22. Connor
CONNOR
EARLIER THAT MORNING
Itry to not think about it. About her. But when I wake up Thursday morning, the day she’ll be going out with Jake, my mind screams, don’t let her go on that date.
Once I’m in my office, captive and bored, it’s harder to fight the urge to contact her. Still, I try to logic myself out of the compulsion. Don’t bug her. She can go on any date she wants. Do your work and chill the fuck out.
It’s a struggle all day. Back and forth.
Jealousy and the fear of losing my shot butting against reason.
The official trigger happens when Grace comes into my office at 5:30 and asks, “Can you talk to Eden about…” It’s like I black out what she’s really asking about.
Instead, I take it as a sign.
I’m going to talk to Eden.
I’m in my car fifteen minutes later, headed to Tolliver. Even the rush hour traffic doesn’t curtail the consuming need to stop this fucking date.
Except.
Except.
“I’m not going to dinner with Jake. I turned him down.”
There was never a fucking date. She turned him down.
Holy fuck. When she tells me that, standing in this sterile dorm lobby, looking so cute in her beat-up shorts and thin US Soccer tee, time slows.
She turned him down.
There’s no date.
I can stop panicking.
Except that isn’t the only thing I want to do. With her standing in front of me, alternating between confused and dazed expressions, I realize I’m done fighting the inevitable…
Now I’ve got Eden in my passenger seat, and my heart rate is regulating.
“Where are we going?” Her voice is steadier than in the hallway.
“There’s that park near the Tolliver fields. Does that work?”
“Sure, nobody is there at night.”
Perfect. It’s only three minutes away, and I won’t have to stew in my thoughts much longer. “Tough about the draw earlier.”
“Oh, yeah.” She twists her head to me. “You checked the score?”
I nod. Her eyes widen briefly, and then she looks at her lap, tugging on her ring.
Maybe that’s from nerves—no surprise if so. I’m nervous, but I’m done pulling away from what feels right.
Once we’re parked a short bit later, she unbuckles her seat belt. “Do you want to talk in here or out there?”
“Let’s stay in the car. Just so we can speak freely.”
She shoots me a look. “That’ll be a welcome change.” Her voice has a vulnerability underneath the obvious irritation.
“What do you m—” Then my mind catches up to what she means. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been…off.”
“You’ve been hard to predict. At least since the Hot Beans meeting. I never know if I’m getting swoony, yearning Connor with the deep longing in his voice, or ice-cold businessman Connor who’s….” She puts her hands over her face. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have said all that.”
I reach over and gently bring her left hand down. “No, it’s okay. You’re right. I…haven’t handled things well. I’ve been conflicted. Constantly conflicted.”
“And now?” She drops the right hand. “How do you feel now?”
“I’m…I feel clarity.”
She gives me a second to expand, before prompting me. “Clarity about…”
“The internship, this position—it’s not what I want as my career. It’s great for now, but I don’t want to make major decisions around it.”
“Okay.”
“I need a job, I know. I don’t want to leave the internship early, necessarily. I just—I don’t want it to screw up other things.”
She stays quiet.
“I’ve always hated feeling out of control, and I’ve been struggling with how to reconcile the real-world factors with how much I want…” I stop, trying to find the right words.
“Connor, I’m not a mind reader,” she says softly after a moment passes. “You need to share what you’re thinking.”
I try again. “It’s not logical, right? I mean you’re a future doctor; I’m a data junkie. We’re science-driven, facts-driven.”
“Yes, sure.”
“We barely know each other, so this doesn’t make a ton of sense. But it feels like…”
After another period of silence, she prods me again. “Like?”
“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.” I spit it out almost like one word.
“Oh…” She gasps.
Was that a good gasp or a bad one? “I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but that’s the tru—”
“I’m not uncomfortable, Connor.” She must see some of the concern on my face, because she reaches over and puts her hand on top of mine. “I’m not.”
I attempt to calm down, though my gut is still churning. “Good. Good.”
“But what does that mean? Given everything else in the mix.”
I don’t miss that she didn’t state my confession wasn’t reciprocated. My hopes rise, and I plunge forward.
“I…I don’t want this internship to cost me you. Cost us a chance at being together.” Squeezing the left side of my seat out of her view, I ask the scariest fucking question of my life. “Do you want that?”
“A chance to see what this is between us, finally?”
“Yes.”
