Chapter 10 Heidi #2
“Niyani, why must you lie to me? You know I don’t like that,” I teased.
“Unt un. Lying is what weak muthafuckas do. I’m the biggest, the largest—”
“Been stepping on shit since my mama stayed in them apartments,” we finished in unison followed by a laugh. I had to admit that I missed her fiery spirit. A couple nights with her would be exactly what I needed to stay afloat.
Sitting back in the chair, I sighed saying, “Dang man. I wish you was here.”
“I am.”
Sitting up with dipped brows and confusion surrounding me, I asked, “Huh? What you mean by that?”
“Turn around Heidi.”
I did so without hesitation and was looking into the face that comforted me for years.
Niyani stood on the other side of the glass in a cute cream two piece that just flowed with her dark chocolate skin.
I tossed my phone to the desk as I jetted from my seat out the door.
She stayed put with her arms extended waiting for me to jump in them.
Pouncing, she caught me and hugged me tightly.
She had no idea how much I needed her here right now.
“Friennnnnnd!” she squealed.
“I missed youuuuu!” I shouted.
“Mama Heidi. Mama Heidi. Don’t leave me!” Lincoln screamed running behind me.
Shit. That fast, I forgot I signed up to be somebody’s parent.
Hopping down, I gathered myself and began the introduction.
If I knew Niyani the way I thought I did, she was going to flip shit.
Since our first conversation about kids, she encouraged me to do what I felt was right.
A full year had passed since our last face to face, so I definitely had an earful for her.
“Mama? Bi… Chick, what did you do?” she questioned wearing a grin that stretched from ear to ear. She was excited without even knowing the details.
“Lincoln, this is your auntie, Niyani. Niyani, this is my son Lincoln. We became a family a couple months ago with the help of Nurturing Pathways adoption agency,” I answered covering my basis.
Niyani screamed with glee causing others passing to look at her like she was crazy. I didn’t mind the joy because she knew my struggle and mindset behind everything. Royce was at the top of the list of supporters, but you better believe this heffa was second on the list with several abstracts.
“You did it! I’m so proud of youuuuu!” she sang.
“Thank you, friend. Can we head inside now so these white folk won’t have a reason to call the police?” I grabbed Lincoln by the hand and walked back inside with Ni a few steps behind.
I went right for the lounge with Lincoln still in tow. The way he came running behind me, I knew I needed to show him some attention as well. He’d been abandoned and let down enough. I didn’t want him thinking I would do the same. Sitting I placed him on my lap and he immediately curled up in it.
“I wasn’t going anywhere; I was just excited to see your auntie. Mama’s sorry, okay?” He gave a small nod, and I kissed his forehead. I spoke to him on a level where only he could hear me. That reassurance was personal. I wanted him to know that.
“Oh, you are in your element miss thang. I love this!” she stated with excitement.
“Thanks friend. I prayed for patience, guidance, and so much understanding. Ni, you have no idea how much I was in my head but the second I saw him, I got right. I was still nervous as f-u-c-k, but I didn’t back down.
Went to church, got some encouragement from the pastor and first lady as well.
He’s such a sweet child too friend,” I said cooing over him like he was newborn.
“The way he ran after you, I just know he don’t play about you. I’m really happy for you Heidi. You deserve happiness and unconditional love. This is what I love to see boo. So, you did a thing and so did I.”
I gave her a quick onceover to see if I noticed anything new and my eyes landed on her left ring finger. This bitch was engaged or married. I was hoping it wasn’t the latter because she promised I’d be in her wedding.
“Niyani, what man is crazy enough to put a ring on your finger?” I asked loving that she had someone to love her the way she deserved.
“His name is Qwan and he’s a rapper from here actually. He goes by Phoenix. He’s really good to me friend and understands everything I’ve been through. I’m completely obsessed with how patient he is with my spoiled ass,” she bragged.
Knowing that this woman suffered from molestation from the one person that was supposed to protect her, she truly did deserve real, solid love.
When she showed up, she always wore a smile.
I knew what was really behind it, but all others saw was a beautiful woman draped in labels.
I was glad to know the real her and know she was just as fragile as I was.
“Are you introducing him anytime soon?” I asked wearing a stretched grin.
