with more and more.
On the phone, Jon had sworn on their daughter’s life. He’d known what that would mean to her. But it didn’t mean the same to him. His addiction and his desperation always won out.
Standing and singing in that church pew, she’d felt it in her soul—enough was finally enough. She didn’t know yet what she’d do about Jon’s new request. But speaking up for herself wasn’t sufficient. She needed a plan. Actions, not words.
Faith ran her fingers through Tanner’s hair. It had a slight curl on top, just a hint unruly after the cut. “I want to be braver,” she said. “As brave as you.”
The skin around his eyes crinkled. “You’re already braver than me.”
She didn’t see how that could be true.
“Why? Did I scare you away?” she asked.
A smile broke through the sadness in his eyes. “Nah. Gonna have to do better than that. I’m not going anywhere.”
Tanner gave her a soft kiss. Singing came from inside the church again. Faith rested her forehead against his, and the sun shining down on them through the leaves of the tree felt a little like grace.