Chapter 17
Chapter seventeen
Noelle
What the actual FUCK does that mean?
Actually, I know what it means. He made his truth very clear in the letter. Cole loves me, more than I thought anyone could be loved by someone, as more than just a friend. He sure as hell fucked me like it.
And yet, even now, with this whole speech about home, he doesn’t say it. Doesn’t even hint at it. Is that how things would be between us?
The thought is all it takes for me to deflate. There is no future for us, not like this. What I need is someone who isn’t afraid to speak his mind when it comes to me, someone who never wastes a chance to tell me how they feel.
I need transparency. Clarity. Reassurance that what we have is real.
Besides, even if he said the words things would never work out between us, not while he’s with the Vultures.
I don’t fit inside his pro-hockey, Vancouver high-rise life.
He has a whole different world to get back to, and one day, a wife and kid.
Moving in, even temporarily, would only complicate things for him.
Hard to date someone if your female best friend is living in your house—hell, I’m sleeping in his bed. How is he going to explain that?
Cole’s body jerks in a violent shiver, his skin ice cold to the touch.
These blankets clearly aren’t working; I need to figure out something that does.
Beneath me, I feel his underwear is still soaked by the snow, which can’t be good for him.
I didn’t bring him dry ones. Maybe I should get them before we do something he’ll regret.
“I’ll get you some dry boxers,” I say, and before I can stop myself I kiss his cheek. We might not have forever, but we still have the weekend. And I’ll be damned if I waste it. “I’ll be right back.”
His face softens, a strange look in his eyes. “I’ll be right here, waiting for you.”
The parting words of his letter echo through my mind like a broken promise. I hope there will be a day where the stars align for us.
I know, looking into his eyes, that our stars were crossed from the beginning.
Much like we did with last night, we don’t talk about what happened by the fire.
I sent him to take a hot shower, hoping it would be more effective in warming him than the fire, and in the solitude I had a very respectable mental breakdown.
Nothing can happen between us, no matter how badly both of us want it to.
It would only result in heartbreak and the end of the healthiest relationship I’ve ever known. In short, it’s not worth losing him.
No. What I need now is to forget this weekend ever happened, and remind my brain that me and Cole are friends who’ve fucked once, nothing more. And the best way to do that?
Get disappointed by other men like nature intended.
I unlock my phone and navigate to the app, immediately regretting that decision when the first profile pops up. What is it with guys only having pictures of them holding guns or fish, aren’t their grammar and bro-like personalities torture enough?
Still, I continue to swipe. Somewhere on this app is my rebound, or at the very least a good distraction.
Maybe I’ll even get enough unsolicited dick pics that I will forget what Cole’s looks like.
In any case, it’s a step forward in getting over him.
If that means getting under someone else, well, who am I to complain?
Thankfully, the women’s profiles have a lot more effort to them, and every single one of them is hot.
I’m a few matches in when a freshly showered Cole strides into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of orange juice, smelling of eucalyptus and looking good enough for me to forget why I need to get over him in the first place.
From where I sit on the island, I get the perfect view of his ass when he bends over to check something in the freezer.
“News?” he asks when he nods towards my phone.
I shake my head. “No, just playing around. Killing time.”
I don’t think he’s noticed my screen, as he takes his glass without a word and heads towards the living room. He hasn’t reached the couch when I hear his footsteps draw closer again, all the way up to my side, downright glaring at my phone.
“Is that a fucking dating app?” Cole demands. His body is rigid, tension radiating off him like he’s waiting for the puck to drop. Something pulls in my lower belly at the side—I’ve always loved his feral side.
Still, I raise a brow. If he doesn’t have the guts to tell me how he feels, he has no say in what apps I’m on. “Sure is. Got a problem with that?”
“I really fucking do,” Cole says calmly, though his voice is thick with restraint. He steps forward until our faces are mere inches apart, those bright blue eyes holding me hostage. “You need to delete that app right here, right now. I licked it so it’s mine, Noelle. You are mine.”
A shiver runs down my spine as the image of his face between my thighs flashes before my eyes. It would be so easy to fall into it again, convince myself it was another one-time thing. But we would both know that would be a lie. That we want it to be more.
