Chapter 38
LAVENIA
“Where is Fox?” I asked the selkie currently serving as my guard. He had listened to Estri’s orders on Fiona’s ship and been the one who tossed Mairin over the side. Not a good start to our relationship, I had to admit. His disdainful stare did little to improve it. “Pink, very tiny in her seaborn form, quiet, servant to the Sea Queen?”
“I have almost earned my pendant. I will not jeopardize that by answering your questions.”
I watched him with narrowed eyes. He’d been kind enough to take his more humanoid form—had even wrapped a cloth around his waist for modesty. But, it didn’t matter. If he had planned on being useless to speak to, I might have preferred his seaborn form.
“You have to earn it?”
“Yes. I would like to see the land so as to better appreciate what I have here.” It sounded like he had the words memorized.
“You have two legs—now, anyway. Why can’t you just go like this?”
“The sea will not allow it.”
“What? How can—that doesn’t make sense.”
“I must earn Her Majesty’s trust. Then the waves will part and allow me to visit the land. Otherwise, the current would just drag me back. It is the same if I were to lose my pendant while on land. The sea wouldn’t welcome me without it.”
“And you want to leave that badly? That you’d do her bidding without question?”
He only turned wide eyes toward me. Shoulders slumping, he bowed his head. But he did not speak, holding a finger to his lips.
Perhaps they were all stuck here.
“Where is Foxglove?” I whispered.
He ignored me and left once more. I wondered what would happen if I followed him, but I hadn’t quite worked up the nerve. Between him and the sallow-faced merrow from the night of the ball, I had grown to miss the lovely, pink friend of mine desperately.
Estri still hadn’t given me back my pocket of air over a week later, and I hadn’t left my chambers. Truly, I hadn’t realized the lack of gravity could be so torturous. It was incredibly difficult to fall asleep whilst floating.
Smokkar’s words had repeated in my mind for days, and I was certain I’d be thrown into that lifeless coral cell at any moment. I’d done nothing wrong, but Estri was clearly unhappy with me. I wished she would just do whatever she wanted to do and get it over with. But perhaps Estri was more creature than human. Maybe she still had a natural inclination to toy with her prey. But, even if that were the case, as long as she didn’t withdraw her armies from my brother, I hadn’t failed.
What did that mean in the grand scheme of my life? I hadn’t failed him or Vesta, but had I failed myself?
Morosely, I wondered how my brother would react if I never returned. He couldn’t know that my time here wasn’t exactly willing. Even if he knew, there was nothing he could do. Though Rainier and Emmeline possessed vast divinity, it wasn’t as if they could empty the entire ocean to find me. Would they even bother? Though I loved and respected my older brother—and knew he felt that same love for me—would he risk war with Estri?
I hoped not. Even if only for my pride.
And besides, I’d done all this to help him win a war against Folterra. He couldn’t fight a war on two fronts. What if Declan attacked Lamera and moved on to Astana? What if I had been too late, or it wasn’t enough? As it was, there was a definite possibility I’d never see my brother again.
All I wanted to do was pace, but there was no such equivalent underwater. Instead, I found myself lingering beside my window, hoping for a glimpse of Foxglove. Of Smokkar. Of Mairin, even. But I hadn’t seen anyone I recognized in the alley between spires.
And I didn’t dare venture out alone. I’d seen various sharks and eels over the past few days that I had no desire to take my chances with.
But at what point would I have to act?
All I wished for was someone to speak to, someone to ask for advice, someone to lean on. But I’d never had that, had I? I thought I did with Mairin, and I might have been able to foster that with Emma one day, but it had always been me who provided that support. To my brother, to Dewalt, hell, even to Emma when she came back to us. I was too busy being a foundation for others; I hadn’t had time to ruminate over my lack of one. But beneath the sea, especially since my forced solitude, I’d had time in abundance.
I had only ever really had myself, and that had to be enough.
And as I saw a flash of divine light in the tallest spire, the one which I thought held Estri’s prisoners, I was strangely confident in my own abilities. I’d always been enough for everyone else; for myself, I could be more .
I could be clever like my mother, ruthless after my father, and as just as Rainier. But I could also be something none of them had ever been for me—reliable.
When my guard returned that evening with my meal, I’d have a plan, and I wouldn’t hesitate. The longer I did nothing, the more likely I’d be stuck. I decided I wasn’t willing to risk that.
