Chapter 66
LAVENIA
I couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, couldn’t breathe. There was only pain.
My blood boiled and my bones turned to dust. Everything I was and ever would be were no more. Estri had seen right through me, and she killed me before I had a chance to do anything.
But my end was agonizingly slow. Each moment dragged into the next, and I desperately wished it would stop. I implored Damia, begging the death-bringer to take me to the eternal lands. Blinding light and horrifying silence embraced me. I craved the blackest of nights and wished for any sound to penetrate the unearthly quiet. But there was no peace as my body writhed and suffered.
I didn’t know how long I arched in pain before it finally eased. I was still dying, still yearning to lose the battle I didn’t intend to fight, when I regained my hearing. I didn’t dare open my eyes, but some of my awareness returned. Estri was touching me, running her hand over my forehead as she supported my back. How could she hold me so gently as she murdered me?
A garbled moan echoed in the chamber, ringing out around us as it tore through the water, and I didn’t know if it belonged to me. Perhaps it was Mairin, mourning my death. I gritted my teeth as the pain stagnated. Instead of fiery bursts of agony, the ache became an unbearable constant.
“Please,” I begged—panting and wishing for it to end. “I’m sorry.” The words wrenched free from me with force. I didn’t know who I was apologizing to. Mairin? Myself? The Sea Queen for my inevitable betrayal? It didn’t matter.
“If you die, I will be quite disappointed, treasure,” Estri murmured. “I thought you were stronger.”
Her words allowed me to shut out my fears and doubts and all of my overwhelming suffering. I’d learned just how strong and capable I was. Forgotten or forsaken, I now knew better what a fearsome adversary I could be. I would never lose myself again. If my time here was what was required to understand my own worth and power, then I would have done it all over again.
My body curled in on itself, and I barely registered the sharp prick of Rhia’s comb beneath my clothing as the burning white pain shifted to my legs. Only they weren’t legs—not anymore. Starting at my thighs and slowly moving toward the tips of my toes, Estri’s power stitched my legs together, creating what I knew to be a powerful tail.
Though it felt like my death, this was the furthest thing from it.
I coughed, unable to stop what I’d last eaten from making its way out of my stomach. Choking on vomit, I tried to roll free from Estri’s grasp, but her grip only tightened. I sputtered and gagged as one of her long fingers shoved into my mouth to clear it.
“Almost finished,” she murmured, but I barely heard her over Mairin. The merrow didn’t speak— couldn’t speak—but her mournful cry was almost more than I could bear. Was it that horrifying? Had I turned into some dreadful monster?
My gums began to ache, and I could only imagine what was happening to my teeth. Far too numerous and frighteningly sharp, would I even be able to speak?
The pain lessened, although I felt an intense pressure in my hips. It was as if my legs wanted to separate, but couldn’t, and my muscles suffered because of it. My lungs filled with water, and I gasped for air. I realized whatever Estri had done to make it so I could breathe hadn’t been permanent. As I changed, my chest grew heavy and my body grew cold. Panicking, I opened my eyes, but everything was blurry. Reaching for my throat, I writhed in Estri’s arms, certain if I survived the change, I’d have been too long without air.
Mairin screamed, and I felt her hands on me. Estri snarled, and my merrow stopped touching me almost immediately. My vision blurred even further, with dark spots appearing along the edges, but I could just make out the red curls of the woman who’d captured my heart and then destroyed it. For a dizzying moment, I thought perhaps she’d started to glow with a bright orange light, but it faded just as I closed my eyes. I couldn’t keep them open any longer.
Just as I was about to succumb to unconsciousness, my lungs expanded and I could breathe. I panted and gulped, reaching for my neck where Estri had once cut my throat. Instead of the single slice of skin, I now had gills. Delicate skin fluttered on either side of my throat. Somehow, I’d managed to forget that part of Mairin’s haunting mermaid form.
Mairin grabbed my wrist and tugged my hand from my neck. Twining her fingers with mine, she squeezed my hand tightly, and I couldn’t help it when I began to cry. The pain should have been enough to kill me. How I hadn’t succumbed to an apoplectic attack, I wasn’t sure, but I knew I couldn’t withstand much more.
“Make it stop,” I whispered, clumsy-tongued as I struggled with my teeth, and Estri chuckled. Abruptly, the pain stopped, but I still ached. It felt as if I’d been dropped from a great height, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever gain control of my limbs.