I think that piece of knowledge is the only reason I feel bold enough to speak up.
“Yeah?” I hold his gaze when I lean in even closer, his warm breath brushing my skin. My gaze flits to his lips for only a moment, remembering the way they felt pressed against mine. I wish I could kiss him again. “Is that why you never sent those letters?”
Cole’s nostrils flare while the icy blue of his eyes darkens with a violent storm. The muscles in his biceps and chest strain against the fabric of his shirt while he sucks in a sharp breath, trying to keep himself in check. I caught him off guard. “You know about the letters?”
I’ve done it now. Shattered the thin window of delusion standing between us, the one that kept us safely in the friend zone. I don’t feel bad. Last night put enough cracks into that window for us to know it would burst.
I hold his gaze.“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Cole knows exactly what I meant as he says, “Because I know you, Noelle. I know my life in the NHL would keep me away from you for far too long, that it would trigger all kinds of trauma inside that beautiful mind. Hurting you is the last thing I want—I’d rather stay unhappy forever than have even a shot at hurting you.
I almost did it, though. Once. In a stupid, pain-hazed moment.
I had it all figured out—I’d write a really good letter, get bouquets and chocolates and everything you like, and I’d confess no matter how broken I was. But when I moved back here to do it…”
When he moved back to Sleighbell Springs I was already in a relationship, trying to get over him.
I shake my head. “Any one of those letters would have been enough to get me to see you—see us—for what this really is. You could have still told me.”
“You were with him. You were in love. Who am I to get in the way of that?” Cole’s eyes soften when he cups my cheek in the palm of his hand, his warmth almost intoxicating.
“I spent so many nights dreaming of holding you like this, spent years waiting for you to see me as more than a friend. I would have waited forever if I had to. When it comes to you, I can’t be selfish.
I’d do anything to make you happy, even let you go. ”
I swallow hard against the stabbing lump in my throat. Everything I have ever wanted lies at my fingertips, but I’m too scared to get burned. I’m too scared to lose him.
“Cole, I…” I shake my head, trying to fight against the tears burning in my eyes. “I can’t lose you.”
“You’re not losing me, Honey. Ever. You can’t—you’re the beat in my heart, the blood in my veins.
You’re part of me, so I will always be with you.
” His thumb strokes gently along my cheekbone, wiping at the tears that fall.
“I know you’re scared we won’t work out, because that’s all you’ve ever known.
But I’m telling you, we won’t be like them.
We will have the happily ever after you read about in your books.
If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. Nothing has to be decided right now, or anytime soon.
I’ll wait as long as you need. Because this, what we have… it’s worth waiting for.”
His face is blurry when I look through my tears, that magnetic pull between us stronger than I’ve ever felt it.
All my life I thought love was real for only a few lucky souls, that the rest of us were doomed to meaningless flings and star-crossed relationships.
But Cole is right. What we have beats anything I have ever felt, anything I’ve seen in other couples.
It’s overwhelming and all-encompassing and it’s real, so fucking real.
My words are swallowed by my racing thoughts. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings, not in the way he is without knowing. But there is one thing I can do, something that can come close enough to speaking the words that evade me now.
Last night, I told him not to fuck me if it didn’t mean anything to him. Now it’s my turn to prove it.
I lay my hand over his beating heart, steady and all mine, and drag it up to his neck. When I pull him down for a kiss Cole seems to read my mind, wasting no time as he plucks me off my seat and into his arms, taking the stairs two at a time.
He gently drops me on the bed, his clothes off within seconds along with my pants before he plants his palms on either side of my head.
His lips work the skin on my neck, his heavy breathing speaking to his arousal. “Tell me what you want.”
“I want—” I gasp when his hand dips under my hoodie to tease my nipple. “—to taste you.”
“Fuck,” Cole groans. “You’re killing me, Honey. I don’t think I could last in your pretty mouth.”
I grin, feeling his struggle in the pulsing cock pressed against my panties. “I don’t care if you come the second you touch my tongue. I just want to make you feel good.”
“You always make me feel good,” Cole says.
I shrug. “Indulge me. Let me show you how I feel.”