Chapter 52
DEWALT
“Dewalt,” Nor whispered. “I think I hear someone.”
I pried my eyes open even as I tugged her closer. She’d shifted in her sleep, rolling onto her stomach, and I’d moved into the spaces she’d left behind as if she’d pulled me with her. She was warm, and I pressed a sleepy kiss to her spine. The faint light of morning spilled through the hole in the roof, bathing her in gold, and I let myself pretend for a moment.
“I doubt it. Go back to sleep,” I said, pressing my cheek against her skin. I didn’t regret our night together, but I knew it shouldn’t happen again. I knew, for my own gods damned sanity, I couldn’t let it happen again. I’d been a gods damned fool to think I’d be able to separate whatever the fuck it was I felt for her from anything physical.
Nor had become so many different things to me, and I owed it to myself to treat it with respect. It wasn’t very dignified to pant after her and take whatever scraps she gave me while she figured out who she was without the Myriad. I had no intention of ruining that for her, so I’d keep Lucia’s secrets behind lock and key, protecting Nor from their implications.
But I’d learned one very important thing as I’d memorized every sigh, every gasp, every sound Nor had made: Lucia’s curse had lifted, and my heart was raw and aching for someone else.
Nor wriggled, and I nearly hissed at her. It was one thing to wake up with her in my arms, skin against skin, after a night of exploration—no, not exploration. It was something else. Something bigger. Regardless, I didn’t want to alert her to just how much me and my dick wanted her. Not this morning, anyway. “Stop wiggling that tight little ass, Nor.”
A sharp intake of breath which could have been shock over my words or titillation over their context was the only warning I got before she adjusted, aiming her elbow for my ribs.
“Someone is whistling!” she whispered. “Are your ears connected to your…to your…” She trailed off, and shoved me with her elbow once more. “When that is working, does nothing else?”
I snorted, but quieted myself to listen for this mysterious whistler. “ That can make things distracting, yes, but no one is whistling. You must have dreamt it.”
“I don’t think?—”
“There’s a few words for it besides ‘ that ’,” I said. “I prefer cock or dick or even enorm?—”
“Walt! Be quiet!” And then her elbow flew at me once more. I caught it, using the opportunity to lurch forward and press a kiss against the softest part of her neck.
But then I heard what she had. Faintly, a melody I was surprised Nor didn’t mistake for birdsong soared through the morning air.
“Get dressed,” I said, scrambling out from between the furs as the whistling grew far too loud, far too fast. The fantasy I’d allowed myself to slip into was over, and reality had come knocking in the form of my sister. I’d had a single taste of Nor, and it hadn’t been nearly enough.
“What is it?” she asked, sitting upright as I scrambled for my pants. The sun caressed her skin, shining on her tangled hair and pouring down her chest. She held the furs over her, and thank the gods she did, because I was rendered silent as it was. I committed the sight of her to memory—tousled and drowsy—certain I wouldn’t see it again.
“Little brother,” Saski called in a sing-song voice, and Nor’s eyes widened as she tugged the blanket tighter around her.
“You have a sister?” Nor asked, turning to look for her clothes, only to find them wadded up from the night before. We hadn’t properly laid them out, and my mouth watered when I thought about why.
“Yes, and she is?—”
“Dewalt! Are you in there?” Saski demanded from outside, and I knew I had only moments before she came in to investigate herself.
“Hello, Saski,” I called, fastening my breeches before reaching for my shirt. My clothes were still cold, not fully dry, but I gritted my teeth through the discomfort. Nor waved her arms wildly, pointing at the pile of clothing and then her naked body.
“I have things for you and the novice. Do you want me to bring them in or is this like that time with the Summerhill girl when you?—”
“Ciarden’s balls, give me a minute!”
Wiping a hand over my face in frustration, I murmured a silent prayer to the old gods for strength when it came to dealing with my sister. Before I finished, a pebble hit the back of my thigh, and I turned to look at the assailant who had thrown it at me.
