Chapter 36
“How the fuck did I hex myself? And how the hell am I supposed to break it?” Dina swore, sweeping up the salt circle into a jar with a cleaning spell. They wouldn’t need its protection anymore since apparently the cause of all her problems was herself.
“It is uncommon for a witch to curse herself. But when it happens it can be very potent,” Nour said, sitting on Dina’s bed with Heebie curled in her lap.
“So what now? Do we do some kind of spell to undo it?”
Nour arched an eyebrow. “I thought you said you’d already tried cleansing spells on yourself before?”
“I have.”
Nour shrugged. “That should have sorted it.”
Dina was surprised at how calm her mother was being about this. Nour reached up and pressed her hand to Dina’s cheek, holding it there.
“All these years, and you’ve been blocked from love. And Scott, I really thought…”
“Me too, Mama,” Dina said, her chest constricting.
“It’s in your power to fix it now.”
“How?”
“Think about it, Dina. Really think about the intricacies of the hex. Anyone who falls in love with you will be hurt, forcing you to push them away for their own safety. It’s just like the dream I had. You build this wall around you so that no one can get in, and anyone who tries is hurt. But what happens if someone gets through and loves you? They see inside. They see inside the fortress that you’ve built around yourself and they see you. What are you afraid they’ll see?”
Dina wasn’t sure when she had begun crying.
“Are you afraid that they will learn you’re a witch and run away scared? Tell me, benti, did Scott run away?”
Dina shook her head. “He loves my magic.”
“Exactly. And were you yourself when you were around him?”
“Yes.”
“And he fell in love with you all the same. He fell in love with you, Dina, because you are worthy of being loved, and you deserve to love.”
Dina lay her head on her mother’s chest, and Nour stroked her daughter’s curls. She felt so small, and so young.
There was one secret part of her left. A part that had always been there, that she’d wanted to share with her mother for so long.
She was so afraid. Please still love me after I tell you, Mama.
“There is something else, Mama. Something I’ve been keeping from you.”
“Oh?”
“I never told you because I was afraid of how you’d react. Afraid that you and Dad might love me less if you found out.” Dina inhaled a shaky breath. “I’m bi, Mama. I like both men and women. The first person I ever loved, Rory, she wasn’t a man. And I’ve dated women, and been with women, so please don’t say it’s just a phase—”
Her mother cut her off, cupping Dina’s face in her hands.
“My darling girl, my habiba. That’s what you’ve been keeping from me for all these years?” Nour began to cry. “I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell us, that I ever made you feel like I would love you any less. You’re my daughter: There is nothing about you that I do not love.”
The walls that Dina had built around her heart crumbled, and her mother held her, and told her she loved her until Dina was finally able to believe it. After a while, Dina stopped crying, and sat up to look at her mum.
“What do we do now?”
Nour thought for a moment. “There is something. It might help. A mother’s magic is not something to be trifled with.”
Dina thought of Scott, thought of the chance she now had to be with him, if only she could break this curse of her own making.
“Let’s try it,” she said. “What do I need to do?”
Dina waited as her mother went to the en-suite bathroom and emerged with a bowl scented with frankincense and filled with pre-mixed henna (the house had clearly known what her mother had planned).
Together, they spooned the henna into a bag and cut a small hole at the bag’s corner.
“We’re going to fix this, habiba.” Her mother’s determined voice filled her with a sudden flash of hope.
Dina became aware that her mother was singing softly under her breath. Ever since she was a baby, her mother had sung like this. Sometimes in Darija, sometimes in English, never in French. Nour took her daughter’s right palm and began to apply the henna in a beautiful pattern.
Her voice lilted into a whisper and then back into song, the notes throaty and warm. Like hushed prayers.
Her mother tipped Dina’s hand palm up, and drew a circle in the center, the henna scented with frankincense. Dina felt a tingling warmth where the henna was drawn, each stroke of the application stirring something in her core, in her spirit. Magic thrummed within her, its molten light flowing through her veins.
She looked down and saw in surprise an elegant pattern of flowers and vines that wove around her fingers, and in the center of her palm, an open eye.
“This is so you will see yourself as I see you,” Nour said, her eyes prickling with tears.
Dina stood and turned to face the mirror. For a moment she did not recognize her reflection. That woman was beautiful, glowing, beaming a smile, kindness and joy radiating from her. That woman was Dina. That’sme.
The hex had felt insurmountable, impossible to break, even once she had known she was the cause of it. It was one thing to be told she needed to love herself to break the curse, but quite another to do it in practice. But as Dina looked at herself, everything fell into place. Her family accepted her for who she was. And if she told herself that she was worthy of love, then it was true. And if it was true, there was no need for the hex anymore. No need for that wall that she had built between herself and others to keep them from seeing her as she truly was. Scott loved her, and she loved him. And they would be okay.
She shuddered in a breath as the insidious magic of the hex began to dissipate, like ashes blowing away after a fire’s gone out. Then her ears popped, and the hex was gone.
Dina looked across at her mother, smiling through her tears.
“It’s gone,” she cried. “Mama, I’m free.”
They collapsed into a heap of tears and laughter, Dina’s father walking in and wrapping his long arms around both his wife and daughter, not knowing why they were happy-crying but just glad that they were.
After some time, Nour took Dina’s face in her hands.
“We’ve fixed this for now, but I meant what I said. A witch cursing herself is a powerful form of magic, intentional or not. Loving yourself will feel easy some days, and other days it will be a mountain you cannot climb. Dina, habiba, I want you to promise me you’ll see someone about this.” She pressed a kiss to her daughter’s cheek. “You know you can always talk to me—tous—about how you feel. But there are some things that magic can’t fully cure, and you need to find someone you can talk to who will help you keep that wall from coming back.”
Dina agreed.
“I’ll speak to someone, I promise.” She smiled.
“Well, then, what are you waiting for, benti? You have to go to Scott and tell him how you feel!”
The moment her mother uttered those words, Dina’s bags appeared by the door, already packed. Heebie was stored away in her carrier, sleeping soundly. A train ticket even sat on top of Dina’s bag.
She laughed. “Thank you, House.”
Not bothering to go change or shower, Dina picked up her things. There was no time to waste. She had to go and gatecrash the opening of an exhibition.