Chapter 48
DEWALT
“Wake up, songbird,” I whispered. “Please, Nor.” I tugged at her shirt, indecisive about what to do. She was so cold, tiny crystals forming in the threads of her clothes. I hated the idea of doing it, but I would need to undress her myself if she didn’t wake. Considering how skittish she was, carefully arranging her nightgown the night before so I barely caught a glimpse of her ankles, I didn’t think she’d appreciate it. Thankfully, she stirred, pressing her face against my chest, and I sighed in relief. “Hanwen’s ass. You’re going to freeze to death.”
“You’re t-too loud,” she croaked, and even with the limited moonlight, I was positive her lips were turning blue. “Death is supposed to be p-peaceful.”
I snorted, but pulled at her collar anyway. She wiggled, a sharp knee nearly ruining my night further as it jabbed at the inside of my thigh. Nor didn’t bother opening her eyes, sinking down into the furs below us.
“I don’t think so, pigeon. Clothes off.”
She jerked her head away from me, and her eyes fluttered open. Awestruck, I noticed tiny shards of ice fall from her lashes. Even freezing, Nor was breathtaking. Propping myself up on an elbow, I began unbuttoning her shirt. I wasn’t sure exactly how getting her naked would distract me from the all-consuming urge to kiss her until I couldn’t fucking breathe, but it was a task that needed to be done. I frowned when my fingers slipped, still not quite warm enough to do anything so dexterous.
“Where are we?”
“Shelter,” I said. “Clothes.”
“F-fire?” she asked, gripping my hands in hers. She winced, releasing them quickly. The pressure probably hurt her freezing fingertips.
“Maybe f-f-f—” My entire body rippled in a shiver as I gritted out the words. “F-followed. No fire.”
She groaned in disappointment. I didn’t want to risk it, but if she didn’t get warm quickly, I’d have to light one. Letting her die was not a fucking option. The moon shifted, revealing our surroundings to her. Twisting in my arms to get a better look, I couldn’t help my smile as she stared in astonishment.
Wood arched in a dome overhead, meticulously bent and tied into shape, with a small hole in the center allowing the light in. Long grasses I’d gathered myself were woven between the wood, keeping us safe from the roaring wind. Though a faint scent of mildew persisted, the outpost had been well-stocked with plenty of furs and wood. A sound of longing tore up her throat when she saw the pile of firewood, and I knew the noise would make a home in my mind. Creeping out at night to gnaw on my lustful thoughts about her, it would become a persistent pest.
“Nor, focus,” I whispered. It was easier to speak through the shivering if I was quiet. Cupping her chin, I gently turned her to face me. Searching for clarity in those ever-changing eyes, fear tightened in my stomach as she stared up at me blankly. “I woke you so you’d be informed, but these wet clothes have to come off.”
Her full lips parted, and then she blinked quickly, sharp awareness pulling her out of a fog. She swallowed hard, nodding, before sitting up abruptly. “Right. Y-y-you’re right,” she said.
I exhaled, relief wobbly on my breath. “Do you need help?”
“Worry about your own c-clothes,” she snapped, and I couldn’t help my grin. The return of her wry disposition meant she was coherent, at least.
“Already d-done, pigeon. But I’m glad you want t-to see me naked,” I teased, rolling over to give her privacy.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d warmed up after taking off my wet clothes until she pressed her ice-cold hand to my spine.
“ If you keep calling me pigeon, I’m not sharing this blanket. Er, fur. I have never seen one so large, but I will keep it all to myself out of spite ,” she said, tone scathing in my mind.
I laughed, and it jostled a piece of ice loose from my hair. I winced as it slid down my back, gooseflesh following in its wake. Nor traced the movement with the tip of her finger, and it was too dangerous of a motion. Using my divinity, I decided to show her the creature whose hide we laid upon, distracting me from her touch.