What do I do? Nor mouthed at me, panicked. Her face had turned scarlet, and I knew it wasn’t from the cold. I spun in a circle, searching for anything which might prove useful, and gestured hopelessly to the fur. I took a moment to run my fingers through my hair. I didn’t know what I looked like, but I certainly didn’t want my sister to have any reason to push her line of thinking any farther.
The moment Nor was bundled safely in the blankets, I pushed the creaky door of our shelter open and ventured from relative safety right into a wolves’ den. Squinting against the sunlight, I was surprised to see most of the snow had melted. Without any wind, it was almost pleasant outside. With completely dry clothing, it might have felt nice. The plains were a fickle beast in early spring—prone to indecision.
Woven into one long braid straight down her back, Saski’s hair was dark with a few new strands of grey mixed in. The silver caught the morning sun, and it reminded me of our mother. She’d tied another horse to hers, presumably for me and Nor, and when it started tugging her mount, she scolded it in the typical Saski fashion—crisp and loud so she wouldn’t have to do it more than once.
When she began fussing with the saddlebags, she swayed her hips in a rocking motion, almost like it came second nature. I smiled, remembering how she’d rocked her eldest to sleep when he was small. She made a shushing sound, and when she turned to face me, I realized she had a babe strapped in a sling against her chest.
“This is your insufferable uncle I was telling you about,” she cooed at the child, gently tracing a fingertip over a pink cheek. “Yes, and he’s the reason we had to leave at dawn to find him.”
“I’m sorry, Sas. I thought you’d send Dickey—the messenger. Or Magnus,” I explained, looking past her toward the horizon. “Where are they? Are they all right?”
“Save for the scare Magnus gave the boy when he found him creeping around the village in the middle of the night, I think he’ll live. Said he didn’t want to start screaming my name and wake everyone.” She grinned up at me, eyes twinkling with a familiar mischief. “The boy wanted to come. Said you’d be cross with him if I came to fetch you instead.” Cocking a brow, she jutted out her chin in defiance. “So, here I am.”
Recognizing the gesture, I didn’t bother with a futile response. I wondered how Magnus handled her contrary shit all the time.
“What’s their name?” I asked, nodding toward the wriggling bundle in her arms. I hadn’t even known she was expecting another. Though I had no right to be hurt, it stung.
“Haven’t decided yet,” she said. “Now, come here. It’s been far too long, little one.”
I laughed, closing the distance between us, and pulled her against me. The baby grunted their irritation as Saski squeezed me tight around the ribs.
“Gods, were you always this tall?” she asked. When she pulled away, peering up at me, I noticed the fine lines across her forehead and at the corners of her eyes. Her light brown eyes were just as inquisitive as ever, and I felt a pang of guilt over how much I’d missed. “You don’t look your age,” she said, brows pitching together.
“Well—I, uh, Lavenia?—”
Her mouth split open into a wide grin as she slapped my arm. “I remember, stupid. Just because you haven’t visited in a decade doesn’t mean I don’t keep up with you. Lavenia has written me more than you have over the years. In fact, she was the one who told me you broke the bond.”
“She wrote you about that?” Ven had spent one of her last moments before leaving Astana to write to my sister? Gods, I hoped there would be a letter about her whereabouts waiting for me at Nara’s Cove. The truth was, any of us could die in this war, and each loss would rip a part of me along with it. Raj had already been a striking blow. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing Lavenia, too.
“A warning, I think,” Saski laughed. “And what a harbinger it was. Here,” she said, shoving a stuffed satchel at me. “You’ll catch your death in those damp clothes; there are things from Magnus in there for you. Do you think my clothing will fit the novice?”
I frowned, wishing Dickey hadn’t mentioned Nor being a novice. It felt inappropriate, since she was trying to figure out that aspect of her life. She was so much more than her time with the Myriad. Not to mention, the less my nosy sister knew about Nor, the better.
“They’ll fit her well enough.”
“I suppose anything is better than wet clothing. Want me to take it to her?” she asked, grabbing for the pack she’d shoved into my arms a moment before. The horror over my sister finding Nor hiding naked under a fur caused my knuckles to turn white as I gripped the bag.
