Chapter Thirteen
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
LENNON
It’s been two weeks since Brandon’s death, and I’m trying to find my new normal without him. I promised everyone I’d take spring break to work through what’s happened, but I didn’t. I floated through the week with no concept of time. The days and nights blended, and instead of being twenty-four hours, they felt never ending. As if I were in my own personal prison. I’m in a constant state of sadness, and while the random bouts of tears still come, I’ve been able to maintain a sliver of control.
I talked to Mrs. Locke last week, and we reminisced about all the good times Brandon and I had over the past two years. She talks about him as if he’s here with us and just went on an extended vacation or something. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s in denial, but I get it because it’s easier to think about it that way.
I’m up before my alarm goes off as usual. My back aches from sleeping on the couch, but I can’t lie in our bed, the one we’ve shared for almost a year. A fucked-up part of me even wants to leave his dirty clothes and shoes on the floor from when he changed to go ride. Loose coins from his pockets are scattered on the nightstand, and everything is exactly how it was the last time he was here. It’s a time capsule of our life together, and I don’t want to disturb it.
I’ve been sleeping on the couch and only go into our bedroom to grab clothes, but otherwise, I avoid it as much as possible.
The apartment is dark as I stumble down the hallway. As soon as I open my bedroom door, I turn on the lights and hurry to grab the things I need before going to the bathroom. As I stand in the shower, feeling the streaming water fall over me, my emotions start to bubble. Every morning, I used to sing as loudly as possible to start my day. However, I haven’t felt like it lately. Though I’m sure Hunter is thrilled since he hated it so much. Singing always made me so happy, but right now, there’s nothing to be happy about.
After I dress, I walk into the living room and realize how early it is. It dawns on me how clean the apartment is too, which is odd, considering I haven’t been keeping up with it. Hunter always had a disaster waiting for me in the mornings, and now he’s cleaning up after me.
The sun hasn’t risen yet, so I snatch my phone from the floor where I left it last night and see it’s barely past six. Instead of sitting around in a dark room, I decide to grab my bag and go to work early. Hopefully, today will go by fast, though I couldn’t be so lucky.
I arrive at school an hour and a half before my first class and keep myself busy by reorganizing the instruments we used in the spring program. The last time I was here was for the performance, so my classroom is a complete mess. I’m grateful it keeps me busy until my students arrive. Since school will be ending within the next few weeks and summer vacation will begin, I planned to teach them the history of some of the greatest composers to ever live like Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach.
The day passes by quickly, and when I take lunch, I feel the stares of the other teachers, and all I can do is pretend nothing’s wrong and smile. When I heated my leftovers in the teacher’s lounge, I could’ve sworn I heard someone talking about me outside the door, and as much as I wanted to confront who was gossiping, I decided it wasn’t worth it. After I finish eating—or try to, considering my appetite is nonexistent—it’s time for class to start again.
I feel as if I’m on a stage, putting on an act for each of my classes as we talk about eighteenth-century composers, but I’m grateful I don’t have to sing right now, or I might burst into tears. Soon, the day is ending, and I’m relieved to be in the confines of the apartment. After I park and climb the stairs, I sit in the same place I’ve been sitting every single day. I lean my head back and close my eyes.
For a moment, I think I hear Brandon calling my name. My eyes pop open, and I look around. My blood rushes and pumps through my body, and I try to calm down, realizing I must have dozed off because I’m so damn exhausted, but it sounded so real. Before I’m able to get too lost in my thoughts, my phone rings, and it’s Maddie.
Each time she calls me, a picture of us when she first moved to California flashes across the screen. It brings a small smile to my face, and I hurry and answer the call before she’s sent to voicemail. There aren’t many people I want to talk to right now, but I’ll always answer the phone for my sisters anytime they call.
“Hey!” Her excited voice makes me smile.
“Hey, what’s up?”
She barely lets me get my words out before she’s squealing in my ear.
“I was picked! I got the part!” She shouts so loud, I pull the phone away for a split second.
