Chapter Thirty
Lucy pulls up in front of my house, and I let out an audible breath because Liam’s car is parked there.
“Do you want to come to my house?” she says. “Or I can drive you around town for a couple of hours with the hope that he leaves. I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but you’ve sure been avoiding him.”
“No.” I undo the seatbelt. “I stalled long enough. I probably need to face this.”
“Call me later if you want,” she says. “I’ll be catching up on all of my reality TV shows.”
I walk inside, and Liam stands in the entryway like he was about to leave. My mom pops her head around the corner.
“Birdie,” she says. “Where have you been?”
“Sorry.” I look between her and Liam. “I went out.”
“Well.” She puts her hands on her hips. “Liam and I figured a lot of stuff out that we can debrief you on. But it’s getting late, so we can save it for another day.”
“Here.” Liam hands me a booklet.
I glance at it and flip through the pages. It’s a timeline of all the next steps. Painting. Furniture. A bake sale and end of summer gala.
My mom studies me and then Liam. She takes a deep breath, like she’s discovering something for the first time.
“I’m going to go to bed,” she says. “Thanks for all of your time, Liam. Goodnight, Birdie.”
We stay unmoved as she walks up the stairs. I watch her, and he keeps his eyes on me. When we hear her bedroom door shut, he turns to me. A few moments pass between us, studying each other. He narrows his eyes.
“Were you with him?”
“Him?” It takes me a moment to realize that he’s talking about Will. “No.”
He slowly nods his head. “Are you avoiding me, Birdie?”
“No,” I say. “Why would I be avoiding you?”
“Okay.” He nods toward the door. “Can we chat? Maybe go somewhere a little more private?”
“Sure,” I say. “But I’m hot and need to get out of my scrubs. I’m going to change and be right back.”
I put on my cutoff shorts and meet Liam downstairs. The sun has just set, but the sky remains lit up by orange hues. He watches me after I come down the winding stairs, and he follows me outside. We walk in silence toward the cemetery, the freshly cut grass beneath my bare feet. There’s no sign of autumn, as the summer nights remain hot and humid. We pass the groundskeeper’s shed, and Liam grabs my hand and pulls me around the corner of it.
“What are you—” I begin to say at the same time as Liam speaks.
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I press into the shed as Liam’s arms anchor both sides of me. I push into his chest, creating distance.
“Hey.” I shake my head.
He backs away from me, breathing heavily and looking confused. I walk toward my special bench. How can I want to kiss him while at the same time being resolute on our path forward? Liam sits next to me. I don’t know what to say. I’m surprised I need to. I wasn’t expecting Liam to want to see me so soon afterward.
“It’s probably best if we don’t, you know. . .”
My voice trails off. Hopefully, he’ll understand what I mean without me having to say it.
Liam leans into my shoulder. “If we don’t what, Birdie? Talk? Have lake days? Brainstorm fundraising ideas?”
“No.” I shake my head. “The other thing.”
Liam runs his tongue along the inside of his bottom lip and moves closer. “What other thing?”
My face heats. “You know what I’m saying.”
“Sex?” he says.
“Exactly.” I let out a breath. “We should go back to a couple of days ago when we were strictly friends.”
“And not two people who have seen each other naked.”
“Liam.” I smack his arm. “I’m being serious.”
“Okay.” Liam studies me. “Will you at least talk to me? I’d ask you if it wasn’t good for you, but well, I was there. I know how it was.”
“Let’s be honest,” I say. “We knew it was going to happen at some point. We’ve been marching toward it since meeting. But—”
“But what, Birdie?” Liam says, cutting me off.
I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of grass. “I had a lapse in judgment. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
What I really want to say is I’ve never felt an attraction like the one I do with Liam, and I missed him when he was in New York and I allowed myself to get completely swept up in it.
“You’re going to get the job in New York.”
