Chapter 38
~Daley~
My whole body tenses as I brace myself for River to follow through and make the request, trying to ignore the pang of disappointment and loss that accompanies the idea of ending things with Deacon.
Honestly, it feels even worse than I thought it would, which probably means I haven’t let myself fully accept how much Deacon already means to me.
But to my surprise, River doesn’t look satisfied or even pleased with my response. He certainly doesn’t make any demands.
Instead, he leans forward, his eyes still fixed on me. “So, you’re not serious about him?”
I blink a couple of times, trying to follow his train of thought. “I didn’t say that.”
“You kind of did. Why else would you end things just because I asked you to?”
“Because you… because I…”
I stutter through my attempt at a response before taking a deep breath and trying again.
“I care about him, but I care about you more. No one will ever take your place. It’s no contest.”
Completely unbidden, moisture pools in the corners of my eyes and River’s face falls at the sight.
He reaches forward to take my hand, the same way I always do whenever I’m comforting him.
The gesture is a little awkward since we’re usually in the reverse position, but it obviously comes from his heart.
“I know that, Mom. I’ve never doubted it. ”
A few rapid blinks drive the tears back but do nothing to help my confusion. “If you’re not worried about that, why don’t you want me dating him?”
“Well, I’m worried about a few things, but if you’re set on it, it’s not really any of my business.”
A breath leaves my lungs, deflating tension I didn’t know was there, but I’m still struggling to understand. “You’ve lost me. I thought you were going to ask me to break things off.”
River’s sheepish smile makes him look much younger all of a sudden.
One second, he’s an adult and the next, he’s my little boy again.
“It’s all this mindfulness stuff we’ve been learning this weekend.
They’ve been talking about motivation and prioritizing what’s important to you.
Overcoming obstacles. I wanted to know how much you really want this relationship because if I really liked someone, I wouldn’t stop seeing them just because you said so. ”
“You were testing me?” I’m not sure whether to laugh or smack his arm, so I settle on squeezing his hand instead. “You’re not usually such a brat.”
He’s still smiling as he shrugs, taking the admonition in stride. “I guess I could have phrased it better. I just mean: does he make you happy? Happy enough to deal with whatever shit’s going to come your way because of it?”
I almost tell him to mind his language but what’s the point? He probably hears a million times worse in the locker room and he’s not wrong: there will be shit coming my way. I just don’t know what form it’ll take yet.
This might be the most open conversation we’ve ever had about my personal life, and since we’re being honest with each other, I stick to the truth: “He’s the first man in nineteen years that’s made me feel like he’s worth disrupting my routine for.
Worth taking a chance on. If I could wave a magic wand and make him not famous, I’d do it, but I don’t get to make that choice.
He is who he is, and everything that comes with that.
Like I said at the start, I don’t know for sure where this is going, but it’s serious enough that I want to give it a chance even if the whole world is against it.
The only one I’d give him up for is you. ”
River gives my hand one more squeeze before letting go and settling back into his seat.
Voices can be heard in the distance, getting louder as they approach down the same corridor River came through, and a few seconds later, the rest of the young men on the course appear, full of energy and heading towards the cafe.
One of them waves over to River. “We’re going to grab lunch before heading back to the city. You coming?”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” he calls back. “Save me a seat.”
The guy gives him a thumbs-up before disappearing into the restaurant. There’s still a buzz of conversation, but I can’t make out any individual words. If Deacon’s still in there, he just got discovered, which means my chances of getting a private goodbye with him are probably slim-to-none.
My son’s gaze slides back to me. “I’m not going to say it’s not weird, because it is, but that’s my problem.
You put your life on hold for me for a long time, probably more than I even know.
I’ll get used to it. At least if you’re into younger guys, you didn’t end up with Jonny or Brayden. That’d be way worse.”
This time, I do reach over to smack his arm, making him laugh. “I’m not ‘into’ younger guys. You make me sound like a predator.”
His laugh fades and concern colours his gaze again. “People might call you worse.”
“They might.” There’s no point denying it. “I’m more worried about what they might say about you.”
His gaze drifts towards the restaurant again, his spine straightening. “The guys on the team are going to have a field day, but I can take it. If I don’t let it bug me, they’ll lose interest.”
I used to tell him that back when he got teased or bullied for being the youngest on his team growing up, and seeing him make that lesson his own makes me so proud, I nearly tear up again.
“I don’t want to keep you from your friends now, I just wanted to make sure you heard this from me first. Why don’t you go have lunch and you can call me later tonight if you want to talk about it more?”
He nods in agreement before glancing out the front window towards the parking lot. “How did you get here? Did Deacon drive you? Do you need to go back to Sioux Falls?”
“I drove him, actually. I’m going to head home from here and he said he’ll catch a ride back with someone else.”
River nods once more. “Well, I appreciate you coming out here even if you scared the hell out of me.”
We stand and I hug him tight, relieved beyond words that he’s taking the news as well as he is. I should have given him more credit; he’s more like my grandparents than my parents, which makes sense since they’re the ones who helped raise him.
“Can you do me one favour?” he asks when we separate.
“Of course. What is it?”
“Don’t tell Deke what we talked about. Not yet. Wait until you get home.”
“Okay?” My agreement comes out as a question since I’m not sure what’s behind his request.
He doesn’t give me any clue either, simply escorting me out to my car and saying one more goodbye before heading back inside.
Before I set off, I send Deacon a simple text.
Mission accomplished. I’ll text you when I’m home.
As I pull out onto the highway, I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but feeling like both of the men in my life have my back makes the journey ahead seem a whole lot easier.