Aisha Kapoor
Mom’s words hit a part of me that I wasn’t ready to acknowledge. When she said, “Bring the old Aisha back, even if for tonight,” I wanted to hug her and cry all together. Because I know even when I try to make it unnoticeable, I am still not the same woman as I was before.
And I know that nobody remains the same, that people change and grow in their twenties, but I don’t think they change at the core of what they were. I did.
I went from being the happy-go-lucky person to being someone who doesn’t believe in luck.
I actually became who Reyansh was before we met. And I have seen that person, and that person was so hurt, so disappointed, and so not interested in enjoying their life.
Reyansh stands in front of me, like a lost puppy, when I say that I am mad at him. I didn’t expect myself to go with the flow as soon as I decided to bring back parts of my old self.
My twenty-one-year-old self loved to tell him that I was mad at him, even when I wasn’t, because I loved the effect these simple words had on him.
“Why?” he asks, and I cross my arms, and he shamelessly checks me out, forgetting that I just said that I am mad at him.
“Since you don’t know yourself, I am not interested in telling you either,” I say, moving to walk away from him towards the golgappa stall that I saw the moment I came here. I love golgappe so much. There’s nothing in the world as tasty and unbeatable as them.
“Baby, don’t do that,” he says, almost on the verge of giving up, and it makes me laugh, but I don’t break character.
I am not mad at him; I am just annoyed that despite saying he won’t repeat his past actions, he continues to do so.
One day he leaves my heart hopeful and prepares me for better things and better situations, and the next he does things the same way as in his past, and I go back to being that anxious, overthinking wife who knows there’s no coming back from this heartbreak.
“I just—” he starts when Aarav pulls me to his side.
“Let’s go to that golgappa stall you have been ogling since we came here,” he says, and Reyansh glares at him. “Reyansh, are you coming?”
“Of course,” he tells her, before his eyes settle back on me. “I go wherever my wife goes.”
The words lit up an entire swarm of butterflies in my stomach. I walk ahead with Aarav when I feel something tug my dupatta. I peek over my shoulder to look where it’s stuck, and I see Reyansh wrapping the end of the dupatta in his right hand.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
There goes my Bollywood-obsessed heart.
“It was sweeping the floor,” he says with a knowing smile. “I will keep it secure somewhere nice.”
He winks at me, and I am too flustered to say anything.
I am slowly getting used to his flirty remarks again, the way his eyes turn all warm on me, and the way his smile makes my heart race again. I am getting used to all of that again, and god, I don’t want to fight the feelings it gives me anymore.
I no longer feel the need to run away from him.
But I need more of…reassurance? I don’t know.
I think God needs to come and tell me some way that it is safe for me to fall again.
Fall in love with him again.
The guy at the stall hands each of us a plate before serving. I feel Reyansh’s eyes on me, and because I don’t have a single flirting bone in my body, I say.
“Are you going to eat or just stare?”
He tilts his head, and I pop one golgappa in my mouth. The immense burst of flavors makes me want to break out in a happy dance, but I don’t, of course.
“I am going to do both,” he says, and I roll my eyes.
Goddamn his ways.
We eat in silence, the DJ music playing in the background. I take a peek at Reyansh, who chooses to eat in silence, when I notice something on his right palm.
I furrow my brows, dumping my plate in the nearby dustbin and wiping my hands with a tissue before taking his hand in mine.
He gets slightly flustered when he sees me pulling him towards me.
My eyes widen, my cheeks turn hot, and I feel my heart tearing up inside.
What is this?
“You got my name written on your hand?” I ask the obvious.
My name is written in perfect calligraphy, making it look as if it is a special word.
“Of course,” he says, tilting my head upwards with his fingers on my chin. “This was the important work I went away for. I am sorry, but I just wanted to surprise you.”
The sincerity in his voice and the pure emotion make tears gather in the corner of my eyes, but I bat my eyelashes to send them away.
“This is…beautiful. Thank you, Reyansh. This is very special for me; you have no idea.”
He cups my cheek. “It is special for me too, Aisha. You are special for me.”