“Where is Foxglove?” I asked the sallow-faced merrow, whose name I hadn’t bothered to learn. I turned Rhia’s comb in my hand. For whatever reason, I’d found comfort in the object. Though I was relatively defenseless, the sharp teeth of the tortoiseshell comb could do a small amount of damage to someone. Whenever I put it down, I felt myself growing anxious.
The merrow played with the pendant around his throat, a wry smile tipping up his lips. “What will you give me for my answer? A kiss or a wish?”
“Oh, fuck off,” I snapped, but when he bared those sharp teeth at me, I tried not to flinch. My grip tightened on Rhia’s comb. “Just tell me where she is? Please?”
“She’ll be back soon enough. As soon as she’s done healing, she will be the one cursed to deal with you once more. Don’t fear.”
“Healing from what?” I demanded, stomach churning.
He examined his nails, dark blue and sharp, taking his time. “A kiss or a wish?”
“I’m not kissing you. What do you mean, ‘a wish’?”
“You tell me something you wish for, Princess. That’s all.”
Glaring at him, I was sure there was more to it than that. “I’ve already told you; I wish to know where Fox is.”
“No, that is a wish of the mind. I want a wish of the heart.”
I threw my arms up, irritated when it made me bob in the water. There was nothing less threatening. The gauzy gown I’d been wearing had snagged and ripped in places, yet it still billowed upward, and I had to fight it out of my face. “I don’t know how to answer this. Just...just go away,” I said. My shoulders drooped. I hated giving up. I wanted to know where my only friend in this treacherous abyss was before I acted on my plan.
But merrows had become a terrifying legend for a reason. Used as threats against unruly children, merrows were rare and misunderstood. Many people didn’t even know they were real. I didn’t want to push this one into action. What if the stories were true? Perhaps Estri had encouraged the idea that merrows were vicious creatures—to protect her kingdom, to maintain control? I wasn’t sure.
“If a god came down, right this instant, and offered you anything , what would you ask for?” His tongue struggled over certain sounds, and I wondered if the seaborn had another language they preferred. Perhaps it wasn’t from disuse, as I’d suspected, but unfamiliarity with the common tongue.
“And what will you do with this information?”
“You can’t expect me to have decided that yet. For now, just having the knowledge is enough,” he replied. His powerful tail kept him upright, and the way it drifted in the water was distracting. I had to continually move my arms and legs in circular movements to stay upright. It was exhausting. Abruptly, I wanted to be done with him, but I still wanted answers. That seemed to be the normal state of things since arriving in Estri’s kingdom.
“Fine,” I sighed. What I wished for wasn’t something unheard of, and I wasn’t sure how he could use it against me. “Conviction. My heart desires conviction.”
“How so?” the merrow asked, tilting his head to the side. His hair was tangled, some of it wrapped in seaweed, and I watched as a tiny silver fish darted between the strands. I wondered if it stayed close, borrowing his body heat. His hair was a dark grey color, reminding me of the selkies who had boarded Fiona’s ship so long ago. It felt like a different lifetime.
“I have lived a life for other people, and I would like to know that my own path is right. I wish to have confidence and certainty.”
“In what regard?”
“In all ways, I suppose?” I offered, growing irritated. “How I spend my time, the things I value, the people I care about. I want to live a life without hesitation.” He watched me, dark green eyes assessing, and I squared my jaw. “Now, tell me about Fox. You’ve gained your wish as you wanted.”
“The stitches will be less painful for her soon, I suspect,” he said, back straightening. He slid his pendant up the chain around his neck, and I glimpsed his deadly teeth once more when he smirked.
“Stitches? From what? Did she hurt herself?”
“I suppose you could say that. It is her mouth. It will not open in its current state.”
“What in the gods’ name does that mean?”
“Well, Her Majesty has sewn it shut, of course.” Rendered speechless, my entire body froze. “Oh, I’m also supposed to tell you the Seaborn Queen desires your presence in her bed.”
“Are you mad?” He gave me a warning glance before I continued, and I thought it might have been a kindness.
Is she?
His eyes widened a fraction. “And I am to remind you of all you stand to gain if you join her.”
Unspoken, there was a threat in his words. If I didn’t join her, what did I stand to lose?
