Chapter 41
Rori
Grace ushers me off stage after they’ve closed out the auction portion of the night. The live band is starting to play, but it sounds more muted once we are backstage.
“That went exactly as I hoped,” Grace says with a pleased tone. “Mission accomplished.”
“You think?” I ask, still extremely nervous underneath my hope that Landon will really want to talk to me.
“Oh definitely. Just a gentle nudge, and he wasn’t going to lose that bid,” Grace says. “I know my brother. He’s been hurting the last three weeks, but he’s also still so gone for you. If you’re serious about making this work, I think you will find him wanting the same thing.”
“I want that, I really do,” I reply quickly to her. “I can’t believe you’re being so nice to me. I really appreciate it.”
“Not a problem.” Grace pauses and gives me a small smile. “I believe in second chances, though I didn’t always. My brother deserves the world, and you’re the person he wants, more than anyone I’ve ever seen before. He’s one of the good ones, Rori.”
Recognizing the generosity in everything she’s doing, I nod. “I understand. I’m going to do everything in my power to fix this.”
“Well, let’s get you situated,” she says as she starts to guide me back to the waiting room.
Once we reach the door, she opens it and flips the light switch on. “Hang here for a few minutes, and then I’ll bring him back for the meet and greet.”
I take a seat on a white hardwood chair, the music still emanating in muted tones. My anxiousness starts to increase minute by minute. Will Landon really give me a chance? What if this was all a terrible idea? Will he be angry that I’m here?
I hear a light knock finally, and Grace’s voice comes through as the door to the waiting room opens. “It’s us.”
As the door swings wide and Grace steps into the room, my eyes stay glued to the entrance. Standing there, a shadow memory of the first time I saw him, is Landon.
“Gloria Reilly,” he says in a hard to read tone. “Of all the places you could turn up.”
His face looks stoic, and I can’t tell if he’s upset, pissed, or indifferent.
His body is slightly stiff as he stands straight-backed with his hands clasped together in front of him.
He’s wearing a perfectly cut suit, muscles filling out the clothing to make a striking silhouette, ensuring that the picture is all the more intimidating.
This Landon, I don’t know how to handle.
“Hi, Landon,” I reply, trying to push as much contriteness into my voice as I can. I don’t know what else to say afterwards, which I can tell Grace notes too.
“Guys, take it slow,” Grace advises. “Landon, I suggest you hear what she has to say. Take as much time as you need. There isn’t a set time for the ‘meet and greet.’”
Within a blink, she’s gone, shutting the door behind her.
I stay locked in on Landon. There are several feet between us, his body language rigid. I peer up at his face, and he has his eyes on a spot towards the back of the room. Likely so he doesn’t have to look at me.
“Landon, I know you’re probably wondering why I’m here. Why Grace is helping me,” I say, still looking up at him even though he’s avoiding eye contact. “I reached out to her because I wanted a chance to talk. And obviously you didn’t text me back yesterday.”
He looks at me then, eyes steeled against showing any emotion. “And so you thought you would just show up tonight? At the gala of all places, and try to get me to bid on you?”
“I didn’t know what to do. I wanted your attention,” I confess, feeling my desperation seep into my words.
“Well, you have it, Rori,” he says, sitting down on the edge of a table near the entrance of the room.
Okay, here I go. It’s all or nothing time.
This is scary, but it’s time to be completely transparent with him.
I push out the breath I’ve been holding in and tumble full speed ahead.
“The fact is that I messed up so badly three weeks ago. I messed us up. There were so many things going wrong at once, and I took it out on us. On you.”
I pause for a beat, willing him to react in some way, but his face doesn’t budge. “It was immature, unfair, and stupid. So stupid. I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am. What I did was wrong.”
He still doesn’t say anything, his face showing nothing. The only thing I know to do is to keep speaking and explaining.
“I’m so new at all of this. You’re the first man that I’ve ever wanted more with. My first relationship. It’s not an excuse for how I treated you, and I can promise you that I won’t ever do anything like this again. I never want to hurt you again.”
I can’t help the pleading that’s becoming pronounced in my tone. I start to worry that all of this isn’t going to be enough as I watch him maintain his stoic expression. Unable to stop myself, I keep going.
“I miss you, Landon,” I say, in a loud whisper full of longing.
He finally reacts, with a flash of sadness on his face. His eyes finally brighten with some emotion.
He takes a few seconds, opening his mouth and shutting it. Obviously trying to find his words.
Suddenly, he does. Three words full of weight.
“You hurt me,” he says in a pained voice.
I let out a sad sigh, rocked that I had caused him any amount of agony.
“You hurt me,” he says again. “But I can’t stop missing you either.”