“Open your eyes, Princess,” Estri said, and I did. My vision had changed. Gone were the vibrant colors I’d been able to see in the moonpearls’ glow. Everything existed in shades of grey, and a sob tore up my throat. Was this permanent? I couldn’t make out any of the vibrant tones that I knew made up the Sea Queen’s domain.
Would I never see color again?
Horrified, I tried to push myself out of Estri’s arms, spinning to look at Mairin’s hair. When she’d turned into a merrow, her hair had shifted from the orange-red I loved to something darker. Beneath the waves, her hair had appeared almost black. During Estri’s dinner, when I’d first arrived, Mairin had floated near a wall of moonpearls, and I’d been able to make out that blood-red hue. Now, though, there was no color to it. My world had turned flat, distracting me from the pain throbbing throughout my body.
Would I ever enjoy a sunset again? Foxglove, the bright pink seahorse who nearly glowed when beside moonpearls would be just another shade of grey.
“No,” I moaned. With everything that had just happened to my body, my altered sight felt like the biggest loss of all.
“Sit up,” Estri ordered, pressing her cold hand against my back. My center of gravity had changed with my new tail, and I didn’t know how to adjust. I tried to kick, as if I still had my legs, and the feeling was uncomfortable. Would I be able to move around as I’d need to in order to follow through with my plan?
“Too hard,” I said, surprised by how much I needed to use my abdomen since I didn’t have control of my lower half yet.
“Do not make me regret this, my jewel. I do not have the desire to teach you how to exist in this form.”
I sputtered, turning to look up at her. I knew what she was, what she was capable of. She’d said herself that it was folly to think the gods were interested in more than pleasure and penance. But still. She’d changed everything about my body in such a brief time, putting me through immeasurable pain; was there really no compassion within her?
She was a cruel god.
Estri’s other arm dropped from beneath my body, and I sank toward the ground, trying to make sense of the movements needed to remain upright.
Mairin was there in an instant. Whatever pain had been inflicted upon her, the dark bruises which covered her body, must have seemed small in comparison to what she’d witnessed with me. She gripped my upper arm, both firm and gentle, while helping me situate myself properly in the water. Mairin. The merrow who had watched me kiss the woman who birthed her, and had cried for me in my worst moments—was here. Wrapping a steadying arm around my waist, her touch was delicate as she supported me.
Would I have even been in this situation if not for her?
If Mairin and I had come beneath the waves on good terms, would I have tried so hard to figure out the mystery of Estri’s power? Would I have cared about Foxglove and the other seaborn? Would Smokkar have shown me the Sea Queen’s prison?
Everything had happened the way it did for a reason. I had to believe that.
And despite my desire to collapse into her, to rest and grieve and worry, I could not jeopardize my plan. I wanted to press my skin to hers and never move again. But there were so many reasons I couldn’t. I knew if I did, I wouldn’t trust myself to bring up everything that had gone wrong between us.
I had to hold her accountable or else I’d have learned nothing.
“Get off me,” I said, sneering at Mairin instead of nuzzling into the crook of her neck.
Tilting my hips forward and back, I found that I was better able to stay upright. I didn’t dare look down, uncertain about how I’d feel when I saw what my body had become. Merrows were beautiful and fearsome—would I feel like someone new?
“Come, Princess,” Estri said, and my back stiffened in response.
I was seaborn. I was a princess. My hand drifted to where Rhia’s sharpened comb laid over my breast.
The Sea Queen’s tail wrapped around mine, and I couldn’t stop myself from looking. Far longer than my legs, my tail extended below me, and the thinly frilled fins at the end were almost transparent. Though I couldn’t feel that part of me, I could sense it. Almost like the wind blowing through one’s hair on a blustery day, I felt movement. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed another frill in the middle, near where the backs of my thighs would have been. My tail was much darker than Mairin’s, and I desperately wanted to know what color it was. It wasn’t the same as my skin tone, but I couldn’t tell anything else. Was it black like Estri’s? Dark blue? Perhaps a violet color? It was impossible to tell, and for whatever reason, that was the most upsetting aspect of all.
Never mind that I had a tail, that my body had now changed in so many ways I didn’t feel like it fit anymore. The fact I couldn’t see it the way I needed to was nearly incapacitating.
“What color is it?” I asked, my throat tightening enough to make it hard to speak. It was far harder to ignore the gills on my throat than the single slash Estri had made. They felt like goosebumps on my flesh.
