Epilogue
EPILOGUE
ALEX
T hree years later.
“Ready for this?” Connor laced his fingers between mine.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? I’m not the one who’s about to watch his son get married.”
He smiled, looking a little overwhelmed at the prospect. “Well, just don’t judge me if I cry, okay?”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Good. And I meant, are you ready to meet my ex-wife?”
My teeth snapped shut. Oh. Right. I was meeting her today, wasn’t I? Probably, like, now .
“Uh. Yeah.” I cleared my throat. “Yeah. Sure.” I laughed self-consciously. “Why am I more nervous about meeting her than I was about meeting your parents?”
“You tell me.” He elbowed me gently, then kissed my cheek. “I’m sure it’s a little weird. Her boyfriend seemed like a nervous wreck over meeting me, though, so maybe it’s normal?”
“Works for me.” No, I really couldn’t explain my nerves, or the ex-wife’s boyfriend’s nerves. I was just nervous.
I stuck close to Connor today, not wanting to get overwhelmed by the sea of unfamiliar faces. It also didn’t hurt that I loved being close to him, especially when we hadn’t seen each other in almost three painfully long months. And what could I say? I kind of wanted to thank Quinn and Savannah for asking everyone to come in civilian attire; as hot as Connor was in his dress whites, he was sexy as hell in that tuxedo. Goddamn.
I was introduced to some other family members, and I got hugs from Quinn, Savannah, and Landon. Connor’s parents seemed happy to see me again, so maybe I’d made a good impression when we’d spent last Christmas with them. I’d never met a boyfriend’s parents before, so what did I know?
And then… there was the ex-wife.
I’d missed the rehearsal dinner because my flight had been delayed, so I hadn’t been able to meet her last night, but I was meeting her now. Even before Connor pointed her out, I’d guessed who she was from across the room. She was a little shorter than Connor with blonde hair, and I could suddenly see where Landon had gotten his hazel eyes.
As we approached, she turned, and she put on what seemed like a genuine smile. She and Connor exchanged a quick hug, and then he turned to me. “This my ex-wife, Aimee, and her boyfriend, Paul.” Touching my back, he said to them, “This my boyfriend, Alex.”
The three of us shook hands.
Aimee smiled. “We’ve heard a lot about you. The boys and Savannah have had nothing but good things to say.”
I laughed nervously. “Okay, good, because I paid them not to repeat the bad stuff.”
She and Paul laughed. Beside me, Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head, but he was smiling.
We sat beside Paul and Aimee during the ceremony. That didn’t surprise me; Connor and Aimee had been working hard to keep things friendly, especially while their son was planning his wedding. While they weren’t BFFs, they got along like two people who met up at their class reunion after a decade or two—they talked comfortably, and after this was over, they’d go back to living their separate lives until there was a reason to cross paths again.
What did surprise me was after the ceremony when Quinn and Savannah wanted Paul and me in some of the family pictures. Of course they did several with just Quinn’s parents, and Aimee and Connor were amicable enough that it didn’t seem awkward or uncomfortable for anyone. I just hadn’t expected the couple to ask his parents’ respective boyfriends to join in. They even took a few with just Connor and me, and just Aimee and Paul.
The ceremony and photos were a blur of activity, but then we were finally settling in for dinner. Even the bride and groom seemed happy to have a reprieve; I was overwhelmed by everything, so they must’ve been worn ragged by now.
As we ate dinner at the reception, I stole the opportunity to just enjoy being near Connor. We didn’t get to see each other often these days. Not in person, anyway. I’d long since retired, which had taken a ton of pressure off us. Now if we got caught together—oh fucking well.
The complicated part was that when my active duty ended, so did my assignment to Rota. Shortly after my retirement, I’d moved back to the States.
We’d known that was coming, and we’d been ready for it. We both had plenty of experience living apart from loved ones for months at a time, but I couldn’t lie—it was hard. Turned out living on different continents was orders of magnitude harder than sneaking around in the same town. I jumped on military flights as often as I could. Connor took leave back to the States as often as he could. Still, we could only see each other once in a while. We went weeks or even months at a stretch with only FaceTime for company.