“Oh my God, Maddie!” I shout right along with her. “I’m so happy for you! I’m so sorry, I forgot about your auditions.”
“Lennon. You’ve had a lot on your plate lately. But I had to tell you because we talked about it not too long ago.”
“I’m so proud of you, Mads. Seriously, you have no idea. If anyone deserves this, it’s you. You’re always pushing yourself to the limit and rehearsing all the time, and it’s paid off.”
As she continues talking, the smile in her voice is contagious, I can’t stop from grinning.
“And guess what? They’re even paying me!”
I chuckle. “Because you’re a pro! So happy for you.”
“Oh my gosh.” She sounds out of breath now. “I need to call Sophie. Then Mom and Dad. I think I need to celebrate. Maybe we can go out soon and do that?”
“Definitely. You’ve got it. I’ll let you go so you can tell the masses. Love you.”
“Love you too, Lennon. Bye!”
I end the call, and it’s the first time in a while I’ve felt real happiness, and it seems almost foreign. Eventually, I close my eyes and find myself drifting off again, but this time, I welcome it.
A strong hand on my shoulder gently shakes me awake.
“Brandon,” I whisper half-asleep, but when I slowly blink my eyes open, it’s Hunter, and his face floods with sadness.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, sit up, and smell Italian food.
Hunter makes sure I’m eating every day even when I tell him I’m not hungry. My life has become routine, and today is no different. He graciously brings me food, and I barely speak to him, though he seems to be okay with just my company. Never in a million years did I ever think we’d be able to even sit in the same room without strangling one another, and now we’re having meals together.
“It’s okay. I picked up chicken fettuccine Alfredo and got some of those rolls you love,” he says, smiling.
I appreciate how sweet he’s being, but I wonder when this will end, when he’s going to get sick of me and push me away.
We sit across from each other and eat in silence like usual.
Hunter plays on his phone, and I realize how awkward this must be for him to eat with his dead best friend’s girlfriend every night.
“I’m sorry I’m not better company,” I blurt without thinking.
He sets down his phone, then looks up at me with the most genuine expression. “I think your company is perfect.” He shrugs, moving his fork around his plate. “You don’t force me to talk about what happened or how I feel. You accept me how I am, and you have no idea how goddamn refreshing that is.” He pauses before adding, “Okay, well, maybe you do.”
I nod with a half-smile and move the chicken around on my plate, not eating. “I don’t want all this to be pretend, Hunter. That you’re forcing yourself to be nice to me when you wanna tell me to get the fuck out and move on with my life.” My voice cracks, and I suck in a deep breath, trying to get ahold of myself. “Without Brandon here, there’s no reason you should have to live with me. You didn’t choose me as a roommate, and I don’t want to be a burden. I was thinking before summer ends, I’ll look for a place of my own since this is your apartment.”
He slams down his fork, and when his eyes meet mine, he stares into my soul, seeing all my truths, my faults, and the raw, vulnerable version of me I hide from everyone.
“There’s no way in hell that’s happening. You’re staying here, Lennon. This is your home as much as it’s mine. And listen to me very carefully,” he says firmly, searching my face. “Brandon was like a brother to me, and I knew everything about him and could probably finish his sentences if I wanted to. We were inseparable. Practically grew up together in college. And the least I can do is what he’d want, which is to make sure you’re taken care of. He wanted us to get along and had asked me a million times over the past year not to keep fighting with you. But most importantly, he’d want us to lean on each other during this because he was important to both of us. I lost my best friend, but you did too, okay? No one, let me repeat, no one is forcing me to do shit.”
His words linger, and my heart threatens to beat out of my chest as I process his words. Hunter’s the type of man who says what he means and means what he says. But I can’t help but feel like a burden to him, and maybe I’m not right now, but I will eventually be when he’s ready to move on. Our situation isn’t a perfect one, but it’s ours, and I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m grateful he’s not kicking me out on my ass because the thought of leaving right now seems impossible. It’s something I’ve thought about while on spring break even if I can’t afford to live alone on my teacher’s salary.