My heart aches to hear so plainly what I’ve done to him. But I also feel a dash of relief seeping in from his other confession.
Both of us stay still as the air between us becomes heavy.
It’s everything I can do to keep myself from going up to him, giving him a hug, trying to take away the pain I caused.
But, even with my limited relationship experience, I know that wouldn’t be right in this moment. Landon needs to be the next person to speak.
After almost a full minute of silence, he finally does.
“Look, Rori. I do understand everything you said. I get all the pressure, the need to find things to lash out on, all of it. The biggest thing for me is trust. It’s so hard for me to be vulnerable with anyone because of the crap my parents put each other through, put us kids through,” he says, pausing for a moment.
“I totally get it,” I reply, looking in his eyes and then lowering my head. “I betrayed what we were building. Betrayed our friendship even. I feel so bad for how I acted, Landon.”
“Seeing you right now, I’m hurt, I’m angry. Cutting me off like that, it was brutal, Rori.” His voice is softer than his words, which sting my heart.
All I have to respond with is my honesty. “I know. I ruined us, one of the best things in my life, to deal with the worst things. I can’t pretend there was anything other than panic over all the press stuff behind what I did. But I swear, I swear, Landon—nothing like this will happen again.”
He shifts his body, putting two hands on the back of the table, squeezing the edge. “And you want what, Rori? You want to be together again? Act like it didn’t happen?”
I look up sharply at his words. “No, it isn’t fair to ask you to act like it didn’t happen. But yes, I… I would like to try again. To be together again, if you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” he parrots back, a little softer, like he’s testing it out.
I nod. “If you can give me another chance. Yes, forgive me. I promise you that I’ve learned…well, I’ve learned a lot.”
“Like?” he asks.
“Starting with us, that if I’m ever emotional about something, I need to stop and take a minute. Then actually talk to you. Not shut you out like I did in Canada.”
He nods as I keep explaining.
“We let the whole going public question linger too long, and that was on me. I should have just had an honest conversation with you about my fears. I was scared of hurting you by telling you I wasn’t ready, so instead I melted down once stuff hit the fan in Toronto.
I promise that won’t happen again. And I’m sorry.
If I could repeat that a million times, I would. I’m sorry for how I acted.”
He stares back at me for what feels like an eternity. Finally, he sighs and lets go of the desk, crossing his arms with his back straight.
“Rori, nothing has been the same without you.” He whisps out the words like they’re painful. “I’ve missed us, so much.”
My heartbeat picks up. Maybe there’s still hope.
“I think I can forgive you.” The words come out slowly, as if he’s judging them in real time. “Try to move forward. It just may take a beat for me to digest everything.”
Oh thank god. “I understand. Whatever it takes.”
His eyes level on mine, intent and open. He finally looks more like the Landon I know.
“Let me be clear about something though. I need to trust that if we’re in a serious relationship that we’ll always have each other’s back. That we’re not going to break apart anytime the world around us is shaken up a bit.”
While his words are partially a warning, they’re also a promise from him of what he’s willing to give. It’s hitting me exactly how much I might’ve lost because of what I did to him.
I’ve never been a crier, but somehow all the events of the last few weeks have cracked that part of me open. Tears start running down my face as I fight to hold in the sobs I feel coming.
“I want that too, Landon. I want that too. I’m so sorry,” I say, the tears falling.
“Then we’ll try again,” he says in a softer tone, stepping forward to pull me into his arms. “Apology accepted, Rori.”
It feels like a miracle when he wraps me up tight, and I throw my arms around him in turn. He starts swaying us in a comforting rhythm, our bodies glued together.
A few minutes pass with us holding each other, everything quiet other than the muffled sound of the band’s music. My tears subside, and I find the calm, centered feeling that being with Landon inspired in me so often before I stupidly ended things.
“So what now?” I finally say, my voice still smothered a bit because I’m speaking into his shoulder.
He breaks apart our hug just enough to look down at me, our arms staying secured around each other.
Not answering my question, he leans down to connect our lips in a firm kiss. In response, I press my body against his, but his big hands lock on my hips to hold me in place. He breaks the kiss and looks down at me.
“Not tonight, I need a minute,” he says. “We know we’ll get that part right. I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but let’s not go there tonight. I need everything else to catch up.”
I nod because I understand. I’m still feeling very raw emotionally, and I know he might have even further to go to feel back to our norm.
“I’m leaving for the U.S. Open this weekend. I’ve got a couple of appearances before the tournament starts on Monday,” I explain. “But I could drive up again tomorrow night for a last time before my trip?”
“You would do that?” Landon asks. “You sure?”
“Absolutely,” I say, as I give him a firm peck on the lips.
Anything to show him that I’m all in.