I let myself sink to the ground beside the window as he left, and I became lost in thought. A white fish no bigger than my thumbnail darted out of the coral wall. It twirled itself around my outstretched finger before swimming up the length of my arm and tickling my skin. I still couldn’t tell the difference between seaborn creatures and other inhabitants of the sea, but I hoped this one wasn’t a lecher, come to harass me under the guise of innocence. As the sounds outside my window quietened, I tried to conjure a more substantive plan.
What I’d come up with hadn’t been any good, and when I realized what had happened to Foxglove, my already limited faith lessened. I couldn’t stop thinking of the tiny shifter. By refusing the Seaborn Queen, could I somehow have brought her to further harm? I couldn’t stand the thought of it. As it was, by trying to comfort me, she’d had her mouth sewn shut. What would happen if I escaped? The selkie and merrow guards surely would be punished, though I couldn’t bring myself to care about them. But the sweet seahorse shifter did not deserve anything bad to happen to her because of me.
There was a message in her punishment. To warn me to not ask questions by bringing the poor thing pain. Otherwise, Estri could have just taken her voice like she’d done to Mairin. Sewing her mouth shut was a visible violence I couldn’t ignore. The Seaborn Queen had already mentioned my tender heart once before; she knew I wouldn’t tolerate an innocent’s pain on my behalf.
But what I couldn’t understand was what she was hiding. She was clearly powerful; her magick was near limitless. And if she could turn someone into a seaborn? I wasn’t sure what she couldn’t do. Her power was god-like, if true, but why would she need to keep it secret? It wasn’t as if people would come in droves to be turned into seaborn, and if they did, her power could obliterate them. Why the secrecy?
My curiosity plagued me, but not enough to risk my life.
Yet, my plan to find Mairin was all I had. As much as I detested the idea, I’d been good to her. She surely felt guilt over the events which had occurred, and I was beyond caring about using it against her. The bitch of a merrow had been eager to help me escape when I’d woken up in that cave—now it was time to see if she truly wanted to assist me.
With Mairin’s help, I could plot my escape. With or without my divinity, I could do nothing against Estri’s magick. I needed to be gone at the end of the moon cycle. The moment I could freely leave without her taking it out on my brother, I would do it. I refused to let myself die here.
A small part of me wondered if she’d go back on her bargain if I didn’t do as she asked or left without her permission. She was capricious, and I couldn’t anticipate her reaction. But, for all I cared about Astana and my people, I couldn’t bring myself to comply. At first, I’d considered it. But as I’d seen what Estri was capable of, what she was , I feared I wouldn’t survive whatever she wanted from me. I’d been a fool to think she was reasonable—after finding her daughters in a prison, likely stuck there for centuries, and knowing she could do something so cruel to Foxglove? Her malevolence had been made clear to me.
I felt like a coward.
It was selfish of me to plot my escape when it could endanger those I sought to keep safe in Astana; I couldn’t pretend the idea didn’t make my stomach churn with guilt. But I had never put myself before others in the past. Couldn’t I justify it in a life or death situation?
There was a solution, though, that I’d considered in fleeting moments of unearned confidence. If the Seaborn Queen were dead, things would be far simpler. I’d already been responsible for the death of a monarch in the past year; perhaps I could aid Mairin. I’d thought we’d had far more in common than we actually did, but I wouldn’t mind adding the murder of a parent to the list.
There would be no fear of retribution or withdrawal of her armies from Rainier’s forces if the Sea Queen was dead. The seaborn who seemed stuck, like Foxglove, could be free without consequences. Mairin had betrayed me, but I had to believe she wouldn’t be so stingy with pendants—not after she’d lost her own. As much as I despised the merrow for her selfishness, she’d make a decent ruler. The version of her I’d grown to care for wouldn’t be as monstrous as her mother.
And wasn’t that what many women strived for, in the end? To be better than their mothers? I knew I wanted to be better than Shivani. The version of Mairin I had come to know, the one I cared about, had tried to kill her mother. Was it for power or to rid the seaborn of their mercurial leader?
Suddenly, I remembered a conversation Mairin and I had when we were safe on our ship—before pirates and evil queens, before betrayals and my broken heart. She had spoken of a seaborn prophecy. She’d said that uniting the Three Kingdoms was only the start; the forestborn and seaborn would be united too. And for a brief moment, I let myself think of the hopeful little smile she’d worn when she’d spoken of it. Not everything said between us could have been a falsehood, I hoped. I didn’t think Mairin could have faked that desire for peace.