Every chance we had, though, we were in the same place. His command knew about us now. Captain Tucker had apparently side-eyed him after she’d run into us during one of my visits, and she’d asked how long this had been going on. He’d blandly answered that it hadn’t started until after I was out of the Navy. We’d finally been able to be friends, we’d stayed in contact after I’d left, and one thing had led to another.
Connor had laughed when he’d told me about her skeptical expression. She probably knew, but there was no proof we’d fraternized before I was discharged, so there was nothing she could do. So far, it hadn’t had any noticeable effect on his evaluations, and she hadn’t said anything further. Likely because by that point, she’d been starting her own retirement process, so her give-a-damn had probably already bailed. Assuming she’d had any left after dealing with the clusterfuck that was getting rid of Tobias.
With Isidoro’s statement alongside mine, not to mention several other American and Spanish guys who’d made statements, Tobias’s career as a civilian contractor was over . Last I heard, he’d moved back to California and was living with family, relying solely on his Navy pension because no one would hire him. Rumor had it he’d also been banned for life from ever setting foot in Spain again. Possibly even the EU. I wasn’t sure if that was true or just wild scuttlebutt, but it was satisfying, so I chose to believe it.
Now Tobias was out of the picture. I was out of the Navy. Connor and I were out of the closet. The Navy couldn’t touch us.
Unfortunately, more often than not, we couldn’t touch us either because of that stupid ocean between Europe and North America.
There were times when I was still sure Connor would get tired of it; the exhausting secrecy had given way to frustrating distance, and how long was he going to put up with that just so he could be with me?
The whole situation was further complicated by him making commander. He wasn’t required to stay on active duty, but after a promotion, it was generally expected that he’d put in another three years at his new rank. At this point, he might as well try for captain, and if he made captain, stay in and retire at thirty years for the higher pension.
The Navy wasn’t going to be out of the picture any time soon.
Every time I saw him or even talked to him online, there was a knot of worry tucked in the back of my mind. Would this be the trip where he finally decided he’d had enough? Was he coming to see me so he could tell me in person that we were done? Was he planning to have me stay with him for a couple of weeks, and then tell me at the airport that this would be the last time? Would this FaceTime call be the one where he shook his head and explained that it was just too much? As the months went on, I thought that would get better, but it had only gotten worse. He said he loved me and this was worthwhile. He was only human, though. Sooner or later…
So just do it yourself and stop stressing over it.
I’d always dismissed that thought as soon as it came. Maybe it made me a masochist, but I wanted to enjoy this ride all the way to the end, even if I did worry the whole way.
That worry was present and accounted for tonight, but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t dump me at his son’s wedding. So, I was just going to enjoy the wedding. Enjoy my boyfriend’s company. Watch him smile with all that love and pride as he watched his son getting married.
This didn’t have to be forever. Right now, it was perfect.
He introduced you to his parents, idiot.
And his ex-wife.
At his son’s wedding.
Maybe he doesn’t really have one foot out the door?
There was that. And maybe eventually I’d stop worrying so much. But even after he’d made it clear what lengths he was willing to go just to be with me, it was hard to let go of that lifelong certainty that I wasn’t someone people prioritized.
“He could have anyone he wants,” I’d said during a recent televisit with my therapist. “It’s just hard to imagine someone like him jumping through all these hoops for…” I’d gestured at myself.
“I think the issue here is less about Connor,” she’d replied, “and more about your self-esteem and self-worth. People in your life have convinced you you’re not worth the effort. The difficult part is learning to listen to people who say you are worth it.” With a confident smile, she’d added, “That’s something we can work on.”
We had, too, and we’d made a lot of progress. But what could I say? Old habits died hard, especially when it came to being with this amazing man. The worry that this would be the visit or that would be the call where he’d finally drop the hammer was intense, but it was getting better. I suspected that was the result of therapy as well as Connor still showing up, time after time, as if he really did think I was worth it.