“What?” Estri snapped, reaching for my hand. Pulling me toward the bed of lotus flowers, away from Mairin, she sounded irritated by my question. But for whatever reason, I needed to know. I was on the verge of hysterics, nearly unable to focus on anything else.
I am seaborn. I am a princess.
“My tail. My eyes? Did they change? My hair?” I asked, uncertain if I wanted there to be any familiarity at all. With my physiology changing so tremendously, would it be easier if my body looked less like my own?
“Like a blackwater iris,” Mairin said from behind me. “Near the center—that dark violet shade.” My upper body fell into the Sea Queen’s as I tried to spin to look at Mairin. Her voice was raspy with disuse, but soft. So quiet, as if she didn’t want to break a spell. My eyes met hers, and her mouth dropped open as she stared at me. Her hand rested against her chest, and everything within me froze as I took her in.
Had she ever looked at me like that before? With something akin to awe?
Estri made a sound not unlike a scream, and she grabbed at my wrist. “You wore me out, treasure. My magick is tired, and I must rest.” And then she moved us faster toward her bed. I did the best I could with my tail, trying to learn while I had someone’s support—even if it was Estri. Even if she was bringing me toward a bed she likely intended me to pleasure her upon.
Estri yawned, and I tensed. My opportunity was approaching, and I didn’t know if I could do it. Would she realize what I was doing and ruin the water with my blood? I resisted the urge to reach for my only weapon.
Twisting to see behind me, I glimpsed Mairin grabbing at her neck, as if Estri had taken her voice from her once more. With my heart in my throat, I noticed what I had failed to see before. At the base of her tail, before it split into beautiful fins, Estri had put her in an obsidian collar. Chained to the ground, unable to shift, the merrow would remain trapped. Divine in origin, I realized the magick used by the forestborn and seaborn was gifted to them by their gods. The obsidian seemed like a show of power, when nearly all parts of Estri’s domain were impacted by lava rock of some sort.
Or was it her divinity? Was she the one affecting it? When I reached for my own, I couldn’t find it. Was that something impacted by my change as well? Panicked laughter bubbled up my throat. I couldn’t carry a tune for the life of me, but perhaps I’d have to sing if I were to ever use my divinity again.
“You were too kind to her,” Estri murmured, turning my sore body by the waist. “She is certainly not convinced. You have work to do before I allow you amongst the rest of the seaborn.” As she leaned down to kiss my neck, it took everything in me to remain pliant. The Sea Queen’s words brought our supposed ruse to the forefront of my mind.
After Mairin had spoken, her gaze gentle as it ran over my form, it was clear she wasn’t convinced of my allegiance to Estri.
“Let me prove myself to you,” I whispered, cradling Estri’s cheek with my palm. “Let her see that I belong solely to you.”
The Sea Queen simply stared at me. With her large eyes and wide mouth, she wasn’t delicately pretty by any means, but when the corners of her lips lifted into a half-smile, there was an innocence to it that made me begin to doubt myself.
“You would pleasure me in front of your former lover?” she asked, tilting her head. “I had no intentions of harming her yet. You are new to this body and full of strange emotions I cannot comprehend. I planned to give you time to acclimate.”
I nodded, torn after her mild kindness, but resolute nonetheless. “I want to. For what you have given me.”
Slowly, she floated backward toward the lotus bed. Letting herself sink lower, she sat atop the blossoms. Fascinated, I watched as Estri’s tail shrank and split, giving her legs once more. She lifted her hand to me and pulled me closer, spreading her legs to either side of me as she did.
“Take off your gown,” she ordered, and my heart raced. I was certain she heard it, but I hoped she would only think it was anticipation. Rhia’s comb felt hot against my skin, and my forehead grew feverish. If I was on land, I was sure I’d be sweating. I had to pray to whichever god might listen that she only thought me nervous, feeling unequipped to bring a goddess to her pleasure.
But I intended to bring her to her knees.
Reaching for the dress, the fabric having ripped in so many places during my time here that it was more a suggestion than anything, I was afraid she would see what I kept hidden beneath. I wobbled, struggling to maintain my position. In just a few moments, it had grown much easier to wield my strange new body, but Estri settled her hands on my hips to keep me in place. She leaned forward, ripping at my dress as she licked my abdomen. My hands shook, and I set them on her shoulders, willing strength into my limbs.
For a brief moment, I wondered if I should have waited. If I allowed her to grow more comfortable around me, would I have a higher chance of success?