“I’ve got it!” I turned, using my long-legged stride to get as far from Saski as quickly as possible. Ten years my senior, Saski had been more mother to me than sister, and that clearly hadn’t changed. In my sister’s presence for less than five minutes, and I was already feeling like a child again.
Pulling the rickety wooden door closed behind me, I sighed in relief. I didn’t even have a chance to inhale before I jumped out of my skin. Nor was leaning against the earth-packed wall, the grin on her face a clear sign she’d been eavesdropping.
“I love her. She makes you stutter. She’s amazing,” Nor whispered, eyes wide and bright. There was a soft flush gracing her cheeks, and all I wanted to do was kiss her. She’d bundled herself in my cloak, and my imagination went wild, knowing she wore nothing beneath it.
“Fuck,” I said, wiping a hand over my face. “I was afraid of that,” I said, focusing on Nor befriending my sister rather than the idea of shoving her against the wall and wrapping her long, lean legs around me.
“Have you really not seen her in a decade?”
I walked to the center of the room, staring up at the blue sky visible through the roof. I remembered the last time I saw Saski, and I clenched my jaw. “Since before that.” I cleared my throat. “Since right after Lucia died.”
The pitch of concerned brows on my sister’s face, one of the only people who knew about me and Lu, had been burned into my mind ever since. The pity I’d despised and the comfort I’d yearned for had been too much, and I’d run.
To Nor’s credit, she didn’t flinch at my words. It was the first time I’d spoken about Lucia to her since that day in the palace when I’d had my hand down the front of her pants. When that gods forsaken portrait fell to the ground, reminding me of what I’d lost.
A hawk flew above, a tiny pinprick against the blue sky, and I frowned at it, coming to a new realization. That Lucia was not real. She had kept whole parts of herself hidden from me, and I’d wasted so much time mourning someone who didn’t exist. It was only made worse by the fact she’d made those choices to protect me. Guilt and resentment now walked hand-in-hand with my memories of Lucia, and part of me would never forgive her for it. Another part of me, one that was growing louder and sounded an awful lot like Nor, wanted me to let this bitterness go, and to take Lucia’s admission for what it could be—a second chance. I shook my head, focusing instead on how my sister had treated me after Lu died.
“Saski knew about us, and seeing her was just—” I cut myself off. “Eventually, it just became easier not to. Our mother hated the Crown anyway, after Soren refused to help our village during a blight year, and she’d viewed my departure as a betrayal. She refused to see that Rainier hated him too. Between the two of them, the thought of coming back made my stomach hurt. Still does, if I’m honest.”
Opening the pack Saski had brought, I dug through it to find two pairs of trousers, a yellowed work shirt from her husband, and a long, loose-fitting tunic in my sister’s favorite color.
“It will be all right,” Nor said, and then she stepped behind me, banding her arms around my waist as she pressed her face against my back. I closed my eyes, dropping the pack on the floor, before putting my arms over hers. She was going to make separating my heart from her as hard as possible. Only allowing myself a moment of weakness, I extricated myself from her arms before grabbing the tunic and Saski’s trousers from the ground.
“These will get you by,” I said, pushing them into her arms before clearing my throat. “I’ll give you some privacy,” I murmured, stepping back. I couldn’t stop myself from meeting her eyes, feeling like an asshole as she tilted her head to the side and pursed her lips.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asked.
“No, of course not,” I reassured her, feeling like a fucking liar even if I spoke true. “You’re perfect.”
“Then stop acting strangely,” she said, brows pinching tightly together. “If you didn’t…enjoy last night, then?—”
The idea I was making her feel inadequate burned a hole through my chest, propelling me to close the distance between us. “To be frank, I don’t know if I’ve enjoyed anything more,” I said. “Saski can just be…my sister is…anyway, it’s nothing to do with you,” I lied.
Everything revolved around her.
Chewing on her bottom lip, she watched me with narrowed eyes. After a moment, she nodded, having found whatever it was she sought, and turned away from me.