“That’s a big if, Birdie, but—”
“If not this one, there will be another,” I say, interrupting him. “And I’m not looking for anything right now, and I know you’re not either. Yes, we could spend the rest of your time here having a lot of fun, but that’s not who I am. I refuse to allow myself to like you. Or to listen to talks of a long-distance relationship because that would never happen.”
“Okay.” Liam says it slowly and lifts a leg to the other side of the bench so he’s straddling it, and he turns me to him. “You’re calling the shots here. If this is what you want.”
“It is,” I say. “I’m not good at intimacy.”
My face heats, picturing the day before. “Yesterday was fun. But there are too many factors working against us. Against me. With everything going on, I need simple.”
He presses his hands into the bench. “Do we still get to be friends?”
“Liam.” I look up at the sky, and then to the hills on the horizon. The sun is still so bright, even as it gets lower in the sky. “Do you really think spending time together is a good idea?”
“I wouldn’t have let anything happen between us if I meant I was going to lose you as a friend, too.”
“I’m not good in any relationships, if you haven’t noticed,” I say.
Liam takes his cap off and wipes his brow with the back of his hand. He hits it against the bench but doesn’t say anything. Silence envelopes us, and the only sound is the cicadas in the distance.
“Can I ask you something, Birdie?” Liam puts his cap back on, and I nod.
“Do you have any lifelong friends?”
“Kind of,” I say. “A couple women I went to school with. We keep in touch. And a friend I often ended up at the same location with as a traveling nurse. We check in here and there. Not constantly or anything.”
“Hmm.” Liam stands and rubs his hands against his arms.
“Birdie,” he says. “I realize I’ve only known you for a short amount of time. But you aren’t going to convince me that we don’t have a strong connection, and that you don’t feel it too.”
I press my lips together and nod.
The therapist I’ve been going to for the past few years’ voice comes into my head. She diagnosed me with avoidant attachment style that stems from abandonment issues. Only I do sometimes let people get close to me, and I’ve gotten a lot better at letting people in. I’ve tried so hard to overcome some of the hurdles, and compared to my early twenties, I have made so much progress. But I still have a wall that comes up when I feel like I could get hurt.
Liam holds his hand out for me and helps me to my feet. “Let’s get out of here before the ghosts come out.”
“You didn’t see that man behind the tree?” I point and laugh when I see Liam’s look of fear. “I’m kidding. It was a joke.”
“It wasn’t funny.” Liam puts his arm on my shoulder but then pulls back.
I walk him to his car, and he leans against it. “You never answered my question about friendship.”
“We can try.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “But I also don’t see the point.”
He looks down and kicks at the gravel. “Why?”
“Because neither one of us will keep it going after you leave. And that’s the truth.”
Liam leans back on the car and folds his hands over his chest.
“You seem really fixated on the fact that I’m leaving.” His gaze hangs on me. “Why are you so quick to dismiss our current connection?”
“Fine,” I say. “I’ll try to be friends with you.”
“That’s all I’m asking.” Liam stretches his hand up and squeezes his shoulder. “Goodnight, Birdie.”
“See you,” I say.
Liam glances over his shoulder, then hits the top of his car with his open hand, gets in his car, and drives away.
The binder is on the stair banister, and I grab it as I head upstairs to my room. I get comfortable under the covers, turn my light on, and open it. Each page is a different fundraiser idea, the purpose behind it, and the estimated amount of impact. Liam must have spent so much time on this. It details community outreach to donate furniture and paint for the nursing home. There are ideas of how to get sustainable donors instead of one time only. There are a couple of pages dedicated to hosting a gala, to highlight the stories of residents, as well as bringing the community together to get everyone bought into investment.
There are detailed projections on bringing in more residents so the nursing home operates more efficiently instead of being nearly half empty. Liam seems to really know his stuff, and all these ideas have the potential of having a huge impact on this place.
The lights flicker overhead. That’s my signal to get some sleep. The day’s been exhausting in so many ways, and I need to turn my brain off.