I swallow hard, keeping his gaze. “Thank you. I want us to get along too.” My voice comes out fragile and soft, but I don’t have the energy to try harder. I don’t know what else to say. My words sound so insignificant compared to his.
That earns me a relieved smile. “Good.”
After we’re finished eating, Hunter puts my remaining pasta in the fridge as he does every night, then we sit on the couch and watch TV, though I can’t pay attention to anything that’s happening. He flips through the channels, and soon, I’m yawning over and over.
Hunter tilts his head, giving me a worried expression. “Lennon.” His voice is just above a soft whisper.
When he looks at me with gentleness in his eyes, it brings me back to the first night we met at the bar. The Hunter sitting beside me is the man I met two years ago, not the asshole I’ve been living with for the past year.
“You can’t continue to bunk on the couch. It’s not comfortable, and I know you’re not getting any rest. You’re always tired and going to burn out. You need a real bed.”
I shake my head to argue. “I can’t…I can’t sleep in that bed, Hunter. With his side empty. It’s cold and bare without him. The sheets still smell like him. It’s painful enough to walk in there in the mornings. I…”
For a moment, he watches me, then sucks in a deep breath as if he’s contemplating something. Taking me by surprise, he places his hand on top of mine and squeezes. “You can have my room then. You have to get some sleep.”
I’m shocked he’d even offer, but he’s been surprising me a lot lately. “I don’t want to lie in the same bed a hundred other women have slept in,” I say, trying to break the tension in the room while cracking a smile.
Hunter removes his hand and sticks up his pinky. “What if I swear to put clean sheets on for you?”
I twist the corner of my lips, pretending to think about it. “And flip the mattress?” I ask, with raised eyebrows.
“Damn, girl,” he says with amusement, dropping his arm. “You’re a tough negotiator.”
I give him big puppy dog eyes, and he rolls his.
“Fine, if that’s what you want, Lennon. I’ll even spray Lysol and light one of your girly candles if that’s what it’ll take for you to finally get a good night’s sleep.”
When I don’t answer right away, Hunter stands and crosses his arms over his broad chest. “Well?” He looks even larger when he towers over me, making me feel small and fragile. Though I’m sure that’s how most women feel around him. His muscles alone could crush me if he wanted to.
I study his hard expression, realizing he won’t take no for an answer. I bite my lower lip as I try to imagine myself in Hunter’s room. In his bed. As weird as it is, I know he’s right. The couch fucking sucks. “Okay.”
“Thank God.” He releases a relieved breath, which makes me smile. He does care. “Never had to persuade a woman into my bed before. Thought you were gonna make me go on my knees and beg for a minute there,” he teases, which quickly eases the tension.
“And for a minute, I thought you were being a gentleman,” I fire right back, though I’m chuckling at his exaggerated relief.
“I very much am.” Hunter winks before he takes off down the hallway. I gather my pillow and blanket from the couch, then hear him flipping the mattress, which makes me laugh.
A few more moments pass before he returns. “It’s all yours,” he says, waving his hand out to gesture for me to walk ahead of him.
Once we reach his room, I open the door and glance around. I realize I’ve never been in here longer than it took to throw in the random bras and panties I found lying around the apartment. Relief floods over me that I might actually get some rest. I’m exhausted from trying to get through everything while sleeping on the most uncomfortable couch of my life. Not that I’m surprised. They probably bought it cheap while they were in college since it’s been here the whole time I’ve known Brandon.
“Let me know if you need anything else.” Hunter turns with his pillow and blanket to walk away, but I reach for his arm and stop him.
“Thank you, Hunter,” I genuinely say, hoping he sees in my eyes how much I appreciate him.
With a nod, he gives me a little grin. “Anything for you, Lennon. Good night.”
He shuts the door behind him. I fan my blanket out on top of the freshly made bed, then slip under the cool sheets with my pillow. For the first time since Brandon’s death, I relax enough to almost instantly fall asleep, which is a miracle in and of itself, and the only person I have to thank is Hunter.