A smile slowly rises on her face. “I do.”
My heart tugs hard at those two words. She does. She fucking does.
In an instant, the unease in my gut disappears.
I didn’t lose my shot with her. Thank fuck.
She giggles. Shit, I guess I said that out loud.
“Sorry, I…didn’t know what would happen tonight.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” she replies, still smiling. “Good thing we both feel the same.”
My relief is overwhelming. Before I let myself get happy, I need to answer her earlier question, about what this means with all the other dynamics in our lives.
I hadn’t thought that far myself, coming here. A quick calculation now comes up with a predictable answer. My default solution—secrecy.
Hopefully she’ll be alright with that, because nothing else is coming to mind.
“I know it’s risky, but I…how do you feel about seeing each other, exploring this…but keeping everything secret for now?”
She swallows. “So you stay in your job and we hang out anyway?”
“Yes, but not only hang out. I want to take you on a date, Eden. Dates. I’m not…”
“Not…not what?”
Rolling the dice, I say the second scariest sentence of my life. “I don’t see this as casual, assuming you feel the same way.”
She bites her lip, but I spy a grin underneath. “Despite the night we had last year, I’m not a ‘no strings’ type of person normally. So, yeah, same…”
Okay. This is going…well.
She continues, “So we date, seriously, but in secret. I don’t have anything to lose, but you do. You could get fired? Mess up things with Milo? Are you sure you want to do that?”
“There’s no doubt in my mind.”
She grins broadly at my swift, confident answer. “I want to try then. It’s been quite a bumpy ride, but maybe it’ll be smooth sailing now.” She shakes her head, laughing. “I think I mixed metaphors—”
She’s so cute, I can’t help myself. I bring my left hand over to the back of her head, gently cradling it.
A split second later, I lean down and finally, for the first time in over a year, fucking finally, kiss her.
As soon as our lips touch, a moan escapes her mouth, an exhale of emotion. I feel something similar, as the rightness I’ve been chasing since we last kissed surges forward, settling in, like an ember pushing out a steady heat within my chest.
With the emotion circulating and the newness, I try to take it slow, melding our lips in light strokes. Her soft, warm mouth mirrors my movements, letting me lead. We’re testing the tether that seems to draw us to one another, and I try to stay gentle.
But when her hand grips my bicep, it’s a cue to stop restraining myself, and I crash our mouths together.
A louder groan comes from her throat, and I dip my tongue between her parted lips as she squeezes my arm harder.
I want more of her noises, but I’m the one who ends up whimpering as she takes a turn at nipping my lips.
The kiss evolves into a confident exploration, both of us becoming more adventurous. I start getting hard—nothing to do about that right now—and distract myself by cupping my hand on the back of her neck, pulling her closer. Her tongue meets mine, our upper bodies inching closer after every beat.
Her taste is so sweet, the kiss so perfect, I start to lose myself in the moment. All that matters is her, her pleasure, this attraction I can finally let loose.
Only an ambulance’s blaring siren in the background brings me to the present. A reminder that we’re in a car, in public, in the middle of the Tolliver campus.
Shit. I stop the kiss and pull away slightly, placing a peck on the top of her forehead.
“Mmmmm, that was nice.”
“It was…” She looks blissed out.
“Sorry to stop. It was the last thing I wanted.” Truth.
“It’s okay, we’re in public—oh wait, what time is it?”
“Almost eight.”
She eases into the seat. “Oh good, I’m supposed to go out with the team tonight. I still have tons of time to get ready.”
“Yeah, we can get you home.”
Her eyes flick up to mine. “It’s at Jake’s house, to be totally transparent. But I have zero interest there.”
As I stare at her lips, puffy and red from our kissing, I don’t have a concern in the world about this other dude anymore.
“I know.”
“Good.”
I get the car started, and when we reach her dorm a few minutes later, the sidewalks have steady traffic. No kisses goodbye then, shit.
But there’s something else I can do before she takes off.
“Are you free Saturday night? Can I take you out?”
A big smile is my reward. “That’s perfect. We don’t have a Sunday game this week. Text me tomorrow?” I nod. “Oh, and forget you ever saw me in these raggedy old shorts, please.”
“Too late, they’re already imprinted in my mind.”
“Dang it,” she jokes as she gets out of the car.
I admire the view of her walking away in those well-worn little shorts before she closes the dorm door behind her.