Maybe to him, I was.
I took his hand under the table, and he glanced at me. He’d already been smiling, listening to Savannah’s maid of honor giving a speech, but the expression turned to one of affection and fondness that I swore was just for me. I returned it, and we both shifted our focus back to the woman with the microphone.
Though there was still a lot of work left to be done, therapy had done a lot to settle me into this relationship. It had also done wonders for my PTSD. My therapist specialized in trauma for veterans and first responders, and over time, we’d worked through some of mine. She’d started me on a medication to help with anxiety, and the difference had been night and day. It wasn’t a magic cure-all, but it helped with the nightmares and the occasional panic attack.
I also hadn’t realized just how much anxiety I’d had on a daily basis. I’d always thought I was pretty chill and relaxed, but once the meds took hold—holy shit. I suddenly realized how much low-grade anxiety I’d always had in the background, as if I were constantly on edge, waiting for a panic attack to hit me out of nowhere. Between the prescription and the coping methods, not to mention our sessions digging apart my trauma, I was starting to feel close to normal again. Normal enough that I could function, anyway.
She’d also helped me dig into some of the issues with my family. That was tricky—we had a pretty good relationship, and I’d been afraid to jostle that by bringing up something that was bothering me. With her help, though, I finally had. I’d gently explained to my parents that it hurt how little they came to see me. My sister had been upset over that, demanding to know why I thought they should give up a visit to their grandkids to come see me, even though that wasn’t what I’d suggested at all. In her mind, taking the time and spending the money to visit me meant cutting into time and money that would be spent visiting her and her kids. She and I were low-contact for the time being while we slowly ironed that out.
My parents and brother had been more receptive, fortunately, and we were steadily working on things. They’d come to visit me earlier this year—my parents as well as my brother and his large family—and we’d all had a great time. My dad even admitted he regretted not coming to see me in Spain, both because they’d missed the chance to see Spain, and because they’d missed my retirement ceremony.
It was progress. I’d take it. Maybe my sister and I would someday end up back on the same page too.
For the time being, I was living in Corpus Christi. It hadn’t been my first pick, but the cost of living was low enough that I could live off my Navy pension while I worked a civilian job at the naval hospital. I was also using the GI Bill to go to school and get all the certifications necessary to work as a radiology tech in the civilian world. After I graduated next month, I could figure out where to live in the long term.
I stole another glance at Connor.
Is it too much to hope that I’ll live with you someday?
Maybe. And all those nagging voices jumped in to tell me all the reasons it would never happen, but a calmer voice chimed in to remind me that Connor was here, I was here, and he’d wanted me here. That was a good sign, and I should take it as such.
I had to fight a smile as hope pushed some of that habitual worry aside.
Damn. Therapy’s working better than I expected.
Life was good, even if the long-distance thing was tough.
That distance wasn’t an issue tonight, though. We were both here, and after the wedding was over, we’d have a week to spend together before we had to return to our respective jobs.
Dinner wrapped up, and then there were the usual trappings: cutting the cake, the bouquet and garter tosses, and the first dance. We all laughed when Savannah’s bouquet snagged on a chandelier before tumbling into the outstretched arms of one of her bridesmaids. Landon pretended to be exasperated over his girlfriend’s excitement that he’d caught the garter, but we all saw right through him. Everyone but her knew by now that he’d already bought a ring.
Connor was all smiles as he watched Quinn dancing with Savannah, and then sharing a dance with his mother. If there was still any animosity between Connor and his ex-wife—and I didn’t think there was much, if any—they kept it well beneath the surface. He even mentioned her in his toast, saying how proud they both were of their son and how thrilled they were to be welcoming Savannah into their family. They may not have been post-divorce besties, but as ex-spouses went, they did all right.
And then…
Then Connor took my hand, smiled, and tipped his head toward the dancefloor. I froze for a second, disbelieving he really wanted to do this.