Allowing myself to fall into it as well, I created the exact right shade of blue skies and tried to capture the shade of green-brown grass in this area of the plains. I swallowed hard when I realized just how similar it was to her eyes. Nor gasped as the vision took over, and she spread her hand wide on my back. In the field before us, a giant buffalo stood, quietly watching her. Huge, with brown, shaggy fur, the beast turned before plopping onto the ground.
“That is quite a f-fearsome looking cow,” she breathed, and I didn’t allow myself to laugh. It was shockingly endearing, her awe and confusion over the animal. I let the vision dissipate.
“Buffalo,” I said, grateful she couldn’t see my smile. “My village built these shelters for hunting season. This one was mine.”
She sighed, gently scratching my back with her nails, and I shuddered from her touch. “You built this one?”
“With my sister’s husband,” I said, and then I showed her another vision. Saski, hand protectively resting on her swollen stomach, barked orders at me and Magnus. He didn’t speak much of the common tongue at the time, only recently moved from Skos, and Nor laughed when she saw his bewildered expression in response to Saski’s rapid yelling. I imagined Nor’s face as she quietly watched a younger me pack mud on the outside of the earth lodge, spotting the herd we’d be hunting out on the horizon. Pure and open and kind, a small smile lifting the corners of her mouth, Nor was every good thing I’d wanted and didn’t have the courage to take.
After what had just happened, gods, did I want to be brave.
“That’s w-w-why s’not that c-cold,” she said, and I rolled over. It was cold as fuck, and her wet clothes were not helping matters. The shelter protected us from the wind, but little else. I’d warmed up a bit by being dry, but I knew the answer to our predicament was shared body heat.
“Clothes, Nor. Let me help,” I said, and balancing on an elbow, I began to unfasten her buttons. She didn’t stop me, thank the gods, only staring at my hands with rapt attention as they moved. Working quickly, I did my best to avoid touching her skin in case I decided warming her with my mouth would be more effective.
“Skies, I’m s-sorry,” she said, voice raw. Tracing my knuckle with her fingertip, she refused to meet my eyes.
“Why?”
“You h-had to jump in and s-save me,” she murmured.
“M-my fault. Should’ve caught up sooner,” I said, working on the top button of her shirt. When my careless hand swiped over the soft skin of her breast, I swallowed hard. “I’d prefer you avoid repeating it, but I’ll always come to your rescue.”
“Must s-save the h-helpless maiden,” she said, and she finally met my gaze. Upper lip thinning with the curve of her smile, her nearness was a taunt. Sleeping with her in my arms, fully clothed without a hint of skin showing, was difficult enough. Naked and starved for warmth?
Fuck me .
“They leave this p-part out of the stories. I’d have enjoyed them more if I knew the dashing knight—no, not dashing…” I said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Handsome and charming? Yes, that’s it. If I k-knew the handsome and charming knight would be rewarded with disrobing the b-beautiful and stubborn maiden?—”
“ Walt! ” she scolded, and I drew my hands away from her. She was aware enough to take her own clothes off. I knew, in the back of my mind, that this was a step she had to take on her own. Her chaste modesty was just one of the barricades the Myriad had erected for her, and it couldn’t be me who toppled it. With distracting thoughts on my mind and tenuous control of my instincts, I decided to slow the fuck down.
I shook my tension off with a laugh. “I’ll admit, this w-wasn’t how I imagined it.”
A pause. Both of her hands clutched her shirt, pulling it tight. “Imagined it, d-did you? T-taking my clothes off?” she asked, a haughty tone I hadn’t heard from her in a while sharply tugging the words out of her mouth.
Rolling onto my back, I stared up at the moon, a thin crescent only barely visible through the hole in the roof. I nodded, all humor wiped from my face. When I’d pulled Nor from that water, I’d decided to give her as much honesty as I could bear. It seemed now was as good a time as any to start. “For months.” A tiny gasp escaped her lips. “Don’t act as if you haven’t thought about it yourself, p-pigeon. Now, are you going to m-make me unfasten your breeches too?”
