45. Fia
Fia
I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding eye contact with Jesse.
The last thing I need while moving out of this guesthouse is for him to witness an emotional breakdown.
So I just keep going with my head down, slipping into manager mode: giving instructions so I can get out of here as quickly as possible.
“The bedroom is clear!” I shout out the open door, like I’m on some secret ops military mission. But that’s kind of what it feels like; my heart is beating that fast at least.
“These are the last two bags.” I point to the trash bags of clothes near the front door.
“Sounds good.” Jesse picks them up.
“I’ll meet you back at the house. I just need to check all the cabinets and leave the key.” I smile reassuringly at Jesse—still without meeting his eyes.
He nods, leaving me in the kitchen.
A stillness falls over me, much like the first day I came here. Sucking my bottom lip in between my teeth, I stop the tears. Truthfully, I’m not sure there are any left, my heartbreak is more like a wound that’s fragilely wrapped.
With my hands on my hips, I stand in the middle of the kitchen and swivel to look around at the space. Sun streams through the windows, hitting the linen sofa. I put all the decor back, line up the pillows neatly. Everything is visually back to normal.
The moment I step out of this guesthouse, I have to pull myself together. There’s a house waiting for me that I’ve fought to keep. I’m the only one who can get everything set up so my daughter doesn’t feel a disruption to her schedule.
Tomorrow I’ll walk to Luanne’s with Daisy, and then work, and it will be as if nothing ever changed. Like the last month of my life was a dream, a beautiful yet cruel dream where for a minute I thought I could have something different.
Who was I fooling?
I open the cabinets, two at a time, making sure I left nothing behind. But when I get to the one beside the refrigerator, I freeze.
“Oh.” I stand there staring at the unopened box of strawberry Pop-Tarts longer than I should. Certainly longer than normal.
Finally, I reach out and grab them, walk to the trash can and open the top, ready to drop them in, but I pause as the box lingers above the open bag.
I can’t bring myself to throw them out.
Instead I slam the box next to the silver key on the counter and without looking back, I walk out the door.
Braving a gaze at his house, I see that everything is the same. The lights are still off, there’s no movement inside.
But then again, it’s a big house, he could simply be hiding from me.
Too big for one person.
Once I pull to the end of the driveway, I peer in the rearview mirror and send him a text. I ignore everything else he’s said and get straight to the point.
I keep it professional.
Fia: I left the key on the kitchen counter. Thank you for allowing me to stay there. I’ll be back at work tomorrow as scheduled.
I hit send and toss my phone into the seat next to me, biting back any feelings bubbling to the surface.
Yes, lines were crossed and nothing feels okay right now, but I’ll get better at repairing broken things.
“What is she doing here?” I whisper, barely audible above the music in my car. Penny’s leaning on a porch pillar as she sits on the newly repaired front steps in a soft blue sundress.
She stands up as I approach.
“Hey,” she starts. There’s no edge to her tone.
“Hi.”
The front door swings open and Jesse appears, dressed all in black, barely breaking a sweat. He quickly wraps an arm around my sister’s shoulders, kissing her temple, and flashes me a knowing look.
“You two need to talk.”
I shake my head, keys jangling in my hand. “I need to unpack first.”
Jesse plucks my car keys from my fingers. “Just go talk, I got this.”
He can carry four times what I can in one load, and with the way Penny is looking at me, I know I don’t have a choice.
“Alright then,” I reply, gesturing for my sister to follow me inside.
My sandals catch on the doormat when I step into the foyer. “Holy cow . . .”
It’s not just clean, it’s sparkling. “You can see the floors,” I choke out, looking around for a stash of junk pushed into the corner, but there isn’t one.
“It’s spotless in here,” Penny echoes, and we continue into the kitchen, which tells the same story—the green tiled counters shine, and the living room is tidy. Even the light seems to beam brighter through the windows.
“He must’ve had cleaners come through . . .” My sentence tapers off. I don’t want to think about him right now.
Penny watches me closely, and I offer what I hope looks like a smile.
“Want to sit out back?” I ask as Jesse walks into the kitchen, dropping a cooler onto the counter.
Penny leads us out to the concrete pad with two sun-faded plastic chairs.
As I drop into one, insects buzz around. The old oak tree in the yard offers shade, but the chair beneath me squeaks, and I stifle a sound that’s somewhere between a laugh and groan . . . because this is a far cry from the poolside lounge chairs I’ve grown used to.
My foot bounces nervously against the cracked concrete, and Penny stretches back, shutting her eyes momentarily, the sun glowing against her face.
The two of us haven’t fought since she found out I was pregnant, and though that was nearly two years ago, the anxiety fluttering in my chest is familiar. There’s no worse feeling for me than being at odds with my sister, but things haven’t been right between us for a while.
I’m afraid the house was just the cherry on top that exposed all we were burying.
“The house looks great,” Penny starts, but I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not.
My fingers curl around the arm rests. “Yeah, it does,” I finally say with a sigh.
It does look great, which only makes the concoction of emotions swirling about Caden inside my stomach that much more complicated.
Penny crosses her legs, sighing dramatically.
“I just don’t get it—we tell each other everything. We’ve seen each other at our best and our worst. Why didn’t you come to me when this shit started happening?”
There it is.
I pull my knees into my chest, scooting the tiny chair to face my sister. “Penny, come on. We both know how you would’ve reacted.”
Uncomfortable silence stretches between us as Penny taps her nails on the back of her phone.
“Okay, fine.” She breaks the silence with a flustered breath. “I know I can be slightly controlling about things . . .”
I stare at her, blinking rapidly.
“Come again? Are you saying perhaps you understand why I didn’t want to tell you?”
Penny twirls the stack of gold bracelets on her wrist.
“Maybe,” she says through a clenched jaw.
