Chapter 20 #2
“Well, we’re not getting any younger. And that was the other thing I was thinking.
I sell the business, and we’ll have time to be parents.
Now, we’ll have to be careful with our money, of course, but depending on how much I get for it, we could probably do whatever you wanted to. I don’t think cost would be a factor.”
“I heard that adoption can be an expensive option.”
“It can be. That’s what I’m saying. We’ll have the funds.”
“Unless of course we foster kids and then adopt them.”
“You wouldn’t want a baby?” he asked carefully. That had seemed to be her dream.
“I guess I do, but…I want children more. You know? Like we saw the kids running around in Skyler and Homer’s yard. It was just so much fun. It felt like an old-fashioned family where everyone is just together, and…I really want that.”
He had to admit he’d felt the pull too when they had been there. “I can understand that. It just feels old-fashioned and…safe in some way.”
“Yeah. When a mom and dad create a haven for their children to grow up in. I mean, I know it’s not going to be all roses and bluebells, but I do think it would be nice.”
“I understand what you’re saying. That’s kind of why we’re here, other than to bring glory to God, to fill the earth and subdue it. That is our command.”
“Yeah.” She spoke softly and a little bit dreamy. He wished he could give her a healthy baby. He really did .
“I think part of the reason that I had such a hard time being sympathetic about the miscarriages was because I really wanted to be able to give you a healthy baby, and I felt like it was some kind of failure on my part that we couldn’t do it.
It was something I couldn’t control. And I don’t like dealing with things that I can’t fix on my own, you know? ”
“I do know. It’s like the security system. You want to get in there and do something. Not stand around and talk about it.”
“Right. I mean, I love talking about ideas, but when there’s a problem, I don’t want to just talk—especially a problem like that, where I know that I don’t have the ability to stop the miscarriage or to stop your tears or your pain.”
“Thanks for saying that. It does make it better. It helps me to be a little bit more understanding of why you weren’t around, because I really had a hard time wondering why you weren’t more upset and why you weren’t more concerned about me.”
“Yeah I just did the easy thing. I made sure you were okay, and then I went to work. The harder thing was to stay and do what wasn’t comfortable, which was to hold you, even while I felt helpless and frustrated.”
“It helps that I know that that’s how you felt. I don’t like the idea that you don’t feel good about it.”
“I don’t think anyone feels good about that. You were in pain and crying, I was frustrated and helpless. We just dealt with it in different ways, I guess. Or it brought out different feelings in us.”
“I see what you’re saying.”
They had been walking for a while, and she suggested that they turn around.
He agreed, and they walked slowly back down the beach.
“I’m not sure where this new direction that we’re going is going to take us. I’m not talking about us doing the same old thing.”
“No. I knew. You’re talking about leaving the company, selling it, moving here, doing the bakery, possibly children, and who knows what all else.”
“Exactly. It’s exciting but a little bit scary at the same time.”
“Yeah. I get mostly excited feelings, but every once in a while, I have this anxiety that comes over me and I wish I had my mom. It’s almost like a wave of grief, but it’s combined with fear. I feel like I’m alone.”
“You’re not alone. You’re with me.”
“I know. And your sister and her husband are part of our family, though they’re pretty far away.”
“I think we have a good network of friends here in Raspberry Ridge. There are a few other people I keep hearing about but I haven’t met yet, and with the bakery, I bet we’ll be seeing everyone.”
“I bet you’re right. I guess Mom would smile if she could see this.”
“I think that’s probably what you need to keep in your mind.
The fact that your mom would be happy if she could see what was going on.
I mean, it’s sad that she’s not really here, but her memory is.
” He quit talking, trying to find the words that would comfort her.
He shook his head. “I’m sorry I’m not very good at this. ”
“Not very good at what?” she asked, tilting her head as she looked at him, their joined hands swinging between them.
“Finding the right words to comfort you.”
“I just appreciate you trying. And I appreciate even more you being here beside me. I feel kind of bad that I threw such a big fit.”
“You don’t need to say that again. I think you pulled us back from a very bad spot and got us going in a direction that I’m excited about.
Moving to Raspberry Ridge, looking into starting a family, buying a house, doing your mom’s bakery, and all the new neighbors that we’re meeting.
It’s pretty awesome. I’m glad you did what you did. ”
“Thanks. That’s very reassuring.” She sighed. “I know you’re right. But…you weren’t a bad husband. What I did was a little over the top.”
“I thought I just said we weren’t going to say that anymore.
” He laughed, tugging at her hand and pulling her closer to him.
He pulled his hand out of hers and put his arm around her, holding her close.
“I love you. I’m glad you did it. I don’t know how much more time I would have wasted wrapped up in my own bubble on the treadmill of trying to make more money and become bigger and better and chasing all those things that don’t really matter. ”
She stopped, and they turned and faced each other.
“This could have been very different. If you hadn’t been so humble and willing to look at yourself and believe that there was a problem. I mean, we could have been separated or even divorced.”
“No. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”
“I know. I’m just saying, it’s because of you that that didn’t happen. And I am deeply, deeply grateful.”
He could see the sincerity in her eyes, and he hoped that she saw the same in his.
She must have seen something she liked, because she took a step closer and wrapped her arms around him. It had been a while since he’d felt that, and it felt perfect and right, the way a yard full of children and parents sitting on the front porch on a summer afternoon felt perfect and right.
“I love you,” she said to him, and the words settled deep in his soul.
“I love you too,” he said, and she lifted her face, and he did the most natural thing which was to lower his head and touch his lips to hers, the feeling familiar yet brand-new at the same time. And absolutely perfect, like it always had been.
He had to admit, kissing his wife on the beach was very romantic.
He wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but an exceptionally strong gust of wind made them lose their balance, and they broke apart, laughing.
“I guess that means we’re supposed to keep moving,” he said, reaching for his wife, putting his arm back around her.
“I guess so.”
He pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking because he thought he’d got a notification, and he saw that what he had ordered had been delivered.
“I have a surprise for you back at the bakery.”
“You do?” she asked, furrowing her brows like she couldn’t possibly imagine what it was.
“Yeah. I’m kind of excited about it. I shouldn’t spoil the surprise, and I’m not going to tell you what it is. Just that it’s there, and I think you’re going to like it.”
“All right,” she said, laughing, as they went back to where they’d left his shoes and her flip-flops, and they put them on before they started up the trail, him feeling like everything was right in the world.