46. Connor
CONNOR
Grace’s working from home today, since some repair person is coming to look at their dishwasher. A fucking blessing, despite the appliance trouble. I’d hate to have this conversation in the office, under Milo’s scrutiny.
When I arrive, she leads me back into their family room. It’s enormous, with four TV sets, and enough square footage to outsize my new apartment.
“Let’s sit here. The gate attendant will call me when the appliance repairman gets to the development.”
This is all a far cry from our middle-class upbringing in Alabama, and I know Johnson was raised like us. Good for them, though.
“Sounds fine. This is…this isn’t going to be easy, Gracie—I have something I’ve been keeping from you.”
I take a deep breath and go through everything. Shock consumes her face, and then, fuck—anger.
“Why in the world would you do this? Risk your job? Lie to me and the rest of our family?”
I crack my jaw, then look down at my white knuckles, clenched in fists. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to jeopardize your job.”
“I’m not worried about that, Connor. My job is fine. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
I return my gaze to her. “I—I don’t know what to say. Other than Eden…”
“She’s special to you.” I nod. I can at least admit that. “I get it. But that doesn’t make it okay to lie.”
“I’m…I wish I hadn’t. Not to you.” Hindsight is 20/20, but now I’m playing out in my head how much better it would’ve been if everyone knew under different circumstances. Where we had voluntarily come clean and asked for a way to make it work.
She takes a few breaths, studying me, before speaking. “I’m excited that you’ve found someone you care about.” Her tone is flat, though—she’s still irritated.
“It seemed easier to keep it secret while we were seeing if anything was there to pursue long term.” The words carry the power of being true.
She closes her eyes. “That sounds disturbingly familiar.”
Oh yes. She and Johnson, Landon’s best friend, dated in secret for a while before my brother accidentally found out the truth. I was a college freshman at the time, so I don’t know the details—but there’s got to be parallels.
“I…there were two months when we hid our relationship from everyone, as you know. Under the same theory. That it was simpler to date quietly and figure out if we had something real, before we rocked the boat.”
“With Landon.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
I stay quiet. Maybe if she filters my situation through her memories of that time, it will help smooth things over.
“So,” she finally says. “How did Milo leave it?”
“His offer of postseason employment is officially withdrawn. That’s pretty much it. He wasn’t unkind in the end.”
She looks over my shoulder, eyes unfocused.
I play with the tuft at the end of the cushion. “I guess it’s good I’ve gotten a foot in the door of the NFL.”
Her eyes snap back to mine. “Well, wait. Does Del know? What does he think?”
“That’s my next stop.”
“Jeez.” Her voice is fainter. “Hard day for you.”
“I earned it.”
“Rawley doesn’t know? Landon?”
“Nope.”
“This is crazy. You were living with Rawley until three weeks ago!”
“I’m not worried about him. About either of them. Just you, Del, and before, Milo.” I cock a brow. “I guess Landon will be happy about my extra motivation to stay in the NFL long term, now that I’ve lost the job offer.”
She half-heartedly laughs—only superficial amusement, but it’s progress.
“So are you telling Landon and Rawley now?”
I puff out air. So many considerations. “Can we…can you let me have some time to work out with Eden when we’ll make things official? I don’t even know how everything is going to land after all these conversations.”
She bites her lip. “Fine. Hopefully it will be okay with Del, and it’s a non-issue for the secrets to end. Report back.”
The conversation with Grace went okay, if not great. The best I can hope for is the same with Del. As I park at the Waves facility, I hold out hope he’ll have eased off the emotional reaction Eden reported.
My optimism is proved unfounded, however, as soon as I walk into his office. His voice is stony, and the anger pouring off him seems firmly directed at me.
“Connor. Sit down.”
“Yes, okay. I’m so sorr—”
“I don’t want to hear apologies right now. My daughter told me enough. What I want to talk about is what comes next.”
His voice leaves no room for debate. But I’m unsure what he means. “Next?” Is he going to boot me off the practice squad?
“Next for Eden, and you.” He leans forward, arms on his desk.
What? “Del…Coach—I hope what’s next is more of the same, only now we don’t have to hide. I really care about her.”
“You care for her?” His voice is livid, so I’m not sure what he wants from me.
I go with honesty. “Yes, I do.”
“You care for Eden, except you made it so she has to lie to her parents?”
Fuck. I didn’t think of it that way.
“You care, yet you made her sneak around when she’s already overwhelmed by school and soccer?”
Shit. He’s…right.
“You care, yet you eat up her time during a period so challenging, she dropped her med school apps?”
Right again.
“Now my daughter is amazing. Incredible. I don’t think this situation has hurt her in any direct way.”
“No, I—I would never want to hurt her.”
He sits back. Maybe his venting, or my agreeability, calmed him down?
“I believe you.” Nope, despite those three words, he still sounds angry. “If you had hurt her, I don’t think I could stand the sight of you.”
“I…I understand.”
“Eden can make her own choices. Her own decisions. I trust her.”
Okay?
“But based on the position you put her in, I’m asking you to think hard. Are you really what she needs right now?”
I bring my hands to the side of my face and weigh all his points. Everything on her plate. The shit that got stirred up because I suggested we date in secret.
The honest answer is I’m not sure. Shit.
My chest clenches at the thought of losing her. After all we’ve gone through. Given how we seem to be exactly what the other needs. She’s what I need.
Am I being selfish? Am I fucking up her life?
No, no, no, I don’t want to be that person. I’ve screwed up enough with all this lying.
Del sighs. “I understand that you two like each other. I was… am angry at how you handled the situation, however.” His voice is still tight, but steady. “This was not the way to do it.”
I take the opening to be agreeable. “It’s okay—I know it’s because you’re worried about her.”
“I am. Even though she’s an adult. You never stop worrying.”
“I…it’s understandable.”
“I hate this lying shit, Connor. From both of you.”
I don’t have a good response to that, and we both fall quiet. My hands drop to my lap, and my palms leave a moist residue on my legs.
“I should’ve had this conversation outside of the office. Just to confirm, this has nothing to do with your position here.”
“Oh, I—okay, Coach.”
I guess that’s good to hear, but I’m stuck on his question. Am I adding to Eden’s life? Making it better? Or making her life worse? Making it harder, more complicated?
“You can go. I’ll see you at practice tomorrow.”
I nod and walk out, occupied with my thoughts. What am I going to say to Eden now? Because it physically hurts to think about breaking up with her, but shit, what is the right thing to do?