* * *
I can’t help but keep looking at his hands again and again. This is something I never thought someone would do to me. It might even seem very small to other people, but for me, it is a big deal. In fact, to me only the minuscule things have mattered.
The thought behind the effort is the only thing that has ever mattered to me.
“Come dance, Aisha.” Raj pulls me and Aarav to the dance floor, and I see the hurt and anger on his face.
I am not unaware of his possessiveness. I have seen it firsthand, and contrary to his belief, I quite like it.
“That’s my wife,” I hear his voice as he comes behind me, a possessive hand on my waist, and goosebumps rise on my skin.
Raj drops my hand, and Aarav snickers beside me. I pass him a look because no matter how much I like this possessiveness, I do not like the awkward tension that is surrounding us at the moment.
“Sorry, man.” He raises his hands up in surrender before moving slightly away from us.
The music continues playing around us, and I pull away from him.
“That wasn’t really necessary,” I say, and he bends down to my level, even though I am sure he heard me because I am not short.
“What?”
“I said that wasn’t necessary.”
He pulls me closer to him by the waist, moving us to the beat of the music, and my heart starts beating so fast that I am sure he can hear it well even with the blasting music around us.
“I think it was,” he says, his breath hot against my ear. “I belong to you. You are mine, and I think that is something everyone around us needs to know.”
I pull back a little so that I can see his face now.
“Are you sure you don’t have a weak memory?” I ask.
“Why?”
“Are you forgetting we are getting divorced at the end of these three months, out of which one has already passed?”
He chuckles, swiftly twirling me around, and I gasp. What the hell? Why does he have to be so damn…strong?
“And are you forgetting that I said I would leave no stone unturned to keep you with me?”
I am about to argue even though I can see myself falling for him again.
I don’t think I ever fell out of love. I don’t think I could ever fall out of love with him.
I just got better at hiding it.
“Look, Aisha,” he says, all serious now, and even with the music deafening me, I can hear his words loud and clear. “I know I fucked up. Actually, “fucked up” is the smallest word I could use for what I did and how I have been, but I am no smart man, and you know it.”
He licks his lips, and I swear I see his eyes glistening.
“What I am trying to say is that I love you. I know what we have is special. I know I wouldn’t want to live a life that doesn’t have you.
I can’t even imagine one where you are not by my side.
All I know is that this world that we live in is a cruel place, and in this not-so-nice and happy place, we had managed to build something that was peaceful.
I am sorry I ruined it, but I don’t want to let it go anymore. ”
“Is it easy for you to move on from the past?” I ask.
“It is not,” he says, pressing his lips against my forehead, and I close my eyes. “But it is not worth losing the only person I care about in my life.”
“I love you, Aisha,” he adds, and I bite my tongue. I so want to say the words back.
Every inch of my body wants to yell these three words on top of my lungs, but am I able to? No
Even when I feel like I should, I can’t because a small part of me is still hesitant, still scared.
“I—”
Before I can finish my sentence, the crowd pushes me into him, my foot twists in my heel, and I nearly stumble into him.
“Fuck,” I say loudly, and the crowd behind us shifts.
Reyansh secures his arms around me, and I hold onto him like my life depends on it.
“Are you blind?” he yells to the people behind me. “There’s a way to enjoy yourself, and this is not it.”
I try to get up, but I think I twisted my foot too much because a sharp pain shoots through it, and I nearly cry.
“Ouch, fuck, it hurts,” I say, and he focuses back on me.
“Baby, show me,” he says and bends down, trying to take a look at it.
“No, no, I can’t stand anymore.”
He takes a look at me, and without missing a beat, he picks me up in his arms, and I secure my arms around his neck.
“Reyansh,” Raj says from behind, and he stops without turning. “Take her to the restroom. You will find a first aid kit there.”
“Thanks,” Reyansh says in return before carrying me to the restroom.
“I am fine,” I tell him softly. He looks on the edge of bursting out, and I don’t like the sight of it.
“It is probably just a sprain, and it doesn’t hurt that much,” I add, a straight-up lie.
He gives me a look, pushing past the door of the restroom and kicking it shut.
“Don’t lie to me.”