Chapter 30
THIRTY
HARLEY
I fake a smile as the others laugh and joke around me, not feeling any of it.
My mind has been elsewhere since my interaction with Savannah last week, unable to forget the way she helped me through the cloud of panic that was stopping me from taking a breath.
I’ve never had a panic attack before, and haven’t had one since, but I think everything just finally became too much, and my body had to release it somehow.
I spent my summer mostly alone, with Cole and Noah doing their thing with the girls and Logan off doing whatever the fuck it is he does, and unfortunately, it gave me too much time to stew. To think. To reminisce.
Seeing Savannah for the first time in so long felt like a shock to the system, and the pain of everything just felt too much. It felt like an overload of anger, resentment, want, need, and pain.
So much fucking pain.
Not only the pain of what she did, but the pain of knowing we could never be what we once were. Even if I could find it in myself to forgive her, she’ll never be able to forgive me.
Not after everything I’ve done.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for the way I’ve treated her, so there’s no way she’d ever be able to.
She could have walked away and left me there when she saw what was going on, but she didn’t, because she is so much more of a better person than I am, and it doesn’t help that lately, I’ve barely gotten a moment of peace to prepare myself to see her.
You would think an entire summer would be enough, but it wasn’t, and now the only time I’m alone is when I’m in my room, and even then, I sometimes have someone barging in to ask me something.
Our group has changed in the last year, and our home is fuller than it has ever been.
Lana moved in first to keep her safe from someone who was after her, and Gracie moved in last week when we came back from summer vacation. To say I was shocked when I found out about Gracie and Noah being together is an understatement, but I don’t think anyone could have been as surprised as Cole.
Especially because of the way he found out…
So now, there are two couples in the house along with me and Logan.
I’d like to say the both of us are sticking together, but he’s always been the type of guy to enjoy his own company.
Which is why I’m currently trapped between two couples snuggling with each other while we watch a film, regretting my life choices, and wishing I had just opted to stay in my room.
I’m surprised Cole is okay with this since he has to watch his little sister all loved up with one of his best friends.
It’s still weird for me, so I have no idea how the hell Cole is feeling about all of this.
She’s moved in, but into Noah’s room. Cole had demanded Noah and I swap rooms because Noah’s room used to be right beside Cole’s, and that was all kinds of uncomfortable for both couples, so now I’m the one stuck next to Cole and Lana.
It’s great, really.
Someone please kill me.
My phone dings with a message, and I let out a breath of relief.
Anything for an excuse to get out of here.
It’s a generic text from the local pizza place, but they don’t need to know that. I spend a moment messing around on my phone before I jump to my feet.
“I’m out,” I call, and head toward my room.
“Where are you going?” Gracie asks, and I have to hide my flinch. Things were so much easier when it was just the guys—they didn’t bother asking questions.
“Just out,” I mutter, realizing I’m going to have to leave the cottage to make it believable, but fuck, a walk in the dark sounds a hell of a lot better than being a fifth wheel.
“With who?” Lana asks, and I’m tempted to bang my head against a brick wall.
Jesus, these girls are like a dog with a bone.
“Leave him alone,” Cole says, and I use the opportunity to sneak away.
I grab my jacket and slip out of the front door, not paying attention to where I’m going, I just take one step after another.
It’s a perfect representation of my life, really.
I’ve been drifting lately, not knowing what I’m doing.
Hell, I’ve been drifting for years at this point.
What’s the purpose of everything, anyway?
I can barely get through a day without reliving the past, and I don’t know how I’ll ever focus on the future when I’m so stuck on everything else.
I know I’m dramatic, and it’s not like anything actually bad happened to me, but it affected me all the same. Now, I struggle to know who to trust. I don’t let anyone close other than the people I live with.
Every time I even think about hooking up with someone, an image of her pops into my mind, and I can’t bring myself to do it, even after everything she’s done.
Before I know it, I’m approaching Savannah’s building, my feet leading me here without a conscious thought. Is she in there right now or in the library? Or is she with someone else…
I really don’t want to fucking think about that.
It’s crazy to think that for the first two years of college, the only time we spent together was fucking yet we never visited each other’s rooms. We always kept it public, like we were keeping it neutral.
Well, I did. Looking back now, it was always me who initiated anything, other than that time she kissed me. It makes me feel a little sick to think back on it now. That isn’t me. I’m not the type to use someone the way I did her, but I was just so fucking angry that I couldn’t think straight.
I clench my fists as I stare up at the building before forcing myself to walk away. There’s no point dwelling on it, what’s done is done, and I can’t go back and change anything now.
I head back toward the cottage, but a whimpering sound from my right has my steps freezing.
Did I really hear that? Or was it just part of my—
Another whimper has me shifting directions, and before I know it, I’m entering the same alleyway I first fucked Savannah in.
It only takes a few steps to find something I never thought I would see—lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood is a man, his chest unmoving with two obvious stab wounds and a knife protruding from one of them.
My blood freezes in my veins, my heart pounds in my ears, and bile crawls its way up my throat.
I should do something. Call the cops and tell them, I should try and help him, see if he has a pulse, and call an ambulance. I should—
Another whimper, and my attention snaps toward the sound and what I see fucking breaks something inside of me. Shatters me to pieces and wrecks me from the inside out.
The sight in front of me has my walls crumbling and my soul tearing into shreds.
It’s like some sort of sick symmetry—her finding me in an alley last week, broken and vulnerable, only for me to find her the same way.
Only it’s not the same way, because this is much, much worse.
“Savannah?”