Chapter Thirty-Two
The shower is so hot it scalds my back, but I don’t move. I let the water rush over my body. I squeeze my eyes shut and replay my last conversation with Abigail in my head, then go through all my final actions—from calling the funeral home to logging the information for the state.
Sweet Abigail.
I lather myself in lotion and pull on shorts and a tank top. By the time all the steps were taken and the funeral home arrived, I had been up for more than twenty-four hours. My body needs rest. I go to shut the curtains so the morning light can’t trickle in when there’s a knock at the door.
“Yeah,” I say. “It’s open.”
My mom usually gives me space when a resident dies. She knows me better than anyone and recognized early on that I prefer grieving alone.
“Hey.”
Liam’s deep voice rings out, and I snap my neck in his direction. His face is freshly shaven, and his hair still damp.
“Liam?” I blink, convinced I’m hallucinating.
He closes the gap between us, and before I can resist, his strong arms are around my waist. I bury my face in his shirt, getting intoxicated by the scent of him. I don’t have the strength to pull away. I’m not sure I want to. So instead, I melt into the comfort of him.
“Sunny told me about Abigail.” He moves a hand to the back of my head and presses me into him. “I’m so sorry, Birdie.”
I pull away from Liam and shake my head. “It’s unfortunately part of the job. I knew what I was signing up for.”
Liam brushes back strands of my wet hair. “You don’t have to do that. Not with me.”
His hooded eyes, a piercing shade of deep blue, narrow as they lock onto mine. I find myself having to tilt my head back to fully take him in, my gaze tracing the sharp lines of his features. His nose, straight and flawlessly sculpted, could have been chiseled from marble. His lips, soft and pink, contrast with the firm set of his strong jawline. As he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobs subtly.
“Why are you here?” I say softly as I move to sit on the edge of the bed. My feet feel unsteady, and Liam steps closer.
“Your mom let me in,” he says. “She was on her way out when I got here. This is me being your friend.”
No one ever checks on me. Not like this. But I’ve never really had a lot of friends either, and the ones I do have are colleagues who experience the same losses that I do.
“What I need is sleep.”
I stretch my arms above my head and yawn. My eyes are heavy. If I can get a few hours, I’ll feel better and more removed from everything once I’m awake.
“Can I stay with you?” Liam nods toward the bed.
“I’m just going to—”
“Let me stay.” He stares at me.
I nod and pull down the covers. Liam closes the rest of the shades, and the bed dips when he gets in beside me. We face each other, but space remains between us. He rests his head on his hands. His eyes draw me in, and I can’t look away. We study each other. His expression reveals little, but for me, I’m wondering why he came back. He’s been a better friend to me than I have to him. Usually, when I so openly pull away from someone, they retreat.
“You’re brave, you know.” Liam takes my hand and folds his over mine. “To put yourself out there the way you do. To fully love the residents, even when you know your time with them is short.”
“Do you want to know the ugly truth about me?”
Liam presses his lips together. “I think I want to know everything about you.”
“Be careful what you wish for.” I pull my legs into my chest. “I’m not brave at all.”
Liam shakes his head and goes to say something, but I press a finger against his lips.
“It’s easy for me to be myself and open up to people when I know it’s temporary,” I say. “I pour myself into them. That part is true. But I go into it knowing there’s an expiration date.”
Liam moves closer to me. He grips my lower back and drags me into his embrace. My face fits perfectly into the crook of his neck, and I take a deep breath. I don’t know what aftershave Liam wears, but he smells like vanilla with hints of cinnamon. A little sweet and a little spicy.
“Abigail and I used to share our ugly truths with each other,” I continue. “And it felt safe. I knew Abigail would take my secrets to her grave.”
“There are no truths about you that I’d find ugly.”
Liam tangles his leg with mine. Our embrace is intimate in a way that makes me feel exposed. Wide open. And if he sees me, then he knows.
“I’m broken,” I say through a yawn. “You realize that, right?”