“Well, go make up for lost time while I get dressed,” she said. “I’ll be right out, and you will no longer be acting funny. I demand it,” she said, flashing a bright smile over her shoulder as her cloak slipped off it. My legs moved of their own accord when I surged forward, pulling her back into a one-armed hug and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
Stupid, greedy fuck.
“That can’t be Luka, can it?” I asked Saski as we finally neared the village a little while later. There was a man loitering on her porch, dark hair falling into his eyes, though it was cut short on the sides. It was the beard he sported, looking so much like his father, that surprised me.
“It can, and is. I suppose he’s come to get more ginger for his wife. She’s been feeling ill lately—” At this, Saski surreptitiously rubbed her stomach, and my eyes widened. “I swear, that boy cannot do enough for her. He’s at my house every day looking for something to make her happy.”
“I didn’t know he was married.”
“I don’t think we need to do this all day, do we? The village has changed, and so have you. Figure it out,” she said as she shrugged her shoulders. Others might have interpreted Saski’s bluntness as derision, but she was the same as me in that regard. Why make things more palatable when our intention isn’t hurtful?
Nor squeezed her arms tighter around me, leaning to the side to look at the front porch. It was hard to believe the last time I’d shared a horse with her was only a day ago, and I’d had to hold her because she was too weak to do much herself. “Her eldest?” she asked, quiet enough only I could hear her. I liked it a little too much that she wanted to talk to only me.
“He couldn’t have been more than twelve the last I saw him. And now he has a family of his own. It’s hard to believe.”
As we approached the horse-stall on the side of Saski’s house, Luka left the front porch, putting his hands on his hips to look up at me.
“Well, well, well. Never thought I’d see you again, Uncle. Being royalty and all that.”
“Well, I’m no longer married to the princess, so I thought it acceptable to mingle,” I joked, and the grin he sported made my chest hurt a bit. He was a far cry from the child I used to carry on my shoulders.
“Why were you lingering?” Saski asked, and he rubbed his hand up the back of his head.
“Sheira is in a mood this morning, and I heard who you were going to fetch. Thought I’d stay until you arrived and keep out of her hair.”
“In a mood?” Saski asked, dismounting and shoving the baby into their older brother’s arms.
“I was breathing too loud last night, and it kept her up.”
Nor snorted, burying her face into my back. Saski turned, glancing up at her, and my sister’s face broke out into a wide grin.
“I think it was a good decision to let her nap, don’t you, girl?”
“Very much,” Nor said, and quieter, she muttered, “It must run in the family.”
Saski, with her bat-like ears—well-equipped for gossip—heard her, and she howled with laughter. “I like her,” she said, cackling, before helping Nor down from behind me.
“I like you too,” Nor said, and I swallowed as I noticed her pinked cheeks. She was so fucking adorable; it was painful sometimes.
Ushering us inside, Saski put on a kettle and sent Luka off to change the baby’s nappy and lay them down, citing his need for practice.
Though we’d said little on the ride here, it was easier between us than I thought it would have been. Saski didn’t treat me as if I’d been gone for a dozen years, even if I would have deserved every bit of her vexation. I’d been keeping her at arm’s length, and for what reason? Was it that I hated to see her pity, not wanting to find solace in her comfort? Or was it something bigger? Was it something I didn’t want to analyze?
“Where is Magnus?” I asked, clearing my throat as I kicked my boots off at the door. Saski had a strict rule about shoes when Luka and his younger sister were babies, and I imagined that hadn’t changed with the new one. No dirt in the mouths of babes.
Nor toed her own off, grabbing onto my arm for support. Saski’s eyes narrowed on the touch as she answered me.
“With your boy at the Lowry’s stable, tending to your wounded horse.”
“You—Dewalt, I thought you—she’s here?” Nor’s hand tightened on my arm.
“You slept through all that? I knew you were exhausted, but gods…Why do you think we didn’t have our horses this morning? I made Dickey bring them here for tending after we got to the outpost. Wasn’t risking them in the snow overnight, and we had to get out of the cold,” he said.