Then she glances up sheepishly. “I made Nan a promise to watch out for you, and I just want to keep you and Daisy safe, but I know I’m a lot.”
Tears well in my eyes and my throat tightens as I lean forward.
“What if I don’t need that, though? What if I just need my sister?”
Penny lifts her fingers, and I look at the big blue house behind us.
Slowly the words I want to say untangle in my mind.
“I know you think that I live a messy life, that I’m floating untethered, but I need to figure things out on my own.
I want that chance.” I pause, locking gazes with my sister.
“I am so grateful for you, for Jesse, for Danny. I know you all have my back, but you guys have to let me breathe.”
Penny’s amber eyes are heavy with unshed tears. She leans her head back, face tipped towards the blue sky, to stave them off. She hates crying—but she is a Hanson woman after all, and unfortunately we wear our emotions on our sleeves.
“Dammit . . . you’re right.” She shakes her head slowly. “All this time, I thought this house was holding you back, but maybe I had it wrong. Maybe you’re just fine.” She sniffles. “I’m sorry I’ve pushed you so much lately.”
I chew my lip, struggling to find the right words.
“Clearly,” she says with a sigh, “this is supposed to be your home, if you went through all the trouble to fix it. I’m just sorry I made you feel like you had to hide it. That’s my fault.”
I put both my feet down, needing to feel the ground beneath me.
“This house is important to me . . . but I realized something these last few weeks.” I inhale, tracing the cracks in the patio with my eyes.
“I was holding on to something, something I don’t know if I can name yet.
I thought this house was what would make me happy, make me feel successful and fulfilled, make me feel like a good mom .
. . but now I’m not so sure I was right. ”
I shrug, knotting up my graphic tee in my fingers, continuing, “I missed you all so much. It killed me to keep this all from everyone. But there were also a lot of happy moments in the last few weeks.” I choke on the last words, and Penny extends her arm.
I grab her hand without looking at it and she squeezes.
“I missed you too.” She fans her face, composing herself.
“I promise you I’m done, forever, with asking you to sell the house.
You’re so much stronger than I was at your age .
. . I’ll never stop looking out for you and Daisy, but I’m going to back off.
I trust you. I know you’ll do what’s right for you. But promise me, no more secrets.”
We both stand and I pull her into a hug. My oversized shirt kisses the top of my thighs as she squeezes me tightly.
“Thank you, Pen,” I whisper. “And I promise, no more secrets.”
The back door opens, and Jesse pops his head out, a small grin forming on his lips when he sees us embracing. “Everything’s unloaded. I’m going to head back to work.”
Penny releases me and I smile at Jesse. “Thank you so much. I owe you.”
He leaves us out there and I stand awkwardly, wiping my eyes with my sleeve as my sister stares at me, a mischievous look in her eye.
“What?” I ask, laughing. Feeling a bit lighter.
Penny shrugs one shoulder. “Nothing. Just wondering when you’re going to tell me about Caden Brooks?” Penny raises her brows. “Remember, no more secrets.”
“Yeah, I know . . .” I pull my braid around my shoulder, my chest twinging.
“I wasn’t born yesterday,” she says, her eyes still hopeful. “Clearly there is something happening between you two. How long have you been together?”
I shiver, averting my gaze from hers. “There was something, you’re right. But now I’m not sure what we are, if we are anything at all. I’m not exactly talking to him at the moment.”
The words taste like acid on my tongue.
Penny’s smirk drops. “Oh honey, what happened?”
“I know I said no more secrets,” I reply, my voice a raspy whisper. “But I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I just need to get through today. I need to pick up Daisy and settle back in. I will tell you everything when I’m ready, when I figure it out . . . I promise.”
“Okay.” Penny nods, her hand resting gently on my upper arm. “But just remember, I am not above slashing a man’s tires.”
I laugh, despite the pain.
“See, I told you I just needed my sister back.”
“You have another hour before you need to pick up Daisy, right?” Penny asks, leaning against the chair in the living room. I know she’s asking because she wants to stay and help til then.
My first instinct is to tell her to go, that I’ve got this handled, because part of me wants to be alone. But another part of me considers that some company and help could be nice.
“Yeah, maybe you can stay til then, help me get her room back in order?”
Penny smiles, and we head upstairs. I stop to let Hamburger out of my bedroom, now that the moving chaos is over.
“We’re home, buddy.” I scratch his ear before following Penny into the nursery.
“If you want to unpack her clothes into the closet, that would be amazing.” I shove a black bag towards my sister. She begins to sift through Daisy’s clothes.
I start to change the crib sheets, making a mental list of what else needs to get done today. Hamburger slinks into the room and stretches out in the middle of the rug, finding an afternoon sunbeam. At least he is happy to be home.
Then a noise startles him, and I glance at Penny, confused. That’s when cool air begins flowing through the vents.
Penny opens her mouth wide. “Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve ever felt cool air in this house.”
I turn back to the crib, the sheet balled in my hand, and glare at the vent on the floor.
A lump takes up residency in my throat, and with Penny’s back turned to me, I slide my phone from my pocket and open up my messages.
Caden read my text an hour ago, but there’s no response.
We both got what we wanted—he got a manager who has a safe house and can function in her duty to his business. I got my house repaired.
Maybe I should just let go of everything else that happened in between.
“Yeah, that was a nice bonus to get the AC fixed,” I blurt out in delayed response.
Penny closes the closet door and crosses her arms, tilting her head expectantly.
I force a chuckle, rubbing my forehead. “Sorry, I was just thinking about—”
“About Caden?”
I frown, busying myself with the sheets. “No. I mean, yes . . . I was just thinking that it was nice of him to fix a few extra things.”
A heaviness presses on my chest as the words escape my lips, because two things can be true at once.
It was nice of him and he hurt me.