He wanted to dance with me. At his son’s wedding.
I let him lead me out onto the floor, and suddenly there we were, his cheek against mine as we moved with a song I couldn’t hear over my racing heart.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “I know it was a hassle to get here, but… I’m glad you came.”
“Me too.” I drew back enough to meet his gaze. “I wouldn’t have missed it.”
His smile was so damn sweet and cute. “Is it just me, or is it still a novelty that we can do things like this openly now?”
I laughed, my head spinning. “No, it’s not just you.”
“Okay, good. So I’m not crazy.”
“I didn’t say that.”
Connor rolled his eyes, then kissed me lightly before resting his cheek against mine again. I sighed happily and enjoyed the moment. Holding him. Touching him. Being out in public with him.
Being so ridiculously in love with him.
And just like I had so many times over the past three years, I sent up a little prayer that this really did have some staying power.
Is it too much to ask for this to be forever?
As more guests crowded onto the dancefloor and the music turned to something faster and louder, Connor leaned in and whispered, “I could stand to get away from all this noise for a bit. How about you?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
We let the bride and groom know we were stepping out for a few minutes, and then we slipped out of the ballroom and onto the walk along the James River. As soon as we were outside, we both released long breaths. I didn’t need to ask if he was as relieved as I was, and I couldn’t even say for sure if this was our PTSD or if the noise and activity would’ve been overwhelming anyway.
Whatever. Being out here was a relief. That was all that mattered.
Across the water, the Norfolk waterfront was lit up and buzzing with Saturday night activity. Here in Portsmouth, things were quieter aside from the wedding reception. My ears were still ringing a little, but this helped. So did the cool breeze; I hadn’t even realized how stuffy the reception hall had gotten.
“Oh, man.” I exhaled. “It’s so nice out here.”
“Right? I was having a blast, but…” He waved at the reception hall. “I needed some air.”
“Same.”
He gently bumped his shoulder against mine. “And a little one-on-one time with you.”
I laughed, bumping him back. “So the one-on-one time we had last night and this morning didn’t count?”
“I didn’t say that.” He grinned. “I’m going easy on the champagne tonight because I’m hoping there’ll be more of that one-on-one time when we get back.”
I shivered. Seeing each other as rarely as we did, we were almost insatiable in the bedroom whenever we were in the same place. I loved it. “Guess I should go easy on the champagne, too.”
“If you want to get railed in that shower again…”
I bit my lip. “You’re such a tease.”
“Nah.” He drew me closer, and just before he kissed my cheek, murmured, “Teases don’t follow through.”
“Goddamn…”
He laughed wickedly. Then he found my mouth, and oh, my God, I was never going to get tired of the way he kissed. I wrapped my arms around him, and we just stole that long, quiet moment for a gentle kiss. It was still novel, being able to do this out in public, just like when we’d danced inside. We still had to be as cautious as any queer men were in public places, but we didn’t have to worry any longer about the Navy catching us. In fact, we were in full view of at least two ships in dry dock across the river. I doubted anyone aboard could see us, or would care if they did, but I still enjoyed the lack of worry on our part.
When Connor broke the kiss, he held my gaze for a moment. Then he dropped his and shifted it toward the water, some unspoken thought in his eyes.
“Hey.” I put my hands on his waist. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I…” He licked his lips. Then he gently took my hand off his waist and laced our fingers together. “I, um… I wanted to ask—are things still going good with your therapist?”
That was what he wanted to talk about right now?
“Um. Yeah. She’s…” I pushed out a breath. “She’s been amazing.”
“Good. Good, I’m glad.” He gazed out at the water with a thoughtful expression I couldn’t quite read. Then, speaking softly, he asked, “Does she do televisits regularly? Or just when you’re out of town?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like if you didn’t stay in Corpus Christi, could you still see her?” He turned to me. “Virtually?”
“I… Yeah, I think so? She said she has patients who are fully virtual for various reasons.” I tilted my head. “Why?”