“You made Dickey ride by himself that far?”
“He did just fine, didn’t he?” I shrugged. “ He wasn’t the one who jumped into the water after you, Nor.”
Her brows pinched together and her mouth screwed up into a tight frown, and I grinned at her. She made it so fun to poke at her.
“Have some bread,” Saski interrupted, shooting another glance at Nor’s grip on my arm before her eyes met mine. I loved my sister, but gods, was she nosy. She always had been. Though my cheeks reddened over the correct conclusions she was coming to, a part of me missed that. I’d created a family of my own with Rainier and his sister, and now Emma, but it wasn’t the same.
“Thank you so much. Skies, I’m afraid our stomachs would have woken the baby with all the grumbling they’re doing,” Nor said, rushing to follow Saski into the kitchen. Nearly a head taller than my sister, Nor slathered butter on the bread as Saski cut it, the two of them working together with ease. Simple—like they’d known each other forever. I sighed.
Things with Nor had been easy in recent days—despite being attacked and nearly dying. I didn’t let myself entertain the thoughts, knowing there would be no shortage of attacks and near-death experiences, and glanced around the kitchen. The only thing which had changed was that Magnus had finally added a mantle over the hearth.
“So, why did you leave the Myriad? I mean, it makes sense now , given the war,” Saski said, gesturing for Nor to sit at the table. “But the boy said you haven’t been a novice for months.”
That ginger-headed brat had given my sister entirely too much information. I wondered if she’d been wary, suspicious of Nor in the same way I once had been. Nor was wringing her hands beneath the table as I sat down, and I wanted to pull them into my grasp to calm her.
“It’s a very long story, what led me to stepping away, but I don’t think my heart was ever truly in it,” Nor confessed, and that was when she finally turned to look at me. Her hair was still down, though she’d frantically brushed it with my comb, and the red tunic she wore brightened her features. She was absolutely breathtaking, and it was an effort to school my features so my sister would keep her mouth shut. “My mother was the reason I became a novice in the first place, but it was never…I hate saying this since she’s gone, but the only thing I liked about it was helping people.”
“Well, isn’t that what it’s supposed to be, though?” Saski asked, pouring herself a glass of water before passing the pitcher to me. “Helping people?”
“Yes, but it’s not. It’s about…servitude. It’s about power,” Nor said, hands clenching into fists. “I can help people without the Myriad. And, I think perhaps…I think I’ve come to realize I can have my own relationship with the gods without all the rules.” She sucked her lower lip between her teeth, nodding as if to convince herself. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately,” she said, stretching her hands out. “Isn’t it greater proof of my faith to have a choice and still choose to worship them? Even if it’s not the way I’ve been taught?”
My heart sank, and along with it went the silly notion that things could ever be easy between us. Nor had just been given the ability to choose, and Lu’s prophetic bullshit would take it away. Even if I told her about it, even if she knew Lu’s words had fucked me in the head for weeks, it would still affect her choice when it came to me. The only way for her to be truly free was for me to maintain my silence.
Saski tilted her head, reaching her hand across the table. To my surprise, Nor lifted hers and placed it in my sister’s palm. Thoughtful, Saski squeezed Nor’s hand and sighed deeply. “I think you understand it better than most. Truth be told, I don’t think the gods care all that much about how we earn their favor—just that we try.”
Nor smiled, and it broke my fucking heart. She was going to thrive with her newfound independence, and I selfishly hoped I was part of the reason for this breakthrough; the night we shared together could be a happy memory which helped push her toward a different relationship with the gods. One that served her and made her feel happy and fulfilled.
Saski turned her dark eyes on me, and I averted mine, staring at the table. Nowhere in this room was safe for me. I’d kept Saski at arm’s length, and I’d have to keep Nor at a distance too. Letting go, my sister pushed back from the table, eyes never leaving me.
“Just remember this, Nor, with your newfound ability to choose. A lot of times, we don’t get it right. We’re human, after all.” She turned a smile toward Nor, warm and welcoming. “What’s important is acknowledging our mistakes and choosing differently the next time.”