“As soon as you come back to Florida, I will. Right now, he’s booking a lot of shows down there to be with me. He’s tall, dark, handsome, nerdy, but also thuggish. Friend, he makes me happy so please, please, please be nice to him.”
“Niyani, when have you ever heard of me being disrespectful, mean, or rude? If he means that much to you, I’ll definitely show him some respect. You said he’s from here?” She nodded, and I took a mental note to look him up later. Possibly ask Royce for a background check on him as well.
“So, beside nephew, what else do I need to be caught up on?” she inquired.
Chat with Angels was the first thing that came to mind. As much as I denied it, I didn’t understand why I staggered behind that one thought. Velvet digging it up from the grave after I buried it wasn’t what I thought my day would consist of. I gave a solid rejection and now it was lingering around.
Niyani was well aware of the last chat I had with an inmate.
Michael’s conversations were never supposed to leave the letters, but they did, and my life became a pawn.
I followed the rules making sure I didn’t give too much, and I still found myself fighting for something that I owned.
My body should’ve never been claimed by anyone I didn’t approve of.
Men made it so hard for a woman to give herself willingly because of dumb shit like that.
Just because you were stronger didn’t mean you could take whatever you wanted.
If only they could understand a woman was sweeter, hell, softer when she was offered.
Niggas were just ungrateful as fuck as well as entitled.
“For some reason, the members of the church are begging me to join Chat with Angels again. Let them tell it, they’ve changed everything about it to protect us.
The thing is, I’m still healing. Have I made progress from where I started?
Heck yeah. However, I’m not completely over that situation.
Now you trying to throw me back in the lion’s den? Girl.”
Niyani shifted in her seat and gave me that look. I knew what she was asking before she even opened her mouth. “If you’re so head strung on not doing it, why do you seem so stressed behind it?”
And there she goes with the Windex cleaning the smeared glass I hid behind. It never failed.
“Because now I’m thinking about it when I shouldn’t be. I said no twice already Ni.”
“Okay, so don’t do it… Unless you’re thinking on doing this to overcome a fear or something?” she challenged.
“Mama Heidi, can I go play on my iPad now?” Lincoln wanting to go ‘bout his business was perfect timing. I was so unsure on what to do or even say to Ni.
“Yes baby. You’re excused.” He hopped down off my lap and went back to the space he was previously occupying. “You want something to drink? I could use a refresher right now.”
I stood to go make us some drinks and she stopped me dead in my tracks. “Nah, I’m good. What aren’t you telling me Heidi?”
Sitting back down, I released a deep sigh.
The truth was, I did want to overcome that feeling of fearing men altogether, especially in a romantic way one day.
Velvet mentioning my other fear was about men and men alone.
I avoided everything regarding them and lied to one too many people about the program.
Royce believed while he was in jail I was still doing my part in the program when really, I was shitting bricks anytime it was brought up.
Hell, I was triggered by checking the mailbox some days.
However, he couldn’t know the real because then he’d move mountains to try and fix it.
This wasn’t on him to mend though. I appreciated him always being there and protecting me, but this was something I had to do on my own.
I had to trust me, as well as value me again.
“Transparency?”
“I would hope you valued our friendship enough to be that and more. There’s nothing you can tell me that I won’t understand. You know that,” she responded with straight genuineness. I loved Ni so much for that. One of the realest people in my life and I needed that right now.
“Being a mom is great. I enjoy it more than I thought I would. However, I can’t deny the slight jealousy I’ve developed.
The other women in my life have men that will go to bat for them and their kids at the drop of a dime.
Those kids have father’s that will lay their life on the line without hesitation while Lincoln has me.
The woman that’s tarnished and jumps anytime a man gets too close.
He doesn’t have that strong structure in his life, and I can’t provide it. ”
Niyani changed sofas and wrapped her arms around me.
Leave it to her to know when to comfort me.
I truly wanted to overcome this fear for Lincoln more than myself.
Having a powerful man in his corner and teaching him what it means to be a man was what he needed.
Seeing his mama loved and cherished would help shape him into a respectable man.
There was only so much I could do, and I if I was being honest, I didn’t want that responsibility to be left to the Atkins men either.