“Roll over,” she snapped, and a laugh erupted from me as I did what she said. She sat up, and I was attuned to every motion, every sound she made. Her stuttered breathing was loud in the dark, and she swallowed loudly.
“I c-can hear you agonizing,” I said.
“What’s that s-supposed t’mean,” she asked. Before I could reply, her wet shirt slapped onto the floor as she tossed it over me. I froze. She’d done what needed to be done, but the sudden awareness was staggering. The woman I’d been dreaming about for months was laying topless behind me. I bit down on my tongue, concentrating on what I’d been about to say.
“You don’t know what to do with the knowledge I’ve wanted you all along. It didn’t start at the t-tavern, Nor. And it didn’t start with that f-fake fucking kiss, either.”
“Then when?” she asked, and I tugged at the fur she’d dislodged from atop me as she undressed.
“I’ll t-tell you once you’re under here with me. I’m far too cold for confessions.”
And then she was a fumbling mess. Quick movements and harried grunts came from the fur behind me, and my brows rose over her eagerness. After a moment of struggling, I had to laugh.
“At this rate, I’ll never have to tell you.”
“You hush,” she said, and I snorted. “They’re stuck.” She wrestled with her water-logged pants for a few more moments before those went flying over my head as well. I shuddered as they dripped cold water on me, and I hissed when she threw her body beneath the furs. Frigid skin pressed against mine, and she slotted her knees directly into the backs of mine. After a moment of letting the shock wear off, I shifted, pressing my back against her.
“Let me hold you?” I asked, clearing my throat. It was different than when I’d asked the night before, a level of trust from her I didn’t know if I’d earned yet.
A thoughtful sound came from her, and her voice was clear, if a little quiet, when she said, “You don’t have to ask permission, Dewalt. I trust you.”
Heart in my throat, I flipped over and pulled her into my arms before she had a chance to change her mind. I kept my hips angled, not wanting to give her cause to pull away. “Hands under my arms,” I directed, bracing myself for discomfort. Adjusting her carefully, I pressed both of her feet between my calves, doing my best to provide warmth to her extremities. When she did as I told her, frigid fingertips trapped beneath my arms, I hummed in satisfaction. Smoothing her hair, I tucked her head beneath my chin, meticulous in how I allowed our bodies to touch. Despite the pressing urge to run my hands down her soft skin, to caress her breasts and pull one of her nipples into my mouth, I buried that instinct.
“It’s rare you do as I ask without being contrary. I should enjoy it while it lasts,” I said.
“I listen when it benefits me.”
“I’m always thinking of your benefit.”
“Was it my benefit you thought of when you dreamt of undressing me?”
I huffed a laugh. When had she grown so bold? Remembering how she’d accused me of wanting to rut her, I couldn’t hold back my grin.
“Oh, yes, songbird. Your benefit was my primary concern. I am nothing if not attentive,” I said.
“When?” she whispered after a moment, breathless.
She’d picked up right where we left off, clearly eager for my answer. This was a truth I’d barely admitted to myself, but I wanted to give it to her.
“The first time I saw you,” I rasped, lips brushing against her temple. “You broke down a door, fire blazing behind you, and made me feel inept. Disarming from the start, Nor.” When she didn’t move, body wound tight in my arms, I squeezed her against me. “I still don’t forgive you for getting sick down my back,” I whispered.
“Well, I don’t forgive you for the stench I was forced to endure in your presence,” she said, head jerking back as if to glare at me. I laughed, holding her even tighter, and pressed a kiss to the soft skin near her hairline.
“You threw an apple at my head, pigeon.”
“And you ate it!” She tugged a hand free to slap at my chest, but what she did after nearly unraveled me. If I wasn’t so aware of every place our bodies touched, I wouldn’t have noticed the soft swipe of her lips over my collarbone. Whether she’d done it intentionally or not, every muscle in my body tightened. Adjusting, I propped myself up on an elbow, hovering over her.
