51. Claire
fifty-one
“I have something exciting to share,”I say. I’m sitting on Nathan’s desk, my dangling legs swinging between his spread ones. He lifts a brow, then tilts his head for me to continue. “I applied for a summer social work internship, and I got in.”
I haven’t even told Penelope, Lucy, and Juliet this news. The second I got the email, I wanted Nathan to be the first to know. When his smile illuminates, I know I made the right choice. He snags my ankle, using it to tug his chair closer to me.
“That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.”
I grin, scrunching my nose. This sense of pride has always been my own—my mom was only proud of me when she got something out of it. Nathan’s pride is in my accomplishments, the ones that make me better from the inside out.
“I still have a few classes to take for the degree requirements, but I could be in a school by this upcoming school year if there are still positions available.”
“Are you happy?” he asks. His thumb smooths along my ankle, sending a shiver up my spine.
That question has so many layers, and for the first time in my life, my heart feels full when I can confidently say, “Yes.”
I bite my bottom lip and giggle at the absolute bliss of all of this. Me and Nathan. Nathan and me. The honeymoon phase of whatever it is we’re doing. I don’t want it to end.
The mood snaps in an instant. Nathan sits up taller, and we meet in the middle, mouths colliding in frantic recklessness.
“People are going to start coming in,” I pant, legs spreading on my boss’s desk. His big hands are on the insides of my bare thighs, my skirt rucked up around my waist, his lips making mine swollen.
“Probably.”
He kisses my throat, thumbs skirting dangerously close to where I’m wet, and I have to yank on his neck to pull him back.
His brows pinch, and he looks like a confused puppy dog—which is so out of character that I have to giggle. Giggling while my boss is playing with the hem of my underwear, as I’m spread out on his desk? What have I gotten myself into?
As if on cue, the moment that my thong saws in just the right rhythm to maybe get me there without Nathan’s fingers being on me, there is a sharp knock on his office door. My legs snap closed, trapping his hand that he quickly pulls away. We scramble in a matter of seconds, silently giving each other a once over. I straighten his tie. He smooths my hair back into place.
“Hey, Nate! You in there?”
He blanches. Mouths, “Joe Petersen.” Swallows heavily.
“Coming, Joe. Just wrapping up a meeting.”
The lie comes so easily, and I hate it. We shouldn’t have been kissing in his office in the first place. I don’t want to get him in trouble. My brows pinch together as shame and guilt rack me, but as Nathan heads to open the door, he lifts my chin with his index finger and lays me with a look that, while part guilty too, tells me that we’ll be okay.
I have my bag on my shoulder and edge out of the office as Nathan says, “Thank you for bringing your concerns to me, Ms. Benson. I’ll be sure to address them with Rocco Thatcher sometime this week,” as I head out with my head down.
By the time I make it to my classroom home for the week in eighth grade, guilt is tightening in notches like a belt around my stomach. It worsens when I bump into Penelope in the hallway.
“Hey. When did you get here?” I ask, stopping outside her classroom door.
“Oh, I left before you were even up. I’m getting dinner with my brother later and I still have too many tests to grade.”
It’s terrible that my first thought is to text Nathan, right? Even after we were almost caught.
“That’ll be nice. When was the last time you saw Connor?”
She tilts her head from side to side, thinking. “Christmas? We did a brunch with my mom, and then he spent the rest of his break with his dad’s side.”
“It’ll be nice to catch up.”
“Yeah. Whatever will you do with an empty house?” she smiles.
Not be there.
“I was actually thinking about heading to the library tonight.”
“Still trying to find classes for this summer?”
“Yeah.” But not at the library…
“How’s it coming along? Lucy has been helping you, right?”
I nod. Regardless of my degree, I have some classes to take, and a licensure exam to pass. It looks like I’ll be neck deep in books again soon. The thought is thrilling, but also daunting, as I think about all of the upcoming expenses and the time I’ll need to dedicate to my future.
“I might start looking for a job soon,” I admit, way too close to the first bell to be having a heart to heart. “I’ll need something over the summer anyway.”
Penelope squeezes my shoulder and lands me with a genuine mama smile.
“You can stay with me, rent free, for as long as you want to, Claire. Don’t break your back trying to make money so you can have this future for yourself.”
I hadn’t realized I’d been holding that fear in. The bell rings before I can offer her the proper gratitude.
I head to the class I’m working in, my text thread to Nathan already pulled up, thumbs clacking away, when a new text notification runs across the top of my screen.
Zoey
Library tonight?
I see it right as my message to Nathan—P is out of the house tonight. Finish what we started in your office, and then I’ll make you dinner?—sends. And my heart positively plummets.
I haven’t seen my sister since Christmas. Haven’t had a real conversation since then. But Nathan has already texted me back, Absolutely, and I’m torn down the middle.
I haven’t seen him without interruptions since break ended. And when your soul calls out to another, how can you ignore it?
On my way out the door, I notice that Joe Petersen is gone, but after what happened this morning, I don’t want to chance it. I wait until I’m in my car to call him from the parking lot.
“I think I have to cancel our plans tonight,” I say when he answers. “My little sister Zoey texted to hang out tonight, and I haven’t seen her since Christmas. I already made plans with you?—”
“I know how important your siblings are,” he interrupts. “We can have a rain check.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Thank you for being up front. I don’t want you to think you have to choose between me and your siblings.”
“It’s not just that,” I admit, staring at the building from the parking lot, where I know his office window sits. “I hate that we haven’t seen each other alone in like, two weeks. The thought of sneaking around is a thrill, but in reality…”
“Yeah. But.”
That but hangs heavily in the air. All of those unspoken feelings from the past several weeks, the ones neither of us have put names to yet, are all wrapped up in three simple letters. I want to talk about it, but not here. I want to get this elephant of the unknown off my chest, but if I can’t put the words together, what am I even supposed to say to him? I don’t like sneaking around? I don’t like keeping you a secret? I liked being your date to the gala, and I wish that could be our rule and not our exception?
I fear that a secret is all we’ll ever be allowed to have.
My chin trembles as my lips part. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but words seem determined to escape, when Nathan interrupts.
“Zoey is the sister who plays chess?”
“Yes.” I’m not sure if I’m grateful or disappointed that we’ve lost the opportunity.
“I could come to the library tonight. Or you could stop by my place on your way.” I nod thoughtfully at his suggestion, at the way he still wants to see me, even with my sister in tow. “I hate how things ended this morning. And I just miss you too, I think.”
Oh. My heart pinches. He says it with such earnestness that I can’t help the stutter of my breath.
“How did things go with Joe?” I ask.
Nathan sighs in comedic exasperation. “Joe is Joe. I will retire before he does.”
“So we’re okay?” I ask, my hidden meaning somehow straight out in the open.
“Yes. We are definitely okay.”
I text my sister that I’ll pick her up after school, and try to quell the shaking in my bones at what it means to have Nathan in tow.