18. EIGHTEEN
EIGHTEEN
Sigurd slumps into Gunther’s chair. The two of them are alone in Gunther’s study.
“But this is fantastic news!”
“How?” cries Gunther, slamming his hand down on the huge oak desk. “I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life!”
“So what? You’re alive, aren’t you? And your arms and legs are still attached?
Praise the gods it turned out so well!” He turns towards the desk and starts to pour himself a goblet of wine from a silver flagon.
“Let’s drink a toast to your health, and to the secret finally being out in the open!
Ah! The stress has been eating me alive! ”
“No thank you, Sigurd. No—No, help yourself. You barely had a drop yesterday at the wedding because you were too busy worrying and fussing around, spreading rumours among the guards about a possible attempt on my life—”
“There could have easily been one!”
“—And now after I tell you about how last night went all you want to do is drink and celebrate! It’s almost as if you’re happy about it!”
“I am happy it, Gunther. This whole situation could have been much, much worse!”
“I’m not able to consummate my marriage, Sigurd!”
Sigurd shrugs. “That’s not such a large matter.
No one will ever know. And if word ever does get out, you could just say it’s a Josephite marriage, like the Christians sometimes have.
Or you could say you’re abstaining from material pleasures to rightly order yourself.
Everyone would think you’re very progressive. ”
“You’re not understanding me, Sigurd. I don’t want to have a Josephite marriage, and I don’t want to abstain from material pleasures! I want to have a normal marriage like my last one, where I can actually sleep with my wife!”
Sigurd frowns as he swills his cup of wine. “I thought you married her for fame, to bring in allies to help us fight the Romans. If I’d known you merely wanted to sleep with Brünhilda the Valkyrie Queen of Iceland I’d never have gone along with any of this.”
“Yes! I three quarters did it for the fame! The other quarter I did it so I could sleep with Brünhilda the Valkyrie Queen of Iceland!”
“Well, if she doesn’t want to … Perhaps if you try winning over one of the shieldmaidens they might be able to bring her around?”
“Bagh! I’m not fussing around with that sort of nonsense!”
“I suppose you could always divorce her quietly. It’s not likely she’d contest it.”
“And just how am I supposed to divorce her quietly, Sigurd? I’m the King of Burgundy! And besides, why would I do that? That would just be undoing everything we’ve accomplished up till now.”
“Hmm. You’re right. You’d probably be even less famous than you were before.”
“Ugh! No, that isn’t going to happen.”
“Well, I’m sorry the marriage has turned out to be a disappointment.”
“You’re just giving up?”
Sigurd takes a sip of wine. “Yes.”
“Well I’m not! By Frigg, I’m going to have my way with that woman if it’s the end of me! My honour must be restored!”
“What are you going to do?”
Gunther taps his chin. “Yes. Hmm. What to do … What to do …” he snaps his fingers. “Ah! Why don’t you have a word with her, Sigurd?”
Sigurd tries hides a smirk. “Gunther, I’m really not sure I’m the best one to convince her.”
“Why not? Just go in there and, you know, rough her up a bit—”
“Rough her up a bit?”
“Just a bit.”
Sigurd sets down his drink. “Did you bump your head?”
“No. Then, say, tie her up—”
“What do you mean?”
“To the bed, Sigurd.”
“What?”
“Then you come out, I go in, and there it is.”
Sigurd gets up from the desk and starts to leave. “No. Absolutely not. There is no way I am doing that.”
“What? Why? It would be easy for you.”
“It’s not about whether it’s easy for me. You’re asking me to beat up your wife and tie her down so you can rape her!”
“It’s hardly rape Sigurd, we’re married.”
“It is so rape!”
Gunther shrugs. “I mean, I suppose some people might consider it to be a light form of rape, but it’s not like a brutal, violent rape like when you sack a town. It’s just like telling a white lie. That’s all it is.”
“Except for the part where it’s rape!”
“Would you stop saying that? It’s such an ugly word.”
“It’s supposed to be an ugly word!”
“Yes I know, but that’s what I’m saying. What we’re talking about isn’t really rape. It’s more like doing it with a drunk girl.”
“That could be considered rape too!”
“Well that’s just my point, Sigurd. It could be, but it isn’t really, is it?”
Sigurd opens his mouth to argue, then brushes the matter aside. “I’m not even discussing this with you. I’m leaving, right now.”
“Fine, go then,” says Gunther, pouring himself a goblet of wine. “But with all due respect, Sigurd, we are talking about a woman who would only marry a man once he had overpowered her with brute strength. To be fair, she’ll probably love it. It will probably the greatest thrill of her life.”
Sigurd sighs as he opens the door. “I tell you what, we’ll go right now together and ask her if she’d like it. If she says yes, I’ll help you.”
“Well that would defeat the purpose if we asked her, wouldn’t it?” says Gunther, sipping from his goblet. “Anyway, where are you off to?”
“Lunch. I haven’t eaten breakfast because I was so worried the maids would find you in pieces; and now I’m starving.”
“Oh yes. They’re serving the corn and roast pork down in the hall. You know, from the wedding feast.”
“Yes, from the wedding feast. Are you coming?”
“No,” says Gunther sadly, twisting his hands around the goblet, “I’ll be here, alone, drowning my sorrows. By myself.”
Angrily, Sigurd turns around. “You’re trying to manipulate me, Gunther, and I can see right through it! Well, I’ll not be fooled! Not this time! There’s no way I’ll go along with this! This is the worst plan you’ve ever had!”