“Your beautiful singing was just as unforgivable.”
“I’m not sor?—”
“It wasn’t just the apple I wanted to devour that day,” I said, against my better judgment. If I wasn’t careful, I’d topple headfirst into something I couldn’t come back from.
“Walt! You can’t just—” She cut herself off. I counted her breaths, paying attention to how each one grew longer and calmer. She was talking herself down, attending to her reaction, and I regretted my words.
“Nor, I—” Certain I heard a sniffle, I stopped—moving, speaking, breathing. When Nor let out a wobbly breath, I didn’t know what to do. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s nothing you said. I’m s-sorry,” she said. “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
“Most people who are fine don’t need to repeat it that many times to convince themselves. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” she whispered, but when I tried to lift her chin to look at me, she rolled, giving me her back. I slid my arm out from beneath her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. My heart rested firmly in my stomach, knowing I’d pressed her too far with my honesty. “Wait, don’t…don’t move,” she said. “Please. I just can’t face you right now.”
She tugged my hand over her waist just as she wriggled toward me. The softer skin on the inside of my arm was on fire as it slid against her cool flesh. I jerked my hips away from her, trying to maintain as chaste an embrace as possible. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but her comfort was paramount. “Did I do something wrong?”
“I wish,” she muttered, pressing her back firmly against my chest, and I wrapped her tighter in my arms. “It would be easier.”
“What would be easier?”
“Resisting.”
Every muscle which had tensed and tightened relaxed, and I couldn’t help it as I nuzzled the back of her neck. “Nor, I have no expectations.”
“I know you don’t. It’s not your expectations I’m struggling with.” She sighed.
“The Myriad?”
“A bit. Mostly my mother. I—” she paused, breathing deep. “ ‘Woven in the stars, you were tenderly made to serve the gods.’”
“I don’t…I don’t follow. I’m sorry.”
“That’s what they tell us—novices. This would probably get me a month in the tomb,” she said, a soft chuckle falling from her lips.
“The tomb?”
She swallowed before clearing her throat. “I don’t know if it truly exists or not, but anyone who greatly dishonors the Myriad is sent to Lamera. There was a rumor…about a tomb. It might have just been a tale they used to keep us in line.”
“What the fuck is the tomb?”
She squeezed my hand, threading her fingers through mine.
“If I were found like this,” she started, “naked—beside another person? They’d send me to Lamera with certainty. The tomb is what it sounds like, I suppose. An obsidian prison to make a sacrifice for the gods. To prove we repent.”
“Do you know anyone who endured this?”
“Anyone who ever came back had taken the silent vow. I had a friend—she, she kissed someone. She might still be in Lamera.” The sorrow was clear in her voice. “It-it’s probably just a way to make us obey. I bet it isn’t real,” she said, shuddering. I opened my palm, rubbing my hand up her arm. Tender, I did my best to comfort her.
“You’re free from the Myriad,” I reminded her. “In truth, I wonder if Rainier will allow any of the temples to stand after everything is over. If he takes Lamera, the Seat will be the first to fall.”
“We helped people, Dewalt. It-it was certainly flawed, but there was still good. Plenty of us cared and wanted to help the people who came to pray. You would get rid of that?”
“I would get rid of anything that made you feel discomfort.”
She hummed, thoughtfully. “It’s my mind, anymore, that hurts me.” She laughed. “My shoulder too.”
Twisting to reach for my pack behind me, I fished for her salve in the depths of my bag. Unfastening the cork, I scooped a bit of the cream onto my fingertips. The shoulder which pained her was the accessible one, and when I rubbed the herbs into her skin, she groaned. The scars went down her arm farther than I realized. But, I focused on the parts I knew troubled her before wrapping my arm over her waist once more to hold her hand.
Gods, she made me soft. I didn’t think I’d ever held anyone’s hand before—aside from my mother’s when I was a boy.
“I did my best to alleviate one of those pains,” I said.