Liam grips me tighter. “We’re all broken in one way or another.”
“No,” I say, pushing my hand into his chest. “I’m actually broken. I have an avoidant attachment style.”
Liam continues to look at me, and something occurs to me.
“But you already knew that about me, didn’t you?” I close my eyes.
“Only because I pay attention, Birdie.”
“Most people think I’m just very self-sufficient. Independent. But the reality is, when something starts feeling too real, I put a wall up. And when someone calls me out on it, I’m very good at moving on without them. I think my dad messed me up more than I’d like to admit.”
Silence engulfs the room. Our chests rise and fall against each other.
“Sleep deprivation must be affecting my brain,” I say. “I can’t believe I told you that. I’ve never told anyone that ugly truth before.”
Liam tilts my head toward his and kisses my cheek. “We’re all a little broken. I’m a people pleaser, and as I’ve been reflecting this summer, I don’t think I’ve made one decision in a really long time that was for me. I take meds for anxiety. Turns out we all have things about us—”
“That needs fixing,” I say, interrupting him.
Liam smiles but shakes his head. “I was going to say that needs accepting.”
More silence between us, and my eyes grow heavy as his chest rises and falls against my face.
Liam brushes my hair with his fingers. “The way we’ve been living life, it doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle.”
“I don’t know if I’m capable of letting someone in,” I admit.
“Don’t underestimate yourself.” Liam smiles against my forehead. “You’ve cracked the door open for me. Revealed bits and pieces about yourself.”
I turn away from Liam, and he wraps an arm around me, cuddling into my back. He laughs into my neck.
“There’s something you should know about me, Birdie.” Liam takes my hair, moves it to the side, and presses his lips into my skin. “I’m scrappy. Persistent. And if you want to be my friend, and only my friend, I’ll be the best fucking friend you’ve ever had.”
“Liam.” I smile and reach my hand around, patting his face. “You’re probably the scrappiest person I’ve ever met.”
Liam holds my hand tightly, and I squeeze it, then let myself fall into much-needed sleep. It’s comforting feeling his presence behind me, which surprises me. My back presses into his chest, and he’s firm and steady. An anchor that isn’t going to let me drift out to sea.
I’m not sure how long I sleep, but when I turn over, Liam is propped against my headboard, a notebook in hand. He vigorously writes something, and I smile as I watch him.
I hate how handsome he is. I ponder why any part of him once wanted any part of me. Recently. I like being his friend. His soul is the best part of him, and I have a feeling he doesn’t give that up easily.
“Are you checking me out?”
His voice brings me out of my fog, and my body heats. I glance up at him, and he’s giving me a sideways smile.
“What are you doing?” I say.
“Invites went out for the gala,” he says. “And it’s coming up, so I’m working out the details.”
I sit up, and he shows me the notebook. We already have all the food being donated, have been steadily collecting silent auction items, and have sold 150 tickets.
“I’m not sure why you’re so stuck on getting back into finance.” I grab the notebook from Liam. “I’ve never seen you look more excited about something.”
“Yeah, well,” Liam says. “I’m just excited to wear a tux. And to see you in a gown.”
Liam jumps up and opens the curtains. Sun shines through the lace, and I glance at the clock on my nightstand. It’s already late afternoon. I slept for six hours.
“Have you been sitting with me the entire time I slept?” I look around. I was dead to the world.
“Well.” Liam drags his hand down his face. “I went downstairs and picked up a bit. You ladies are messy. And then ran to the store because you guys literally had no food in your fridge. And then yes, I watched you sleep for a while.”
I toss a pillow at Liam, and he laughs.
“The day is still youngish. I say we go to the lake and lie out on the dock. What do you say?”
Liam stares back at me, and I want to say no. I should get things done. But he looks so hopeful.
“Fine.” I hop out of bed. “Let’s go.”
Liam claps his hands together. He may be the closest friend I’ve ever had. Which is sad, scary, and a bit exciting.