Perhaps killing the Seaborn Queen and putting someone like Mairin on her throne wasn’t the worst idea I’d ever had.
I waited for night—or what served as night at the bottom of the sea. My body had lost its rhythm, and we were far too deep for the light of the sun to reach us. I relied on my hearing instead. When it grew quiet enough outside my window, I would leave. The moonpearls which lit Estri’s kingdom never dimmed, but eventually, there would be less movement in the alley between my spire and the next.
It would never be truly empty, I knew. Without the sun to tell them when to start and end each day, it seemed that the seaborn came and went according to their whims. I just had to hope I wouldn’t see anyone who would stop me.
Or harm me.
I’d already figured out which direction to go, but I was taking a significant risk in trying to find Mairin. I only knew which way she’d headed out of the ballroom the week before, and that she was staying in her old chambers. I’d been eavesdropping on the merrows who traveled outside my window, and knew the royal tower was near the one which held the queen’s prisoners. My knowledge was limited, but I was sick of waiting.
Finally, when the sounds outside had quietened, and I’d waited nearly another hour after that, I knew I’d have to go or I never would.
Slipping my body over the edge of my window, I clung to the rock wall as I made my way down. Initially, I’d thought to swim straight across to the tallest spire where Estri’s prison was, but I’d watched enough predatory animals swim from the ocean’s floor at dreadful speeds to set upon schools of fish unawares. So, I’d have to make my way between the spires, staying low to the ground.
It was easy to drift down the rock wall, using my hands to pull me lower. I’d tied my dress around my legs so it wouldn’t float into my face, and I’d tied Rhia’s comb into one of the many wisps of fabric. There was no chance I’d leave behind my only potential weapon.
Finally, hidden amongst seaweed and between shorter rock formations, I pulled myself along the side of my tower. I avoided touching the barnacles growing on the rock, worried that a shifter might poke its head out of one and take me to Estri for punishment.
It was slow-going, dragging myself along as I kicked my feet to take some of the burden off my arms, but I grew tired quickly. Swimming required muscles I didn’t even know I had, let alone ones I’d used regularly. When I finally reached the space between spires, I hadn’t realized it was so close to a trench. I’d have to swim across the gap and hope there was nothing that would attack me from the dark beneath.
Gods, sometimes I wanted to laugh at my predicament. A year ago, I wouldn’t have guessed I’d be breathing underwater, using my awkward human body to get around a place designed for far more powerful beasts. Letting myself think of how I’d tell the tale to my brother helped calm my nerves, and with a deep breath I didn’t need to take, I pushed off the wall and glided over the trench. When I reached the next rock spire unscathed, I nearly cried in relief.
It wasn’t until probably a quarter hour later when I saw my first guard. I hadn’t expected it. He had short hair—unusual for a merrow—and wore a silver breastplate over his narrow chest. The trident in his hand had three deadly points, and it made me reach for Rhia’s comb. Untangling it from my dress, I clutched it tightly, carefully maintaining my hiding spot. Kneeling on an enormous rounded rock between a tall patch of seaweed and the twisting tower I’d dragged myself along, I was safe. The guard was positioned near where I needed to go, but angled away. As long as I made it across the gap, staying out of his field of vision, he wouldn’t see me. He floated in front of a window, turning regularly to assess his surroundings.
I waited, hoping he’d turn away just enough to make my life easier.
Desperate and about to give up, I thought of swimming upward until I no longer felt that cold, clenched fist around my divinity. If I could somehow compel a fish to go harass him, I’d have enough time to get across the alley which separated me from my path. Just as I was about to, the guard spoke to someone I couldn’t see.
He swam away, twisting and dipping low between two spires. He must have seen someone he knew or wanted to check into something he’d heard. I counted to ten, waiting for him to come back. It could have been my only chance to get across. Being able to compel a creature and use it as a distraction might have been safer but would’ve been far more difficult to do. Taking one more moment to check my surroundings, I positioned my feet on the large rock upon which I’d been kneeling, preparing myself to push off as hard as I could.
Just as I was about to launch forward, the rock moved beneath my feet. Twisting my body to look over my shoulder, I didn’t have a chance to scream as a giant turtle stretched its neck out and bit down on my foot.