“It would be you who could alleviate them both.”
“How so?”
“I didn’t die when you touched me before. The gods didn’t come down from the heavens to smite me.”
“No, they did not.”
“Nothing bad happened to me because I gave in to pleasure. I-I know, logically, it is not bad. I am not a novice anymore. I have to…I have to believe my existence isn’t just to please the gods.”
“Of course you don’t?—”
“Skies above, they hurt you instead! You were stabbed!” she gasped, and her hand released mine to flutter up to her chest. I shushed her, pulling her tighter against me. The ginger scent of her salve filled my nostrils, and the silky soft glide of her skin against mine was a balm to my fucking soul.
“There’s plenty of reasons to smite me, songbird. I trust bringing pleasure to a beautiful woman who desperately deserved it wasn’t the reason. It’s more likely Ciarden didn’t appreciate that I left you wet and wanting.”
“Dewalt,” she breathed, turning in my arms. Substantially warmer hands caressed my chest, her fingertip tracing the line of my scar. Head tilted back, her eyes met mine, wide and bright. Gods, I needed to kiss her. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For your safety.”
I exhaled a breath, something strikingly close to disappointment weighing heavily in my gut. I was the first man who’d made her feel safe enough to question the ideals she’d grown up with. She’d let me kiss her, let me hold her until she fell asleep, warm breath moist against my chest, but I realized in that moment I was not special. It was almost a relief, in a way. If she wanted to find safety in my arms, learn to trust and figure out what this world could offer her, I could be that for her. With everything this woman had been through—her hesitations and fears, the Myriad’s influence—it had been irrational hopefulness to think she might want more.
Knowing she wasn’t attached would keep me distant. Knowing there would be an end once she found what she wanted could serve us both. I could have a taste of what Lucia had hinted at without forcing a choice upon Nor and without letting a dead woman have more control over my life than she already did.
It wasn’t my worst idea.
Her hand drifted up, caressing my jaw. “When you pulled me out of the snow,” she said, voice strong and clear. “The night you followed me back from the king’s estate.”
“What?”
“That was the moment I knew I wanted you,” she said, and the hand which had been pressed to my chest moved, her fingertip drawing circles into my flesh. Searing, her touch was a confession. And as she moved lower, tracing the divot in my abdomen, I flexed involuntarily. “You’re always rescuing me from the cold,” she said, inhaling a sharp breath. “Now, keep me warm.”
Her hand lifted, gripping the back of my neck as she pulled me closer. Leaning over her, I planted my hand near her shoulder, slowing my descent. She let out a soft grunt, tugging harder.
“Nor,” I groaned. “I’m not…you’re not…” I couldn’t find the words, suddenly uncertain of my own ability to maintain distance. I’d been with enough people the last fifteen years without allowing any affection into it—sometimes despite my best efforts. Why did I doubt that ability now?
Because it’s her , I reminded myself. Nor had always been different—an exception to every rule. Crossing this line with her was a risk regardless of how it would end. Either way, I was setting myself up for another broken heart. But when she cleared her throat, her tempting words made me lose all sense.
“Since you—ahem—since you touched me at the palace, I have tried and failed to recreate the same sensations. I require your instruction.”
My jaw dropped, surprised to hear such words from her.
“ Divine fucking …You want me to teach you? To touch yourself?”
“Was I unclear?” She bit into the soft pillow of her lower lip, looking up at me through her lashes. Damp hair fanned out over my arm, and I fought every urge to fist it in my hand.
This could work. She wanted someone to instruct her, and it needed to be a person she trusted. And, even if I’d left her panting and dissatisfied before, she knew I was capable. But there needed to be something to stop me—one final line of defense.
“I can’t touch you, Nor.”
“I—what?” She blinked, tears filling her eyes as she tried to pull her body away from mine. “Skies,” she murmured before I dropped my hand to cup her face.
“I can’t touch you—not right now. But I can show you.”