He swallowed. “Because I don’t want to ask you to give up your therapist. She’s obviously been great for you, and I wouldn’t want to take that away.” He looked in my eyes. “But would televisits with her be enough?”
Puzzled, I half-shrugged. “I don’t see why not. But… why?”
“I was just thinking…” He took a deep breath and gripped my hand a little tighter. “It would be a lot harder to see her in person if you came to Spain with me.”
I blinked. “If I came to… Like if I moved to Spain?”
He nodded. “And wherever the Navy sends me next.”
I stared at him. “But… I mean, I can only—I can’t get a visa and the Navy won’t move me or my stuff unless we’re… married.”
My own words made my heart stop.
So did the way he smiled. “I know—that was my next question.”
“Your…” My jaw went slack. “Are you…”
“Yes. I am. I miss you. And I love you. And I want us to be together—full stop.” Still gripping my hand, still holding my gaze, he went to one knee. “Will you marry me, Alex?”
For a couple of heartbeats, I couldn’t even breathe. Was this real?
But the earnestness shining those beautiful dark eyes said that, yes, this was real. Connor really was proposing to me.
I managed a quiet laugh as my own eyes welled up, and I nodded. “Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I will.”
The way he smiled—oh God. This really was real, wasn’t it?
Then he was on his feet and his hands were on my neck, and he pressed the softest, most tender kiss to my lips, and I almost cried.
He really wanted this. All that sleep I’d lost, thinking he’d eventually decide I wasn’t worth the effort, and now… this.
He wanted a future. With me. He wanted forever with me.
I touched my forehead to his. “I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.” He brushed his lips across mine. “And I don’t care if we do a big shindig like Quinn and Savannah, or if we do it at a courthouse on a Tuesday afternoon.” He ran his thumb across my cheekbone. “I just want you as my husband, and I want you on the same side of the ocean as me.”
“Me too,” I whispered shakily. “And I don’t care about the venue either. But… the sooner the better?”
I had a split second to irrationally worry that would put him off, but his eyes lit up and he kissed me again. “How long are you in town?”
“Six days.”
“Think that’s enough time?”
Holy shit. Were we… Was he…
“You really want to do this?” I drew back and met his sparkling eyes. “Get married like… now?”
“I’m in if you are.” He sobered a little and glanced toward the reception we’d left. “Or… maybe not quite that soon. I don’t want to overshadow the kids.”
“No, of course not. But soon?”
“As soon as possible. We can always do something quick—maybe in Gibraltar when you come visit after you graduate?”
My heart fluttered. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s do that! Then we can have a reception or something later. So the family can be there.”
His smile was the best thing in the world. I didn’t give a damn if we did this next week or next year. Connor wanted to marry me. He wanted this for real. That was all I cared about.
“Obviously we’ll keep this between us for now.” He tilted his head toward the reception. “Since it’s their day.”
“Of course.” I grinned. “We’ve kept secrets before, so…”
His quiet laugh lit up the whole night. “Yeah, but this one won’t be quite such a disaster if it comes out.” He half-shrugged. “I just don’t want to steal the kids’ spotlight.”
“No, definitely not.”
His laugh turned to a soft smile as he caressed my cheek. “I wasn’t even going to do it tonight—I left your ring in the room—but… I don’t know.” He kissed me gently. “Just didn’t want to wait any longer.”
Wrapping my arms around his neck. I said, “I think we’ve both waited long enough.”
“Yeah.” He pulled me in close. “I think we have.”
Then his lips were on mine, and my entire world had never been more perfect than it was in this moment.
Somehow, this man had thought I was worth all the hassle and secrecy of our first year and a half, and the headache of a long-distance relationship ever since. Somehow, we’d weathered all of that, and now he wanted me with him forever.
Maybe it had taken us longer than most to find each other.
But as I held my new fiancé close beside the glittering river, a future laid out in front of us against all odds…
I knew without a doubt that this man had been worth the wait.