Or would I only grow complacent, as I often had in my life, and decide to make the best of my arrangements?
Though I’d grown more confident in myself, I didn’t think I could handle waiting for that moment. For now, with Mairin and Foxglove injured nearby and many of the seaborn desperate to leave, I could find the courage. If I hesitated, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
Estri’s hands slid up my dress, and I knew she would find the comb soon if I didn’t move it. Tugging at my clothing, I unwrapped it from my body and made myself nude before her. Within the wadded up fabric, growing heavy in my hand, Rhia’s comb remained hidden.
The Sea Queen’s mouth moved higher, trailing kisses up my breast bone as her fingers caressed my sides. I bit the inside of my cheeks as hard as I could, hiding my distaste, and I heard Mairin whimper. I couldn’t think of her watching this. I couldn’t think of what might happen to her if I failed.
And as the image of Mairin’s dead body heaped atop mine filled my head, I was pushed into action. I unraveled the comb from my dress with one hand as I ran the other through Estri’s hair. Leaning forward, I shifted my weight as if I were trying to lie down on top of her. Circling my arm around her neck, I bent low, and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“How sweet,” she said. “I hope you are far less gentle when you kiss me elsewhere.”
My stomach twisted tighter as she pulled me down to her. Keeping the tortoiseshell comb in my free hand, I hid it behind my back. My hair floated into my eyes, the curls looking black as night with my newly monochromatic vision. I felt detached from my body, from my mind, as she settled me against her. Holding me within the cradle of her thighs, she wrapped her legs around me. Adjusting, I shifted my weight to press down harder.
Bracing myself on one elbow, I inhaled and closed my eyes. For a brief moment, memories ran rampant through my thoughts. My brother and Dewalt laughing together, Mairin’s smile, Elora’s frown. I thought of Lucia and Emma and I watching the clouds while laying in the meadow. I was hopeful that I’d be remembered just as fondly if I failed.
Slowly dragging my hand down, acting as if I planned to balance on the other elbow as well, I smiled down at Estri to keep up my ruse.
But her jaw was tight, and her pupils had flared wide. Before I had a chance to react, she gripped my wrist so tightly in her hand I cried out. There was a dull snap as she broke the bone.
“Did you forget the sea whispers to me, my jewel?” she seethed, before flipping me over beneath her. She laughed as I screamed. I dropped the comb and tried to push her off, but the struggle was futile. “It will be one of my daughters who kills me if Rhia’s followers speak true. Why throw yourself on the sword?” she asked.
“You made me,” I grunted, “a princess of the sea.”
Wrenching that broken arm free from her grasp, the pain nearly causing me to black out, I distracted her. She began to shift, using her slowly forming tentacles to pin my arm down. I screamed from the pain once more and gritted my teeth. But in the struggle, I remembered my other weapon.
One of her tentacles slithered over my mouth as I screamed, but I bit as hard as I could, all while reaching for Rhia’s tiara. The glow of the moonpearls cast Estri into a horrifying nightmare as her cheeks hollowed out and her face elongated. Her mouth was gaping, growing larger as if she intended to swallow me whole.
Nearly dropping it, I was able to grasp the headpiece in my hand. The reaching shards of coral were not nearly as sharp as the tines on Rhia’s comb, but it grew warm and heavy in my hand and I knew it was my only hope. Before she could turn into the enormous creature which could kill me without thought, I had to end her. Her skin had already begun to take on the same leathery appearance as that enormous beast which had easily killed Hy?e, and I feared it was too late.
Using all the force I had in my good arm, I shoved the tiara up and into her throat. For a moment, she didn’t react as the coral pierced her skin. The twisting peaks were jagged and rough, and I pushed hard enough that a few embedded themselves into her skin. Her eyes widened and those razor-edged teeth snapped at me as shimmering blood spilled out of her neck and clouded the water between us. Through a sparkling haze, I watched as the goddess took her last breaths.
“What have you done?” she breathed, words garbling as her eyes dulled. “How?”
“Lavenia!” Mairin shrieked as Estri collapsed on top of me. Her body shrank, returning to her more human form, and blood continued leaking out of her. Without meaning to, I breathed it in, swallowed it, bathed in it, and my body began to ache all over again.
If I had thought the fire of Estri turning me into a seaborn was horrific, the pain I experienced as her gleaming blood coated and invaded me was divine torture. I couldn’t push the Sea Queen off before blackness overtook me, and I was swept away.